Trying to get my ex back

[drum45]

Here is my story. Any advice is very appreciated.

 

My marriage of 15 years ended last May. I was married to a wonderful woman and we have two children together, ages 14 and 12. The problems started a few years back when my ex-wife was dealing with a lot of depression. She had a job that was very difficult and stressful. We made a lot of moves, some accross the country and back in order (I thought) to get her feeling better. Then, I became unemployed and went into depression. I was unemployed for over a year. I became very negative and withdrawn. During that time we had to move in with my in-laws.

 

Finally, one day my ex-wife came to me and said "I can't take it any longer, I want a divorce". This was a complete shock to me. There wasn't any indication of this happening. My ex-wife would say "I tried to tell you when I was unhappy". You see, my ex is very non- confrontational. An won't say what's on her mind. There was a lot of non-communication happening. Within 2 days I was out of the house and on my own. She told me that all of her depression was due to me. I went along with the divorce so it wouldn't be messy. I didn't want the divorce, but I thought it was what my ex wanted and needed to make her feel better. I was and still am very much in love with her.

 

Since then we have been able to talk and get along. My relationship with my children is better and my ex and I have had some long, honest talks about what happened in the marriage. We have an understanding of how each other felt, our hurt and feelings. During this period since the divorce I have realized a lot of things I did during the marriage (unintentional) that made her feel the way she did. I've explained this to her and she tells me that she knows that I didn't mean to hurt her. She says that she just felt unrespected and taken for granted and something just for sex. I've told her that that's not how I felt, I was just blinded by a lot of confusion and frustration. She says she knows that I'm sincere when I tell her that. At times, I've asked for a second chance, but she says "we aren't getting back together". She also says "just give some space to get over things". But with the children, I see her somewhat regularly.

 

Recently, I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I shared this with her and she was very supportive. She sat and held my hand as I cried and expressed my fear and concern. At one point when our marriage came up, we both shed a tear. It was one of the most touching times for us in a long time. And just yesterday I got a new job. She was the first to call to congratulate me and share my joy.

 

I feel that we are getting closer and she tells me that she thinks that we can become good friends. I tell her that I love her and she responds with "I know you do, and I now really understand how much you do." I really want her back in my life. I miss her and the kids terribly. I miss her friendship more than anything else.

 

There is one thing. She is seeing another man now and it seems to be a friendship, but she has seen a lot of him (about 12 dates) in the past three weeks since they met. I feel a little threatened by that. I have made some other friendships with other women, but nothing serious. I really want to do the correct things to get back into her life, but I'm confused on what to do. I confess my love, respect, admiration and thanks to her all of the time. I wonder what I should do now to help make our relationship closer.

 

If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate all I can get. I love her with all my heart and soul. Thanks for your help

[helpsaraslove]

HI Drum,

 

Do you know how she feels about things? About your relationship and what went wrong? Why did the divorce go through if you still wanted to be with her? Is she so unconforntational that you couldn't talk to her about it when she asked for the divorce? It seems like it went so fast that you didn't really know what to think...

[KS]

Hi,

 

I think here I'd lay my cards on the table. Tell her you're interested in getting back together but you're not willing to do this if there's another guy involved.

 

I'd probably put this in a letter so she's got a chance to read it carefully and consider her position. You could suggest also that you'll call her for a chat in a few days time when she should hopefully have reached some kind of decision about what she wants to do.

 

If she wants it to go ahead you need this to happen only if the other guy disappears.

 

If she doesn't then you know where you stand and you can begin your life again and meet with someone new down the line.

 

Good luck!

[Juls]

Women are strange, and the more you chase after them, the faster they run away. We must not be rude nor treat them with disrespect, but to give freely of our affection ... to them this is a sign of weakness. It is so complicated, and yet so simple.

 

If she is seing someone, I can REALLY feel your pain, as I, too, feel the same.

 

Women are like animals, they live by intuition. They respond to certain patters. Man tries without success to understand, but the mind is too slow to comprehand. You cannot go after her, you cannot be the one making the phone calls, you should not be chasing the cat, but be solid in all you do and see her come to lay on you.

 

But be at rest, how can one be at rest when all one does is think of her. And this is the problem--thinking!

 

Think not of her, as when you are asleep and in your dreams she is not a part of that reality. In your dreams she hurts you no more because she simply is not.

 

Clear your mind of her, remember no more, plan no more, hope no more. Let her not be in your mind unless she is in front of your eyes, unless she is the one on the other line.

 

She does not insert sad feelings in your body, we arouse feelings out of the thoughts we have. Control your thoughts and feel no more.

 

Before you know it, without you knowing how or why or when, she will be looking to be with you more and more.