I'm so in love with a married man

[llamafarmer]

There are a few details I should explain before I start this story. I am separated, not divorced, but live on my own. In effect, apart from the legal proceedings I am single. The second thing I'll say is that tell this story from my point of view....truth is that it will read that I am extremely selfish....after an already married man. I just hope that when you read this, if you've been in love you may understand some of why I do what I do.

 

 

I first met him when when I started my new job five months ago. We started work on the same day. At first there was no attraction at all on my part, and I believe nor his, although we were soon good friends. I was aware he was married and he never flirted or made a move. Eventually this began to change and we got closer. We'd text each other....nothing serious...silly comments mainly. We even went for a drink together after work..nothing happened but we chatted like old friends. It was getting clearer that there was a very strong bond between us.

 

The turning point came one night when we were alone. This happened at the end of October....we'd known each other two months as friends. He told me I was his soulmate and we began kissing. I knew he was married but it felt natural and right. I know this will also sound strange but neither of us pulled away. The next day we exchanged texts. He apologised and said due to him being married we ought to just stay friends. We met a few days later outside of work to discuss what had happened. I was clearly upset and he was feeling guilty. He said he'd never done anything like this in his 9 years of marriage. He did seem very stressed about it all and I do believe this was a one off for him. For about two weeks we kept out of each others way but eventually we started talking at work as friends. He suggested we go for a drink to catch up. The same thing happened as two weeks previous. This time I asked him whether it felt right to him and he said it did.

 

For the next 6 weeks our lives followed a pattern. We'd meet up after work 3 times a week. Go for a coffee or a drink. We'd talk and talk and the attraction was getting stronger. He told me I was his soulmate, that he was in love with me.....he more than loved me, that I had his heart, that he has never wanted anyone as much in his life. He told me him and his wife were not intimate and hadn't been for a very long time. Eventually we slept together. It felt wonderful. He said it was the best he'd ever felt with anyone. A bombshell was coming my way though. One night he told me that his wife was on IVF. He said it was a process begun before he met me, it was her last chance for children, he couldn't deny her this, he wanted a child too, etc. I ought to perhaps mention that he is 46. His wife is 35. I am 29. I cried and cried. I hadn't even thought of pregnancy as an issue due to his previous promise. He told me to believe in him and not to give up on us. He convinced me that it didn't change how he felt about me. I asked him why he hadn't told me....he told me he hadn't lied...witholding information.

 

I then was told she was pregnant. I cried and cried. The news was just the worst thing in the world. I felt sick inside. He once again begged me to not give up on him, that it didn't change how he felt about her and he still wanted me. He drove over on the day of the results and spent three hours with me...asking me to believe in him. Prior to this he'd told me that his future was with me and he wanted to be with me. I was once again convinced that he was worth the pain. Things were so hard. It was painful to know that he was planning the baby with her. He kept reassuring me that it was me who his future was with and the baby wouldn't change us. By now I was so madly in love with him and believed him.

 

At 14 weeks his wife miscarried. She hadn't found out about us...that was not the cause....but the shock was terrible. He was quiet for a few days and then eventually met with me. He told me he felt guilty and he's caused the miscarriage...it was a punishment for his relationship with me. A week on we still see each other....we meet up and he tells me he still wants me. We haven't slept together since, he feels too guilty. I asked him whether he still believed in us and he has said yes. His guilt is clear and I am left unclear as to what the future now holds for us. We meet and spend time together...kiss, cuddle, hold hands, but he is clearly suffering guilt. He texts me all time time to say he misses me. He says he never tires of being with me. He says he feels down. He wants me, but the guilt is terrible.

 

I don't know what to do. The pain is awful. I fear now that the guilt of all this means he'll never leave his wife who he will now feel guilty as to how he has behaved towards her. I fear now the IVF has finished and it was her last course that they may try to have sex again to get her pregnant. I have been making secret plans to change jobs and begun looking at moving in case he decides he can no longer cope with our relationship. I couldn't stand working with him and seeing him if he no longer wants me. I can't stand the thought of us parting. I've given him everything emotionally and I feel sick at the thought of him leaving me. I'm so in love with him and have never felt this way for anyone.

 

I don't know what to do any more. I don't know what will happen to us now. I don't know what to do. I want to believe that we will be together...he seems to be getting close to me again bit by bit....but I have no idea what will happen in the future any more. I need advice and help.

[skywriter]

Hello llamafarmer,

 

I hope you can find some answers here at LS.

 

From your story, you are on the perverbial roller coaster ride that many, if not all, that become involved with an already committed person, quickly finds themselves on.

 

I'm sorry to say, it never gets better. Settle into second place, if you're lucky to be second. If they ever do have children, you'll of course be in line behind them as well.

 

It gets worse, vacations, holiday gatherings, birthdays, and so forth, you'll find yourself alone.

 

To make a long, sad story short. You'll learn the painful lesson of becoming involved with a person that is ok, with stringing you along, leaving you on the outside looking in at them living, while you are always waiting.

 

It's self inflicted cruelty and I'm sorry that you've found yourself in such a place.

[In_Repair]

He wants you... BUT. That is your cue to walk away.

 

Let me get this straight... you are his soul mate, but he is trying to make babies with another woman. Then the ******* tells you that having a baby with his wife won't change anything, and that he is still going to be with you? So... he is purposely making a baby with the intention of walking out on it?

 

Why would you be willing to live the empty life of an OM/OW just to be with this prick?

[Fallen Angel]

I hadn't even thought of pregnancy as an issue due to his previous promise. He told me to believe in him and not to give up on us. He convinced me that it didn't change how he felt about me. I asked him why he hadn't told me....he told me he hadn't lied...witholding information.

 

Perhaps I missed something, but what promise?

 

Did he promise he was leaving her?

 

My only real advice for you is this... a man who is planning a family with someone is not planning on leaving her any time soon. If you are his "soul mate" and he wants to leave and be with you, then rather than planning a lifetime commitment with her, he would be planning a lifetime commitment with you. If he wants a child, then I would say that he has a better shot at having that with you than with her (due to your ages and the fact that she needs IVF to become pregnant), so that makes no sense to me.

 

I think he just wants you on the side of his marriage, not that he plans on making you his partner. But that is just my opinion, for what it is worth.

[Lizzie60]

Ah Gawdd... he will not leave his wife..

 

Move on.. I know it's hard.. but it will always get harder and harder.. Get another job.. do everything it takes. but stay away from him... he's playing you..

[llamafarmer]

Perhaps I missed something, but what promise? Did he promise he was leaving her? (From Fallen Angel's post)

 

Sorry. I haven't made much sense in my post...I'm writing in a bit of a state. I meant the pregnancy was a shock as he'd promised me they didn't sleep together.

 

In terms of what he has said to me. He's told me that one day he wants us to be together...live together and that he sees his future with me. He says he wouldn't be in the relationship if he didn't want me and that he wouldn't risk losing everything if he didn't want to be with me. He says he wouldn't have the relationship if he didn't want his life with me. He has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. This is why this all hurts so much. I love him.

 

Thank you for the replies. I know you will all think I'm a terrible person...but I promise I have never ever done this before and I wouldn't if I was not totally in love with him.

Edited April 6, 2010 by llamafarmer
my mistake

[norajane]

All I can say is it's time to get a grip!

 

This man is NOT leaving his wife for you. Not gonna happen. That should be very clear to you at this point.

 

Calm down, stop letting your emotions lead you, and gain control of reality. Start by understanding that this man is using, and has been using, every line in the MM Playbook to convince you to have this affair with him. The reality is yeah, he's been married 9 years and they've been having trouble conceiving a child, so he's been feeling out of sorts and there you are - ready and willing to buy into his "woe is me" and make him feel all good about himself.

 

Everything he has said to you is textbook lure words by MM. You are the fish, and he hooked you easily enough. But what do his actions tell you? He's trying to make a baby with his wife and has made no move to leave her and is hiding you to make sure his wife never, ever finds out and kicks him out.

 

It's past time for you to take a deep breath and free yourself of this lying, cheating man who has the sociopathic balls to f*ck around behind his wife's back while they are trying to get pregnant, during her pregnancy and miscarriage and the aftermath. Seriously, this is the kind of man you want?

 

Freeze him out, find a new job - whatever it takes, get a grip on your luuuuv and start using your common sense and get away from this vampire.

[Fallen Angel]

Sorry. I haven't made much sense in my post...I'm writing in a bit of a state. (1)I meant the pregnancy was a shock as he'd promised me they didn't sleep together.

 

In terms of what he has said to me. He's told me that one day he wants us to be together...live together and that he sees his future with me. He says he wouldn't be in the relationship if he didn't want me and that he wouldn't risk losing everything if he didn't want to be with me. He says he wouldn't have the relationship if he didn't want his life with me. He has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. This is why this all hurts so much. I love him.

 

Thank you for the replies.(2) I know you will all think I'm a terrible person...but I promise I have never ever done this before and I wouldn't if I was not totally in love with him.

 

 

(2) First, let me say that I will not judge you. I, too, am involved with a man with previous legal commitments. So you being the OW does not taint you in my eyes.

 

But, I think your MM is the typical "cake-eater" they speak about so often on this board. This is not a man who is staying with his wife out of obligation to "family". He does not stay because he wants to keep the family together until his children are grown. He does not stay because there are mouths to feed and to split the incomes between two households would be to deny his children the lifestyle to which they are accustomed.

 

This is a man who is married to a woman with whom he has no ties other than the marriage contract and possibly some real-property. He choses to stay with her for one of two reasons. Either he loves her, or he doesn't want to split the property. In either case, you are not his priority. That much is clear.

 

I am sorry if hearing that is hurtful, but what other reason does he give for why he has not separated and initiated divorce?

 

(1)I wish for you it was different, but he is obviously making plans (and spending good money) to create a family with her. Having children with her would bind him to her for life. Even if they eventually divorce each other, they do not divorce the children, so they will be co-parenting their child forever!

 

That is not a commitment that someone PLANS with someone they plan to leave. Unless he is some kind of sociopathic monster.

 

I think he is stringing you along with pretty words because you are offering all of you while being willing to accept nothing in return. I think he will continue to do the same until you stop it. *shrug*

 

It is sad to me, because I think you honestly have feelings for this man, but his words are contradictory to his behaviour. For now he will say he can not leave because of the loss of the baby. before you know it, she will be on another round of IVF and you will be left devastated again. Prepare yourself for the blow, I fear that it will be a hard one.

 

((hugs to you))

[torranceshipman]

A bombshell was coming my way though. One night he told me that his wife was on IVF. He said it was a process begun before he met me, it was her last chance for children, he couldn't deny her this, he wanted a child too, etc.

 

Seriously, think about what is happening here - you must have at least the intuition that he is lying to you hand over fist. He will never leave his W, and he is clearly very happy where he is if he is planning a family with her.

[ladydesigner]

FA your words are so true. Very good advice. Llamafarmer if there is any way to start to emotionally distance yourself and maybe get into some counseling would be a great help. Get yourself stronger. Your MM probably knows how much power he has over you, don't let him. Start to take your power back. You ARE in control of your situation.

 

I know in my own M not being able to conceive a child can be very stressful on both parties and this MM is being very selfish. Sure you both may be in love with each other, but he is leading two lives here and sitting permanently on the fence.

 

I feel sorry for both you and his wife

 

I truly hope you find your way out of this situation as it is only benefitting one person...the MM.

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation. A's are painful experiences. I hope you can find the help and support you need here. Welcome to LS.

Edited April 6, 2010 by ladydesigner

[skylarblue]

First, I want to say that I am sorry that you are in such pain. Second, I want to point out that I am a total hypocrite as I do not follow the words I am giving you (even though I should)…

 

I understand the feeling. I kinda feel the same way about my MM, but it is not natural and right. He is married. Lying and cheating on the woman he made vows to, and I think lying and exaggerating his intentions, thoughts and situation to you in an effort to keep both Rs. You are condoning and accepting not only this treatment for yourself, but pardoning and participating in the bad treatment of another (his W).

 

He may have felt guilty, but apparently after some thought it wasn’t an overwhelming factor because he continued to see you. I think he intended for things to happen when he suggested going out for drinks. It was his set up to get back into play after his “guilt” story. This guy is full of it. He wants you, but the guilt is so terrible? BS!!! The guilt is not so terrible. He lives, lies (sleep), and lies with/to his W everyday. The guilt isn’t so terrible that he stops or confesses to his W what he has done or redirects his energy towards his M. I just get so pissed at “the guilt is killing me” line. Total bullsh*t.

 

The pain is awful…I've given him everything emotionally and I feel sick at the thought of him leaving me…The pain is going to be 1000 times worst a year from now when you’re still riding the emotional roller coaster and playing the waiting game while he’s still in his M at home with his W and possible baby. What a great pay-off for given someone everything emotionally, right? Gotta love that natural and right feeling…

 

As I said, I understand. I feel like my MM and I “belong” together. I continue to fall deeper and deeper for him knowing that I’m heading towards a dead end and just intensifying the heartache yet to come…What should you do? Take action to move on from him. I’m glad you are making an effort to help alleviate the process of getting past him, although I think he will still try to pursue you even if you changed jobs. Take the heartache now (you are already) in ending it to prevent the heartache from continuing and increasing in the future. Believe me, I know it’s easier said than done, but the ball is really in your court. You have the power to end everything that is going on, but you’re giving him all the power and letting him decide the course of your life.

 

Have you said anything to him about your feelings, about the pain being awful and your worries about him impregnating his W, the effect of his mismatch in words and actions and the uncertain you feel (especially since he claims you are his “soul mate”).

[2sure]

You have got to consider two things, very very seriously:

 

Most MM tell OW they no longer have sex with their wives.

 

Yours went so far as to say they were pregnant due to invitro ...as opposed to the normal course of fertilization drugs. Now...really, he expected you to believe that although they desperately wanted to have a child together...they did not want to actually touch each other to do this?

 

Most MM tell OW to wait because they are planning on leaving their wives.

 

Yours went to far as to you tell you to wait for him to leave...WHILE he was going thru great effort to make sure he and his wife continued their family. How long was he planning on having you wait? until the infant graduated from college?? Since his wife was not yet pregnant, wouldnt THEN have been a good time to leave??

 

So, think about those things. You were had. It happens. Dont beat yourself up...But DO see him in the light he stands in.

[whichwayisup]

Listen to what everyone is telling you.

 

I have been making secret plans to change jobs and begun looking at moving in case he decides he can no longer cope with our relationship. I couldn't stand working with him and seeing him if he no longer wants me.

He does want you, as the OW. That's it. If you choose to continue the A, you will be the one hurt and left out (meaning, holidays alone, you'll be a secret forever, not part of his life - Well, you will be, but on his terms, his time frame), you won't have him the way you want to have him.

 

He isn't going to leave his wife. Ever.

 

Go look for another job. You have a work reputation too.. I'm sure that people at work figure something is going on, the gossip that goes on around the office. They aren't stupid.

 

I hope you get the strength to tell him goodbye and end the A.

[candoit]

the more you stay with him the harder it is gona get for you to get out , and the more relaxed he is gona be about staying with two women , why must he let that go if he dosent have to , its called having your cake and eating it too , if you choose this road it is going to be very painful and lonely road and he will contiunue to tell you lies just so he can have his cake and eat it too... belive me i was in the same boat as you just about two months ago , it was difficult cutting contact but I am painfree now after wasting 9months of my life , my mm even begged me to have a baby for him beacuse he thought that would make me his OW for life , get out whilst u can they is always other men out there

[llamafarmer]

Thank you for all the replies. It means so much to me you know as I have no-one to talk to here. I moved here in August and don't live near my friends. I've only told a few friends, but they are not here and they can't begin to understand and therefore offer no real support. You have all been honest in your opinions. Thank you so much. It is also great that none of you have been vicious...I regretted posting on here as soon as I did it as I suspected angry comments...but you've all been very kind. xxxxxx

 

I saw him yesterday. I have been told to be patient and that he still believes I was made for him. He says he is grieving and that I need to understand this. He says he always wants me near him and has asked me never to leave him. He says he misses me when we are apart. At the same time he is very cold....doesn't want to be intimate..not just making love, but even kissing is gone....he says it is just the guilt and grieving but I don't know. I don't know anything any more.

 

I'm off work at the moment (Easter Holidays) and I've stayed around here....we'd planned to do lots together, days out and so on and then the miscarriage happened. These plans have gone now and instead we meet about every other day to talk and spend a few hours together. I feel that my world has fallen apart.

 

I will now respond to comments....it is true that people at work did suspect something. I had no idea until about 3 weeks ago. He told me his line manager had asked if there was something going on back in December. He denied it and his line manager believed him. He only recently told me this. I was really surprised as I make sure I keep quite a lot of distance at work. Also, with his wife being pregnant I think any kind og gossip died down.

 

The miscarriage happened during these holidays and when we go back everyone at work will then know. I'm frightened people may think I caused it to happen. I already don't like working there and the thought of that just makes it worse. To be honest the people at my work are the worst I've worked with in 7 years in teaching. They are very unfriendly and I've always been made to feel an outsider.

 

I wanted to reply sooner...but for some reason couldn't log on after about 7pm. I'll now reply to your comments/advice individually. I really do appreciate everything you have all said.

[llamafarmer]

Here goes:

 

In_Repair: the answer I have is a poor one....because I love him. That is why I go on. I realise you can't think much of me for that...but it is the reason I'm doing this.

 

Fallen Angel: My exact fear is that they will do IVF again. In the UK you only get limited chances unless you can afford more. I know that he has money put by and I think it is a real possibility. I'm sure it won't be planned at all yet...but I fear. I also fear they may in the mean time try and get her pregnant by the usual means.

 

Lizzie60: I want a new job. In my field it is hard as you have a long notice period to work. Whatever happens I'm looking at having to work with him until at least July 1st. This thought makes me distressed.

 

jthorne: thank you for your kind comments. In my head I just can't understand how he can continue to live with her and keep me as the OW. How can he do that? I just don't understand.

 

torranceshipman: he always claims the plan to have a baby was started before he met me and he therefore had to carry on. At 46 I think he wanted the baby soon and was equally keen.

 

ladydesigner: I don't know how to be strong...I have no support here. Work is pretty grim and I'm at least 3 hours away from friends....

 

skylarblue: I've said plenty to him about the pain I am in. He tells me to be patient...that he still wants me. I don't feel the ball is in my court because I love him and can't leave. I know you'll think I'm an idiot.

 

2sure: He always said he wanted a child. He said that he wants to be a dad and at 46 his chances are slipping away. I think he feels too guilty to leave his wife after all the IVF pain and misery.

 

whichwayisup: I'm not strong. This is the problem. How do you become strong? My other recent post explains the work situation. It is pretty bad too. I have no-one.

 

candoit: how did you cut ties?

 

Thank you all for the comments you have sent. It is so helpful to me. I think my questions now are- is there any chance this could ever work? if not, then how do I leave someone I love and break my own heart when we work together and my whole entire life is about him?

Edited April 7, 2010 by llamafarmer
poor typing due to emotional state

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you all for the comments you have sent. It is so helpful to me. I think my questions now are- is there any chance this could ever work? if not, then how do I leave someone I love and break my own heart when we work together and my whole entire life is about him?

 

I would suggest getting into counseling as soon as possible. This comment is a huge red flag. NO ONE should be your entire life.

 

You have to be a whole person with out him. When you are whole alone then you can be a partner to him. (or preferably someone else who is available to be your partner in return)

 

Your relationship should not be about two halves coming together to create one whole, but two wholes coming together to create a seperate whole, if that makes any sense.

 

You will never break free as long as you consider him the "be all, end all." You need to see him for what he truly is, a flawed, broken soul. he is not perfection walking. When you can accept that about him, and about yourself then you can start to heal.

 

I am not one who will try to push you to cut him out of your life and go "No Contact" with him. I think that is only healthy and helpful when it is something you decide to do to end the relationship and start the healing, but it fails when attempted before you are ready for it. But I will say that as a fellow human being, and someone who can sympathize and empathize with you, I think you deserve better than a man who seems to be stringing you along.

[whichwayisup]

You get help. Seek some counseling to help you cope with this. I think you're alot stronger than you realize! Once the fog wears off and you see him in a light where he isn't perfect, you see that he IS infact lying to you, let alone you realzing that YOU lose out by staying with him, that strength will come...

 

Also, put yourself in his wife's shoes. Imagine you ..Being his wife.. And him cheating on you, doing exactly what he's doing, all the while, trying to make a baby. Take some time to read in the infidelity section so you can see the pain heartache and betrayal, the fallout and how many innocent people get hurt, including kids, extended family too. Maybe if you saw this from a new angle, took a step back it'll help you realize by helping him cheat and betray his wife is just plain wrong. That he isn't yours, even though he's offering himself up to be yours, it's wrong of him to be doing this and just as wrong for you to be having the affair with him.

 

Are you prepared to face her if you two do get caught? Never say never, it happens, alot.

 

You are in a total affair fog in some sense. This guy is a selfish man and he is making empty promises, telling you what you want to hear to keep you as the OW..Give you "just" enough hope to hang on and not doubt him. Enough to make you want to believe him.

[whichwayisup]

You've had a 6 month affair with him, or close to that? Honestly, it won't take half as long as you think it may, to get over him.

 

Alot of what you feel, is the affairyland fantasy, the good stuff that an affair brings. Many become addicted to those feelings and to that person, it's NOT healthy to rely on someone to make you feel good and when they aren't there, you fall apart.

 

Think about making some calls, find a therapist.

[In_Repair]

llamafarmer - Okay, you love him... but don't you also love yourself? Why allow him to have his world just as he wants if it comes at your expense? Why do you owe him that? Look at the obvious lies he has told you so far. Do you really want a lifetime of dealing with that sort of thing? He once loved his wife also, and look what he is doing to her now. Do you really want to be in her shoes? You deserve better...

 

...and about that love you feel for him... do you really know this man well enough to actually love him, or do you just love the idea of him? The feeling that he is willing to risk it all to be with you... that "us against the world" mentality... the fact that your whole relationship is taboo and your own fun little secret... these are common feelings between APs and they cloud your senses. In your position, as far as how he really is in day to day life, you can only see what he chooses to let you see. You have a man before you who is only letting you into his life part way, and you probably only see him at his best. This is why affairs are fantasy, and why most affair based relationships fail once they see the light of day. It's hard to maintain that "they're so perfect" attitude once the affair is over and you are left trying to live real life with a lying cheat.

[llamafarmer]

Thank you once again for your replies. Once again today I've been left feeling really raw. Asked to see him....says he can't. We're both off work at the moment (holidays). He has all day. Claims he wants to see me tomorrow as he can't go another day without seeing me....yet this doesn't make me feel any better.

 

I live 10 minutes away by car. I live alone. He could come here any time.

 

Fallen Angel: I'm not actually able to do counseling as I wouldn't speak! I'd clam up. I can write/type though. Strange.

 

whichwayisup: I've done all this. I've read forums....even know people who have been cheated on. It doesn't stop me feeling what I do....this makes me selfish I know. I know you think I'll get over him...but I've had other relationships before and the feelings didn't come close. I've never met anyone who I felt as compatible with.

 

I agree it's not healthy....thing is I've had to work around when he can see me.

 

jthorne: He always said he wanted more children. He did say he wanted children with me. In the future he'd want that with me. he said that during the whole time of the IVF process. He said that when she was pregnant.

 

I think you have a point that I allow him to do this to me. He must've known I'd be sat here waiting all day to see him. He must've known I'd be wanting to be with him.

 

Everything feels very upside down to me. I believe he does love me...certainly from a lot of what he says/does it is clear he does...then a day like this happens. I have had to invest a lot emotionally and can't just pull away.

 

I know you all mention therapy/counseling....but thing is that would not work for me at all.

[llamafarmer]

Hi again In_Repair: He has talked about his wife quite a bit. I've asked a lot of questions. He told me that when they married he was not in love with her....cared about her. Love grew later. He says he does love her and care about her deeply...but says he is not in love with her any more.

 

The relationship is not a fun secret for me. It hurts every time he pulls away because we can't be seen holding hands etc in public. I want to be with him.....as a couple. That is what I want. It is not at all fun for me....I think a few people have suggested it is the nature of the relationship is fantasy.....it is very real what is happening to me.

[In_Repair]

No it's not. I've been there too. My MW never lied about her husband and we discussed him/them a lot actually. Plus I have met him on a few occasions, and already knew a lot about him through my wife. My MW was friends with my wife before we split up, and then I started seeing her, so we knew quite a bit about each other's lives beforehand. She was at my house almost every day, waiting for me to come home for lunch. We frequently spent the night together when he was out of town working or she lied to him about having to work. My family met her and knew we were having an affair, and her family met and knew all about me... but it was still just a big fantasy and I was fooling myself.

 

I also felt the same things that you feel now. All I really wanted was to be a real couple. I still love her, just not like I did before. The sex was fantastic and we got along together perfectly. She was very good to me and we have never had a fight, never had a D-day, never had any real problems at all... but I wanted more than she was apparently willing to give, and I hated living life as the OM. Though I NEVER wanted to be in her husband's shoes, at the time I just knew things would be different with me. Yeah, right. It was all just a bunch of bull**** and twisted thinking, to be honest. I deserved more, and so do you. Give him an ultimatum - one last chance to prove the love that he claims... if he passes, then walk away. You might feel pain now, but it's a whole lot less pain than you will feel later if this continues. Don't waste any more time.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not actually able to do counseling as I wouldn't speak! I'd clam up. I can write/type though. Strange.

 

So, you write and send it to your therpist weekly. When I did CBT (for anxiety disorder) I had a weekly journal I'd email her.

 

Never know until you try.

 

Anyway, this sounds like a situation where you may have to get hurt deeply more and go through more pain before you hit your enough is enough phase. Hit rock bottom and then decide NO more and end it completely.

 

Yes, it is selfish... And yes, you CAN get over him. It'll take time but it can be done! Just look at some of the OW who have ended their affairs and are happier now.

[llamafarmer]

It is nearly 1am UK time.

 

I can't sleep. I feel awful. Everything is just going round and round in my head.

 

I wish I could just flick an off switch and not feel anything. It is awful...I am not the kind to fall in love easily and I think there lies the problem. I've fallen in love and I can't just pull away.

 

Today was just awful. I live a ten minute drive away. What excuse can there be for not popping over to see me for an hour? I don't understand. It was clear from my texts I was missing him and he didn't come to me.