I Want to Save my Marriage- She Wants Separation

[jaymz]

Basically she wants me to be the "babysitter" while she goes out and does whatever. Of course, I AM the FATHER. So I am going to take care of the kids. However, she does not need to go to this thing. So I am contemplating sticking her with the kids so she can't go.

 

This is all games. Listen to steen, you just don't need it. You need to start looking after yourself and the kids. If she wants to go out then she will do it regardless and it just isn't worth wasting your energy on.

 

When i still lived with my stbxw we had organised a basic rota where on some nights she would go out and the other nights i would go out. I stuck to the agreement but she would manipulate an "argument" and storm out of the house some evenings when i get back from work - I later found out that on those evenings she was out at some event with scumbag. So even though I tried to be adult about things she wasn't prepared to be. So my lasting impression of her will be someone who is callous, manipulative, cowardly, devious, selfish, vain, childish, pathetic etc - Not nice qualities and not something I would want to be associated with.

 

After my stbxw moved out she would demand I have the kids on certain days otherwise "I wouldn't like scumbag looking after them", the most recent being a hospital appointment she has to go to and before that a funeral. In both cases I couldn't get the time off work because of the issues she caused with my work (false arrests etc) and her stupidness so it all kinda back fired on her, and as for her threats, it just confirms what I think of her. It also shows that scumbag has a problem looking after my kids despite her telling me that "he will make a much better dad than me", "the kids prefer him to me" and my favourite "he has willingly taken on full responsibility for me & the kids".

 

Yes it is hard. I dreamt of getting revenge in any way possible, big or small. But I know that it is pointless, you end up looking much much worse. I am an adult, I have been the adult in our relationship and I will continue to be an adult afterwards. Be smart, play the long game, win the war. For me, that is keeping my kids and my dignity.

[Steen719]

Basically she wants me to be the "babysitter" while she goes out and does whatever. Of course, I AM the FATHER. So I am going to take care of the kids. However, she does not need to go to this thing. So I am contemplating sticking her with the kids so she can't go.

 

I guess you are just not "there" yet, that place in your mind that knows this is not helping anything, but is just prolonging the inevitable. Once again, I think the best thing to do is to move along and start healing. Whatever she is up to is not beneficial to your marriage and is actually harming it. She is not satisfied in her marriage to you, Marty, or she would not be trying to hook up, even emotionally, with another man. Honestly, as a woman, I can tell you that I would not consider this alright while I am married, no matter what the circumstances. Even now, with my M in the downhill spiral to divorce, I would not engage in this type of behavior until it is over (well, and for me...much longer as I am really not very trusting right now..{sigh}).

 

Please read the posts from other people who have been in this situation and benefit from their similar stories. Move forward to feel better. If you continue to stay in this toxic situation, it will not be good for you or your children.

 

I wish you the best.

[martyjones47]

I guess you are just not "there" yet, that place in your mind that knows this is not helping anything, but is just prolonging the inevitable. Once again, I think the best thing to do is to move along and start healing. Whatever she is up to is not beneficial to your marriage and is actually harming it. She is not satisfied in her marriage to you, Marty, or she would not be trying to hook up, even emotionally, with another man. Honestly, as a woman, I can tell you that I would not consider this alright while I am married, no matter what the circumstances. Even now, with my M in the downhill spiral to divorce, I would not engage in this type of behavior until it is over (well, and for me...much longer as I am really not very trusting right now..{sigh}).

 

Please read the posts from other people who have been in this situation and benefit from their similar stories. Move forward to feel better. If you continue to stay in this toxic situation, it will not be good for you or your children.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Well, by "sticking her with the children", I will just be leaving. She can be a mother. I will just leave because I am too torn up now to even function. If she is forced to be a mother, she will be. She will have to suck it up and deal with it and put off her affairs for now. I can't stick around and do the in-house separation again. If I do, I will be staying up until 4-5am and throwing up. I WILL BE OK. My children will be fine.

[Steen719]

You can still be a good father and spend time with your children. Right now, if you concentrate on your kids and you, you will have some good feelings, anyway.

 

She is going to do what she is going to do, so if you have the kids when she is out, at least you will have them and that will help.

 

Best of luck.

[Steen719]

Marty,

Sorry for the short post above. STBXH was continually asking for sex while I was trying to post. This, while I am trying to discuss financial matters and selling the house!!:lmao:

 

Anyway,

I was trying to tell you that while my STBXH was having an affair 14 years ago, I spent more time with my son as it was he and I while my H was running around with OW. I hurt, to be sure, but I got a lot of comfort being with my son. I can't explain it, but it did my soul good to be with me and helped me through the mess.

I really am sorry for your pain, but I do feel that she is vacating the post of wife to you.

[Craig2425]

Well, by "sticking her with the children", I will just be leaving. She can be a mother. I will just leave because I am too torn up now to even function. If she is forced to be a mother, she will be. She will have to suck it up and deal with it and put off her affairs for now. I can't stick around and do the in-house separation again. If I do, I will be staying up until 4-5am and throwing up. I WILL BE OK. My children will be fine.

 

She will probably just get a babysitter. Take this as you get more time with your kid(s). When I was going thru this the first time I would freak out about this but now I don't care if she wants to go out. I know that if she wants to go out she will no matter what and I'd rather have my daughter.

 

These people are so blinded by the fog that they don't realize what they're doing. They don't realize that they're hurting us or our children.all they care about is the new relationship because everything seems perfect.

I'd say in a couple months when the newness starts to wear of of the relationship and their true selves come out things won't be so good.

These people don't work on themselves, they just move on with the same problems.

 

A lot of people don't get their kids that much so consider yourself lucky that you are getting extra time with them.

 

I get mine exactly 50% of the time and it's not enough for me. A good example is last sat the stbx went out and had a babysitter call me for my daughter. I was pissed because I would have loved to have her instead of a babysitter.

I know right now it seems that you're just helping her go out(I use to think the same thing) but it's her loss. Nothing you do will change her mind or plans.

[Steen719]

These people don't work on themselves, they just move on with the same problems.

 

PERFECT!!!!

[martyjones47]

Thanks for replies.

 

I came home. She's going out. I'm looking forward to dinner with kids and catching some sleep.

 

If it matters, she has expressed willingness to work on marriage still. Not sure how that plays in the context of everything else.

[Craig2425]

Breadcrumbs. Keep you along just incase. Unless she comes to you and says I'm sorry for all that I've done recently and I take blame for the problems I've caused in the marriage. Followed by I'd like to get help to work thru this and her actually being sorry and showing it to you.

 

If shes not saying or doing any of these things then she's just saying whatever to keep you around just incase.

 

I'm glad you calmed down a little and are spending some time with your kid(s). This will help you and them. Your wife is the one missing out by being selfish.

[martyjones47]

I understand the bread crumbs thing. She did ask for marital counseling, which she refused to do back when I wanted to. I'm not saying it means anything really. I've been through it all before. Feel bad that I thought things were better.

Some of it is just an ego thing on my part, but honestly I do want things to work out. There was a point when she flat out refused any type of help/counseling.

Edited August 30, 2011 by martyjones47

[Craig2425]

Like I said. Unless she says all those things and shows that she is truely sorry it means nothing.

I just went thru this myself. Got my w to go to counseling she said that it was good,she wanted to try, things were going great!(her words to me, my/her family, our counselor) and then out of nowhere she needs space, ignores me, can't do this anymore and wants to divorce again.

I found out she had been speaking go her bf from our split again. This is the third time she has done this to me.

Once in march she said we would try. Went to yosemite, Disneyland with our daughter and when we got back she couldn't do it. First person she runs to is om.

Again in April, samething.runs right back to om.

Then she came back again weeks after up until two weeks ago.

Things were going good. But then I realized it was only me trying. I brought it up to her and our counselor and then were back to this again.

 

She doesn't want to take fault for anything her words. Unless they say they are sorry and they want to work on themselves it won't work.

[martyjones47]

I guess I'm just kinda venting/updating at this point because I need to "talk" about it. I haven't really followed any advice or made any moves. I'm really working on just being good with the kids and if I need to strategize or anything I can do that methodically.

 

I setup marriage counseling. As I said, she was still going out that night and I knew the deal. So I guess I just accepted that and "let" her go. I spent time with kids, played, ate, homework, and so on. I wanted to be asleep when she got home, but I wasn't. She got in fairly early compared to what I expected, but she was obviously wasted. She did meet him there. I know the details of their post-event conversations but I dont want to go into detail. This guy wasn't looking for whatever she was, obviously.

 

She accused me of contacting him while they were out or doing something to tamper with their non-relationship. I did not, though honestly I wanted to. I guess I didn't have to. She's pretty delusional in general.

 

I asked if the marriage counseling was sincere or if it was just a way to hold me off so I wouldn't blow up her plans. She claims it was sincere. I tend to believe her on that point.. though I accept she is/was probably seeing me as a backup plan pretty much ( basically the idea of, sure lets try out the counseling and whatever and if other stuff doesn't work out it might be good).

 

The last couple of days have been the daily mundane stuff, which is going better than usual. Spending time with the kids together, that stuff. She has initiated some affection, no intimacy ( and I wouldn't want to anyway).

 

Maybe I shouldn't care. I should have just told her to get lost. i'm pretty well versed as far as advice and ideas on this go. I've tried everything at one point or another and it's hard to avoid "mistakes."

 

For now this is the approach I'm taking, just one day at a time thing.

 

I'm not saying I can read minds or if it even matters, but I am pretty good at picking up on feelings and reading her. I could sense something was up when this current thing started to develop, even though she did a good job keeping it under wraps. I just needed to snoop to verify. Anyway, what I'm getting at is I'm pretty sure I know how she's feeling now. She's not really too concerned about me/marriage. She's upset nothing's going to happen with this other guy, to the point her actions are going to make sure of that. My read on the guy is that he knows she's crazy and he's not feeling that. So she's in a state of "mourning" the thing that never was. There's nothing I can really do about that. Meanwhile it seems like she's feeling me out. I think she's trying to determine if I'm going let this go. She's simultaneously hating me and blaming for keeping her from running off and being happy in this non-existent relationship- because in her mind maybe it would be something good if only I weren't in her way. I think when we reconciled in the first place, it was really an act of her feeling like she was giving up and going back but resenting me for her escape plans not going as she had hoped, and for whatever reason i accepted her back. Of course under those conditions, things didn't work out.

 

I could see that happening again, but I can't let it.

[robf1971]

I guess I'm just kinda venting/updating at this point because I need to "talk" about it. I haven't really followed any advice or made any moves. I'm really working on just being good with the kids and if I need to strategize or anything I can do that methodically.

 

I setup marriage counseling. As I said, she was still going out that night and I knew the deal. So I guess I just accepted that and "let" her go. I spent time with kids, played, ate, homework, and so on. I wanted to be asleep when she got home, but I wasn't. She got in fairly early compared to what I expected, but she was obviously wasted. She did meet him there. I know the details of their post-event conversations but I dont want to go into detail. This guy wasn't looking for whatever she was, obviously.

 

She accused me of contacting him while they were out or doing something to tamper with their non-relationship. I did not, though honestly I wanted to. I guess I didn't have to. She's pretty delusional in general.

 

I asked if the marriage counseling was sincere or if it was just a way to hold me off so I wouldn't blow up her plans. She claims it was sincere. I tend to believe her on that point.. though I accept she is/was probably seeing me as a backup plan pretty much ( basically the idea of, sure lets try out the counseling and whatever and if other stuff doesn't work out it might be good).

 

The last couple of days have been the daily mundane stuff, which is going better than usual. Spending time with the kids together, that stuff. She has initiated some affection, no intimacy ( and I wouldn't want to anyway).

 

Maybe I shouldn't care. I should have just told her to get lost. i'm pretty well versed as far as advice and ideas on this go. I've tried everything at one point or another and it's hard to avoid "mistakes."

 

For now this is the approach I'm taking, just one day at a time thing.

 

I'm not saying I can read minds or if it even matters, but I am pretty good at picking up on feelings and reading her. I could sense something was up when this current thing started to develop, even though she did a good job keeping it under wraps. I just needed to snoop to verify. Anyway, what I'm getting at is I'm pretty sure I know how she's feeling now. She's not really too concerned about me/marriage. She's upset nothing's going to happen with this other guy, to the point her actions are going to make sure of that. My read on the guy is that he knows she's crazy and he's not feeling that. So she's in a state of "mourning" the thing that never was. There's nothing I can really do about that. Meanwhile it seems like she's feeling me out. I think she's trying to determine if I'm going let this go. She's simultaneously hating me and blaming for keeping her from running off and being happy in this non-existent relationship- because in her mind maybe it would be something good if only I weren't in her way. I think when we reconciled in the first place, it was really an act of her feeling like she was giving up and going back but resenting me for her escape plans not going as she had hoped, and for whatever reason i accepted her back. Of course under those conditions, things didn't work out.

 

I could see that happening again, but I can't let it.

 

Please see that you are allowing yourself to be used like a doormat,

 

Crumbs man, lets say you were trying to go and have sex with other women, and your wife kept taking you back and cooked dinners for you etc. How much respect would you have for her?

[martyjones47]

Please see that you are allowing yourself to be used like a doormat,

 

Crumbs man, lets say you were trying to go and have sex with other women, and your wife kept taking you back and cooked dinners for you etc. How much respect would you have for her?

 

I know what you are saying, though I'm not really doing anything for her at this point. I'm just taking care of the kids. she's cooking me dinners.

 

Our relationship definitely follows the typical patterns in a lot of ways. Of course every situation has some uniqueness.

[martyjones47]

No point in wasting hard earned money on "counseling" when she's out cheating on you and getting wasted like she's single.

 

Stop allowing yourself to be a cuckold. Cooking and doing all this other crap while she's out swinging with other men is counterproductive for you. Cut her off because all she wants is to come home late to you for convenience after screwing around with other men.

 

This woman is a cancer and it pains me to see an honest, loyal male in your position literally bowing down to someone who doesn't respect you nor herself.

 

I appreciate your advice. She isn't screwing anyone, and all I'm really doing is taking care of my children- which I would have to do whether we stay together or not.

 

I could be out screwing around very easily if I wanted, and I have shown that ( not screwing around, but that I did not have a lack of suitors) in the past. I'm not into that game of one-upsmanship tit-for-tat, though. Sometimes it's enough to know what I could do and just make a choice that I will have to live with. For right now that's just being here, taking care of the kids and trying to get my health in order.

 

She is an alcoholic with mental issues, and i would like for her to get help. I'm not saying *I* will be sticking around and doing that for her, though. We both brought our own baggage, and I do care for her as a human being. And what she does, I DO consider it cheating, even though there is no sex involved. So maybe the screwing part is irrelevant.

[martyjones47]

If she's as unstable as you state, then you really don't know what she's doing when she's gone. Cheaters know how to deceive and compartmentalize.

 

Generally, you have a point. I'll just say I have all the information I need, being a suspicious control freak and all, to have a clear picture of what has and hasn't happened. it would take quite an elaborate effort, something she doesn't have the time or mind for, for it all to be a cover-up.

[martyjones47]

Are you going to go for full custody?

 

I plan on having full custody, yes.

[martyjones47]

Getting ready to go to a cookout with her family, at her brother's house. I'm going but she isn't.

 

"Good" stuff has been going on, depending on how you look at it. Which of course means it could be bad on my part.

 

We are getting ready to have a forced mini-separation in a few days. I have to go out of town on business. Some part of me wants to be single when I go.

[2sunny]

Getting ready to go to a cookout with her family, at her brother's house. I'm going but she isn't.

 

"Good" stuff has been going on, depending on how you look at it. Which of course means it could be bad on my part.

 

We are getting ready to have a forced mini-separation in a few days. I have to go out of town on business. Some part of me wants to be single when I go.

 

so you go on business and leave "drunk Mom" with the kids? get a better plan, man!!!

 

when that type of drinker - she has NO CONSCIENCE!!! she WILL drive your kids drunk, she will leave them alone - in order to go DO what she doesn't want YOU to know she's doing!

 

stop DOING NOTHING! do something! take action dude!

[martyjones47]

so you go on business and leave "drunk Mom" with the kids? get a better plan, man!!!

 

when that type of drinker - she has NO CONSCIENCE!!! she WILL drive your kids drunk, she will leave them alone - in order to go DO what she doesn't want YOU to know she's doing!

 

stop DOING NOTHING! do something! take action dude!

 

Thanks?

 

She does not drink around the kids. Period. She doesn't leave kids alone. I know everything that has happened/happens.

 

Geez. I *think* you are trying to be helpful. So I'll just take it that way, but I probably won't post anymore. People here seem hellbent on a specific path/resolution and demonizing others to an extent that is not helpful.

[itllgetbetter]

martyjones47: Please don't stop posting - personally, I found your thread to be very helpful and informative. You can always review the opinions/advice offered and if you disagree with what's been said, that's your choice. And there will be other times when you find you've received good advice.

 

It's nice that her family invited you to the cookout. How was it?

 

Hope the business trip goes well.

[martyjones47]

martyjones47: Please don't stop posting - personally, I found your thread to be very helpful and informative. You can always review the opinions/advice offered and if you disagree with what's been said, that's your choice. And there will be other times when you find you've received good advice.

 

It's nice that her family invited you to the cookout. How was it?

 

Hope the business trip goes well.

 

Thanks. I understand that people are passionate about these issues, often based on their own experience. But no one really knows what's going on in every situation. I have information and know certain things. I would never put my children in danger. Even if my wife is being crazy in her affair fantasy stuff, there are some things that remain mostly unaffected.

 

I am glad I went to see her family. I can't say I have always felt comfortable around them, for many reasons. However, i know they respect me as a father at least, and that is my main concern right now.

 

Getting ready to leave. My kids will be fine. Pretty sure my wife is going to miss me, also. Some stuff I will just have to deal with later.

[2sunny]

Thanks?

 

She does not drink around the kids. Period. She doesn't leave kids alone. I know everything that has happened/happens.

 

Geez. I *think* you are trying to be helpful. So I'll just take it that way, but I probably won't post anymore. People here seem hellbent on a specific path/resolution and demonizing others to an extent that is not helpful.

 

not that YOU know of - at least yet...

 

i have much experience on a daily basis with former BIG drinkers - and the stuff they do/did - that the spouse never suspects - would blow your mind.

 

she may not allow you to see what she's really doing - but when you are gone - it may be different...

 

i'm just cautioning you... because i see that reality EVERY DAY!