Why do you even want her?

[Woggle]

For the life of me I can't figure why so many men chae after these women who treat them like garbage. You hear stories all the time about these women that cheat on men, treat them with no respect whatsoever and just walk all over them yet these men bend over backwards for them and are completely devoted. For the life of me I can't figure it out. I can understand if kids are involved and a man does not want to go through the family court meat grinder but in half these cases there are no children and these guys can easily divorce and live happy lives. Why waste your time and energy on a woman that is not worth it?

[plowman]

Woggle Im one of them, and I cant understand it either.but I do have 3 children. She has another guy now and its killing me and I dont know why. even my two boys with me tell me Im better off without her, I guess its cause now shes treating this guy like I wanted her to treat me. She didnt respect me though, and thats my fault

[tnttim]

I get it, it's crystal clear. Here's an easy to follow list of reasons, feel free to place yourself in the category

 

 

1. We all want what we can't have
   
2. Change is the hardest thing in life to accept
   
3. Men want the women other men have because it makes us better than them if we succeed in getting her
   
4. Love is not a switch than you can simply turn off
   
5. We want to prove them wrong for leaving us, and taking them back proves them wrong
   
6. We think it will make us feel better then we currently do when we get her back
   
7. We want to show her that we have changed and need the chance to prove it
   
8. Our emotions are greedy little children, always wanting to be justified
   

That's just my dime's worth of knowledge so far

[Fouts]

For that type of man it's the ego gratification of getting her, or in situations where they've been dumped or cheated on, getting them back.

 

Marriage and kids are an entirely seperate issue and shouldn't be included. Breaking up a family is a last resort and all other options to keep it together should be exhausted before doing it.

[donnamaybe]

I think some people don't feel very good about themselves. They feel lucky to have someone - ANYone - so they put up with the crap.

[sotagoon]

I think some people don't feel very good about themselves. They feel lucky to have someone - ANYone - so they put up with the crap.

 

 

I'll play along on this one. I'm pretty much in the boat currently of not feeling great about myself.

 

On one hand...when she wanted SPACE before....it was like a shark tank with blood in the water. I was beating off women with a stick. I could have had anything physical with them that I pretty much wanted....I on the other hand would rather have the relationship/commitment with my GF.

 

I'm in no way affraid of being ALONE.....I just want to have a teammate working toward the same goal.

 

As much as I enjoy the physical stuff.....none of it means squat compared to a LIFE with a partner.

 

I unfortunately am dealing with a FICKLE woman....all-in and then all-out?????

[donnamaybe]

I'll play along on this one. I'm pretty much in the boat currently of not feeling great about myself.

 

On one hand...when she wanted SPACE before....it was like a shark tank with blood in the water. I was beating off women with a stick. I could have had anything physical with them that I pretty much wanted....I on the other hand would rather have the relationship/commitment with my GF.

 

I'm in no way affraid of being ALONE.....I just want to have a teammate working toward the same goal.

 

As much as I enjoy the physical stuff.....none of it means squat compared to a LIFE with a partner.

 

I unfortunately am dealing with a FICKLE woman....all-in and then all-out?????

 

But, see, it's the ones you CARE about who can hurt you the most (i.e. make you feel not so good about yourself). The ones you were beating off with a stick - well, that might make you feel superficially good, but having a good man or woman by your side who supports and loves and honors you. THAT's the good stuff.

 

The trick is to stop CARING about the first one! Sometimes you just have to recognize the negativity the situation is causing in your life and remove it - like ripping off a band aid.

[phineas]

Marriage and kids are an entirely seperate issue and shouldn't be included. Breaking up a family is a last resort and all other options to keep it together should be exhausted before doing it.

 

This.

I fought for my marriage when I caught my STBXW cheating. But when her actions didn't match her words & I found out she was manipulating me I gave her an ultimatum then went to see a lawyer.

 

If I caught a GF cheating I hung around long enough to ask "why" then I was gone & never looked back.

 

Even when they tried to come back, no way, no how, no sir.

Don't even want to be friends. Friends don't treat friends that way.

[Woggle]

I think some people don't feel very good about themselves. They feel lucky to have someone - ANYone - so they put up with the crap.

 

This is true but when a man gains some self respect everything else tends to fall into place. Men who grow a backbone tend to do much better with women.

 

It just frustrates me to see some men just tossing out their self respect and dignity for a woman would not pee on them to put out a fire.

 

I know many hear don't like my attitude and my approach to male/female relationships but isn't it better than being like one of these guys?

[tnttim]

This is true but when a man gains some self respect everything else tends to fall into place. Men who grow a backbone tend to do much better with women.

 

It just frustrates me to see some men just tossing out their self respect and dignity for a woman would not pee on them to put out a fire.

 

I know many hear don't like my attitude and my approach to male/female relationships but isn't it better than being like one of these guys?

 

I agree. You can be both of those types of men, you just have to know when to use them.

 

You have to know when to stand firm and when to give in

You have to know when to listen and when to talk

You have to know when to put your own feelings aside, or in the front

 

You never know what was the right answer til tomorrow.............

[onedayatatyme]

Without reading the other responses and therefore running the risk of repeating something already said, here is my $0.02.

 

Personally, the reason I bent over backward was multi-dimensional. For one thing, I had an incredible sense of duty to keep my family together. My instinct to provide for this woman and my kids was very hard to turn off or alter in any way. Secondly, I really love her and was hoping she was suffering some form of temporary insanity because the changes in her behavior seemed to swift and dramatic. Thirdly, I was avoiding like the plague the sense of failure I feel with the demise of this marriage. It's really hard for me not to see this divorce as a personal failing of mine and I was willing to do just about anything to change the situation.

[CaliGuy]

Coz, Woggle, they didn't read the book I keep recommending!

[onedayatatyme]

that makes two of us, i can't find a single reason why a person wants a cheater back...probably they do not want to be alone or lack of back bone

 

I will say in response to this that I always thought I had a very strong backbone. When the s*** hit the fan, I temporarity lost my backbone completely because I was so disoriented. In my disorientation, I didn't know what to believe and reaction initially was to accomodate just about anything she asked for. That lasted almost three months for me. Eventually she was treating me so badly, calling me names, arguing, discounting everything I said that I started pushing back. Once I started demanding respect, my backbone came back completely and very quickly.

[confusedinky]

oneday, I am in the same boat, with kids you just want to fight so damn hard to save them from the pain of divorce. That being said, I know I can never have a real realationship with this woman anymore... so I have been stuck in limbo land waiting for the woman I fell in love with to "wake up"... the problem is she's not going to and if she did I doubt I'd be able to forgive anyway... time to grow that backbone back!

[mikeymad]

Coz, Woggle, they didn't read the book I keep recommending!

 

which is....

[Gunny376]

Because she's 44-26-46, her Daddy's the rightest man in town, that owns a chain of liquor stores for four states around

 

But most of all?

 

I'm just used to having her around.

[You Go Girl]

For the life of me I can't figure why so many men chae after these women who treat them like garbage. You hear stories all the time about these women that cheat on men, treat them with no respect whatsoever and just walk all over them yet these men bend over backwards for them and are completely devoted. For the life of me I can't figure it out. I can understand if kids are involved and a man does not want to go through the family court meat grinder but in half these cases there are no children and these guys can easily divorce and live happy lives. Why waste your time and energy on a woman that is not worth it?

 

Isn't it the same for women too? Yes...so I'll join this boy's club

 

Number #1 reason for all---

Detachment from someone you love is very difficult.

[Gunny376]

Because she's 44-26-46, her Daddy's the rightest man in town, that owns a chain of liquor stores for four states around

 

But most of all?

 

I'm just used to having her around.

 

 

That should be "richest" not rightest ~ but I guess that one would work as well?

[2.50 a gallon]

I didn't take her back, the thought of it made me sick, but deep inside I was conflicted as a part of me felt I should at the least try to make it work

 

Even to an long time player, surprise, them vows meant everything.

 

Almost from the day I was born, it was impressed upon me, until it was a part of my soul, them vows are sacred, between me, God and my wife. When you take them, it is in sickness and health and till death do you part. And from the minute that I took them, she became my wife, a part of me, that I had never experienced before, nor have experienced since.

 

It took me about a month to figure out that the minute she had broken them, that mine were no longer valid either. And then I could make the break

[PWSX3]

 

It took me about a month to figure out that the minute she had broken them, that mine were no longer valid either. And then I could make the break

I have to disagree a little. I truly believe the vows as well & that was a struggle with me, & that the bible says we shouldn't divorce & I also struggled with that but it wasn't until a friend shared with me the reason I disagree with you that I found peace.

 

Why I disagree is; both of you have a choice & just because she broke hers doesn't mean you have to break or give up your morals.

 

That is why I didn't file for divorce. That was her choice & she has to answer to God for that. I never excepted the divorce.

 

Now why did I have trouble letting go, because I was scared to be alone. I had never been on my own, we were married for 28 years right out of high school.

I still have that fear some with the breakup of my current G/F, but it's been easier. I also feel men think of it as a game & try to get the person back.

[seibert253]

If it wasn't for my son, I'd thrown in the towel by now. Even 2 years post DDay sometimes I just feel like "f#ck this".

[onedayatatyme]

I have to disagree a little. I truly believe the vows as well & that was a struggle with me, & that the bible says we shouldn't divorce & I also struggled with that but it wasn't until a friend shared with me the reason I disagree with you that I found peace.

 

Why I disagree is; both of you have a choice & just because she broke hers doesn't mean you have to break or give up your morals.

 

That is why I didn't file for divorce. That was her choice & she has to answer to God for that. I never excepted the divorce.

 

Now why did I have trouble letting go, because I was scared to be alone. I had never been on my own, we were married for 28 years right out of high school.

I still have that fear some with the breakup of my current G/F, but it's been easier. I also feel men think of it as a game & try to get the person back.

 

I waited for my wife to file for much the same reason. but I was having days when I was thinking "I take much more of this". I might have filed eventually. I would have rationalized my religious side because the bible, both old testament and new do indicate that adultery might be an acceptable reason for divorce.

[Owl]

Well, I fought to end her EA and rebuild our marriage because it happened AFTER we'd already had 17+ wonderful years together.

 

I knew how good things could be when they were going right...we'd had a wonderful foundation to start with.

 

And it paid off...its been about 6 years since our "year of hell". Things are great.

 

Sometimes you do it because you know that what you had BEFORE the insanity was worth fighting for.