Is my friend making it too easy to get too close?

[whatstartoutasfriend]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Well here goes. I am a 35 year old woman, married for 15 years to a great friend. Thing is that is the ONLY thing my husband is, is a great FRIEND. He and I got together under less than ideal circumstances, but tried to make the most of it. The first ½ of our marriage was HORIBLE. We both had a lot of hidden resentment toward the other party and toward our son. We went to marriage counseling for a couple of years and things somewhat turned around. I still don’t feel I LOVE him, I’ve never felt that. As the father of my children and a friend I do, but romantically there has never been a true connection. We’ve talked about splitting up, but financially it wouldn’t be feasible at this time. So fast forward to my current dilemma. We have been best friends with another couple for 5 years. My husband and the wife grew up together and have always been very close. Over the years of holiday, birthdays, family trips, etc. she and I have grown really close as well. Over the past couple of years her husband and I have grown to be really close as well. Everyone involved knows of our friendship, it is in no way hidden or secretive. We go to lunch about once a month, have gone to a play that neither of our spouses wanted to see and things like that. We talk or text pretty much daily. NOTHING sexual or anything though. Well this guy is a “really nice guy”. He has many other female friends and I have other male friends. His wife and my husband are secure enough that they don’t worry about cheating, etc. The thing is I’m worried I’ve started to look at his friendship as a bit more. With the problems my husband and I have had my husband has never been a strong emotional support system to me. He has a horrible temper and is just generally a cold person. This guy however is very friendly, listens when I talk, laughs at my jokes, holds the door open for me and goes out of his way to do nice things for me on a regular basis. His wife knows about all this. As a matter of fact she kinda pushes him along. Sometimes I wonder if he is developing feelings for me, or if he just generally is the best guy friend a girl could ask for. I DIDN’T MEAN to develop feelings for him, but he’s everything I would look for if I had the opportunity to pick the person I would love to spend my life with. He and I share the same beliefs, morals, and general outlook on life. I do not want to ruin his marriage…I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. I love having his friendship and as the old saying goes ‘true friends are hard to find’. I fully believe this guy and his wife are just friends and I should feel blessed to have such good friends, but how can I keep from becoming too attached. How can I maintain this friendship without becoming attached since the affection and emotional support I get from him is not something I will EVER get at home? How can I make sure his feelings are still strictly platonic and not developing into some sort of ‘friend crush’? Guys, PLEASE give me some insight on what all this means and how I deal with it![/sIZE][/FONT]

[MadysonBelindaRobert]

i don,t have any idea about ur question thanks.

[Disintegration]

Seems like you have lost interest in your H and you want to be with someone other than he. I think you are comparing your H to your friends H and admire what they have. You see in him what you want in your H. Of course you can have couples as friends but you must however make sure to not cross that line. It just wouldn't be right for anyone involved.

 

If you feel like you are beginning to have feelings for you friends H I would recommend you distance yourself from him/them for a while. You'll just put yourself in a vulnerable place and maybe want to act on it. You really should never be too attached to another womans husband friend or not.

 

Have you tried taking to your H about how you are feeling and possibly getting counseling for your marital issues? People tend to get in a rut with marriage sometimes and look for an easy way out. No one said it was ever going to be 100% easy. Good luck to you.

[Ms. Anne Thrope]

Hi there - I know it's been a few weeks since you posted this but there aren't many other "older" women on here like us so I felt I wanted to put in my opinion (I'm in my early forties - everyone else on here seems to be in their twenties - yikes) You ask how can you keep the friendship with this man and NOT have yourself continue to develop feelings for him? Sadly, from personal experience, I don't believe that's possible. I've never been able to control that sort of thing myself (I was in a very similar marriage to yours, without children though thankfully. We divorced after a few years)

 

I think you have three choices here:

 

choose to stay in your marriage the way it is;

 

choose to try to "fix" your marriage (although to me it sounds like it's already too late) and hopefully become more fulfilled (both these choices would have to involve letting go of the friendship with him);

 

or choose to keep the friendship knowing that it may lead to the disintegration of your marriage.......

 

I honestly think it's that simple. At this point what he's feeling is really kind of moot from what I'm seeing. It's about what you're feeling.......

 

- J -

[You Go Girl]

You can't have this one. Sorry, I know that's tough. If you keep looking at him, dreaming about him, you're going to be one very unhappy woman, and you're going to want to act on it.

Money is a toughie, but maybe it's time to really consider that divorce. Your heart's crying out for some intimacy.