I'm so in love with a married man

[califnan]

I am going mad here. He is still at the hospital. Awful texts saying he wants to quit work...he is depressed and I sould've realised this.

 

"I don't care any more" was the last one. Now nothing. I'm going through hell here.

 

-----------------------

 

He has a Wife .. and already had a mother ... Don't get drawn in Llama .. It will just deplete you ..

[bittersweet memories]

Just when you think things can't get much worse.

 

Got a text message....he is at the hospital again. His wife is bleeding. She having tests.

 

I've texted and of course offered my support. He texted me back. His texts were asking me about last night....I'd opened a bottle of wine for us but we never had it. He for some reason asked me what I'd done with it...I told him I'd tipped it down the sink. He said that I was lying and I'd drunk it or drunk it with my mate. I told him I didn't.....I don't know why on earth this rattles him.

 

I'm in my flat waiting to see what the hospital say. It is just awful.

 

Why in the hell is he telling you this? this is none of your business.

[bittersweet memories]

I am going mad here. He is still at the hospital. Awful texts saying he wants to quit work...he is depressed and I sould've realised this.

 

"I don't care any more" was the last one. Now nothing. I'm going through hell here.

 

 

Good for him...I hope he comes to his senses.

[norajane]

I am going mad here. He is still at the hospital. Awful texts saying he wants to quit work...he is depressed and I sould've realised this.

 

"I don't care any more" was the last one. Now nothing. I'm going through hell here.

 

So, let's see:

 

His wife is in the hospital, presumably in pain and in danger of her health, and HE is worried about HIMSELF and how HE feels.

 

Nice guy you have there. So full of compassion for others. Not.

[llamafarmer]

I'm not asking to be attacked. Just advice.

[norajane]

I'm not asking to be attacked. Just advice.

 

No one is attacking you.

 

We are advising you to open your eyes and see this MM for what he truly is, not what you've imagined him to be in your fantasy of him.

 

And what he truly is becomes more and more clear with every action he takes. Because you seem to be having trouble with seeing this, we are pointing it out so it becomes clear to you, too.

 

You just don't want to hear it, because it doesn't match up with your vision of a man you've put on a pedestal. But I honestly don't see how you can see his actions as anything but self-serving and selfish. And pretty cruel - his wife is lying in the hospital and he's wearing his little fingers to the bone texting you about his worry about himself.

[bittersweet memories]

.

 

You have to start looking at MM in a different light. You think of him as the most awsomest bestest thing ever. Truly, he is not. He is a man who has been lying to and cheating on his wife while they've been trying to get pregnant and during their pregnancy and even now after the miscarriage. If you can't see from those actions that he is a selfish, cold man, than look at what he has done to you. He is content to f*ck around with you, while going home to his wife to make a baby and start a family. He has been looking out only for himself. Until you actually accept this fact, you will have a much harder time letting him go. Get him OFF that pedestal you have put him on. He is not curing cancer, feeding the poor and working toward world peace while caring for his ailing grandmother! He is a selfish pig who has been sneaking around behind his wife's back to screw another woman, and he's been screwing you over with words of love while he makes a baby with his wife. In short, he is a prick. Start seeing that about him!

 

You have to recognize that your relationship with this man has turned you into the kind of woman who is pining for a prick who cheats on his pregnant wife. Is that who you want to be? No? Choose not to be that woman. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is who you want to be.

 

If you cannot completely cut off contact because of work, then stop meeting him for private little chats. If the most recent chat was any example, he will soon seek you out less often because you are no longer feeding his ego but are making demands. In any case, stop calling him, stop meeting him, delete his emails, block him from calling your cell phone. Do not answer his calls, do not answer his voice mails. He should be contacting you only for work purposes, and you should do the same. You have to commit to this course of action.

 

Time and distance away from him without contact is what will ease your heartache. Every time you have contact with him, you have new things to think about and you go right back to square 1 with your healing. So stop seeing him.

 

wow..wow...wow.. I must say excellent post!!

[califnan]

Llama, Many on here have been through something like what you are going through..

 

If you put your heart in the fire, the result is always the same ..

[bittersweet memories]

Today we have total change in attitude. He called me up...came over...we made love...everything was fine. He has been in a good mood and like how he used to be....very different from the distant and cold person yesterday. I asked him what changed today....he didn't have an answer...just said he wanted to be with me.

 

He is coming back later on...we're going for a drink. I'm so confused....yesterday he was distant and snappy...today he was close and loving.

 

Trouble is all is not well.....I just don't know what to think any more. I feel really really confused.

 

These 2 post are 17 minutes apart..yikes!

[bittersweet memories]

I have been tld things have happened that have made him doubt us....well they didn't make him doubt me today when he came to sleep with me.

 

After everything you posted you ended up sleeping with him. Wow! Get some self-respect and maybe he will start respecting you.

[norajane]

Projecting their anger, bitterness, what they would have wanted the OW/MM or they themselves would/ should have done in their own realities. That said, no matter how full of humility you are in seeking advice and refraining from lashing out to those who take snipes at you -they will continue because they feel justified in doing so. To them you represent the one person who "destroyed" their perfect marriages (nope it is NEVER the MM )-yup, displacement.

 

And you are projecting that all the people telling her to see this man for who he is and to demand better for herself are betrayed spouses. You are incorrect.

[jennie-jennie]

And you are projecting that all the people telling her to see this man for who he is and to demand better for herself are betrayed spouses. You are incorrect.

 

Well, the reformed OW/OM are very easy to mistake for one.

 

Great post, Desertmoon!

[norajane]

Well, the reformed OW/OM are very easy to mistake for one.

 

And the cheaters? The ones who have been there, done that from the other side of the fence? Do you mistake them, too?

 

Or the ones who have never been in any of these positions?

 

Why not take the advice and comments at face value instead of trying to ascribe agendas and motives to people who are taking the time to care that this woman is choosing heartache and pain when she does have a choice and can choose not to continue to accept this kind of treatment from some guy who is only thinking of himself?

Edited April 10, 2010 by norajane

[califnan]

And the cheaters? The ones who have been there, done that from the other side of the fence? Do you mistake them, too?

 

Or the ones who have never been in any of these positions?

 

Why not take the advice and comments at face value instead of trying to ascribe agendas and motives to people who are taking the time to care that this woman is choosing heartache and pain when she does have a choice and can choose not to continue to accept this kind of treatment from some guy who is only thinking of himself?

 

-----------------------

 

And to add that many on here are trying to warn Llama, with the knowledge of what they have seen and been through .. To save her any further heartAche and years of her life: That is a true Help.

[llamafarmer]

THe good news is that they have left hospital and things are okay now.

 

I'm relieved. I know some of you may be surprised to hear...I don't like what has happened to his wife.

 

I'm sorry that my thread appears to have led to some conflict....you know...all the advice has been great. Some of you look at it from the point of view of being the OW...some of you look at the actions of the MM and some of you look at it from the point of view of the W.

 

The fact I'm getting different viewpoints helps me. The fact I'm not totally alone helps me.

 

Do you know on Monday I'll have to be back at work? He'll have to tell people about the miscarriage....a few people suspect we are seeing each other....I can imagine the whispers...if he does go through with his sudden idea to resign I can imagine the gossip....I'm terrified. I've got no friends there as a new employee and feel totally isolated.

 

This forum is helping me....

[PlanetJanet]

OMG your story sounds exactly like mine except for the IVF part. My MM had a 9 year old child.

 

We worked together. We flirted. It became intimate and felt so amazingly "right." He was guilty, he would come on strong then pull away. After almost a year of this he broke it off. Although that just meant we got together quarterly, not weekly. He told me he loved me, he was settling with his marriage, just give him some time, you never know how he will feel in six months, yadda yadda yadda.

 

Recently he told me that he would never leave his wife. But hey, if she dies, he is ALL MINE. He feels obligated to work on the marriage, although he isn't doing any. He doesn't want to be like all his friends who are divorcing, "dropping like flies." They have 15 years together. Of course he'd feel the same love for me if WE had 15 years together.

 

Through all of this, he continues to pursue a friendship with me, and talk to me. When I am hurting or have questions he answers them. Never shies away. He is so attentive and supportive. He listens to me cry. He writes me heartfelt messages. Makes it so darn hard to hate him or walk away.

 

My personal theory is that your MM, like mine, is spineless and cannot make up his mind. He doesn't want to let you go so he keeps asking you to be patient, telling you that you are "the one." But remember whose bed he crawls into at night, and it ain't yours. I think it's incredibly selfish for him to ask you to wait for him, when he is actively pursuing a life that fulfills him. With two women! What's in this for you? How much can he love either of you if he is so willing to cheat on her, and so willing to string you along? Much of this is about himself and wanting to get his own needs met. Never mind whose head he steps on to achieve that.

 

The other possibility to consider is that he has something good with the wife, good enough for him to stay there, and he has no intention of leaving. But you make him feel good, you treat him differently than she, and he wants a bit of you to season the main dish. How long have they been together? If you think about it, let's say he left his wife to be with you. That would mean - a divorce, financial repercussions, moving, and all sorts of guilt. Is he religious, would there be shame from his family? And, while you may stir up all sorts of emotions in him, may be an amazing person who touched him a way that his wife never did, you are still an unknown quantity. If he left her what guarantee is there (for him) that you are a good match? I think that a lot of MMs especially, do the relationship "math" when deciding to stay or go.

 

My MM and his wife have a very different lifestyle than mine. And I think he looked at that and realized that he prefers their lifestyle to mine. He didn't want to be the first person in his family to get a divorce. He has a ton of "Catholic guilt" he said. It would mess him up financially. And of course he has a child to raise. This tells me that he did the math and I was on the wrong side of the equation.

 

I don't know if you are looking for advice, but if you want it - here it is - move and get the new job. I worked with my MM for months after we broke it off and it was excruciating. I got no work done, I hated going to the office every day. In the end he was fired and now I can do my job without stress and pain.

 

Tell your MM that if he is ever single again, to look you up. And then get yourself a new life and a new love because he will not come. (most likely, although one can hope. I still hold out hope that my MM will see the light and want me, so who am *I* kidding).

 

If you are like me you feel like you have never loved anyone the way you love your MM. It may be true. Take solace in the fact that no matter what he does now, he cannot take away the love and memories and times you shared together. If you are like me it will take you a long time to get over this. Hopefully you can grow and move forward, and find yourself a single man who can give you what you deserve.

[desertmoon]

And you are projecting that all the people telling her to see this man for who he is and to demand better for herself are betrayed spouses. You are incorrect.

 

Well, no, if I did that, that would not be "projecting", that would be "assuming". I don't know, but I think there is a difference. At any rate, you seem to have taken my post(one that was reported by some coward who could not take the truth ). I wonder why. You might not have been a BS,fOW,or what not(I am not sure what your label is), but you sure are being defensive about this.

 

The OP is in pain and is struggling. I do not agree with the sarcasm (that's putting it lightly) that is thinly veiled as "tough love".

[llamafarmer]

The issue of whether or not he intends to have a child with his wife is still unclear.

 

He says that after this attempt it looks unlikely....but it is her right to have a child and he would not take this from her. He does not think they will be able to go through ivf again.

 

Last night he said that she was upset and asking him where he was all the time while she was pregnant....that he seemed different/distant. That he'd changed towards her. He feels very guilty.

 

The simple truth is that I do want him....very much...but I can't go on like this. Right now I feel at any time he could just walk away and the pain that would bring is terrible.

[skywriter]

So llamafarmer, knowing in your heart, that you can't go on like this.

 

What are you going to do?

[lolapalooza]

It's very obvious that you love this man very much. I'm so sorry that your feelings are not being reciprocated. You deserve to love a man that will love you back with his whole heart.

[Fallen Angel]

The issue of whether or not he intends to have a child with his wife is still unclear.

 

He says that after this attempt it looks unlikely....but it is her right to have a child and he would not take this from her. He does not think they will be able to go through ivf again.

 

Last night he said that she was upset and asking him where he was all the time while she was pregnant....that he seemed different/distant. That he'd changed towards her. He feels very guilty.

 

The simple truth is that I do want him....very much...but I can't go on like this. Right now I feel at any time he could just walk away and the pain that would bring is terrible.

 

So, let us take a look at his words...

 

"after this attempt, it is unlikely"

 

Well, it appears unlikely that she is able to concieve and carry a child to term. But he did not say that it is unlikely that they may continue to try at least through more, shall we say "conventional" methods. And don't pin your hopes on her being unable to concieve and carry now to mean that it will always be like that. I had several miscarriages after which I was told it was "unlikely" that I would be able to concieve and carry to term, by three different doctors.

 

Tumors on my ovaries, scar tissue in the uterus from a D and C (

D & C: Dilatation and curettage, a minor operation in which the cervix is expanded enough (dilatation) to permit the cervical canal and uterine lining to be scraped with a spoon-shaped instrument called a curette (curettage).) a "tipped uterus" (whatever the hell that means), an Anti-M titer and gestational diabetes all factored against me in ever being able to have children. I have given birth to four almost full-term babies and have three living children as a result. When a woman is determined to have a child, the odds are she will find a way.

 

"It is her right to have a child, and he will not take this from her"

 

Does he think he is the only man in the world who can possibly give this woman a child? Does he think that if he leaves her she will spend her life pining away from him, joining a nunery and staying celibate for the remainder of her days?

 

Perhaps HE is the reason she unable to concieve. Perhaps the stress of being with someone who is lying to her is hampering her ability to have a normal and happy pregnancy. perhaps if she were with someone who truly loved her like she deserves to be loved, she would be able to concieve naturally. Certainly feeling loved and cherished leads to better physical and mental health. Perhaps he is holding her back from getting her hearts desire!!

 

"he does not believe they will be able to go through ivf again."

 

I see he did not say that he does not WANT to go through IVF again, simply that he does not believe they will BE ABLE to. Do you not see the difference??

 

One speaks to the desire, and one to the ability. Two completely different things. You are reading it to be that he does not want to, that does not appear to be the case, simply that they can not afford to, or medically it is inadvisable.

 

Someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, you will start to see his words for what they are really saying to you, rather than seeing them the way you want to see them.

 

((hugs))

[llamafarmer]

Hi,

 

I thought I'd update on everything that has been happening.

 

This week back at work has been dreadful. Everyone knows about the miscarriage and people have been kind to him....worryingly a few people have asked if I'm okay....a clear indication to me that a few people suspect.

 

Here is the latest thoughts....I'd appreciate any good advice...as ever. Thank you so much for sticking with me......

 

I have a house elsewhere (about 3 hours from where I currently live). I own it with my ex-husband. We couldn't sell it after we split due to the global credit crisis etc and therefore decided to rent it to tenants when we moved/relocated up north.

 

The tenancy runs out on 23rd July and in theory I could move back in there. Trouble is this brings with it problems as it is still part owned by my ex-husband....but I could afford to live there if I get a lodger to help with bills. I've been looking for jobs in the area and there are 2 or 3 job possibilities. Their closing dates are this Wed and this Fri. If I am shortlisted I would be interviewed the following week.

 

Now you are probably wondering why I'm saying all of this....I'll get to that later.

 

I've signed up for exam marking too.....this will give me a nice cash sum and as I would be moving out of rented I'd get my deposit back. This would fund me if I give up work early and provide me with August income. As long as I had work lined up for September I'd be okay financially.

 

I've been to HR at work in confidence and found out I need to give 8 weeks notice. If I resign on May 1st I can be out for July 1st. I've been offered the chance to go to Africa for three weeks by an old Uni friend starting 4th July.

 

Now to the latest events....well...we went to the theatre last Monday...although this may sound strange I did want to go as it was the day he'd had to announce about the miscarriage at work and I did feel that I ought to support him...and we had a good time. We'd had the tickets booked ages and to be honest I didn't want to let him down.

 

We went for a drink last Friday and he was once again saying he more than loves me, can't imagine life without me, wants a future with me etc etc. I mentioned an old school friend of mine was in the area on Saturday and I wanted to see her.....it all then kicked off....he said what about seeing him? I said I wanted to do both....he then said he didn't know when he would be free....I said couldn't he see me in the morning or afternoon? He said...what if I'm free in the evening? I said I wasn't sure what my friend wanted to do. He kicked off at me. Got really very cross with me....accused me of having made other plans over him...I explained I hadn't....that I'd made no promises to my friend. This is true....I hadn't made fixed plans. He told me to f%ck off and I was lying to him, that I'd chosen to make other plans and lie about them and then drove off.

 

When I got home I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what to do. I felt really upset. I then got a text off her saying she couldn't meet me. This also coincided with a text from him telling me he was unwell and unable to meet (I know what you must think....but in all honesty he was very ill Thurs and Fri). He was then texting and saying how I should meet my friend as he was too ill to do anything....how he'd be upset if I didn't. I then told him she couldn't meet.

 

Now you are probably thinking what has this got to do with anything? Well....I saw him today (Sunday) and it was all lovely again. He told me that he loves me, needs me, can't imagine life without me, I complete him etc. I just got a text saying we need each other always I can't cope with the ups and downs of it all. I also can't cope with him telling me he feels ill and depressed about everything to do with the baby. I then offer to go/leave....then he tells me he loves me, needs me, not to give up on him.

 

I just can't cope any more. I've finally opened up to a few people where I used to live. They are shocked, but actually understanding. I've been offered help with my move if I choose to do it. My ex-husband does not know the situation...just that I'm unhappy living around here and he is fine with me having the house (less of a chance than with tenants) and is happy for me to take on the house.

 

The gamble to me though is huge. I am in effect risking my future. The crunch will come soon enough. I'll have to ask him before May 1st what he wants for us. It will kill me....but I'll have to do it. I haven't built up the courage yet. All I've been able to do is lay the foundations.....look for jobs, sort out the house, think about a trip abroad etc. All this I would give up if he made me a definate commitment. I am hoping if he sees I have real plans to go I'll get a clear response. I think he'll kick off and see it is a betrayal....that I've given up on him. I think he'll see it as blackmail.

 

Thing is....I did think about all of this....but he is talking about giving up work to do an MA. That would be a year of sudy....to do this his wife would carry on working and he'd be a full-time student. It is hardly committing to me in taking that on. He said he is getting older and if he doesn't do it this year then it'll be too late. This upsets me....although I haven't tried to influence his decision as I believe if he wants to do an MA then he should....if he'd rather live as he is now so he can do an MA then he has to choose that. I haven't said how I feel though. I think if he can't see it as a problem then there is a major issue there. I shouldn't need to point out what that would mean.

 

The whole situation kills me. I am very much in love with him. I want my life with him and my future with him. I can't live like this though. I honestly believe he does love me too....I just don't know if he loves me enough. I think he'll say he can't leave his wife through guilt and that I'm just giving up on him. I don't know how I'm going to get through. I have no-one here to help me. All my friends are 2-3 hours away. What if I make the wrong call? What if moving back where I used to live is awful/a disaster?

 

Advice please would be great.....thank you all so much. The thought of leaving the man I love is unbearable to me.

 

I would love to use my real name...but for obvious reasons can't. So Llamafarmer it is sadly.

[bentnotbroken]

Giving up the man you love is unbearable huh? So the drama you can handle.

[llamafarmer]

This is the exact reason I'm torn. I don't know what the right decision is. I could ruin my life either way potentially.

[norajane]

We went for a drink last Friday and he was once again saying he more than loves me, can't imagine life without me, wants a future with me etc etc. I mentioned an old school friend of mine was in the area on Saturday and I wanted to see her.....it all then kicked off....he said what about seeing him? I said I wanted to do both....he then said he didn't know when he would be free....I said couldn't he see me in the morning or afternoon? He said...what if I'm free in the evening? I said I wasn't sure what my friend wanted to do. He kicked off at me. Got really very cross with me....accused me of having made other plans over him...I explained I hadn't....that I'd made no promises to my friend. This is true....I hadn't made fixed plans. He told me to f%ck off and I was lying to him, that I'd chosen to make other plans and lie about them and then drove off.

 

If this doesn't disgust you, I guess nothing will.

 

Dude is making plans to get his MA and stay with his wife. What more do you really need to hear from him? Yes, he'll be pissed off that you are thinking of moving away. Because you won't be around for him to have sex with. You'll be making a decision for yourself and what's best for you. He'll hate that, because, in his mind, you are there for him and aren't allowed to make any decisions for your own benefit. Don't you see that?