mentally/verbally/emotionally abusive partner

[lika]

Hello everyone,

Please give me some advice as Im very very confused.

 

Ive known my partner for 7 years, but we only been living together for 2.

We have a 1 year old baby.

While we were dating i saw him getting angry with me sometimes and overreacting (calling names, threatening to end the relationship, controlling, etc), but i didnt know it was abuse, because my father always snaps at my mum and did at us when we were kids, so i thought it was normal for men to be like that sometimes...

 

Since we have been living together things got worse, but i always found reasons - stress, pregnancy (cant do things we used to) then young child, etc

 

He would get angry with me cause of nothing - like spilling water, and he

would call me names and tell me to go to the bedroom, yelling at me, saying he wishes all women were dead. He would yell at me to leave, saying nobody loves or wants you here. Last few times were bad, he actually kicked me out of our apartment taking money and things away from me, both times i went to shelters (thank God for them) and both times he talked me into coming back by begging and telling he will try his best. I know its my mistake to come back, but i understand my self-esteem is so low now that i cant just leave. Last few days it was he told me to leave again that we werent working out and i agreed, but as soon as i get ready he stops me crying that he wants to be a family! I wish he would let me go, because i cant do it myself when he asks to stay.

We talked alot, i told him he is abusive and gave him examples, he said he didnt realise what he was doing was bad and of course said its my fault i set him off. And he said if i stay he will try his best to change. And also he manipulated me to stay by saying if i leave he will leave the country forever (he is from a different country).

 

I dont know what advice im looking for here, but why is it so hard for me to let go????? I know if i stay it probably wont stop, i feel uncomfortable around him now.... He says he wants to try his hardest to stop and when he feels anger coming he will just go for a walk. But im afraid im wasting my time????

[ssuzanness]

Lika, IPlease believe me when i say I totally know what you are feeling and going through. i had been there myself! if you desire, read my thread..emotionally abusive relationship. also there is a book called....inside the minds of angry and controlling men. It is extremely helpful as reading the other threads regarding emotional and verbal abuse!!

HE WILL NOT CHANGE!! YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME WITH HIM!!! seriouslly...you will think with all your heart he will...or your relationship is different...but it really isn't !! i went throught the same things....getting yelled at for spilling...doing laundry wrong....isolating me from friends and family...etc. he will not change...he will not leave the country forever...my abuser would tell me ...I'm leaving for florida in 2 weeks...what will you do then?....well he still has not left. I am DONE with him...finally...but it took a while....i wanted so badly to believe him when he said he was sorry and he was going to change..and he loved more than he has ever loved anyone....unfortunately...it's all lies....i ran away from him at least 7 times before i stayed away.... sorry im rambling...i hope i help...cause if it wasn't for this site and the people here that helped me ..i would never have made it through that horrible time in my life!!! please contact me anytime...be strong is all i can say...it is SO HARD...but you can do it!!!if i can do it...anyone can...

[TaraMaiden]

Hello everyone,

Please give me some advice as Im very very confused.

yeah, Well....so am I.....

 

mentally/verbally/emotionally abusive partner

Which bit of your own title is confusing you, exactly.....?

 

Ive known my partner for 7 years, but we only been living together for 2.

We have a 1 year old baby.

While we were dating i saw him getting angry with me sometimes and overreacting (calling names, threatening to end the relationship, controlling, etc), but i didnt know it was abuse, because my father always snaps at my mum and did at us when we were kids, so i thought it was normal for men to be like that sometimes...

....So you're telling us that following a pattern is why you're still with him?

Is your mother still with your father?

If she is, do you honestly think it';s any valid reason for staying with your partner FOR ONE MORE SECOND - ?

 

Since we have been living together things got worse, but i always found reasons - stress, pregnancy (cant do things we used to) then young child, etc

You've always found excuses, not reasons. What excuses did he find, apart form the fact that he's a dangerously abusive bullY

 

He would get angry with me cause of nothing - like spilling water, and he

would call me names and tell me to go to the bedroom, yelling at me, saying he wishes all women were dead. He would yell at me to leave, saying nobody loves or wants you here. Last few times were bad, he actually kicked me out of our apartment taking money and things away from me, both times i went to shelters (thank God for them) and both times he talked me into coming back by begging and telling he will try his best.

 

So he's manipulative and controlling too....

 

I know its my mistake to come back, but i understand my self-esteem is so low now that i cant just leave

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

This is utter total cr*p.

 

You may well have low self-esteem, but don't lean on it as a justifiable and reasonable excuse for your not leaving.

You see his behaviour.

You feel his behaviour.

You witness, recognise and acknowledge his behaviour.

Your low self-esteem is not the reason you are not leaving, because you declare exactly what he's like, in your title, and you know you're staying there voluntarily, and have done for a while.

It's not your self-esteem, because you've left before.

Why not do it again?

I'm really asking, not being provocative. Truly.

Why, if you've done it before, can you not do it now?

And stay away?

 

Last few days it was he told me to leave again that we werent working out and i agreed, but as soon as i get ready he stops me crying that he wants to be a family! I wish he would let me go, because i cant do it myself when he asks to stay.

Why not?

if not for you, then for your child.

if you stay, your child will grow up in exactly the same way you did. believing that this behaviour is normal, and acceptable.

if it's a girl, she may well get as beaten up by some guy as you are. and it may even escalate to physical. For both you, and in the long run, her......

If it's a boy... you want him turning out like his daddy? Really? Do you??

 

 

We talked alot, i told him he is abusive and gave him examples, he said he didnt realise what he was doing was bad and of course said its my fault i set him off.

LIAR!!

 

He's a liar!

He is transferring his blame and responsibility onto you, but there's no way he's right. He's a manipulative, scheming controlling LIAR!!

 

And he said if i stay he will try his best to change. And also he manipulated me to stay by saying if i leave he will leave the country forever (he is from a different country).

Good!!

Great!

Let him go! Encourage him to bugger off and go back to his own country, because you don't want him on the same phukkin' planet, if you could help it!!

 

I dont know what advice im looking for here, but why is it so hard for me to let go????? I know if i stay it probably wont stop, i feel uncomfortable around him now.... He says he wants to try his hardest to stop and when he feels anger coming he will just go for a walk. But im afraid im wasting my time????

Yes, you are.

He will never change because he knows that with a few placatory words he can walk all over you and make you do what he wants.

Why??

Why can he do this?

What does he do that makes you want to carry on being abused, mentally, verbally and emotionally?

What is so good about that??

[lika]

ssuzanness, thank you for your reply, i did follow your thread and im happy to know you are out of the relationship and i saw how hard it was for you.

Are you happy now?

 

Taramaiden, thank you for your reply too.

 

Just wanted to add.. after i posted here we had a talk and i told him about all the times he hurt me and that his behavior wasn't right and all that... in the morning he told me he didn't sleep all night thinking about what i said and said he realized how much he hurt me and how wrong he acted, he said he didn't see it until i pointed it out and took me for granted and kept doing it because i didn't say anything before.

He told me i could leave anytime, that he understands he has done a lot of harm to me and he apologized. He said he still wants to be a family with me and wouldn't do same mistakes again and said its probably coming from his past.

At this point i don't know what i want to do, i don't feel that we share the connection and love we used to and we agreed that we can see how we go for a few weeks and if theres nothing left we will separate. Also i told myself and him that if he is rude to me again im leaving and not coming back.

 

It sounded like he truly realized how wrong he has been and truly wants to change and he doesn't want me to stay if i don't want to, he told me he will help me leave if thats what i want.

 

And no i don't want our child to see fights, thats why i finally started to talk.

My mom is still with our father and i feel sorry for her, but they seem to not know any better.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, then let's take this a step forward.

Does he know, or is he aware of your own family's history?

Tell him you do not, absolutely not, want to go the same way.

Would he be open to Anger management and counselling?

Having a history is all well and dandy, providing you spot the pattern (as you have) and resolve to halt it and change it.

That's up to you two guys.

But be on your guard, say what you mean, and mean what you say.

It sounds to me as if, rather than being the one with low self esteem, you've actually gained strength...

 

This is actually a fundamental reason some men become abusive bullies.

Because we are actually 'stronger' emotionally, than they are.

Subconsciously, some men fear this, and therefore fight against it....

 

It's a possibility.

I think it might be the case here....

You are stronger than him.....

[ssuzanness]

be strong Lika!!!!

yes, i am happy now.

[celinelove]

hello..

 

i just want to say that i think my partner is also like that..well, we are not married. we have been together for 5 years.

 

one day when i was totally pissed off because he was shouting at me and being irrational i decided to tell him how mean he is..

 

i said it thru text message.. i told him that he was abusing me emotionally and physically,,and that i dont feel that he respects me. He got mad and said he is not like that and that he only loved me.

 

He dont want to listen..and he said that all i said hurt him ans that he cant love me the way he use to..

 

i dont want to loose him.. i also dont know what to do.. i still love him.. he said he dont want to be committed with any one right now..,and that he just wants to be friends...and think things over..

 

to all of you..do you think these kind of men have personality disorder?.

 

my boyfriend is a libra..and some of my friend who have the same sign have the same personality as his..do you think all libra's are like that?? oh men im confused..i dont want to end our relationship..because we are still HAPPY

[lika]

Ok, then let's take this a step forward.

Does he know, or is he aware of your own family's history?

Tell him you do not, absolutely not, want to go the same way.

Would he be open to Anger management and counselling?

Having a history is all well and dandy, providing you spot the pattern (as you have) and resolve to halt it and change it.

That's up to you two guys.

But be on your guard, say what you mean, and mean what you say.

It sounds to me as if, rather than being the one with low self esteem, you've actually gained strength...

 

This is actually a fundamental reason some men become abusive bullies.

Because we are actually 'stronger' emotionally, than they are.

Subconsciously, some men fear this, and therefore fight against it....

 

It's a possibility.

I think it might be the case here....

You are stronger than him.....

 

yes i told him about my parents and that my father didnt treat me nice and i didnt want that in my family, he seemed to believe me, but a month ago started saying he thinks i lied about it to make him feel sorry for me. So he missed the whole point.

He said to me maybe he is like that because his ex wife was like that to him and his brothers always were cruel to him.

He said he would do couple counseling, but we cant afford that at the moment.

Honestly, i feel like i want to be left alone at the moment, but for us to separate just to live apart is not that easy because neither of us have families anywhere here so some serious steps would have to be taken, thats why im hesitating about staying or not because im afraid to make a mistake either way. The thing is, i dont feel in love with him anymore, so even if he doesnt act abusive anymore i feel like he has killed all feelings in me.

[eraser]

I know its my mistake to come back, but i understand my self-esteem is so low now that i cant just leave. Last few days it was he told me to leave again that we werent working out and i agreed, but as soon as i get ready he stops me crying that he wants to be a family! I wish he would let me go, because i cant do it myself when he asks to stay.

We talked alot, i told him he is abusive and gave him examples, he said he didnt realise what he was doing was bad and of course said its my fault i set him off. And he said if i stay he will try his best to change. And also he manipulated me to stay by saying if i leave he will leave the country forever (he is from a different country).

 

I dont know what advice im looking for here, but why is it so hard for me to let go????? I know if i stay it probably wont stop, i feel uncomfortable around him now.... He says he wants to try his hardest to stop and when he feels anger coming he will just go for a walk. But im afraid im wasting my time????

 

I was involved with one of these types before. He will never change. No matter how much he cries, pleads or swears up and down that he will change...he won't. These types of people are incredibly damaged and it has nothing to do with you. You need to dissociate yourself from the situation before he damages you, too. You can't let go because you were born into an abusive situation. The abuse is what is normal to you. It's comforting. But that's not how it's supposed to be. The pastures are greener on the other side without him. If your self-esteem is low and you can't find the strength to leave for yourself, leave for your child. If you don't leave, you are setting him/her up to experience the same thing that you are experiencing now...being born into an abusive situation, considering it to be normal and accepting it.

[eraser]

Does he know, or is he aware of your own family's history?

 

Even if he hasn't been told about it, he can sense it. These types prey on those who are more likely to tolerate abuse. He is a predator and no amount of "anger management" is going to change that.

[hoping2heal]

Hello everyone,

Please give me some advice as Im very very confused.

 

Ive known my partner for 7 years, but we only been living together for 2.

We have a 1 year old baby.

While we were dating i saw him getting angry with me sometimes and overreacting (calling names, threatening to end the relationship, controlling, etc), but i didnt know it was abuse, because my father always snaps at my mum and did at us when we were kids, so i thought it was normal for men to be like that sometimes...

 

Since we have been living together things got worse, but i always found reasons - stress, pregnancy (cant do things we used to) then young child, etc

 

He would get angry with me cause of nothing - like spilling water, and he

would call me names and tell me to go to the bedroom, yelling at me, saying he wishes all women were dead. He would yell at me to leave, saying nobody loves or wants you here. Last few times were bad, he actually kicked me out of our apartment taking money and things away from me, both times i went to shelters (thank God for them) and both times he talked me into coming back by begging and telling he will try his best. I know its my mistake to come back, but i understand my self-esteem is so low now that i cant just leave. Last few days it was he told me to leave again that we werent working out and i agreed, but as soon as i get ready he stops me crying that he wants to be a family! I wish he would let me go, because i cant do it myself when he asks to stay.

We talked alot, i told him he is abusive and gave him examples, he said he didnt realise what he was doing was bad and of course said its my fault i set him off. And he said if i stay he will try his best to change. And also he manipulated me to stay by saying if i leave he will leave the country forever (he is from a different country).

 

I dont know what advice im looking for here, but why is it so hard for me to let go????? I know if i stay it probably wont stop, i feel uncomfortable around him now.... He says he wants to try his hardest to stop and when he feels anger coming he will just go for a walk. But im afraid im wasting my time????

 

Lika abuse of any kind tears a person down to their core. It causes you to question your own decision making ability and your own trust in yourself. Even the most obvious decisions become askewed to you, as you are so very confused. It of course doesn't help that you grew up witnessing your father treating your mother this way. That only helps to re-enforce it in your mind that this behavior is okay and it allows you to make excuses for him.

 

Abuse is also about control. One person completely controlling another person and that is why the abusers use tactics that tear at your self esteem and cause such confusion. That way the only sense of security you will have is with that person; sure they are hurting you and your children but they will have become the only thing you can rely on; the abuse will become the only thing you rely on.

 

None of us here in this message board can make the tough decisions for you but if you what you are telling us here is true then I encourage you to please take your child and seek some refuge. Your child is innocent and will not get a say in being put into an abusive environment. I know it's hard for you to leave but you at least get the option to do that; your child who will be harmed as a result of what is going on with you two doesn't get that luxury.

 

I know you are hurting, I know you are confused and so very unsure of yourself right now. Abuse is not okay and abuse does not get better. In fact? When you let abuse continue? It lets the abuser know that his/her tactics are working on you and it tells them they need to continue to abuse you in order to continue having their control over you. That is not something you want your child growing up in and it's certainly not something that YOU deserve to live in.

 

Please let me know if I can be of any help, I can find you resources in your area that will connect you with people who can find you a place of shelter and help you get on your two feet.