grandma

[grandma]

help! my boyfriends grandma is driving me crazy and causes problems between us. why? several years ago she had a stroke and he left arm is paralyzed but that is all. she lives in an assisted living facility that provides all her meals. all she does is complain about the fool, "every day"! so she manages to talk my boyfriend into taking her out to eat at least twice a week. the only times she calls is when she wants to go out to eat. he says the stroke made her this way. i say a stroke don't make you "Just" hate food. she complains anyway when we do out to eat and it ruins my meals. well today she was after him again, and i didn't want to go, he wanted to know why, so i finally told him the truth, that it is hard to enjoy a meal when someone sits and complains through the whole thing. i know i complain too, but this is way beyond normal. now he is mad at me. he thinks i am selfish and insensitive and i feel like an inconsiderate old shrew. am i wrong? should i go with to appease my boyfriend and stomach grandma, after all she just turned 80! 40 year old grandma myself.

 

i hate feeling so consumed with guilt and selfishness.

[Randy]

Let your boyfriend take grandma out to eat by himself. You could go once in a while but make other plans mostly. There is no need for you to tag along and make yourself miserable.

 

Remember, however, that if you are lucky enough to live to 80, you could be like her or worse.

 

I have a lot of personal friends who are very old. Grandma is complaining to get attention and make conversation. It may be the only way she knows to relate to people much younger. She is not asking your boyfriend to take her out to eat twice a week for the food. Likely she is chronically lonely and this is the only warm companionship she gets from people who aren't in their last days.

 

If we make it to our golden years, we have a lot to look forward to: If we haven't saved a lot of money, we have serious financial problems; we read each day about the deaths of friends we have known all our lives; people don't want a lot to do with us because we have little to offer (unless they expect a big inheritance); we are still attracted to youthful aspects of life, including partners, but youth will have little to do with us; if we are alone, we are terrified at night because we fear dying alone; there is so little to look forward to and so much to look back at.

 

Back off of Grandma and if she wants to complain during the entire meal and you are there, complain about something that bothers you. I promise it will make her day. And one day it will be your turn.

 

Treasure your boyfriend who cares enough for his grandmother to understand the downside of age and her incredible need for love at a time when its supply to her diminishes daily.

 

But don't feel guilty for staying away from encounters with her. Just remember what I have written here when you reach the age when you ask to be taken out to eat because you need to save your money for medication to keep you alive.

[grandma]

i guess i made it sound like i was begrudging "grnadma" her last meals. i wasn't. the problem is my boyfriend want's me to come with and when i don't i feel selfish. i love his grandma, really i do, i even call her grandma and have taken her to the store at times when she has asked. i know how lonely she is, her family don't have a lot of time for her, my boyfriend (bless his heart) is her only real friend and rescuer, i admire him for taking care of her as he does, it is one of the things i respect in him so much, it's his family loyalty. it's my own pettiness with her complaining. i hope to god that if i get like that i don't drive people away as she drives me away. i will accompany them more often, to ease my guilt and to be with my boyfriend as well. he really appreciates it when i go anyway. i just can't stand the guilt. i just can't stand the complaining either and feel i shouldn't have to subject myself to it, but i can make the sacrifice for him. grandma too.

[Randy]

Don't let your behavior be driven by guilt. That is not sincere behavior. I didn't make the post to guilt manipulate you into going to dinner with nana.

 

Her complaining is not what drives you up a wall. It's you. Yes, you. You are the sole person who selects how you will feel about external stimuli. Make the conscious choice, if you go out with them, to listen to her complaints carefully, process them as vibrations of air through your ear canal, and let it go out from there.

 

If you don't want to go, don't. But I think you will be a better person if you use this as an opportunity to prove to yourself that you are the captain of your ship and you will not allow others to upset you, because you have finally realized that the only one with the power to upset you is you.