I just need to VENT! (long post)

[RS102max]

I want to release the primal scream trapped inside. Instead, I travel through each day, jaw clinched, heart cinched and utterly without release. The urge does not build, nor does it lessen, it merely is.

 

Speaking with others has done little to change my perspective as I do not seem to share their angst. Why? What did I do wrong they might wonder. I have done nothing to cause this and am not curious. And I harbor no ill will. The relationship just ended, amicably, without malice, as if passing away while asleep.

 

Nor am I reflecting on what I have done with my life, questioning my value and accomplishments, buying small red sports cars and dating buxom blonds. At 44 it might be tempting to do so, but I have jumped out of Coast Guard helicopters to rescue others longer than the years of not doing so. I harbor no self doubt, nor do I need validation that I am still attractive to the opposite sex. The life I have led, working out every day, facing life and death decisions had its affect. I still have a 32” waist and my body still creates testosterone as if I was in my 20’s. This is the urge to roar.

 

So, do I date the 40 something, newly single, overweight, divorcee that has spent the last 20 years doing the touchdown dance? She already spiked the ball and thought the game was over. Or maybe I can hook up with a 30 something single mom, too tired to date, too tired for sex, just too tired and really just looking for a replacement dad for her kids. That’s Ok you say, just snag yourself a 20 something hottie, vapid and horny. True 20 somethings can be good looking, but those willing have bigger issues than I am qualified to fix if they date men in their 40’s. Sugar daddy is not on my bucket list. Playing the dating game just makes my jaw hurt.

 

I did not wake up yesterday without a past looking for the perfect mate at mid life. I understand that LTR’s usually fail due to money or sex. I desperately want to get it right this time. I want to feel as if I am free falling, an intense ache when I am not with her. A longing and lust that is reciprocated and kept fresh through the years. Someone that is my sexual equal in prowess and adventurousness. College classes of the future would study our sex lives for its intensity.

 

I’ve yet to meet a happily married man; I’ve only ever meet guys who openly complain and those that lie about it. So I am not looking for the one desperate to get married. Don’t get me wrong, I have met happily married women.

 

So I am seeking the impossible: A woman that takes my breath away, that is so perfect for me that I can’t imagine not being with her. She insists I remain who I am and loves me anyway. She wants to feel my beastly heart pound as she lays her head on my chest. Doesn’t just forgive my Alpha manliness, actually revels in it. One that doesn’t complain about the wind messing her hair, she just ties it up. One that will follow me anywhere, with a smile. She is comfortable in her jeans and prefers them or a swim suit over a little black dress and heels. One that is not stupid or irritating. Understands the value of hard work and money and acts accordingly. Self assured in her womanliness. One that did these things and had these traits not because I wanted her to, but because she wanted to and that’s who she is.

 

If I found a woman like that, I’d want to be all the things she needs and desires. I’d protect her with my last ounce of blood. I would love her without restraint. I’d release the scream.

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited April 5, 2010 by RS102max
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