I'm so in love with a married man

[llamafarmer]

I'm off to try and sleep. It is 2am UK time. I don't actually sleep...I just lie there.

 

I'm really very miserable. I actually struggle to get out of bed in the morning....I'm not normally like that.

 

Thank you for the comments. I need to reply properly to each later this morning when my head isn't thumping. I like to reply to you all individually as it is kind that you reply to me at all to be honest. Thank you. It helps knowing I'm not alone.

Edited April 9, 2010 by llamafarmer
typing when tired is a disaster

[whichwayisup]

I believe you're ALOT stronger than you realize, you just won't give yourself that chance because of the hope/fantasy/dream of him - A 'life' with him where things are perfect and there's good feelings all of the time. Time to break that up.

 

Maybe tomorrow (or tonight if you can't sleep), get a pen and paper, write down ALL the negatives about him, how he makes you feel, the affair, all your hurts and disappointments. Focus on only the bad stuff. Again, ONLY THE BAD stuff. Then sit and really read it. Let it sink in. Then come and re-read your thread again with an open mind, blinders off. Let what everyone is saying sink in and try to see this from an outsiders view.

 

Try to get some sleep though, feel better too.

[Pink_orchid]

I knew this was a bad idea....

 

 

Is is wrong to fall in love and for the first time ever actually really feel in love and want to believe everything will work out? It is clear from the comments that I am a fool....but how do I stop being a fool? How do you stop caring? How do you stop loving someone so so much? No-one has ever come close before. It is not the idea of the nature of the relationship.....it is that we really really do click when we are together....we click in a way that I've never done with anyone.

 

 

I don't think anyone means to call you a fool but I know how you feel when everyone comes up with their replies and they say there's no hope, the man's got no intention of being with you etc, you do feel a fool, and you feel everyone's being harsh. I had a reaction like that to my first post, and I felt like a fool, but I see now that most comments are meant in a helpful way. When they say move on; they mean YOU ARE WORTH MORE, but of course 'move on' is not the advice you wanna hear, I know I was the same.

 

I know that some people for whatever reason are content being the other woman or man, sometimes for years, and that's up to them. But you and I are not looking for that, and we want more, we want to be with this person and not be a secondary relationship (LS friends, you may protest and say oh no I'm not secondary, my MM loves me etc, but you ARE second if you're in a relationship with someone married or committed, it's silly to suggest otherwise, and that applies to me too). So as much as it hurts, be proud of yourself for that, for not wanting to accept second best and for going for what you want instead of settling into being a long term other woman. You know in your heart that you don't want to be that and this has now 'come to a head' in a way you don't like, which hurts, but be proud of yourself for sticking to your guns and asking for and expecting more. That's my situation too, with my MM and I we have all the connection and the attraction and the common interests you could wish for, but mine went down the pan because of me asking where it was going, asking for more, and it's very painful but I'd rather that than just accepting crumbs from someone and living in limbo.

 

It's not easy to get over it, I am sure you can see that from all of our posts, there are many others struggling to try and pull themselves up from the disappointment and the sadness. If you can't contemplate total no contact at the present time (and you work together I know), how about just taking a break from it all. Tell him this is what you want to do, to think things over, and you don't want to see him (privately) or hear from him for, for example, a month. You never know it might help him get some clarity too, one way or the other. Maybe he would like the pressure off, maybe he will miss you, maybe you will find that you start to actually find you don't want to be involved in this mess, there are many possible outcomes, but a break will surely help you both (you particularly) as you need to get some sleep and get yourself together so you can think more clearly, take up some new interests maybe, I don't know if you can join a gym or some sort of club to meet new people, get your hair done different, go clothes shopping, do nice things for yourself, anything to take your mind off him!! And see how you feel in a few weeks?

[llamafarmer]

Today we have total change in attitude. He called me up...came over...we made love...everything was fine. He has been in a good mood and like how he used to be....very different from the distant and cold person yesterday. I asked him what changed today....he didn't have an answer...just said he wanted to be with me.

 

He is coming back later on...we're going for a drink. I'm so confused....yesterday he was distant and snappy...today he was close and loving.

[greengoddess]

awww you are a lucky girl. All is well again.

 

Enjoy your drink together.

[llamafarmer]

Trouble is all is not well.....I just don't know what to think any more. I feel really really confused.

[greengoddess]

Trouble is all is not well.....I just don't know what to think any more. I feel really really confused.

 

Of course all is not well. He is married. Until that is resolved you will be miserable and I think you know that. Why waste another minute oof your life on him? Is he really worth the wasted hours and heartbreak?

[norajane]

Today we have total change in attitude. He called me up...came over...we made love...everything was fine. He has been in a good mood and like how he used to be....very different from the distant and cold person yesterday. I asked him what changed today....he didn't have an answer...just said he wanted to be with me.

 

He is coming back later on...we're going for a drink. I'm so confused....yesterday he was distant and snappy...today he was close and loving.

 

Fantastic - he got his fix of ego validation and sex from you, and he's feeling great.

 

How are you feeling knowing he goes home to his wife every night after you put him in a good mood? Do you feel good about that?

[skywriter]

llamafarmer,

 

He had a change in attitude because he wanted to get together and make love.

 

There will come a time, maybe it wasn't this particular time, but there will be a time when you don't want to just have him come and go.

 

When that time arrives, so will the feelings of an empty shell of a woman. Women aren't great at seperating sex with emotions. I noticed you didn't say we had sex, you said, "made love".

 

There are so many situations in my A that I could share with you to prove my point. Unfortunantly, we learn from our own experiences.

 

You'll continue to make love to him, you'll form a bond because of it, he'll make you feel that he loves you. Eventually, his actions won't coincide with how he has made you feel. You'll feel betrayed and used.

 

Worst part is, you'll think, why didn't I see this coming, I'm not stupid.

When you try to discuss these feelings, he'll become defensive, as if to say, "well, you've should've known, this, & that. You knew I had a woman when I got with you".

 

Just typing this makes me sick to my stomach. I"ve already felt all this.

[Pink_orchid]

Today we have total change in attitude. He called me up...came over...we made love...everything was fine. He has been in a good mood and like how he used to be....very different from the distant and cold person yesterday. I asked him what changed today....he didn't have an answer...just said he wanted to be with me.

 

He is coming back later on...we're going for a drink. I'm so confused....yesterday he was distant and snappy...today he was close and loving.

 

Oh dear, what's the betting that he doesn't come back tonight but has another guilt attack and disappears...after all... he's just had sex with you... and his wife is getting over a miscarriage? He sounds as screwed up (confused) as you. I don't mean to be insulting to you (I am one of the ones who thinks the guy genuinely likes you and maybe you have a chance in the long term) but giving him sex on a plate without getting any answers off him, very silly!! You'd be best having a bit of a break from him until he's ready to talk (TALK properly about the future) but you're too busy jumping into bed with him - basically offering everything of yourself - even though you're feeling like total crap about him and the whole situation. If you won't help yourself we can't help you sadly!

[llamafarmer]

I did the brave thing and really did put my cards on the table.

 

I asked whether they would have another round of ivf and got told......it is her right to have children. I want a son/daughter too.

 

I asked whether he thought there was a future for us. He got shirty...saying I was intimidating him and trying to corner him. He said he does...but sometimes he is not sure....everything that has happened...he has doubts about us.

 

This has made me feel awful....doubts about us?

 

Either he wants a future with me or doesn't. He turned shirty and said why couldn't we just of kept the conversation light and enjoyed the moment...I said because I need to know whether there is a future for us...he said that I don't appreciate the now nor the sacrifices he makes to be with me. I said I need something to believe in. He then left. I now feel terrible.

[whichwayisup]

What part of being 'just' the OW do you not understand? He isn't looking or wanting to leave his wife. He wants an affair, wants someone on the side.

 

He doesn't want a future with you, he's TOLD you this, you just aren't listening to him. He wants an affair, a simple affair - For you to be there when HE wants attention/sex/admiration.

 

Time to look within yourself and ask WHY you are doing this? Why settle for table scraps?

 

Did you read my reply to you about making a list? All the bad/negative things about him?

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, she isn't ready to 'hear' what everyone is saying. Her blinders are on, he says one thing and she hears the complete opposite and gives herself hope.

 

A man who is still trying to get his wife pregnant is a man who isn't planning on leaving.

 

This guy is a real schmuck, I honestly don't see what you see in him. I mean, he's married, trying to be a father yet he's screwing around on his wife. W...T...F! He's selfish, arrogant and has no respect for you! He loves himself more than anything else.

[PhillySpecial]

I did the brave thing and really did put my cards on the table.

 

I asked whether they would have another round of ivf and got told......it is her right to have children. I want a son/daughter too.

 

I asked whether he thought there was a future for us. He got shirty...saying I was intimidating him and trying to corner him. He said he does...but sometimes he is not sure....everything that has happened...he has doubts about us.

 

This has made me feel awful....doubts about us?

 

Either he wants a future with me or doesn't. He turned shirty and said why couldn't we just of kept the conversation light and enjoyed the moment...I said because I need to know whether there is a future for us...he said that I don't appreciate the now nor the sacrifices he makes to be with me. I said I need something to believe in. He then left. I now feel terrible.

 

You feel terrible today, tomorrow when he comes over and you make love with him you'll feel much better again. You have totally given up control over your happiness and emotions to this man, and given him the complete power to either make or break your day. Don't you want to regain control of your own happiness?

 

When he tells you to focus on the here and now, its because that is all you have with him. There is no tomorrow, there is no future, there is only the brief encounters the two of you share together. That's all you will ever have with him.

 

The sad thing is that he's never even promised you that he would leave his wife for you. He's letting you know upfront that will never happen. You are the other woman, if you cannot/will not accept your position you will continue to be upset.

[norajane]

I did the brave thing and really did put my cards on the table.

 

I asked whether they would have another round of ivf and got told......it is her right to have children. I want a son/daughter too.

 

I asked whether he thought there was a future for us. He got shirty...saying I was intimidating him and trying to corner him. He said he does...but sometimes he is not sure....everything that has happened...he has doubts about us.

 

This has made me feel awful....doubts about us?

 

Either he wants a future with me or doesn't. He turned shirty and said why couldn't we just of kept the conversation light and enjoyed the moment...I said because I need to know whether there is a future for us...he said that I don't appreciate the now nor the sacrifices he makes to be with me. I said I need something to believe in. He then left. I now feel terrible.

 

That was his shirty way of saying NO, I am not leaving my wife, and NO, you and I do not have a future other than this, and YES, all I want is sex with you now, and SHUT UP! and stop being so difficult and wanting to talk about your needs because YOU ARE RUINING MY FUN!

 

He has been very clear with you. Now you need to be very clear with yourself and decide if being his little toy on the side with no expectations for anything else is sufficient for you.

[PhillySpecial]

That was his shirty way of saying NO, I am not leaving my wife, and NO, you and I do not have a future other than this, and YES, all I want is sex with you now, and SHUT UP! and stop being so difficult and wanting to talk about your needs because YOU ARE RUINING MY FUN!

 

He has been very clear with you. Now you need to be very clear with yourself and decide if being his little toy on the side with no expectations for anything else is sufficient for you.

 

Amen.

 

You know situations like these make me so happy I have my vibrator, cat and cable television. Much more entertaining and reliable & none of the headaches.

[llamafarmer]

It is 2:32am UK time.

 

I've been out drinking (sorry if that sounds terrible. Not with him....he left at 7pm...I met up with a mate). Just got in. I'm still totally numb...a few weeks ago he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me....all along he's said I'm his soulmate....he more than loves me...

 

Then tonight....after everything that went on....I asked whether he wanted a future with me....the response was stroppyness and being told I was cornering him and intimidating him...

 

It is clear I'm not his future....despite past promises...he himself admitted he'd said it all in December....but things have changed....I don't see how really. I have been tld things have happened that have made him doubt us....well they didn't make him doubt me today when he came to sleep with me.

 

I'm distraught....imagine giving someone everything you have to be told they have doubts about you! Being there for them.....I just don't understand any more.

[BB07]

I'm a little late chiming in but your last post got to me.

 

Of course there isn't any way I can get inside your MM's head, nor can you for that matter, but this is my opinion (which is worth about 2 cents.}

 

I think he does care about you very much but he was living in a fantasy world and now that you are putting the screws to him, a little reality is grabbing him in the arse and he doesn't like it, so he is backing off, but yet he of course still wants all the benefits but doesn't want the conflicts, (goes along with his little fantasy you know.}

I think he is conflicted and confused and not sure of who or what he wants and as long as he feels like that, he isn't going to make a move either way. What does all this mean for you......well if you stay in this relationship, it's going to bring you down even further and he isn't going to get any clarity by you hanging on and also you will eventually feel that you are losing your dignity and your self respect, because he is going to keep telling you one thing but his actions aren't going to convey the same thing. The best thing you can do.....is end it. It will hurt less now than later and........if he truly does really want you in his life, he WILL get some clarity and come to find you.

[whichwayisup]

He changed his mind. He has that right. Affairs end, just like relationships end. Again, he has that right to want to end it.

 

Things have changed, you are pushy towards him and it's not just a fun fling anymore. You're putting demands on him, have higher expectations, and that's why he's changed his mind and backed off. You may not like it, but it's the reality.

[bentnotbroken]

Today we have total change in attitude. He called me up...came over...we made love...everything was fine. He has been in a good mood and like how he used to be....very different from the distant and cold person yesterday. I asked him what changed today....he didn't have an answer...just said he wanted to be with me.

 

He is coming back later on...we're going for a drink. I'm so confused....yesterday he was distant and snappy...today he was close and loving.

 

 

Nope you had sex. You are in love he is in heat.

[llamafarmer]

Just when you think things can't get much worse.

 

Got a text message....he is at the hospital again. His wife is bleeding. She having tests.

 

I've texted and of course offered my support. He texted me back. His texts were asking me about last night....I'd opened a bottle of wine for us but we never had it. He for some reason asked me what I'd done with it...I told him I'd tipped it down the sink. He said that I was lying and I'd drunk it or drunk it with my mate. I told him I didn't.....I don't know why on earth this rattles him.

 

I'm in my flat waiting to see what the hospital say. It is just awful.

[llamafarmer]

It is interesting what you all say about the making love/sex thing.

 

I did ask yesterday when we went for a drink why the sudden change.....remember I'd said he'd been cold and distant.

 

He just said he didn't know and did we have to analyse everything.

 

.................By the way thank you so much to you all for your advice. It is clear that I can't go on like this. I do feel very trapped by my emotions...by my feelings for him.

Edited April 10, 2010 by llamafarmer

[skywriter]

llama,

 

It is interesting what has been said about love/sex. It's also very elementary, in that, we as adults can easily understand how love is defined by our actions.

 

His actions are as follows; he's with his W , showing her what he as her H needs right now. However on the same note, he's being deceptive, and contradicting himself by betraying her trust. It's all so confusing isn't it.

Oh he can spin it round, because he's crafty with words and his thoughts are as speedy as the Mercury.

 

I'm curious as to how you think he'd display his love for you if he were outed by his A, with you.

 

Just keep in mind , and you likely have, that this entire situation will change you in many ways, not necessarily for the better. Emotionally and physically.It could possibly affect any future relationships, you try to have.

 

I think about this myself, and, have read how OW have gone NC. They go out, and all they think about is the MM. I'm going through this right now, myself, trying to give a more deserving person an opportunity to be in my life.

 

Bottomline here llama, is I've asked myself. If I could create the perfect scenario with the MM that I gave too much of myself to. Would the very best he could give me be enough for me? Meaning a divorce and a future together, after all that has occured in the past , well, nearly four yrs now.

 

Sadly no, with all the water under the bridge, no way. Would I go through all this again, "hell no!"

 

...and also, I should add, that I'm not trying to bash your MM friend, nor mine, because I feel we play our parts and aren't victims in this. In fact, this may be the only positive that I can think of , the learning experience.

 

Llama, I wish you the very best dear and a big hug to you.

[eraser]

Unless his dick can dance, he's not as special as you think.

 

I need to use this line the next time some guy gets stupid on me. "Unless your dick can dance...never mind, I don't care if it can electric slide. Just get the eff out."

[llamafarmer]

I am going mad here. He is still at the hospital. Awful texts saying he wants to quit work...he is depressed and I sould've realised this.

 

"I don't care any more" was the last one. Now nothing. I'm going through hell here.