Author Gradschooler Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 He called today to break up with me. Its over. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gradschooler Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 I don't know. Lost. Numb. Hurt. Forsaken. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 All reasonable and within context. I am so sorry for your loss. You, know it may not be completely over? LDR's can be a b*itch and sometimes the dynamics of that cause us to act in ways we may regret. Give yourself some time. Give him some time. Surround yourself with the people in your life who love and support you. There are plenty of people on here who would want to offer you some support and reflection when you feel ready for that. Take good care of yourself and be kind to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gradschooler Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 I keep thinking it might not be completely over. But I very seriously doubt if he'll come back. Its an ego issue now - if he dumped me, how can he want to get back? This is a side of him I've known since I knew him, just that I didn't know it could be so real some day. Today when he called, the break up call ie, he kept saying "I'm doing it for the good of us". Since when did one of us start deciding for the both of us? He realised he doesn't have time for me and that I am not a priority for him, and I pay the price? I don't know... Its just unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gradschooler Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 Thank you for your posts, Spirit. It helps that there's someone who's listening. None of my friends were told of the relationship - so I can't turn to them for support. Only my mom and my mentor. Both of whom are nice people but I can't vent like this to them. It hurts them more to see me hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 You are entitled to feel angry and that things are unfair - it is unfair if you still want to be in a relationship with him, but he can't or chooses not too, but it would also be unfair of him to allow you to feel that he does not make you a priority. In the long run you know that would cause you more damage than having to get over this relationship as it stands now. I feel like I am holding back from being wise and logical, because I know that in the initial stages of a break-up it can hurt like hell, and I think it's important for you to go through that process. However, life is about balance so give yourself time to take this all in...you can keep posting if it helps and I will endeavour to hear you. Hug. Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Oh no! That was the last thing I expected to read in this thread! *BIG HUG!* I'm so sorry GS! Take Spirit's advice though and make sure to treat yourself well. And don't be afraid to cry as much as you need to. *extra hugs!!* Link to post Share on other sites
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 I'm very sorry to hear what happened! I'm pretty much in the same situation myself, with my SO going on a PhD program for another 3 years. No idea how we're gonna survive that. But maybe breaking up right now is better in the long run. He probably knows it will be very hard to maintain a relationship and he knows he won't be able to make you happy as he won't have so much time for you. I believe that he really believed it was for "the good of us". He knows he's going to unintentionally hurt you if this relationship goes on. His logic could be something like breaking up now will hurt you, but you'll get over it, which is better than dragging it on for years where you feel constantly neglected and unfulfilled. In a way, he was thinking about you, and IMO what he did was far more responsible than to just string you along without any real hope for a good relationship down the road. The best thing to do now is to move on and be happy again and see where the future takes you. I wish you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gradschooler Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 We were having a bad phase, yes. But who doesn't? What part of "better or worse" was so tough to understand? I'm too hurt to analyse it right now. Just trying to take some time off and making my peace with things. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 We were having a bad phase, yes. But who doesn't? What part of "better or worse" was so tough to understand? I'm too hurt to analyse it right now. Just trying to take some time off and making my peace with things. You are right and very wise to realise this about where you are right now. You have a myriad of feelings and emotions to process, and before you can analyse anything you just need to take stock and take very, very, very good care of yourself. Be to yourself how you would be to your best friend if they were where you are now. Just be really kind to yourself and take good care of your needs. I am sending you a big tight virtual hug through cyber-space, because I want too, and because I think you need and deserve it! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 Hi Gradschooler, I'm really sorry I don't have time to say more, but I just wanna send you lots of {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}! Know that we're all behind you and supporting you. The others have given you lots of great advice - and I hope that whatever comes next, whether you get back together or not, you find happiness real soon. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 2, 2010 Share Posted July 2, 2010 (edited) Sorry I don't have any personal advice here. But I'm really curious if PhD really is all that bad (cause I'm gunning for it)? Isn't it only as intensive as you want it to be - as in, if you don't mind taking an extra year or two (since most PhD programs are almost fully sponsored by grants, and you can lecture while doing it), won't it be quite breezy? I've friends doing their PhD who have plenty of free time, and they say it's cause they don't plan on rushing anything. To be honest mine and my fiances and most of my friends phDs were very intensive, but it is no worse than actually having a job that pushes you. Actually it can be less stressful with a PhD as you get to manage your own time a bit more. Edit: just read your update - sorry to hear that but I think he saved you from a lot of pain down the track. I actually kindof think he already told you it was over before, when he said he promised no effort for the next 2 yrs...maybe he had been planning it for a little bit. Just try to move on and don;t hold out hope of a reconciliation. Hugs to you! At least the stress of an LDR disappears, if that helps at all... Edited July 2, 2010 by torranceshipman Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gradschooler Posted July 16, 2010 Author Share Posted July 16, 2010 To everyone who's been such a great support to me here, thank you! I don't know what would I have done without LS. I took some time off, totally completely off, to figure out things and get started again. I'm still numb, but it doesn't hurt as much. I called him to talk about it. I know it makes me sound stupid, that he dumps me and I call him to talk about it, but I needed closure. Also, with the kind of relationship we had, I did not feel all that bad about turning to him for closure. So summarising that, we talked briefly, I said that if things had to end I'd like to end them on a civil note. He apologised and said that he realises he should have done it differently. I have my peace of mind, not because he chose to apologize but because there was a rational decent conversation at the end. I think its a bit hard to explain As an update, I'm moving in a month, to finally go to gradschool, after waiting a year for it! So I'm all set shopped and packed, the last minute goodbyes and we'll see you soons are in order. Its good to have something that keeps me occupied. Now that I feel whole again, i wanted to update all of you wonderful people who've held my hand through it Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted July 16, 2010 Share Posted July 16, 2010 You did a wonderful thing for both yourself and him. You were brave and wise in my books to seek that kind of closure. Seems like you have grown from the experience and that is what life is all about, eh! Congrats on gradschool - go out there and make your life exactly how you want it. You go girl!!!!! *Hug* Link to post Share on other sites
lordWilhelm Posted July 18, 2010 Share Posted July 18, 2010 Sorry to hear the bad news... but I think that when the SO tells you something like "you're not my #1 priority" and "I can't promise to put ANY effort in to the R for two years" then he's made his mind up about where the R is heading. So in a way, he's right that it was better that he broke up than stringing you along without putting any effort in. There's no way that he has to work 24 hours a day. If that's the kind of advisor he's got, he'd probably be better off switching advisors (I've heard many horror stories about such advisors). I think you're only going to be a happy and productive grad student if you're able to balance your life and work properly and if you don't do that you'll suffer now or even later down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gradschooler Posted July 19, 2010 Author Share Posted July 19, 2010 Sorry to hear the bad news... but I think that when the SO tells you something like "you're not my #1 priority" and "I can't promise to put ANY effort in to the R for two years" then he's made his mind up about where the R is heading. So in a way, he's right that it was better that he broke up than stringing you along without putting any effort in. There's no way that he has to work 24 hours a day. If that's the kind of advisor he's got, he'd probably be better off switching advisors (I've heard many horror stories about such advisors). I think you're only going to be a happy and productive grad student if you're able to balance your life and work properly and if you don't do that you'll suffer now or even later down the road. The first paragraph, yes The second one : Its a funny mix of circumstances, the kind of man he is + the kind of work his advisor expects. Let me give you some background on how I know it : My advisor/mentor works with his advisor on a lot of collaborative research, I do the background work for my mentor, he does for his. Now his advisor is a man of precision. He doesn't mind questions but he'll want the perfect outcome. My ex is totally the opposite. He does stuff and then sees if this is what was needed. Different personalities, entirely. Hopefully he comes out alright of his progra, as you said, this is not way to be a productive grad student. Well well well, to each his own. Hopefully I do well in grad school Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 You sound more balanced than your ex - and y'know, leave him to his problems - his problems are not your problems anymore! Just worry about your great grad experiences, and how this is the first step of realizing all of your ambitions and the start of a great new chapter in your life Link to post Share on other sites
lordWilhelm Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 You sound more balanced than your ex - and y'know, leave him to his problems - his problems are not your problems anymore! Just worry about your great grad experiences, and how this is the first step of realizing all of your ambitions and the start of a great new chapter in your life Yup, I second that! Link to post Share on other sites
SassyKitten Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 Education is something you have to do for you, and the right partner will either fit in or they won't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gradschooler Posted September 28, 2010 Author Share Posted September 28, 2010 Just popped in to say hello. And that I'm doing okay Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 1, 2010 Share Posted October 1, 2010 Hi, GS! Great to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
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