CoopsizBlue Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 1st Post, long & tough question. Any that reply, thank you in advance. I'm a 27 yr old that has been in a serious relationship 3 yrs now. She's also my first live-in girlfriend. Over the last year+ (really since her last endometriosis surgery), I have seen her, and our relationship, follow a downward spiral. We had been good friends since high school and finally hooked up after a nice holiday 3 yrs ago. in the last year and a half, she has become depressed, de-motivated, anxious, angry, as well as suicidal. I love and care for her but in trying to deal with all the above, it has driven me "out-of-love" with her. We argue about all the usual things couples argue about: money, chores, our future. However, whenever she or we discover from our arguement that, for example, she may be in the wrong, that our relationship is in trouble, or that I am unhappy, it usually leads her into a state of emotional rage, followed by hurtful outbursts towards herself and then towards me, such as: "i'm such a terrible girlfriend, everybody hates me even my family, life would be better without me in it, I want to die," then followed by phisical rage, throwing and breaking anything within sight, wanting to get the keys and "drive off a cliff." I have threatened to call her parents or 911, only making the sitch. much worse. The only successful way I have been able to calm her down is to 'take it all back and tell her everything is going to be ok" We have gotten her parents involved. They are clueless and respond by helping pay our bills when the problem is $, buying her clothes for her weight gaining, etcetera. We have gone to doctors and mental health centers, gotten evaluations, tried treatments like the current effexor xl (not working), suggestions and options to help her deal with her issues; yet, she still opts out using any available excuse. All she wants in life is "a baby and a ring and anything else is just roses." Where has her drive gone, her motivation? My family and friends say constantly that she's "holding me back from my aspirations," and I believe them. Since our last dangerous arguement just before Thanksgiving, I've decided to break up due to this and a laundry list of other problems that have spawned from it; however, I have been unable to commit 100% because I am afraid that she'll harm herself or somebody else. Some say I should have her parents take her while I move out, some say I should again try to get her into counseling.....I can't take it anymore and am suffering at home and at work due to all this... HELP? How do I commit, what are the right 1st steps? I have a separate bank account, a po box and have several places to move to, but can't proceed without some guidance. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Don't threaten her. You need help for this difficult situation, more than we can give you. Please talk to local mental health crisis clinics or perhaps the practice where she has been seen about support services. Don't use her parents as a weapon. They may be unable to deal with an emotionally troubled daughter, but they are her natural refuge. Get them involved, and if you really fear what this girl might do, call the police in advance and have them standing by. I don't have a magic recipe to keep her from ever inflicting harm due to breakup pain. At some level, that can't be your permanent problem and it can't trap you in a relationship that sounds quite hellish. That said, I do believe that EFFECTIVE treatments for this type of problem exist. If effexor xl isn't working after you've given it time (like 4-6 weeks), then get back to the doctor and keep trying different druges until you find one that works. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CoopsizBlue Posted January 21, 2004 Author Share Posted January 21, 2004 I understand what you have said and thank you for the reply. I guess when she was at rock bottom, I should have gotten her into treatment right away. It was too hard for me , I was scared and unsure. Her medications have been switched about every 3-4 months through the last year. Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and effexor xl currently. I've always watched to ensure she's taking the meds consistently, and she is at this point. I feel it's just too much for me and I must take that step towards making myself happy. But I am still so unsure of the best procedure for a safe break-up that will prevent her from harming herself or others. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 I don't think you, and you alone, are responsible for her well-being. You two aren't married, not even in love. Your relationship with her is damaging to YOU. You need to leave. What she threatens (suicide) should not be the reason you stay. That is not love. She must know that she is seriously depressed. Will your staying make her better? No. Will it save her life? If she is truly depressed and determined to take it, no. You have encouraged her to see counselors, she is on medication. There is nothing you can do to make her better. Repeat. Nothing you can do will make her better. That has to come from within herself. At this point, you may even be a crutch. Something she is holding on to, instead of moving forward from. She has family to support her, and, I'm assuming, friends. If you are unhappy, you're unhappiness will not aid your situation. It will only drag you down to her level of despair. Let her know you care for her, you hope for her recovery, but you are no longer in love with her. Then leave. Just my $.02 -CG Link to post Share on other sites
mandarincool Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Hi, In the short term, you have to stop protecting yourself and her from reality and real consequences. When someone is threatening suicide and throwing things, you call 911, even if this makes "it worse", i.e., is difficult. You can't "take back" everything. The terrible situation is terrible. It is what it is and by pretending, you allow it to go on. Regarding committing either way, that will come in time, if you begin to insist that you face the situation. Do not put your head in the sand and cower like her parents do, evidently. Do not let her bully you, nor should you bully her to "just get well". She is very troubled. Hugs will not make that better. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 I'm surprised that your girlfriend has not spent time in a short term inpatient setting. It sounds that her behavior would certainly warrant that. Before I continue I'd like to let you know that I have been in these settings myself, and they have helped. I am not saying that anyone involved in this situation is wrong, or "nuts" or anything. Just that your girlfriend may be able to use the enclosed setting. A hospital environment is much safer. Medication can be monitored better. Every day, all day, is therapy. After that a partial hospitalization or "day program" might be a good option, followed up by outpatient services (therapist, doctor, medication). Maybe inpatient isn't the way to go right now, but a day program may be helpful. Talk to your girlfriend's therapist and psychologist (I am assuming you are not using some "regular doctor" to get these meds prescribed to her. That to me would do more harm than good. Get a psychiatrist if you can afford one for her, if you don't already have one.) This doesn't have to be permenant. She can figure out what has gone wrong, but she is going to have to do this for herself. Nobody else can do it. She's the one who has to stick with medication (give it at least one month to see if it's actually working) and therapy (always have therapy with medication, which again I hope you have a psychiatrist and psychologist working together). Discover all of your options in this situation. You can guide her to help but you can't make her utilize it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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