Young and in a Long Distance Relationship

[lizziem]

Hi guys,

 

(Sorry I wrote too much)

 

I have lurked around here a lot but recently only got the courage to post. This site has given me so much help in my relationship before, but now I am having some troubles keeping my head so I figured I should finally start a thread.

 

I turn 22 in June, but I've already graduated from university (in law) from an Asian country. Meanwhile, my boyfriend is 21, dutch, and 1 year out of high school. As you can see, the age difference is not much, but there is somewhat of a gap as well, but when I came into this relationship it was a total-non-issue for me.

 

We met each other while I was in the Netherlands for 6 months last year (this April will mark 1 year we are together), and during that period, we believed we have "found each other". One of our main connections was that both of us are in very early stages of our lives, and we dream a lot, so we support each other (him searching for a good study for himself), me deciding what to do with my life. We had no insecurity issues and money was also never an issue, we split everything equally and there was also no insecurity issues like "she is more educated that him" or "she wants a good man to support her". Basically I was reassured early on that these issues would not appear, so I had faith in prolonging the relationship (which I would not have done considering I know I was leaving back to my country - but intending to return)

 

I had to leave Netherlands after 6 months, and 4 months later he came to my country to see me in my own country, which was also fine. Long-distance relationship wise, sexual intimacy had never been an issue and both me and him are very loyal with regards to that (and still are).

 

Right after he came to my country, we figured the long-distance relationship cannot survive a huge period of time. So we made some plans, (which I had before, but I just made more concrete) for me to study there (graduate), and from there decide how our relationship would progress. It wasn't a difficult choice to me, as I would still be independent (living away from him), just closer and at the same time I made no compromise since I intended to find a career there anyway. I also have no intention on relying on him for residency status, so luckily we've got those out of the way too.

 

Right now I have to stay in my country (despite him wanting me to visit him there to see his family) because I need to work my ass off to get the money to study in his country. As of right now, I'm pretty much guaranteed to go, since I have earned enough for tuition and living allowances, but at the same time, I can't blow off work to visit him still, since that would eat up a lot of money I cannot afford to lose. (he doesn't understand this. he thinks "i worry too much about money", but what he doesn't realize is the exorbitant amount of money i had to raise, taking into account the currency exchange rate)

 

The problem however is that early this year he went to Brazil with his father, to meet his family. Well, I have always known from day 1 of our relationship that he doesn't like his country so much and prefer a much warmer climate. So early this year he's been talking to me about me moving to Brazil instead, because it is "heaven compared to Netherlands, which is like newspapers".

 

The problem I see with this is that he has no plans whatsoever except for the fact that he likes Brazil better. I agree that we are in a committed relationship, but considering it's one year life (most of it intercontinental long distance), chances are that it is in no way a completely serious one which merits me going to Brazil with absolutely no plan (which I might also add, most likely will wreck my not-yet-existing-career-before-it-even-started considering I have no idea what a lawyer can do in Brazil where English is not even spoken). He is pretty sensitive on this subject, and has always been genuinely hurt everytime I mention that this relationship is not yet at that serious stage, and when I ask him what should I do there, he will simply reply "we can be happy. money is not everything, you can teach english".

 

Again, he has a brazilian citizenship so moving there is not the problem per se. But it will wreck all the foundations I have built before (if I choose brazil, i will be completely dependent on making a new life, learning portuguese, relying on him for visa, etc). I also really love what I am doing now (he thinks I am too crazy about studying and working).

 

We have discussed this many times, but the problem is that it is really hard to discuss this long-distance. Through email and Skype, I will end up voicing my concerns and he will end up voicing his opinions (summarized above). I know he is just 1 year younger than me, but I feel that he is making a childish decision. I don't really care much about what he decides about where/what he is going to study, (I thought I am being considerate and not too pushy), but at the same time he needs to also consider mine.

 

He is also very proud of the Brazilian culture and I admit, I am getting pretty much irritated by this when he justifies whatever issues i have with his character as "him being currently assimilated with the brazilian customs". It will be 4 months before I make my final move to Netherlands (regardless of what happens to our relationship), but within the past 2 weeks, he have added another problem. He says that he is thinking about living in Brazil, but is undecided because I will be in Holland, as well as his family, friends etc etc. He have said that he can no longer promise he will be in Netherlands but he will do his best to "promise to come visit me in Holland at least when I first arrive".

 

Justified or not, this pissed me off completely, and I had a go at him, and asked him to make a definite statement on whether he wants to be with me or not, as opposed to just a promise to "visit" which I find completely disrespectful. He justifies his behaviour by saying that in Brazil, no one makes any decision 4 months ahead, so he cannot promise that he will not return to Brazil.

 

Anyways, this pretty much drove me over the edge, and I'm usually pretty set on ditching guys who shows sign of disrespect early on. I actually really really love this guy and really thought this could work, but right now I am considering completely breaking off things with him, and just ending things right now regardless of whether we actually see each other later on. I'm independent and I definitely could survive seeing him in Holland if we do break up.

 

Right now, I am in a unilaterally imposed no-contact period (which to be honest, does not affect him much since he is traveling in Brazil and has less time to worry about being online/calling me/worrying about the relationship). In fact, he has pretty much been taking the relationship lax since he came to Brazil, but he says it is because "Brazilians don't talk so deep about relationships". (which I find lolworthy but I'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut when it needs to).

 

The reason I am in a no-contact process before an actual breakup is pretty much a habit of mine. I am used to ensuring that I will be completely dependent from a person before breaking up (so that there will be no issue of me changing my mind. It's a bad habit, but it pretty much guarantees little drama from my side.

 

What I need to know is that, if I do break up, will it be completely justified, or am I completely selfish in this situation? He thinks I am, because I want him to stay in Holland and be unhappy just because I can work there. This is also pretty much a one-off problem with our relationship, aggravated by my annoyance at his "brazilian" pride and excuses (i've never been there before), and the fact that I thought his statement that he no longer considers any plans made pretty much before we came to holland binding on him (brazilians can change plans last minute) and that he promises to at least "visit" me in holland, which I find disgusting and disrespectful considering I am making a move to his country (granted, he says I am not moving because of him, but for my not-yet-existing-career, which he says I put above him)

 

I need a rational head to think this through for me, because on one hand I know that I really do love him, and on the other, I also know from experience, that if I do break up with this guy, there's likely only 10% chance of us getting back together on my side).

 

(Just to add, I'm pretty confident that we will definitely see each other in Netherlands, perhaps 85% chance. There's also around 70% chance he will end up going back to Netherlands anyways (his desire to be in Brazil just unrealised dreams on his part) and do whatever he wants to study in).

 

Nevertheless, I want to know this from my side. Should I stay, or should I leave considering I have to potentially put up with this behaviour for 4 more months before I leave to the Netherlands.

 

 

Thanks guys,

Lizzie

[aerogurl87]

I agree with cannedstarfish, I mean you've already decided to move to the Netherlands for him, and now he just wants to up and move to Brazil because the weather is lovely and he loves their culture? If he said he'd like to think about moving there one day in the future after you two have settled in together in the Netherlands and you two talk about it then, that would be one thing. But throwing a fit about it like a 5 year old now is quite another. I'd tell him to be happy I'd even think about moving to the Netherlands in the first place, that's a big step in itself.

[lizziem]

Thanks guys for the support. You're right, he's being kinda a d***head and completely disrespectful of our relationship, not to mention to me personally.

 

Well, you guys have given me the answer I need. I will still be moving there, but I'm cutting him out of my life completely right away rather than waste more of my time.

 

Yeah, I think regardless of whether you love a person, respect is really high on my list. I'm quite disgusted by his attitude, and as far as I've seen, I can't find anything which justifies his behaviour.

 

Thanks

[Gradschooler]

That sounds like a sad state of affairs, and it can only go downhill from here. You sound like a very thought out person, I don't see why you should put yourself through more pain.

 

Good luck!

[lizziem]

Thanks guys. I ended it already, but I'm not going to lie. I'm feeling pretty miserable, but I know it's just because I'm leaving something I care a lot about.

 

I'm sure I'll be very happy in the Netherlands It doesn't matter now whether he will be or will not be there.

 

I guess I'm still feeling sad, so I'm also going to take some break from getting into relationships to sort myself out a bit It's not my concerns, but I wish him all the best and hopefully by the time I am there, if we end up seeing each other, it would be a civil (no drama) encounter. I want to sort myself out properly so if ever I see him again, there'd be no emotional attachment on my part

[Gradschooler]

Amen to that