whether to end the LDR or not

[Ashbash11]

So, I am back, asking for advice again. This time, things have taken a new turn, and I am really torn about what I should do.

 

Here's the quick background: I live in Boston, my SO lives in California (3,000 miles apart). We've been together for 2 years, 1.5 of that has been long distance. We used to live together in the same city for 8 months, then he moved back home to CA for a new job. I am about to finish my graduate school program here (2 months left..) I was planning to do my internship out in CA next year, but because of some miscommunication/stupid problems at school, it looks like I won't be able to do that. I will be stuck in Boston for at least another year..

 

I've been devastated about this, because I"ve been working toward moving to be with my SO next year (we've been planning this for a long time). The problem is, if I stay in Boston for another year, it's going to make it even harder to get a job out in California.. It's a lot easier when you get your foot in the door by doing an internship. The job market is really bad out there for my career, as well.... I am not optimistic that I can get a job in CA. There are many more job opportunites for me on the east coast, and all of my friends and family are here.

 

I hope you can see what i am getting at: Should I break up with my boyfriend if I have to stay in Boston next year? I've been debating this.. I love him SO much, and I feel like it'd be a mistake to break up, but at the same time, our LDR might go on forever! There's no end in sight if I can't move out there next year, like we had planned. I just don't know if I want to keep doing this for 1 year... 2 years.. 3 years.. what if I can't find a job in CA? I refuse to move there unless I have some sort of career prospect there. Long distance has been REALLY hard on me. I don't enjoy it, and I am not good at it. I miss my SO all the time, and it's really tough. I don't know if I want to put myself through this for at least another year, if not more. I am just really lost.. I don't know what to do.

[Els]

I am so very sorry that happened, Ash. I suppose there's no way he can move to your place?

 

I have decided for myself that if our plans don't work out next year (which would entail another 2 years+ of LD), the best decision would probably be to end it. Painful, but possibly better than dragging it out.

 

Only you can make this decision, hon, and I wish you all the best.

[Ashbash11]

Thank you, Elswyth. I know that only I can make the decision, I guess my question to everyone is, what would you do in my situation? I suppose some people are OK with long distance and wouldn't mind, while others would end it.. I am just trying to get a consensus.

[Ashbash11]

I can say that I am leaning toward ending it... I feel like I can't do this anymore, especially not for another year or two.

[Rollercoasterr]

Personally, I'd stay, but that's me. My life is far better with Mathew than it is without him, regardless of distance or length of time we are apart.

 

Ash, you need to do what makes you feel better. If you feel like you can't take anymore, then you can't. There comes a point in your life where you need to do what is right for YOU.

 

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, but you're such an incredible person I know you'll choose the right path for you.

[Gradschooler]

If I were you, I'd give it some time. If you have invested in it, emotionally and time-wise, give it some more, the relationship deserves it.

[ZachNormand]

If you love him and he loves you too, I don't think it's very smart to give up so easily. There might be other solutions that you are not thinking about because you are stressed out. So, maybe try to think about it with a calm mind. With modern technology, distance is not a really big problem. And how about visiting each other on holidays for the time being?

[cooldudeinberlin]

Okay, Im going to tell you like it is rather than give you some feel good, cozy support just to make you feel better another day only to wake up tomorrow with the same concerns... (and remember, most of the people telling you to give it more time or stick it out just to make sure... are hopelessly devoted to their own LDR and to tell you anything else is 1.) beyond their comprehension as they dont have the full experience and 2.) would be admitting that they are in a hopeless case)

 

Follow your intuition. Do what's best for you first and foremost... sure it will involved a little pain, but its going to more painful to sweat through the next year, trying to focus on a challenging internship and placing yourself out in the working world at the same time wondering if it will or wont work out with you and "him".

 

What you will be doing will also be good for him. Now if something different occurs from this... like there is a way that he can do something to be with you or vice versa, obviously its worth listening to and following...

 

however, spare yourself and him the emotional stress of the LDR (people dont realize the damage you are both doing during a LDR)... the strength will come to overcome the pain... but prolonging the pain and living with it by remaining in such a painful relationship, on a daily basis is absolutely ridiculous and unhealthy.

 

 

not what you want to hear right now... but it is absolutely true... there are many potentials out there in this world that are as good if not better for you both... and that includes PROXIMITY... having access to each other is a key important factor in a relationship... too much life goes on hold and its simply not fair to either. Especially since most LDR NEVER WORK OUT even after the LDR is long over.... damage has already been done.

Edited April 8, 2010 by cooldudeinberlin

[ADF]

LDR relationships are alomst always a bad idea. People get angry and defensive when I say that, but it is true. There are only three conditions under which LDRs can usually work. First, the couple should already be well-established. Second, the period of seperation should be finite and clearly defined. Third, the period of seperation should be short. If those three criteria aren't met, an LDR has almost no chance of success.

[cooldudeinberlin]

LDR relationships are alomst always a bad idea. People get angry and defensive when I say that, but it is true. There are only three conditions under which LDRs can usually work. First, the couple should already be well-established. Second, the period of seperation should be finite and clearly defined. Third, the period of seperation should be short. If those three criteria aren't met, an LDR has almost no chance of success.

 

 

yep, yep and one more yep for good measure!

[Els]

LDR relationships are alomst always a bad idea. People get angry and defensive when I say that, but it is true. There are only three conditions under which LDRs can usually work. First, the couple should already be well-established. Second, the period of seperation should be finite and clearly defined. Third, the period of seperation should be short. If those three criteria aren't met, an LDR has almost no chance of success.

 

It's not that people get angry and defensive - it's that you're off topic. Coming to the LDR forums and posting blanket statements like this to any thread, instead of advice tailored to a situation, is bad. It's like a pastor going to the Sexual Health forum and posting 'premarital sex is bad' on every thread in which unmarried people are asking for advice in the bedroom. Or the people in OM/OW or Infidelity forum who post 'Shame on you, betraying your husband!' in every thread as well. Or spamming each thread on the Dating forum with some internet article on the 99 tips for dating, regardless of OP content. It's pointless, and useless.

[Ashbash11]

Usually when people say "long distance relationships are almost always a bad idea" like ADF says, they are speaking from personal experience. Maybe they were in a LDR that ended badly? Who knows. However, I respect everyone's opinions of LDR's, whether positive or negative.

 

I think what cooldudeinberlin says has some truth to it: you should follow your intuition and to a degree, LDR's can be damaging. BUT, if you love someone enough (which I do) you are willing to put yourself through a certain amount of pain to stay with that person. Yes, it's difficult being away from my SO, but I've learned to deal with it. That's not my real issue, though. I will be at a crossroads soon, and I will need to make a big decision about whether to stay, or go. It seems like I can't really get any solid, clear advice on here, but I thought I'd at least try.

[Els]

Ash, you can't because nobody can tell you whether to stay or go. There's too many things about you, him, and the relationship that we don't know about. If you have any close friends/family who know both of you well, that would be a better place to get ideas.

 

As I said, though, personally I would not stay if there was no chance of being together anytime in the next few years.

[threebyfate]

Ashbash, how does your SO feel about another year apart? This is a pretty important piece of the puzzle.

[Ashbash11]

threebyfate: my SO is fine with it. He says, "I will wait as long as it takes. You are worth it." It's very sweet that he says that, but he's better with long distance than I am. He's a computer nerd kind of guy, and he sits for HOURS staring at the computer and in his own world.. He doesn't sit and pine for me, or even think about me as often as I do him. He's even admitted that the distance isn't that hard for him.

 

Just because it's easy for him doesn't mean that I should keep doing it, necessarily. I also need to think about what's best for me. I'm one of those people who usually puts others before myself, so.. I need to really think about this one.

[threebyfate]

When it comes time to visit, do you always visit him or do you reciprocate?

[Ashbash11]

It's usually him visiting me, because I am in grad school and I don't have much time to visit. His job is very flexible, so he can take a lot of time off. He also has a steady income, which I do not have. I visit him during the summer (last summer, I spent 7 weeks in California) and on school breaks.. I guess when you add up all the visits, it's pretty equal

[threebyfate]

Okay, as long as there`s reciprocation, it`s all good. I was concerned since he appears to be kind of distant. Most often, people can`t wait until the LD portion ends.

 

Is the LD portion the only reason why you want to break up with him or is his apparent lack of interest driving you?

[Ashbash11]

What makes you say that he has a lack of interest????

 

Like I said, the reason I am thinking of breaking up next year is because the distance is very hard on me... I miss him all the time, and if we keep doing LD, it will be 3 years, if not longer (if I can't find a job in CA, the distance could be indefinite)

[threebyfate]

He doesn't sit and pine for me, or even think about me as often as I do him. He's even admitted that the distance isn't that hard for him.

 

Just because it's easy for him doesn't mean that I should keep doing it, necessarily. I also need to think about what's best for me. I'm one of those people who usually puts others before myself, so.. I need to really think about this one.

This excerpt from your previous post made me think something`s off.

 

As well your paragraph following, appears to display some resentment.

[ADF]

It's not that people get angry and defensive - it's that you're off topic. Coming to the LDR forums and posting blanket statements like this to any thread, instead of advice tailored to a situation, is bad. It's like a pastor going to the Sexual Health forum and posting 'premarital sex is bad' on every thread in which unmarried people are asking for advice in the bedroom. Or the people in OM/OW or Infidelity forum who post 'Shame on you, betraying your husband!' in every thread as well. Or spamming each thread on the Dating forum with some internet article on the 99 tips for dating, regardless of OP content. It's pointless, and useless.

 

I'm not off topic. The problems in nearly all LDRs ultimately reduce to one: holding together an intimiate relationship across many miles is very, very difficult. I'm sorry, but every LDR is NOT unique. While differences exist in individual cases, the similarities are usually much greater. Nine times out of ten, the people who accuse me of being off-topic are in difficult LDRs themselves. They want desperately to believe their LDR is going to work, and lash out angrily at anyone who threatens that belief. In a way, I can't blame them. I might do the same thing in their position.

[Els]

I'm not off topic. The problems in nearly all LDRs ultimately reduce to one: holding together an intimiate relationship across many miles is very, very difficult. I'm sorry, but every LDR is NOT unique. While differences exist in individual cases, the similarities are usually much greater. Nine times out of ten, the people who accuse me of being off-topic are in difficult LDRs themselves. They want desperately to believe their LDR is going to work, and lash out angrily at anyone who threatens that belief. In a way, I can't blame them. I might do the same thing in their position.

 

Oh c'mon. That's like saying every breakup, every divorce, every infidelity and ultimately every relationship is the same. Then again, considering how many people scroll through the breakup/coping section spamming 'Go NC, that's the only way' to EVERY thread (without even reading the OP, I bet), I suspect this attitude isn't all that uncommon.

 

Ash, I honestly think distance affects most guys (generalization, I realize there are exceptions, and those who care enough to post in this board are usually exceptions) less so than girls. I think more guys are content to just 'put the relationship on hold' and focus on other parts of their life during the times in between visits, whereas girls have greater need for frequent contact and emotional validation. I'm not sure if that means they love you any less.

[ADF]

Ash, I honestly think distance affects most guys (generalization, I realize there are exceptions, and those who care enough to post in this board are usually exceptions) less so than girls. I think more guys are content to just 'put the relationship on hold' and focus on other parts of their life during the times in between visits, whereas girls have greater need for frequent contact and emotional validation. I'm not sure if that means they love you any less.

 

Ha. You know how most guys in LDRs "put their relationships on" and "focus on other parts of their lives?" They cheat.

[Els]

Ha. You know how most guys in LDRs "put their relationships on" and "focus on other parts of their lives?" They cheat.

 

Yes yes and all OWs/OMs are bad and all women fall for bad boys and the same pickup lines always work. Yawn.

[ADF]

Yes yes and all OWs/OMs are bad and all women fall for bad boys and the same pickup lines always work. Yawn.

 

LOL. Go ahead and deny it. I swear, I have never seen so much knee-jerk defensiveness as on the LDR board. And we both know why that is.

 

However, not all women fall for bad boys, and almost all pickup lines are silly.

Edited April 9, 2010 by ADF