I do not like the engagement ring..

[luiza]

Hi!

I know that this is probably the never ending story on this forum, but I would be grateful for some insights from people who could look at my situation with a 'cold' perspective.

 

I just got engaged, and as much as I liked the moment, I did not like the ring. Before the engagement we talked with my BF about the ring. I told him what I liked, and mostly he knows well my preferences any way. Yet, this ring is totally opposite to what I described to him. It is thick and heavy (and I like thin, twisted lines), with diamonds (the main one and few small). I have small hands and it looks really indelicate and it is uncomfortable to wear. The band is so thick that the fingers next to it cannot 'align' naturally. What is more, I stressed that I do not like diamonds. I love colorful semi-precious stones (aquamarine, amethyst or lab created alexandrite), that could be composed with small cubic zircons or diamonds, if that is his wish. It makes me feel bad that I wear something so expensive and I do not like it. I just wanted a cheap ring that would suit me and I emphasized it several times...

Should I tell him this???? Maybe I would hesitate a bit less, but I know that he cannot return the ring (it was ordered in a store where they make the rings for individual size). Apart from that, I do not want to ruin the moment of our engagement and I feel that I would do that if I started complaining. Most of all, I do not want to make him feel sad either. I am torn. Also because in Europe, where I come from, it is rather unacceptable to say to your partner that you did not like the ring. Additionally, I know that many girls from my country would die to wear such ring. All this makes me feel that I am ungrateful and spoiled.

At one moment I feel that I will keep my mouth shut, and later, when I look at the ring I feel that I cannot pretend anymore that I like it. I even don't feel like showing it around. Is there something wrong with me? And what should I do?

My friends tell me that I should not say a word, and that after few weeks this issue won't be that important any more. But I feel different... I love details, and I know that this 'detail' will always disturb me. But I might hurt him too, and I don't want that!

I love my BF and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I know that the ring is not the most important thing in marriage, yet, something feels wrong. I want to wear it with pride.

Please help me. As you can see I am a very undecided person....

[Lauriebell82]

I would not tell him that you don't like the ring.

 

I am curious why he did not buy you the ring that you really wanted. The only thing I can think of-and this is a little bit suspicious I suppose-but maybe your fiance bought you a different ring to see your reaction to it. That of course is jumping to conclusions, but he must have had SOME reason for buying a different ring then you said you wanted. Men usually want their women to be happy with the ring, so I do find that a tad odd.

 

My only suggestion (and this still may hurt him mind you) is tell him the ring is beautiful but you were a little surprised he did not purchase a ring like you described to him you wanted. Maybe he has a good reason...

[RobM]

This is why I like our system of buying big gifts, my wife goes out and gets what she wants then brings it home and says "look what you got me, it's just what I wanted".

 

My dad surprised my mom with a new car long long time ago, he made an excuse to stop by the dealership and while he was inside she was wandering around, stopped and looked at a car, the salesman walks up and says "what do you think of it", she said "it's ugly, I hate it". Yup, it was identical to the car he bought her. She learned to love it but I prefer my method, drive my wife to the dealership and say "what do you want, pick one out".

 

That way I can never be blamed years and years later if something goes wrong with it.

[carhill]

OP, is your fiance from a culture in which men are 'flashy', wearing stylish jewelry, big watches, etc? IME, in such cultures, the 'ring' is an extension of his own sense of position in the community of men. It's quite obvious in some cultures.

 

Have you shopped for wedding rings yet?

[Lauriebell82]

This is why I like our system of buying big gifts, my wife goes out and gets what she wants then brings it home and says "look what you got me, it's just what I wanted".

 

My dad surprised my mom with a new car long long time ago, he made an excuse to stop by the dealership and while he was inside she was wandering around, stopped and looked at a car, the salesman walks up and says "what do you think of it", she said "it's ugly, I hate it". Yup, it was identical to the car he bought her. She learned to love it but I prefer my method, drive my wife to the dealership and say "what do you want, pick one out".

 

That way I can never be blamed years and years later if something goes wrong with it.

 

Some guys prefer to pick out the engagement ring themselves though..like my fiance.

 

He asked hypothetically what ring I would want (he isn't suttle lol) and I told him and he bought me exactly what I wanted. I guess what I'm saying is that he probably wanted to surprise her with the proposal and ring and her picking out the ring kind of kills both of those desires.

 

After you are married and have combined finances is a different story.

[RobM]

... I guess what I'm saying is that he probably wanted to surprise her with the proposal and ring and her picking out the ring kind of kills both of those desires.

 

and look how it worked out

[Lauriebell82]

and look how it worked out

 

Yeah, good point.

 

In her defense though, he kind of brought this on himself as she did make it clear what she wanted short of picking out the exact ring herself and he didn't buy it for her.

[sally4sara]

Its a gift and you can pick out your own wedding band to wear daily soon.

 

About the only concern I think is valid is if he listened to what you said, decided you didn't mean what you said or felt he knew better what you should want and then picked out one he thought you should wear.

That could indicate a trend you might not enjoy in your marriage.

[goatee]

if you don't like him enough to ignore the ring, then tell him that.

[norajane]

There's really no delicate way of telling him you hate the ring he picked out for you without hurting him and causing trouble between you. My guess is he bought you an expensive ring because he didn't want a cheap ring symbolizing his commitment to you.

 

If you love him, be proud of the ring. The ring symbolizes your impending marriage and love for each other and your life together and your commitment to each other - be proud of it for that reason, if you can't for what it looks like.

 

You will have a lifetime together of birthdays and anniversaries. I'm sure you can get a cheap ring you like at some point in the future to wear. And if you really still hate the ring in the future, put it away because you are "uncomfortable wearing something so expensive" and just wear it on special occasions. For every day, wear your wedding ring and, on your other hand, wear one of the ones you like that he can buy you at any time for any reason.

Edited April 6, 2010 by norajane

[mitchl]

Just tell him. If he's worth marrying, he'll understand. After all, you are the one who will be wearing it for a long time.

 

Many people shop for engagement rings together after the proposal. You can still keep the old ring and wear it occasionally. Buy another one for daily wear.

[dreamingoftigers]

You'll learn to love it. I never got an engagement ring or a wedding band and it breaks my heart. I wouldn't care at this point if my H bought me a square diamond. i would still love it.

[Lauriebell82]

Just tell him. If he's worth marrying, he'll understand. After all, you are the one who will be wearing it for a long time.

 

Many people shop for engagement rings together after the proposal. You can still keep the old ring and wear it occasionally. Buy another one for daily wear.

 

I disagree, he will be upset..and understandably so. Yes, she is the one who has to wear it BUT he is the one who bought it...as a gift.

 

When I first got my engagement ring it was sized wrong. I had to get it resized and it took over a week to get it. My fiance was so upset that I didn't have the ring on that he worked so hard to pick out and spent so much money on. And I was going to get it back!!!!

 

I think she should just keep the ring and insist on picking out a wedding band herself that she really loves.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can always be practical about it and simply show him how it fits and say that it hurts your fingers to wear it. Then maybe the two of you can come up with a solution? You could get it recrafted by a jeweler so that the band fits you better (and subtly suggest a few other tweaks while you are with the jeweler). We have people here that advertise as 'jewelry doctors' that can fix/recraft rings to suit the owners - maybe there is someone there who advertises in a similar way?

 

My engagement ring is going to have to go through a similar process (in our case, adding some gold to build up the band since it is too thin for my fingers) and it is seen more as a practical thing than a 'don't like it' thing.

[mitchl]

I disagree, he will be upset..and understandably so. Yes, she is the one who has to wear it BUT he is the one who bought it...as a gift.

 

When I first got my engagement ring it was sized wrong. I had to get it resized and it took over a week to get it. My fiance was so upset that I didn't have the ring on that he worked so hard to pick out and spent so much money on. And I was going to get it back!!!!

 

I think she should just keep the ring and insist on picking out a wedding band herself that she really loves.

Then your fiance is just being overly dramatic about it (upset about a resizing?). Every guy is different. I wouldn't mind having the ring exchanged at all, but apparently your guy would.

 

If we had to like every gift we receive, then the return line wouldn't be so long the day after Christmas. I'd be pissed if a woman I loved told me to wear a piece of jewelry I found horribly ugly or doesn't fit properly for the rest of my life simply because she gave it to me. It seems pretty darn sexist to make a woman put up with an ugly ring just to appease the guy's ego.

[jthorne]

Are you sure it can't be returned? Most any reputable jewelry store will take things back within 30 days.

I dunno... I'd probably tell him that it is very uncomfortable to wear, not that you hate it.

Do you intend to wear it after you are married, or will you only wear your wedding band? If you just plan to wear your wedding band, I'd just stick it out until the wedding.

[luiza]

You can always be practical about it and simply show him how it fits and say that it hurts your fingers to wear it. Then maybe the two of you can come up with a solution? You could get it recrafted by a jeweler so that the band fits you better (and subtly suggest a few other tweaks while you are with the jeweler). We have people here that advertise as 'jewelry doctors' that can fix/recraft rings to suit the owners - maybe there is someone there who advertises in a similar way?

 

My engagement ring is going to have to go through a similar process (in our case, adding some gold to build up the band since it is too thin for my fingers) and it is seen more as a practical thing than a 'don't like it' thing.

 

That is a very good advice, thanks! I will at least try to fix the issue in this way.

 

The reason why I considered telling my fiance, is because we always tell each other everything. We are honest. Even if I tried to tell him that I liked something when it was not the case, he would often notice it any way. So I learnt not to do that. And it works between us. Yet, I felt that the engagement ring situation is not about any gift or silly circumnstances. Deep inside me I realize that I should not complain and be shallow about how it looks, since it is a symbol of love and committment. That is why I am confused.

 

I see that most of you would not tell your BF that you did not like the ring. I find it interesting from a cultural point of view. As mentioned in my first post, I thought that in the North-American society it was not a problem to tell that. I even found a similar thread on this forum, where almost everyone adviced - just tell the guy. Now I can see that it is not so black&white in the US either .

 

I asked my fiance why he chose the ring. He told me that he liked it and thought that it was very original. I appreciate that. And I think now I also know the explanation to the whole situation. He is a typical guy, he is just not very thoughtful sometimes. He saw the ring, he liked it, and at that moment he did not think that it should also suit me and represent me, he did not gather all the factors (maybe he was also nervous and excited). It just did not occur in his mind. I bet, that if he had been aware of it, he would have chosen something that I would like more. Guys just do not pay attention to all the details at the particular moment. They are simple and act quickly. That is why sometimes they are not careful enough.

 

Any way, I am still looking forward to more opinions.

[thom3]

You definitely should just tell him. Starting your long journey of marriage with mutually respectful honesty is always a good idea. If you don't tell him your thoughts on this, that ring will always be on your hand and be a reminder that you couldn't be honest with him.

 

Most guys will be happier that you got something you actually liked, and not just saying you like it to make him happy.

[2sure]

Its a problem, and unless you can offer him a solution to the problem and not just present it as an issue...you will have to get over it.

 

Think of a solution and then communicate it to him.

[georgia girl]

I was lucky. My fiance asked my sister!

 

If you genuinely hate it, I would decide what really bothers you about it and - like your marriage - try and find a compromise. If it's the size of the band, that's an easy and unoffensive fix. Show him how the band is too thick and suggest that you have the ring reset into a smaller band. You could even have the gold from the band you currently have melted into one of your wedding bands.

 

If it's the diamond and you really don't want a diamond, the stone itself can be sold and replaced with a stone more to your liking. But truly, I wouldn't completely get rid of the ring for two reasons: 1) he chose it for you and that does mean something and 2) that's the ring that represents the moment that the promise was made. If you get rid of the ring, there'll always be a cloud over the proposal memory. But, if you can modify the ring slightly to something you find attractive - even if not ideal - then it's a win/win.

[MichelleZB]

I agree with a previous poster. Say the ring doesn't fit, and go to the store to have the band redone. Jewelers reset stones all. the. time. When you go to the jeweler, explain that you want a thinner, lighter band.

 

Problem solved (yes, you'll still have diamonds, but you'll hate the ring a whole lot less when it's lighter and it fits better).

[Mary3]

I think the vibe I pick up is this :

 

If you went into great detail about the type of ring you liked and he got you something totally OPPOSITE of what you said , it might lead me to wonder if its more a listening skill ??

 

If he can't listen to how you want the ring then how is going to listen to you in general.

 

You can fill that question in : How does he listen to your wants/desires other than the ring episode ?

 

I know my post comes off as not appreciating what you received but my main point is : How does he listen in general ?

[shunter]

Tell him you want to change the ring. Getting a new band is inexpensive and easy to do.

 

Gosh this is soo easy just say

 

"honey i absolutely love the ring and the diamonds -- oh my God iam so lucky to have you as my husband!! but the ring hurts and is too big for my delicate fingers. I want to get a new band as soon as possible"

 

then dont let him decide how to change the ring. you have it already figured out. in fact tell him "and i found a jeweler that will fix it. i am going to take it to him tomorrow i just wanted to make sure you are okay with that."

 

take him along to the jeweler, explain how it is going to be changed while at the jeweler, you can even pay for it and make sure he knows what is going on so he isnt surprised at the final result and you are DONE.

 

He doesnt care or could care less what ring he buys you -- seriously, i dont think any man cares what ring he actually buys. he just wants it to be expensive enough and for his "bribe to be" to be happy. he also wants to feel like a MAN. so just make sure you let him know how wonderful he is and how incredible it is he bought such an amazing ring and that you cant wait to make some minor modifications so it is absolutely stunning, perfect, and you can wear it forever!

[D-Lish]

I didn't like my engagement ring. After a couple of days, I talked to my husband about it and we went back and exchanged it. It was so expensive, and I wanted something more subtle.

 

If it can't be exchanged- it's a more difficult predicament.

 

If I knew my ring couldn't have been exchanged, I wouldn't have said anything to my exH. I would have worn it proudly and kept it to myself.

[MrSnufkin]

The reasons you are together should be more important than what your ring looks like

Edited May 10, 2010 by MrSnufkin