I'm so in love with a married man

April 18, 2010

The MA thing is just an idea....I think from what he says he'd really just like a new job.

I am mad about Friday.....but being mad with someone doesn't stop you loving them. This is why I feel very mixed up.

April 18, 2010

I am mad about Friday.....but being mad with someone doesn't stop you loving them. This is why I feel very mixed up.

Being mad should make you wake up and start looking at how he treats you. Re-read over and over what you wrote about what he said to you. Do you not see how he views you and your role? He thinks you should have no life except to hang around waiting for him to be available, if he is. He thinks you should not be making any decisions that don't involve his wants. He gets mad at you if you use your mind for your own benefit.

Think about that. And start seeing him for the ass he really is.

Stop putting his wants before your needs. He's not making decisions about his life while taking you into account. He's making his own decisions based on the life he has with his wife.

Edited April 18, 2010 by norajane

April 18, 2010

Now to the latest events....well...we went to the theatre last Monday...although this may sound strange I did want to go as it was the day he'd had to announce about the miscarriage at work and I did feel that I ought to support him...and we had a good time. We'd had the tickets booked ages and to be honest I didn't want to let him down.

So only two days after his wife had a miscarriage which she must surely be upset about, he goes back to work and then goes out for the evening leaving her alone on her own all day?

What kind of man does that?

April 18, 2010

He told me that he loves me, needs me, can't imagine life without me, I complete him etc. I just got a text saying we need each other always I can't cope with the ups and downs of it all. I also can't cope with him telling me he feels ill and depressed about everything to do with the baby. I then offer to go/leave....then he tells me he loves me, needs me, not to give up on him.

All of this is about him, so he gets what he wants out of you. Nothing takes your future into account - how you might not be happy being merely his OW there to make him feel better. Nothing takes into account that you might want to have a life that does not include sneaking around and hiding and waiting around for him to have time for you. Nothing takes into account how you might hate that he goes home to his wife every single night.

Nothing he has said comes even close to, "I've left my wife and we are getting a divorce".

It's not in his best interests to come out and say to you, "No, I have no plans to leave my wife. We are going to try again for a baby. But I want you around because it makes me feel good to have another woman there to meet my needs."

So, short of that, what do you need him to say to you to make you accept that your life and dreams will always be on hold as long as you stay with him? Short of that, what would make you leave him?

April 18, 2010

For the life of me I will never understand putting "love" above common decency and self respect. I just don't get it. I hear it said over and over how "I can't control how I feel." If you can't control how you feel how do you decide not to act in destructive way when angered? How does one decide not to go off on a boss who has mistreated you? How does one not take off all there clothes and run naked through the streets when they feel as if they are going to melt from the heat? Is "love" the one emotion that most dismiss the use of common sense? When do most people realize when they are being used and abused and say NO MORE!?

April 18, 2010

This week back at work has been dreadful. Everyone knows about the miscarriage and people have been kind to him....worryingly a few people have asked if I'm okay....a clear indication to me that a few people suspect.

In my experience, office affairs almost always not as "secret" as the players may think.

We went for a drink last Friday and he was once again saying he more than loves me, can't imagine life without me, wants a future with me etc etc. I mentioned an old school friend of mine was in the area on Saturday and I wanted to see her.....it all then kicked off....he said what about seeing him? I said I wanted to do both....he then said he didn't know when he would be free....I said couldn't he see me in the morning or afternoon? He said...what if I'm free in the evening? I said I wasn't sure what my friend wanted to do. He kicked off at me. Got really very cross with me....accused me of having made other plans over him...I explained I hadn't....that I'd made no promises to my friend. This is true....I hadn't made fixed plans. He told me to f%ck off and I was lying to him, that I'd chosen to make other plans and lie about them and then drove off.

Well....I saw him today (Sunday) and it was all lovely again.

Parroting NJ...this is a HUGE red flag. This is not normal emotional behavior. He's extremely immature and childish from an emotional standpoint. And that's not good for you.

He told me that he loves me, needs me, can't imagine life without me, I complete him etc. I just got a text saying we need each other always I can't cope with the ups and downs of it all. I also can't cope with him telling me he feels ill and depressed about everything to do with the baby. I then offer to go/leave....then he tells me he loves me, needs me, not to give up on him.

How does this work again?

He says all the right things yet his ACTIONS bespeak the opposite. For instance, as a man, I would not be telling woman A I love her, can't live w/o her yadda yadda yadda whilst trying to impregnate another. I just can't wrap my head around it.

The gamble to me though is huge. I am in effect risking my future. The crunch will come soon enough. I'll have to ask him before May 1st what he wants for us.

Are you effin' kidding me? You're going to ask him what he wants for you (as a couple)?

Answer: sex with you and a life and family (since they are actively trying) with his W. How is this not obvious to you.

Yet...what he will say is this:

He told me that he loves me, needs me, can't imagine life without me, I complete him etc. I just got a text saying we need each other always ... I then offer to go/leave....then he tells me he loves me, needs me, not to give up on him.

And you'll eat it up again.

It will kill me....but I'll have to do it. I haven't built up the courage yet. All I've been able to do is lay the foundations.....look for jobs, sort out the house, think about a trip abroad etc. All this I would give up if he made me a definate commitment. I am hoping if he sees I have real plans to go I'll get a clear response. I think he'll kick off and see it is a betrayal....that I've given up on him. I think he'll see it as blackmail.

Do you know WHY that work?

YOU don't want it to so you'll lap up whatever BS he shovels your way and be grateful for it.

Everything in that quote is about HIM.

When you get to the point of "eff him for not choosing me"...it'll work. Right now, you're too busy trying to issue a "soft ultimatum".

Good luck with that.

Thing is....I did think about all of this....but he is talking about giving up work to do an MA. That would be a year of sudy....to do this his wife would carry on working and he'd be a full-time student. It is hardly committing to me in taking that on. He said he is getting older and if he doesn't do it this year then it'll be too late. This upsets me....although I haven't tried to influence his decision as I believe if he wants to do an MA then he should....if he'd rather live as he is now so he can do an MA then he has to choose that. I haven't said how I feel though. I think if he can't see it as a problem then there is a major issue there. I shouldn't need to point out what that would mean.

And what does this tell you? Because to me, it says he DEPENDS ON HIS W and not you to achieve his dreams.

The whole situation kills me. I am very much in love with him. I want my life with him and my future with him. I can't live like this though. I honestly believe he does love me too....I just don't know if he loves me enough. I think he'll say he can't leave his wife through guilt and that I'm just giving up on him. I don't know how I'm going to get through. I have no-one here to help me. All my friends are 2-3 hours away. What if I make the wrong call? What if moving back where I used to live is awful/a disaster?

I'll make this simple. He's not leaving, he has no intention of leaving and NEVER had ANY intention of leaving (because WHO is leaning on for his MA again). Does he love YOU? Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't matter because there is NO FUTURE here.

Do what's best for you understanding you are little more than a diversion to him. HE LOVES the ESCAPE. See the difference?

Advice please would be great.....thank you all so much. The thought of leaving the man I love is unbearable to me.

Run, don't walk.

This man has serious emotional issues. It is NO WAY NEAR NORMAL to behave like he did on Friday. He's an angry, insecure control freak. And a liar and a cheater. He isn't the pick of the litter.

I also know you will ignore everything here and make more excuses.

The only real question is how many more weeks/months/years you want to waste on him.

April 19, 2010

Llama listen to the wise people who have been writing here. I concur 100% with Norajane especially.

Look at how he is treating you - he is angry that you have friends, that you might want to do something other than be available to him. Was he available when he got out of your bed and went home to the W?

He talks about wanting you and needing you. But talk is so cheap. He doesn't make any plans with you. He does not ask your input about the future course of his life. That is because HIS WIFE is the one whose opinion matters.

I wish you could see the light - a man who is going to these lengths to have a baby with his W is not leaving her. Think about it from a man's point of view - and men if i am off base here I apologize. Is he going to create the huge emotional, time and financial obligation of a child, and then walk away from it? He would have to support the child, share custody with an angry ex-spouse and basically put a huge burden on his life for the next 18 years. Does that sound like something anyone would willingly sign up for?

The one thing I especially hear missing from this man's words is the word YOU. What do you want, Llama, what should our future look like, what do you think we should do about this or that? He doesn't give a hoot what you want or think or need..

Please don't fall for the pretty words. As it's been said before by other wise posters, look at his actions. He is emotionally immature and selfish. I bet he treats his wife that way too. That may be why things are not ideal with her, maybe that is why he had to look for something on the side. He doesn't want you to succeed or be happy. He doesn't care. All he cares about is getting validation and sex from you.

Quit the job. Take the trip. Move away. And for goodness' sake cut him off when you leave. Chances are he will to make you feel bad, like it's your fault that things did not work out. Or he might pull out new promises to try and keep you. Don't fall for it.

Remember also that you don't want a man who is willing to cheat on his wife while she is busy going through a difficult IVF and then a miscarriage. While she is recovering, he is in your bed. Do you want a man who would behave like that? Would you recommend this man to your best friend, or a daughter or sister?

Please Llama. Don't mistake his selfish flattery as love. Someone who loves you will treat you a lot better than this. They will not make you second to THEIR WIFE. They will not resent you having a life of your own. There is nothing healthy going on here.

If I lived in the UK I'd help you pack the moving truck.

April 19, 2010

He doesn't give you any kind of timeline to work with. Remember that if his wife is still going to try to have a baby, she can reasonably try to get pregnant for another TEN YEARS. My aunt just gave birth to twins at age 45 after ten years of trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant.

If he "owes" her a baby (after which it'll be fine for him to just leave his wife and newborn child, I suppose?) then it could be a long time coming. If you want children yourself, you could be waiting until your 39 or 40 before this guy is available for you. Is that what you want?

Don't let him string you along like he is stringing along his wife. And yes, he IS stringing her along, because he is still trying to have children with her, and she of course has the reasonable expectation that he'll hang around to help her raise those children. He, of course, doesn't have any intention of doing so. He has the intention--or so he's telling you--of knocking up his wife, then leaving her and his infants to be with you and have a new family with you.

Do you think that's what she wants? She's not getting any younger, either, and if she would like to have kids with a man who will stay with her, she has to get going on that. In fact, it is most likely too late, even if he leaves her now, for her to meet someone new and have children with them. He has deprived his wife of the right to have children with a man who loves her by stalling and whining and generally being an ass. If he'd left her like an honourable person, she could have had the chance to meet someone new. But he doesn't respect her timeline, only his.

It's the same with you. You're supposed to keep entire days open and free in case he might have a chance to see you. Your schedule doesn't matter, only his.

April 19, 2010

Wow, you're my soulmate but guess what? I'm planning a child with my W. You're clock is ticking but you should stay here with me although forget about ever having a child with me. I'll never give you a child because I'm too busy trying to get my W pregnant.

And now that I feel guilty because my baby died and it must be your fault because you made me sleep with you. I must now withdraw from having sexual pleasure with you and deny your pleasure in the process because our R is not mutual. You must suffer because my W and I are suffering. Everything in our R hinges on my R with my W.

I don't usually post like this, but your MM at the age of 46 seems very selfish and very immature for using big words like soulmate. He doesn't seem to know the meaning. Sorry.

April 19, 2010

You are listening to his words and ignoring his actions. To go even farther, you are listening to only some of his words!!

Out of one side of his mouth he tells you that you are his "soulmate", that you "need each other" . (The truth is he needs you, but you do not need him.) And out of the other side of his mouth he tells you that he is going to have a baby with his wife, spend at least the next year living off her hard earned wages while he goes back to school, and that you are not allowed to have friends outside of him.

A man who loves you wants you to be all you can be. A man who loves you would be sending YOU back to school. A man who loves you would be planning children with YOU. A man who loves you wants you to have lots of good friends. (Good, healthy friendships make a person both mentally and physically healthier.) A man who loves you is constantly striving to meet YOUR needs.

A man who loves you does not cuss at you. A man who loves you does not scream at you. A man who loves you does not run away from a disagreement and then have a "belly ache" so that he does not have to apologize for his bad bahaviour.

This man does NOT love you. This man loves himself, and loves what YOU can give HIM. This man wants two women that will meet his every whim. Fulfill his every desire. He has a wife at home to be "mommy", and you on the side to be his f*ck partner. But only when HE wants you, not when YOU want him.

He shows you his play for power everytime YOU want to meet. He is never available. But by God, YOU had better be available when HE wants to meet, or you are a selfish lying cow, right?

UNREAL!!! The fact that you see his actions and words as love sickens me. Someday you will find a man that really loves you, and you will see just how foolish your current ideas what love is really are. What he does is not love. What he says is not love. What he does and says is selfishness at it's finest. And the sooner you see it for what it is and get away from this energy vampire the better off you will be.

((((hugs to you))))

I am sorry that you are hurting. One day you will see that we are not trying to hurt you with our words, but only trying to save you from more hurt at the hands of a man who does not love you like you deserve to be loved.

April 19, 2010

I am stuck at work, but will reply later. This is sent via my mobile as the site is blocked at work. Thank you all so much for your advice.

April 19, 2010

I have had the grace from god to find my soulmate/true love. Its a nightmare story that I am currently living... (sorta crazy as she is so young and very torn between the love of her sister, who hate me although has never met me, and myself, but thats for another time)...

Fact is... it has taught me that soulmates and true love DOES exist. And until you find yours, it is so easy to "pish-posh" the concept. Problem is... you WILL meet them. I did not date for 10 years until one day, like an A-bomb, she walked into my life.

Problem is... people have no faith in such things, and as they say, "people make plans and God laughs". I am so sorry that he is already involved. But... he is already involved. And the prioroty is not her, the wife. The priority is the children. IF they have children... you must leave it alone, and join me in facing life without your "one".

I know... come to me and we can cry together... it would be nice to have a friend to cry with. I am sorry. I really do understand your pain. But as compared to any children who are innocent bystanders, putting our hearts before them is the most selfish act we can commit... and then do we deserve happiness?

The caution is... PEOPLE... WAIT TILL YOU FIND THEM!!! THEY REALLY ARE OUT THERE, AND THE COURSE OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE WILL LEAD YOU TO THEM!!!! AND WHEN YOU FIND THEM... NEVER LET GO.

Edited April 19, 2010 by Bolts

April 19, 2010

Married men never leave their wife. Just leave him alone, nothing good but heartache will come. Surely you can find a single man who will treat you the way you deserve.

April 19, 2010

Married men never leave their wife. Just leave him alone, nothing good but heartache will come. Surely you can find a single man who will treat you the way you deserve.

This isn't a true statement. Some do leave, others stay, still others are kicked out by the wife.

April 19, 2010

I have had the grace from god to find my soulmate/true love. Its a nightmare story that I am currently living... (sorta crazy as she is so young and very torn between the love of her sister, who hate me although has never met me, and myself, but thats for another time)...

Fact is... it has taught me that soulmates and true love DOES exist. And until you find yours, it is so easy to "pish-posh" the concept. Problem is... you WILL meet them. I did not date for 10 years until one day, like an A-bomb, she walked into my life.

Problem is... people have no faith in such things, and as they say, "people make plans and God laughs". I am so sorry that he is already involved. But... he is already involved. And the prioroty is not her, the wife. The priority is the children. IF they have children... you must leave it alone, and join me in facing life without your "one".

I know... come to me and we can cry together... it would be nice to have a friend to cry with. I am sorry. I really do understand your pain. But as compared to any children who are innocent bystanders, putting our hearts before them is the most selfish act we can commit... and then do we deserve happiness?

The caution is... PEOPLE... WAIT TILL YOU FIND THEM!!! THEY REALLY ARE OUT THERE, AND THE COURSE OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE WILL LEAD YOU TO THEM!!!! AND WHEN YOU FIND THEM... NEVER LET GO.

to what God does say about marriage fidelity and treating y

The two bolded statements are in direct contridiction to each other. God says to honor marriage, don't covet what isn't yours and to treat your wife as you would yourself.

April 19, 2010

You better watch out cause wife minght end up pregnant again,and i'm not buying that IVF I think he's doing it the old fashioned way.

April 19, 2010

You better watch out cause wife minght end up pregnant again,and i'm not buying that IVF I think he's doing it the old fashioned way.

While it's not impossible I did wonder, with all the other BS he is giving her, if this is true. This guy is the epitome of a narccissist. Or a cry baby, I'm not sure.

April 20, 2010

Dear Llamafarmer,

Along with the other kind inidviduals in this forum, my heart breaks for you. I understand your situation and I can sympathize with just how hard it is to let someone you care so much about and the hope of what could be, go.

I too found myself in the unenviable position of falling in love with a MM. We also worked together for more than 13 years. After 13 years of being wonderful friends, he told me that he has been in love with me for most of the past 13 years and couldn't hold it in any longer. I had loved him. The problem was that he was married.

For as long as we had worked together, he had come to work and shared heartbreaking stories of how difficult things were between them and the only thing holding them together was their child. (His father divorced his mother when he was young and he didn't want to do that to his child.)

So, I told him that I too had feelings for him, but could never be #2 in anyone's life. Despite my feelings for him, I am just not cut out that way. But, we began spending more time together, eventually taking walks after work and just talking about our feelings, then came the hand holding and kissing and well, I was so swept away with love and everything felt so natural and special and wonderful.

We eventually spent one night together and both of us decided that the guilt was too much to continue. Then, he wrote me the most beautiful note stating that one day he hopes we can be together the right way and that he wants me to know that he has always been in love with me and always will be and he went on to say how special I was to him and he told me he cried his eyes out writing the letter. It was heartbreaking.

After ending things, I had the greatest sense of loss I have ever felt. I was so sad that it took everything out of me to be "Normal" at work and then as soon as I hit the car and drove home, I would cry my eyes out--for months.

We've talked, we've cried, we are still are madly in love with each other, but no longer engaged in a physical relationship. We both try to be respectful of the boundaries needed, but it's always there. The pain is there, but it is no longer so close to the surface. I am stronger now, more able to think clearly and think about the toll this love affair took on me. Do I still hope that one day we will be together? Of course, but I have been filling my time with activities that I enjoy and are productive and I am not putting my life on hold waiting for it to happen.

Being the other woman turned me into something I am not. It instills us with insecure, irrational and jealous thoughts and behaviors that are not positive or productive and most importantly, not normal in a loving, positive, MUTUAL, relationship.

I didn't mean to make so much of my note to you about me, but I do have some advice to you--from someone who has been there with you.

1. Treat yourself and talk to yourself as you would your best friend or your sister. Ask yourself if you would encourage "her" to continue with the situation.

2. Take a step back and write down the pros and cons of continuing with the relationship as it currently sits.

3. Tell yourself that you deserve the best and shouldn't settle for anything less.

4. Remind yourself that in a happy and positive relationship, you will not be waiting in the wings. You will be able to express your love and do all the wonderful things that normal couples do, but not in pieces or hiding.

5. While it may seem he is the right one for you, he can't be--not right now--not married and not while trying to start a family; regardless of what he tells you.

6. Take babysteps. Set some goals for yourself in this situation. Goals that honor your love of yourself and encourage self-respect. Remember, you are teaching him how to treat you and you haven't set the bar too high, so he is just following your lead.

7. You cannot find Mr. Right if you are at home waiting for someone who is not emotionally or physically available to you. Don't you deserve better? I think you do, hon.

You will ultimately decide when enough is enough and you're ready to put yourself first. Be strong--honor yourself and the rest will follow.

Much love to you.

April 20, 2010