My ex girlfriend is having trouble with her boyfriend and is now calling me crying

[bluestraps]

My ex girlfriend is having trouble with her boyfriend and is now calling me crying on the phone

 

I was'nt going to post anymore on my situation but I decided to do so to give some people hope or have critizism thrown my way for even being involved. Either way its all good. Some of you may even be familar with my story.

 

My ex and I broke up about 7 months ago, after about 10 years of being together. My friend which was also my girfriends friend cheated on me and are now going together. They had a lot in common as friends ,but as far as relationship material they dont have a chance , because they a re different in attitude and personality and the way they act.

 

My ex girlfriend has depression which sometimes will make it hard to deal with a situation where a lot of stress is involved . She does take medication which helps her. She tells me that I understand her and her problems better and can help her handle things. Which I know and is especialy hard because she cheated and dumped me when she knows i can help her. And would do anything for her.

 

I have been sort of friendly with my ex in the last 2 months, we talked a few times. Just the other day she called me out of the blue, she was hysterical crying and very upset. She stays with her new boyfriend for a few weeks at a time and then goes home to do laundry and clean up and other stuff, and them goes back The problems are piling up for her.

 

First the boyfriend lives with his mom, and my ex does not get along with her at all. They dont talk to eachother. although my ex tries . The mother does not like my ex . I dont think most women want some other woman in their territory. They are clashing. This guys mother is really a bitch

 

The boyfriends mother makes the girl nervous < she tells my ex that she runs home to her mommys house which is very mean , sometimes she must go home because of her medical problems.

 

Also my ex girlfriend is seeing faults with the new guy . He has compared her with his ex wife, and not always understood her needs. Also she is not too impressed with the way that they live The house is a mess with dust all over everything . The guy is a slob I guess Also the place is kind of run down

 

He is not really good with his money and my ex can see that he is irresponsible with it. This is a big reason for split ups either in mariages or live in relationships.

 

My ex has a digestive condition that makes it hard to use the bathroom , and she needs to be able to relax to use it . The toilet is all staind up in the bowl . The bathtub is in bad shape , stains in it and realy she prefers to take showers. She cant get herself to take a bath in it so she stands up and washes the best she can.

 

If she cant use the bathroom it is very painfull and it makes her nervous This condition also put her in the hospital some years ago.

 

The position is that the new boyfriend and the mother must live together because they could not live apart on their own financialy.

 

So heres what happened . The mother of the guy finaly had it . She started yelling at my ex . The mother threw something at her, acused her of being a problem, told her her son could do beter. The boyfriend was out doing something at a store close by My ex had to run out of the apartment she went to find him and couldnt. I dont know how long this went on.

 

So she calls me and is basicaly cyring on the phone saying, his mom was arguing with me and threw something at me and I ran out of the house and we broke up. Also the boyfriend was geting violent and yelling too.

 

My ex called her mother to come get her. They took all her stuff execept for a few things they forgot. and she went back home . My ex wanted me to come get her . We had a long talk about her situation .

 

She was really talking bad about the boyfriend and the mother and how she has been living . She is really confused about what to do ,Ive never heard her having so much trouble ever in the last 10 years ive known her.

 

She thought she was going to have a better deal leaving me for my friend , she dumps me and now her situation is really bad. She says she doesnt know if she can live how he does. I dont see it either. SHe is still home but she is talking with the boyfriend .

 

Of course she is not in the mode of dumping him just yet. It may take some more thinking or maybe another situation , and maybe even going back to his place on her part to finaly come to the relization that she cant deal with things as they are.

 

The big problem is that she is now worried about her health . And also she is concerned about his ability to finiancialy suport her. At what point is she going to see that this situation will not only worry her , but may efect her health and her future. Im not sure what to do.

 

She knew this guy and sort of the way he lives before she did this, but only now until she is in a relationship with him she knows the enormity of the problems she is facing by being with him .

 

I do want us to work things out because we had a good relationship and we both realize that we are missing parts of our relationship. I know her family should be the one to help her.

 

She has gotten me involved and I do care . She even stated that i am still involved in this a little bit. Do I stay out of it or should I just tell her that she is on her own. even though I still know that i cant just stay out of it and that I care . That is until she tells me to.

[2yearsNC]

Friend, you are a moron and a fool.

Your ex is using you. You are actuallying helping her build a relationship with the new friend whom she cheated on you with and betrayed you with.

 

You are providing her emotionality support when she has problems with the NEW man and "their situation", not yours. After you fix her up, she then goes and suck his cock and lick his balls, not yours. You are a fool.

 

What you are doing is actually enabling her to leave you even more.

On top of that, she has the nerve to say that you are involved? You can't see that she is using you for her own purposes.

 

What about you?

What about the fact that your ex cheated on you after 10 years and left you?

And for her to live with the boyfriend who lives with the MOM and she deals with it for so long means that she is in love with him and addicted to him and they have sex constantly and your just that nice guy who is there for her.

 

You are a fool

 

On top of that, she needs to realize what it is like WITHOUT you completely. You need to DISAPPEAR completely. You need to NOT talk to her COMPLETELY.

 

And to answer your question about when she will realize... NEVER.

You think she doesn't already realize? She knows, it doesn't bother her.

 

you are Love sick

Move on loser

stay out of it

Edited April 4, 2010 by 2yearsNC

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry bluestraps, but you should NOT be invovled in her situation. You are just fooling yourself if you are!

 

This girl left you for another guy and now she's feeling the rats in her new relationship and she's running to you?! Is this girl out of her mind? I feel so embarrassed for her.

 

If I was in your position and wanted to help I'd simply tell her that I was sorry that she was going through this, but I can't help you.

 

Because if you think about it...she's finally seeing that the grass isn't greener on the other side! You have NO responsibility to help her....NONE. She is USING you for emotional support! I'm sorry but this is all just embarrassing (mostly on her part!)

 

Move on.....

 

Yes, YOU CANNOT HELP HER out!

 

you have co-dependency if this kind of development is affecting you this much after 7 months. most people would be well on their way to building a life without someone this callous. I am not saying that I am stronger then you my friend, but it is beyond hopeless unless SHE screws her head on straight, but it doesn't sound like she will. YOU CANNOT help her through this, she made her bed, she needs to lie in it awhile.

[bluestraps]

Friend, you are a moron and a fool.

Your ex is using you. You are actuallying helping her build a relationship with the new friend whom she cheated on you with and betrayed you with.

 

You are providing her emotionality support when she has problems with the NEW man and "their situation", not yours. After you fix her up, she then goes and suck his cock and lick his balls, not yours. You are a fool.

 

What you are doing is actually enabling her to leave you even more.

On top of that, she has the nerve to say that you are involved? You can't see that she is using you for her own purposes.

 

What about you?

What about the fact that your ex cheated on you after 10 years and left you?

And for her to live with the boyfriend who lives with the MOM and she deals with it for so long means that she is in love with him and addicted to him and they have sex constantly and your just that nice guy who is there for her.

 

You are a fool

 

On top of that, she needs to realize what it is like WITHOUT you completely. You need to DISAPPEAR completely. You need to NOT talk to her COMPLETELY.

 

And to answer your question about when she will realize... NEVER.

You think she doesn't already realize? She knows, it doesn't bother her.

 

you are Love sick

Move on loser

stay out of it

 

 

Calling me a moron and a loser is not going to help anything, maybe a fool is warranted and certainly you dont know me from a hole in a wall . So maybe moderate your responses This wont be the first post you'll see like this. Of course this is America( free speech) so no big deal .

 

Better luck next time

 

 

I dont think she is using me for one reason. When someone like her who I know really well , 10 years !! calls me like she did , its not to use me. Its because she knows I can calm her down.

 

If I had to go through the history of 10 years your head would spin. This is a complicated situation.

 

But the other posts are ok and insitghtfull

[TaraMaiden]

Ask yourself what your motivation is:

 

Are you helping her to make her feel good about herself, or are you helping her to make you feel good about yourself?

 

If it's even a scrap of the latter, then the agenda here is a dangerous one, because of your previous history with her.

 

See, it really doesn't matter that you've known her 10 years.

This is not necessarily and advantage, because there is a sense of obligation there.

What you should go on is the simple premise of circumstances as they are now.

She has problems and she has generated problems and problems have arisen within her new relationship.

You can fix nothing, here.

You can't kiss her knee and rub it better, you can't be her knight in shining armour, because no matter what the situation, your obligation to this woman ended the moment she cheated on you.

Now - you may be exercising compassion, kindness and whatever:

But be careful that it is Wise Compassion, not Idiot Compassion.

The difference, in a nutshell, is that the former cultivates mutual dependency. The latter cultivates self-support.

The latter is character building and healthy.

The former will lead to more misery, and complications.

No good deed goes unpunished.

 

And the very fact that you're questioning the situation on here, confirms for me that you're not quite sure what your role is, or what the end game is.

 

Well, consider a moment:

As things stand,

 

What is your pay-off?

What do you stand to gain from this?

Where do you ultimately benefit?

[bluestraps]

Yea I cant solve the problems she has now. Although I could if she would wise up and listen to me . And she has, She knows that I And actualy she is finaly leaving the stage of this relationship where everything is beautiful and exciting. Its real life now. She never had it this hard.

 

Disregarding the cheating, she is going to ruin her life with the new boyfriend, my ex friend. I dont want to see it happen, I cant just pretent I dont care Thats the heart of the problem. I see the circumstances she is now in and I still feel she should get out of there

 

Im a extremlely loyal person, this is a double edged sword. Im not anything except for a man, not a savior or a knight in shining armour.

 

Not really looking for validation from anyone of my view on this . But with total realization that I need to worry about myself only.

 

And that she is none of my business now

Edited April 6, 2010 by bluestraps

[123BeachFan]

Okay, a quick note here on your ex's situation...

 

Her current BF lives with his mom for financial reasons. Like it or not, it's how the BF and the mom are surviving. The ex and the mom clash quite strongly. Yet the ex stays at that house for a couple of weeks at a time? Really? What gave her that right to move in with the BF's mom?

 

And it doesn't sound like we're talking about young adults here, since you were with her for 10 years and you mention the BF's failed marriages.

 

Wow, talk about violating boundaries (the ex getting into the BF mom's space).

 

But bigger issue here is that the ex is using you. She's found herself knee deep in drama and on the losing end to boot. And she doesn't have enough people cheering her on (in what sounds like a bad situation she created). So she's turning to you to boost her ego as a minimum and maybe even a situation or financial bailout.

 

How can you tell she's using you? She's asking for you to give to her, without her giving to you in return. She's hurt you in the past, and yet she's expecting you to be the knight in shining armor after all that's said and done.

 

This girl is nothing but trouble. You deserve so much more than her. Run fast, the other direction! Please!

 

Oh, and if your ex is there for weeks at a time, going home to her mom's house to do laundry, she's in effect a roommate. If she thinks the house is a mess, she can clean it up! I bet she's not paying rent, is she? And why is she even concerned at this point about him being able to financially support her? She needs to financially support herself first (and ditto on him), two grownups standing on their own two feet.

Edited April 6, 2010 by 123BeachFan

[bluestraps]

They share the apartment because youre right , they could not afford it alone. They dont have the typical mother- son relationship. Its more like room mates or realy friends. Its been like this for 38 years. I dont care about the miserable life they have created, they are used to it. Now unfortunatly my ex is in it . Theres no way I can be sucked into helping them and i wouldnt help him at all , except she is involving me in it when Im not ignorant enough to fall for that.

 

I reality if the landlord wanted to he could raise the rent. Without too much info on her my ex cant help them financialy. Our relationship ended for some other dumb reasons where we both failed. Cheating was only the vehicle she used to break us up.

[bluestraps]

Ok now Im getting very bad vibes about this situation. I was minding my own business,. She wants me to friend her on facebook. This was two days ago. AS I said in my earlier posts she had a breakdown the prior sunday before last. And I felt the need to help her .She requested me to friend her two days ago. I have ignored her . But Im minding my own business today and she calls me wanting to know why I havent called her, she wants to know whats going on. ANd she wants to know why I didnt friend her yet.

 

She basicaly told me that she realized a few things that she now is second guessing about the guy. Of course I will be told to get out of her way. She said she still loves me. ANd she cant see me out of her life . She actualy said she doesnt know what shes goten into.

 

Shes finding out that we didnt have it so bad after all, but she needs to cover her butt . She also told me he does not communicate with her. He had gotten angry and punched a wall after the huge fight between the Guys mother and my ex. She has told me that she told him that it will cause huge problems if he doesnt try harder in their relationship I am starting to get very concerned for her state of mind

 

I am finding it now almost imposible to keep quiet about this whole thing.

 

What a screwed up world this is

[TaraMaiden]

It's only as screwed up as far as you turn the screwdriver.

Why are you letting yourself be sucked into someone else's drama?

There is no way you can fix this, and anything you do to salvage one aspect, will undoubtedly hopelessly unravel another.

 

"No good deed goes unpunished"

 

Stick your nose where it doesn't belong and you will get so burnt.

 

You really do - for your own sake - need to just put the damn thing down and move away.

 

It's an explosion waiting to happen. Why on earth you should be so willing to let it go off in your face, is beyond me.

 

All you need to do, is to say, "look, you walked away, you made this mess, this is NOT my problem. Why are you so intent on pulling me into your own drama? Deal with it, but I'm sorry - this is not my ball game."

 

And go the good old, reliable, safe, sure-bet NO CONTACT!!!

[Trimmer]

Also, consider how credible and valid her "new" thoughts about your old relationship are, considering that they come only under the great stress of a really screwed-up, current relationship. None of these thoughts apparently occurred to her with any strength during times of calm, when she might have been able to reflect on things thoughtfully. They are coming now only under duress, when she is desperate, and needs an escape, needs rescue.

 

In that context, how much credibility do they have? I'm not claiming that it's all meaningless or anything... But which way sounds more solid: she reflects calmly on your relationship and comes to some thoughful conclusions, or she finds herself in deep yogurt, in a world of hurt and desperation, and suddenly your relationship doesn't look so bad any more?

[aerogurl87]

I'm sorry OP but she's using you. Exes always come crying back when they realize the grass isn't so green on the other side as they thought. My ex did the same thing after the woman he left me for left him 2 weeks later. And at the time I dumbly thought like you that we had a chance. He'd made a mistake and saw the errors of his ways. Wrong! What happened was he got lonely so he came crawling back until he could find the next girl to screw over.

 

So in the words of the Dream, I'd tell her this: And now you're crying telling me that you didn't mean to do me wrong, you've died in my heart so go ahead and live in his arms.