INTIMIDATION....the DATING THING...JUST OVERALL HELP...

[longlegzs80]

Okay, just a quick little question. Its about the being single thing. But I was just wondering, could guys not approach women because of her being really attractive and they might be intimidated by the way she looks?

 

I been told I am attractive. I have been asked why I don't have a boyfriend? So I am just wondering if a guy thinks I am attractive could that be intimiting for him to ask me out or talk to me?

[dyermaker]

Yeah, some guys would consider you "out of their league", and assume that they'd be rejected.

[RetroMan]

Yes, definitely. There are men out there who will hit on anyone with a pretty face, but there are others (like me) who are just totally intimidated. I fancied a girl for absolutely ages (I posted here about it ages ago) and still do, but I could never ask her out in a million years because of the way she looks and also her great personality. She's pretty popular as a result of those things. I get this idea in my head that because she could clearly have anyone she wanted (she's gorgeous with a brilliant figure) that there is no way she would ever look at me twice...despite the fact that she used to make a good amount of flirty eye-contact with me and sometimes go out of her way to talk to me and stuff. Basically, no matter how much attention she showed me, I could never be convinced that she might actually fancy me (even though I am, IMHO, pretty attractive)...because surely nothing that good could happen to me.

 

I still fancy her to this day, nearly a year on, and I still just pine from afar. She may or may not have any idea how I feel, and I know I'm going to have to just sit back and watch other men go with her, wishing I was them instead. It sounds like I'm just wallowing and feeling sorry for myself, and to an extent I guess I am, but shyness is a powerful thing.

 

So yeah. Any guy who has a slight self-esteem issue could well be intimidated by your looks. You probably don't realise just how many men there are out there who are crazy about you but are terrified to ever show it. Trust me. First hand experience.

[longlegzs80]

I asked a friend of mine what is wrong with me as far as not having a boyfriend and her response was that I am intimidating. Which it was not necessarily to looks but she said I am a very blunt person and I speak my mind if need be. Who knows. Totally sick of being single.

[Darkangelism]

why dont you ask a guy to go out, if you are blunt and to the point, then take the lead.

[Girlie]

I don't know about men in general, but a lot of the men that I know are a little afraid of approaching women, period. The whole potential rejection thing, you know. But I think an attractive, intelligent, mature woman can be even more intimidating.

I have to agree with whoever suggested you do the approaching. I've done it, and I'm so glad. It's helped with my confidence a million times over and the guys seem to like the fact that I can take the initiative. Sometimes you just gotta go get what you want.

[Ring Out]

Yeah listen to Girlie. Get yourself trashed and hit on a bunch of dudes and take them home.

 

I would never put my fragile ego on the line to ask someone out who wasn't almost a sure thing (with the exception of being influenced by alcohol). You girls need to take the initiative!

[Curt]

LOL...

 

Just thinking to myself...what would Clia say to this last post ?

 

 

Curt

[Jon S.]

It's not that easy. I'm wary of any girl who hits on me. I find that at the places I hang out, I meet a lot of "adventurous" girls who have no intentions of forming any kind of meaningful relationships. So if I was approached by a blunt, forward, beautiful woman, my first thought would be "this chick is trouble." Now, that wouldn't stop me from playing along, but I'm a bit more "adventurous" myself.

 

Still, if you're sick of being single, it's best to start hitting on some guys. I wish more girls would do it (and not just the girls who are just trying to get some.)

[longlegzs80]

Good advice everyone. I really do need a change where I am not single and have a good relationship. It would just be nice to be wanted and feel wanted by someone.

 

But as for the intimidation thing, I don't know what is wrong with me. Seriously. I am shy myself but blunt only when need be. And I have to say I don't look very approachable and not so much the very friendly type. But that is what I think my looks give off and the fact that I am mature and have a college education etc. So, I don't know. I don't feel very attractive as much as there are guys who have told me I am. I wish I could just have the little ounce of confidence that I had when I would go to college parties but I don't. I barely get out. But this is slowly changing.

 

Now, since looks are a big thing as far as the first impression, what happens if I am not the approachable type, or friendly type where I am always smiling? People who know me know I am friendly, just a tad blunt, and fun to be around, so, how can I get this to be the message that I am sending to guys?

[Darkangelism]

The only way that you will get a good realationship is if you try, if you don't go out, then it makes it real hard for guys to come up to you, and even if you are shy you can force yourself to go talk to guys. Its hard but possible, shy guys have that problem all the time. I have that problem, but I have been trying much harder lately and was able to talk to girls that i normally wouldnt have. Even if you just go to places where guys hang out it would be easier.

[Marty_McFly]

Originally posted by longlegzs80

People who know me know I am friendly, just a tad blunt, and fun to be around, so, how can I get this to be the message that I am sending to guys?

 

Why don't you go out with these people who know you? Or go out with the guys you mentioned above that said you were attractive (not as a date, but socially). I've found that going out with friends is the best way to meet others, I never go solo unless I just happen to be in a situation where I can talk to a girl without it looking like I'm hitting on her. If you go out with your friends who think well of you, it's likely that there are times when they will bring along other friends that you can meet, or you guys will meet another group of people while you're out. If you're with your friends, then any new people will have the initial impression that you're going to be similar to your friends, which buys you some time to let them get to know you more, and then they won't be put off by your "bluntness" or at least they will understand you better if/when it ever comes out.

 

Jon S. is right, a lot of guys are wary about girls that hit on them. They may like it for a "short-term relationship," but many will be a little wary of those girls when it comes to something longer term. As far as approaching guys, you don't have to hit on them, just strike up a friendly, benign conversation. During that conversation, give them the physical cues (classy cues, not licking lollipops!), like eye contact, attentiveness, etc. that will suggest interest on your part. If any guy was initially intimidated, he won't be anymore, and he'll be more willing to make a move. It may not be a big move, just some flirting, because he may still be a little cautious. At that point, it's ok for you to step it up just a little as well, which will encourage him to make even more moves. Just make sure you're letting him take the lead in the flirting. So you will have initiated the encounter, but you weren't "hitting" on him. It's a lot easier to do when you're meeting a friend of one of your friends, but it can also apply in meeting someone at a bar, you just have to be a little more light-hearted and subtle about it.

[monkey00]

Originally posted by longlegzs80

Good advice everyone. I really do need a change where I am not single and have a good relationship. It would just be nice to be wanted and feel wanted by someone.

 

But as for the intimidation thing, I don't know what is wrong with me. Seriously. I am shy myself but blunt only when need be. And I have to say I don't look very approachable and not so much the very friendly type. But that is what I think my looks give off and the fact that I am mature and have a college education etc. So, I don't know. I don't feel very attractive as much as there are guys who have told me I am. I wish I could just have the little ounce of confidence that I had when I would go to college parties but I don't. I barely get out. But this is slowly changing.

 

Now, since looks are a big thing as far as the first impression, what happens if I am not the approachable type, or friendly type where I am always smiling? People who know me know I am friendly, just a tad blunt, and fun to be around, so, how can I get this to be the message that I am sending to guys?

 

yea i know someone who's in your position, the expression on her face shows that she is shy, unapproachable, not friendly...and already taken!! she is really cute/hot in a way, and has a tatoo above her butt line...so i just assumed she was taken.

 

well turns out....she is a very friendly person, the best intelligent convo ive ever had w/ a girl in years was with her. well it sucked cuase i broke the ice and began talking to her at the end of the semester....hope i see her around again when school starts...

I THINK she's not taken...i hope she isnt!

 

i told her that i thought she was a shy person. then she said she's very social and open when ppl approach her...which is true when i approached her at the table in the lunchroom. i normaly have class w/her once a week last semester, then she stopped coming for 3 weeks...then i saw her by the table and broke the ice and had a good 2 hr chat.

 

you wanna sende hte message that your fun and friendlY?? well u wanna know what i told that girl, "you have a beautiful smile" "i'd like to see you smile more often" (also i think she might have low-self esteem in herself but i dont blame her) you are the one controlling the self esteem, you cant let it affect your expression. tell you the truth, smiling takes a big part in whether you seem friendly to approachable. i used to be like her too, until i started smiling more often, which eventaully lead to me socializing more and making several acquantances/friends at the end of this semester. When ppl see that you're a happy/fun person the ppl will automatically come to you, it'll also make u feel good that you'll go to ppl and break the ice also.

 

in one insance she had her hand on her face and kept looking at her cell phone every 2 mins, as iff expecting a call. then i said "YOU ok? you look kinda down."

then she asked "nah, just bored/tired, just wanna see if class is gonna end soon or not."

"how did you tell that i was down?" i was thinking, "wow she didnt realize that she put on a down/sad expression on her face/attitude."

 

i told her...well if i was down/sad you could probably notice. i could've given a better answer, but i wasnt thinking at the moment.

 

half the time, we dont realize what kind of vibe we send out through our faicial expressions, because MOST of the time we dont think about it, so it happens subconsciously. but if you DO actually remember to smile, then you can control your expression consciously...doing it enough'll make it become a habit...soon you wont even have to remember smiling, it'll come automatically.

 

tell you the truth, most friendly/sociable ppl that dont smile/rarely smile....i think they tend to have a minor self-esteem issue, or something/some part of them is unhappy with something in their lives. i dont think anyone should allow that to affect their performance in daily interactions w/ppl.

 

i know you might now take my advice, but it's all in the mindset. you CHOOSE that you either want to change/grow, or you can stay ignorant and CHOOSE to not even give it a try and stay the same. they say ignorance is bliss? well in most situations it isnt, in rare occasions yes, in this situation NO.

 

i remember watching this anime when i was young, the captain kept telling her pilots to "smile, smile" one person's ability affects everyone else. like a chain reaction. if she smiles, the other pilots will smile...and in turn makes everyone else feel good...(they can see each other on screen so..) if one doesnt smile or is feeling despair, the others will see it too and feel the same..thus affecting their performance against the enemy......i mean i didnt understand her saying "smile, smile" at first, but later on i understood why.

 

cartoons and movies/tv can teach you so many things, you just have to realize it before it's too late.

[reasontosigh]

...i remember watching this anime when i was young, the captain kept telling her pilots to "smile, smile" one person's ability affects everyone else. like a chain reaction. if she smiles, the other pilots will smile...and in turn makes everyone else feel good...(they can see each other on screen so..) if one doesnt smile or is feeling despair, the others will see it too and feel the same..thus affecting their performance against the enemy......i mean i didnt understand her saying "smile, smile" at first, but later on i understood why.

 

cartoons and movies/tv can teach you so many things, you just have to realize it before it's too late.

 

When I read this, I immediately thought of "Fantasy Island", when the guests were arriving and Mr. Rourke was shouting to those on the island waiting to greet them "Smiles, everyone! Smiles!"

 

The principle is the same, I'd say.

[danthegoodman]

DEAR INTIMIDATOR:

 

To answer you’re question yes and no. Depends on the guy and his confidence. And I’m not saying being arrogant or conceded, but just being secure with your self on both sides.

Some guys feel the need to be drunk, lift weights like crazy, getting more educated, or just learning from life’s experiences. (I’ve done all the above.)

 

It seems the harder you try to get a boyfriend or girlfriend the harder it is to get one. (for me a girl friend, I’m not bi.) For some reason women can smell or sense when someone is desperate. Maybe the same is for guys. I mean do you really want a boy friend in general? If you say you’re beautiful and attractive (and I’m sure you are.). Then it will just happen when you don’t expect it. Maybe a pizza shop

 

On a different note: the term ‘Girl Friend’ to me seems somewhat sexist, as is a boyfriend. I hate calling the women I'm dating my girl friend because it implies ownership; like that’s my car, my pet, that’s my house. I don’t own her, and I never will, she's her own person, as I am mine. So I rather say dating you exclusive, and only you. And introduce you by you're first name, as a real person rather than," That’s or this is my Girl-friend!" (And you can't have her, jk.). Anyway, just be you’re wonderful self and someone will come along and sweep you off you’re feet. In the future, If you sense a guy is intimidated by you help him out by saying, ‘HI.” Or ask him a question, tell him you need his honest opinion about something. (and smile.).

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by danthegoodman

On a different note: the term ‘Girl Friend’ to me seems somewhat sexist, as is a boyfriend. I hate calling the women I'm dating my girl friend because it implies ownership; like that’s my car, my pet, that’s my house.

I'm a member of POOP (People Offended by Offended People).

 

You think that "my girlfriend" is sexist?

 

You have your grammar wrong, a possesive pronoun does not always mean that the subect has ownership of the object. It merely means that the object is contextually relevant to the subject-noun that it is modifying.

 

 

Is "my mother" offensive?

 

No one owns their mother, rather the sentence serves to explain the role of the object to the subject. The objective noun, mother, serves as a mother to "I", because "my" is the possesive form of "I."

 

Is "my friend" offensive?

 

Do you have any friends? Do you own them? Would you be offended if I called you my friend? The above grammatical law still applies.

 

Is "my country" offensive?

 

The meaning, as in "My country, tis of thee", is not that the country belongs to you, but that the country that is being reffered to is something that you share.

 

Is "my favorite episode of Frasier" offensive?

 

episode of frasier --> your favorite. If you think that this claim asserts ownership of the episode in question, you have to look up some copyright laws.

 

If you are afraid of committing to your SO's, that's fine, but don't masquerade that with bleeding-heart political correctness.

[Arabess]

When you least expect it Long....you'll turn the corner....and there he will be. You are worried for nothing. You are a wonderful person, witty and intelligent.....and I'm sure you are also very attractive. Some guy is going to come along, sweep you off your feet......and you'll sail off into the moonlight.

 

....hey...when he proposes....you'll have to invite all us Shackers to the wedding....wouldn't that be a HOOT?....

[jenny]

wow. this is like the fourteenth in a series of posts where you explain your beauty and/or need for a man. baby, i feel for you, seriously, and i understand you are struggling with many difficulties.

 

i think most guys can sense when a girl is really into herself, and expects a lot of reassurance - it's pretty difficult to like people who don't like themselves too much.

 

i don't think your problem is your beauty. i think your problem is your constant need to be told that you're beautiful.

 

how would it be if we all implicitly accept premise A: you are attractive, and move on to new, more subtle, questions?

 

i think most guys would look at you, think "whoa, she's hot" and then move on with their days. say one did approach you. say he reflected your beauty back at you satisfactorily and consistently.

 

then, what will you talk about? how attractive you are? i think you should be working on questions you can ask him, or your own hobbies more, your family relationships, or something. anything. i really would not say this if i was not concerned about you, sweety, but scroll though - you do mention it a number of times; it's like fishing without being able to cook or relish.

 

very few men want to be mirrors.

 

my guy friends meet one chick like this about every two months. they call them mo' dorotties; it's not clever; it's just more dead boring hotties.

[longlegzs80]

The thing is I don't find myself beautiful or attractive one bit. Yeah I know I have the problem with repeating myself and that seriously needs to stop. But I am not into my looks one bit. Sure it might sound like it but seriously I am not.

 

I just go and do my thing, and I don't dwell on my beauty if I have any beauty whatsoever. I just have done that several times here but I get the drift, should have stopped repeating myself.

 

Anyways, it would just be nice to date. People who have someone in their lives just don't understand but can relate to us when they were single.

 

I do what I got to do to get through the days of work, and come home. I don't specifically spend my days at work to get men or try to get looked at by a guy. So I am totally not looking and it seems that no one is interested which makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I know I can't take a compliment and have not heard to many, I have low self esteem, and the depression thing and so on and so forth. But, I just do my everyday thing.

 

I am so used to being single, but wonder why can other people get dates and get men and I just can't, whether I go out or even when at work? I did used to go out alot and still did not meet many men. So whats up?

[longlegzs80]

Oh another thing. I don't need to be told anything. Whether I am beautiful or not, I just can't take compliments if I get any. So, I don't care if anyone says I am beautiful or if I am butt ass ugly. I been told alot of things without caring what peoples opinions of my looks are. I just talk about looks so much because it is the first impression and you want to try to make a good first impression. Well, I like to try to make a good impression.

[Arabess]

I wonder, Long....if the situation with your Dad left you having to second guess yourself? I think a rejection from a Dad for almost an entire lifetime....would certainly add to the issue of self esteem.

 

I was sooo upset when my 14 year old went to live with her 'up until then ABSENT Dad'. You really helped me when you shared your own relationship with your Dad....or lack of it. She is home this weekend and really DOES seem to have a happier healthier attitude about herself.

 

I think a Dad - Daughter relationship is very important. For those who lose out on that.....I believe it could very well leave lingering issues.

 

What do YOU think?

[jenny]

ok; i accept that you don't feel that you are beautiful. in fact, i think that's the root of the problem. you do dwell on it, at least post wise. i think it makes you feel better to have strangers telling you that you are beautiful, maybe PM you so you can send them a picture, and o! you are so intimidating, etcetera.

 

it's a poor substitute for actual interaction, is all i am saying. it's also a distraction from your neuroses. you say that you don't specifically go hunting during your days, but your posts indicate differently. you do wonder why your days aren't populated by men or possibilities often; but you do talk about other stuff too.

 

i'm sorry; i misspoke. please don't get defensive; i'm only commenting on the text and the patterns that i have seen in your posts.

 

i think you are a terrific girl and a terrific catch. i say that even though it's getting tedious.

 

let me ask you something different: how do you think you can break out of this rut you are in? it sounds like you taking a lot of steps in your life in general; why not add talking to men whenever possible to that list or deciding to simply cease the longing for men to approach you?

[longlegzs80]

ARABESS: I think alot of my problems that I have is because of a lack of my father being in my life. And it truely hurts me and affects my everyday life. In November I mentioned in another thread that my father got intouch with my mother but of course wanted to talk to me and told my mom he was going to start sending money. But, the money is not the issue here. I ended up getting a card that had alittle note in it and money, but he has made no attempt to call me or do anything to show like he really really wants to be apart of my life. I sent a thank you note, but there was no response or anything from him.

 

I know if I open up and start talking to him, he is going to end up again not apart of my life, and I just can't handle that. I am already an emotional mess as is, and if he thinks he can just come in and out of my life, it is going to effect me and effect my life even more. I can't handle that.

 

But I do agree with you about everything that you have said. Having that bond with your father is something that just hurts and affects my everyday life. Why else am I depressed? That is the hugest reason for my depression.

 

So, I been told what you have said by someone else too. Just about not having the father figure and the fact that I push people way when they want to get close. I don't know.

 

It really affects me though and I have tons of anger because of it.

 

JENNY:

Sorry about sounding like I am jumping down your throat, I just get very defensive about alot of things. So don't take it to heart. I understand you have an opinion and I totally respect that.

 

Anywho, I can't say that I don't look at men at work because I do, but I don't think anything of it as far as a potential date or think of it as a guy being interested. There were times when I had to question whether a guy was interested, but that is really it. Yeah, I do look, I do talk to guys but that is it. Nothing comes about and that is fine. Sure it would be nice to date but I am used to being single. I know I have to stop with wondering if a certain guy(customer at work) is interested. That is getting tedious and very annoying.

 

I think what I really need is to get a life. That is what I need the most. Not worry about men or wondering why I am dateless, just go through life doing my thing. I just feel like that is what I have been doing for a really really long time and it is getting old.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I totally appreciate it.

[monkey00]

Originally posted by danthegoodman

DEAR INTIMIDATOR:

 

It seems the harder you try to get a boyfriend or girlfriend the harder it is to get one. (for me a girl friend, I’m not bi.) For some reason women can smell or sense when someone is desperate. Maybe the same is for guys. I mean do you really want a boy friend in general? If you say you’re beautiful and attractive (and I’m sure you are.). Then it will just happen when you don’t expect it. Maybe a pizza shop

 

yea i believe that's true, guys/girls can easily sense it when someone is desperate to get with you. i've had experiences in the past where i may have manifested a little desperation, i wasnt thinking at those times. but i know better now how to control myself.

 

OR they can just assume that you're already taken and act shy around you, because you're attractive & intimidating to them. but hey....first impressions make lasting impressions, unless you actually talk to them and get to know them..

 

yep the harder you try to get a bf/gf, the harder it is to get one...about the same concept as being needy. ever heard of the scarcity principle? NO? well look it up in the search engine...

to explain it short, the lesser you are available the more important something is, the more OF YOU that is around the less important/attractive you will seem.

 

same concept as coin collecting...

[wiserthenmyyears]

Maybe your depression will not just go away. Maybe you are clinically depressed, maybe you should go see a shrink....Damn that sounds insensitive, but I think that it is effective. But anywho, I know people who did and they were able to meet people that they couldnt before.