I'm so in love with a married man

[SavannahSmiles]

I believe a lot more affairs and/or toxic relationships would end if people would stop being afraid to trade temporary pain and lonliness for the possibility of a real and legitimate relationship in the future. Some just can't sacrifice what's comfortable for what's right.

[PhillySpecial]

llamafarmer,

 

Below is a poem written by Oprah Winfrey. I think you need to really read this poem carefully, read it over and over again if you need to. It has a lot of truth...

[PhillySpecial]

Poem By Oprah Winfrey:

 

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

 

 

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware.

[GypsyRayne]

Llamafarmer,

 

I have read this entire post, but haven't responded until now. I am like the others. I feel badly that you are in such a mess with such unhappiness.

 

I was once an OW, there are a lot of similarities in our stories. However, I saw my MM everyday, on holidays, we went on vacations together, etc. Those are the differences in our R with MM.

 

Here are the similarities: the cruel things that come out of their mouths. The way they get angry and blame us for not putting our lives on hold to accomodate them. Telling you one day, you are my soulmate, I want to be with you, but the next might be, I don't know, I want to stay with my wife. Changing every other day, giving you hope, but yanking it away in the next instant.

 

I am now married to that man. And please, please, please believe me when I tell you IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. The verbal and mental abuse gets worse. To a point where you constantly doubt yourself and wonder if you are crazy.

 

These are somethings that my husband has said to me:

 

I did not love you, I never loved you, only her. I felt guilty for you. (My exh tried to kill me) because I was seeing MM.

 

You are much prettier than exw but she has a much better body than you.

 

I regret being with you. I lost my kids and am stuck here with you and your no good kids.

 

I do not want you, I do not love you.

 

You have no ambition, you are perfectly happy living your life as it is.

 

You are not strong or independant, I want a stong woman, not you.

 

You are a whore, a nympho.

 

The other day he was talking about something and I said to him, you have no respect for women, he says why? Because I look at other women's asses or because I cheated on ex with a whore like you.

 

Theses are things I hear over and over. And to be perfectly honest with you, the things that your MM says and does sound like the things mine does.

 

Again I tell you, IT DOES NOT GET BETTER, ONLY WORSE.

[PhillySpecial]

The other day he was talking about something and I said to him, you have no respect for women, he says why? Because I look at other women's asses or because I cheated on ex with a whore like you.

 

 

...Then I picked up my frying pan and knocked him upside his head with it, as he fell to the floor bleeding he asked "Why did you do that?". I said the next time you call me out my name you'd better knock me out as well, because I'm going come after your sorry no good ass and put you out of your misery for good.

 

Well that's the way it would have ended had any man said half the things to me your H says to you. I'm very sad for you.

Edited April 20, 2010 by PhillySpecial

[quackquackhen]

oh gypsy...my heart breaks for you...i send you love and good thoughts...xxx

[BlueeyedJonesy]

((((((((((((Gypsy))))))))))) I don't mean to threadjack but your post is very hard to read. You really should consider getting away from your monster of a husband...do you have any kind of support or IC? I'm sorry for your pain!

[naturegirl]

Dear Llamafarmer-

You asked me how I pulled away from my MM. It sure wasn't/isn't easy. I guess one thing that I had going for me is the fact that he is such a beautiful and loving person. I have never once doubted his love for me and sometimes I think he had my best interests at heart more than I did.

 

But, after we decided that having an affair was taking its toll on us and the guilt and lying was casting an ugly shadow on an otherwise beautiful relationship, we really both were on the same page together. It was something we both wanted and agreed couldn't continue, despite our feelings for one another. We kissed a few times afterwards, but we both learned that this was too hard for me to handle. I couldn't handle that. Inside, I wanted more and intermittent kissing was just unfair to me and I would get sad and angry at the situation and so we talked about it some more and cried some more.

 

To this day it isn't easy. We had a chat about a month ago and it came after had been pretty quiet for a week or so and I asked him what was going on with him. He said that he didn't want to talk to me about it because I had previously told him that I don't want to discuss his relationship with his wife anymore because it made me angry and sad. (She treats him like **** and he takes it. It pisses me off and makes me feel angry that he would rather accept that than the love I was willing to offer.) I asked him if that what was causing him stress and he said, Yes. I told him that I was in a different place now than I was after we first ended things and I care about him and would listen. He told me that he doesn't know how he will make it until his child graduates from high school in 8 years, he is so unhappy and he feels like a coward because he feels powerless to do anything about it.

 

First, I told him he really needed to see a counselor to discuss his feelings. I could listen, but I am biased and he really needs a third party that can help him. Then I told him that he wasn't a coward. A coward could have easily left long ago, but he is honoring a committment to his child, despite how unhappy he is. He said that he was quite depressed and feels hopeless. I gave him a hug and he held me so tight and then when I pulled away, he looked at me like he was going to kiss me. But I gave him another hug and stepped away from him. I realized at that point how easy it is for him to come to me when things are bad at home. Even though he wasn't consciously doing that, I don't want to be someone he comes to when things are really miserable for him. He has to go to one of his buddies to talk about this because I am too biased and it stirs up a lot of emotions.

 

Then, the next day we had lunch together and he started to tell me again how he has had several opportunities to call me on the weekends when his wife went out of town and that each time he picked up the phone to call me, he told himself that it wouldn't be fair to me to call me at the last minute, but he thinks about me all the time and wants to be with me again. I told him, I think you are reacting to your home situation and that is not how I want to be wanted. I told him that I still was in love with him, but would rather wait and be together the right way than to start the lying and sneaking around again. He agreed but mentioned that it was really hard.

 

We work in the same department, so we see each other multiple times per day and at first, this was very painful, but it is also wonderful because I know that I can go and talk to him at anytime and we can discuss anything under the moon. If one of us is feeling weak and wanting to start up again, we can discuss it openly and that in and of itself helps immensely. Just knowing that we are in the same boat helps. It helps knowing that I am doing the right thing and letting him know that he can't just call me whenever he wants to be close or have sex and if he wants this, he knows he has to be single. But, he also knows that I still love and care about him and keeping our "friendship" intact has helped that.

 

I don't know that I really answered your question. All I can say is that it is hard. You are going to want to give in and be with him and you have to find that reason in your heart that keeps you from doing that. My reason was that I don't want to be the other woman, I want to be the only woman and if I give in and give it to him now, he has not motivation to change his marital situation or deal with that mess at home because his needs are being met by me.

 

I just have to say that this is the most amazing forum. Everyone has been so supportive of you and reading it all has really touched me and helped me at the same time.

 

Be strong, Llamafarmer and take care of you. Remember, you are teaching him how to treat you by what you accept from him. I loved the Oprah poem.

 

With much love,

Nature Girl

[PhillySpecial]

Dear Llamafarmer-

 

 

My reason was that I don't want to be the other woman, I want to be the only woman and if I give in and give it to him now, he has not motivation to change his marital situation or deal with that mess at home because his needs are being met by me.

 

Be strong, Llamafarmer and take care of you. Remember, you are teaching him how to treat you by what you accept from him. I loved the Oprah poem.

 

With much love,

Nature Girl

 

Nature Girl, I'm so proud of you. You decided to put yourself first, good for you... wonderful post!

[naturegirl]

Thanks, PhillyGirl--We just need to get Llamafarmer to realize how important her feelings are in all of this and to stop putting him first.

[ann09]

Take this from someone who lied her ass off to keep someone in her life (while being married) - we say whatever it takes and "withholding information" is our way of justifying our lies.

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Its the worst feeling and I hope you're pain subsides soon.

[White Flower]

Poem By Oprah Winfrey:

 

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

 

 

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware.

That was a very helpful and consider post PhillySpecial. Thank you, I can appreciate that.

[PhillySpecial]

That was a very helpful and consider post PhillySpecial. Thank you, I can appreciate that.

 

You're welcome White Flower, I live my life by that poem. I'm not perfect, but I think if more women lived by this poem they'd be much better off... especially on this forum... but really it can be applied to any woman.

[White Flower]

You're welcome White Flower, I live my life by that poem. I'm not perfect, but I think if more women lived by this poem they'd be much better off... especially on this forum... but really it can be applied to any woman.

It is definitely good advice for all women to follow.

[jennie-jennie]

Poem By Oprah Winfrey:

 

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

 

 

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware.

 

Seems the origins are uncertain. It might not be Oprah after all. Just an urban legend stating it is Oprah. Probably someone who put together one-liners and thought they would have more effect if people thought it was Oprah's statements.

[PhillySpecial]

Seems the origins are uncertain. It might not be Oprah after all. Just an urban legend stating it is Oprah. Probably someone who put together one-liners and thought they would have more effect if people thought it was Oprah's statements.

 

Ultimately I don't know if Oprah actually wrote it, but that's what people say. It was sent to me by a girlfriend, and I feel it's my duty to pass it on. I see someone has already posted it in another thread, so as long as women continue to pass it on and gain wisdom from it, thats all that matters.

[jennie-jennie]

A lot of it is okay, but this is not, and that is enough for me to never pass it on:

 

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

[White Flower]

A lot of it is okay, but this is not, and that is enough for me to never pass it on:

Ah! Thanks for pointing that out. I missed that one.

[PhillySpecial]

A lot of it is okay, but this is not, and that is enough for me to never pass it on:

 

First of all, I don't think anyone asked you to pass it on so no worries.

 

Secondly, I find that statement to be very true. You mean you've never been with a man and shared all your secrets in the beginning of the relationship when everything was rosy and lovely. Then later after things fell apart he betrays your trust and reveals your secrets? Well Honey, I know MANY women who this has happened to. I think it's very good advice, never let a man know all the skeletons in your closet.

[jennie-jennie]

First of all, I don't think anyone asked you to pass it on so no worries.

 

Secondly, I find that statement to be very true. You mean you've never been with a man and shared all your secrets in the beginning of the relationship when everything was rosy and lovely. Then later after things fell apart he betrays your trust and reveals your secrets? Well Honey, I know MANY women who this has happened to. I think it's very good advice, never let a man know all the skeletons in your closet.

 

We will have to agree to disagree. A relationship where you are not so intimate that the other knows everything about you is not worth having.

[PhillySpecial]

We will have to agree to disagree. A relationship where you are not so intimate that the other knows everything about you is not worth having.

 

If you think you know everything about your man you're diluting yourself, especially if he's a married man.

[jennie-jennie]

If you think you know everything about your man you're diluting yourself, especially if he's a married man.

 

OK, if we are going to be picky, of course it is not possible to know everything about anybody, not even about yourself. But there is a difference between open communication and holding back because you are expecting to be stabbed in the back later.

[PhillySpecial]

OK, if we are going to be picky, of course it is not possible to know everything about anybody, not even about yourself. But there is a difference between open communication and holding back because you are expecting to be stabbed in the back later.

 

Of course communicate openly but some things are best left to one's self. A woman's secrets are her own. Such as, for instance, the number of lovers she has had. It's not wise to tell a man everything about you, most women who have loved, lost and lived do understand the wisdom in that statement.

[jennie-jennie]

Of course communicate openly but some things are best left to one's self. A woman's secrets are her own. Such as, for instance, the number of lovers she has had. It's not wise to tell a man everything about you, most women who have loved, lost and lived do understand the wisdom in that statement.

 

As I said, we will have to agree to disagree. I am 51 and have loved, lost and lived and can not see any wisdom in that statement.

 

In fact I took a moment and counted all my lovers (it took a while) to tell my MM, who himself has only had three (including me and his wife).

[PhillySpecial]

In fact I took a moment and counted all my lovers (it took a while) to tell my MM, who himself has only had three (including me and his wife).

 

Does his wife know about your affair?