I'm so in love with a married man

[llamafarmer]

Today I decided I had to ask certain questions....I needed answers to.

 

I asked him whether he and his wife would try IVF again. He told me that if she wanted to then he wouldn't deny her....it is her right to have a child....but she is still poorly after the miscarriage. I said "Don't you think that would change things between us?" and he said he didn't think it would. He'd still want me.

 

I then asked whether he wanted a future with me. He said he noe had doubts due to how I've been with him lately. I then reminded him of all the things he's said to me in the past. He then said in the future.....ie not now he does want to be with me....but not in the near future. I asked if it was money and he said it wasn't money stopping him....he'd be pennyless if it meant being with me.

 

He then said I don't understand how difficult his situation is. I said that I do understand as I've lived through it. I said that I felt he didn't want me as much as I want him. I said I wanted to be with him and there was no question of this in my mind. He says he wants me so much and loves me....etc.....etc....but you can see I'm so upset.

 

Thing is....I had to know before this interview. He has no idea...I didn't want him to tell me one thing to put me off going to suddenly say another thing after I didn't go for it. As far as everyone at work is concerned I'm at my Dr's that day.

 

He has made it clear that as thing stand at the moment he doubts a future with me...claims my behaviour....the fact I'm so up and down...seem to "go on at him" and "find fault" all the time...and he wants the "old me" back and if it was the "old me" he'd want a future with me more than anything in the world. The worst thing is that he clearly hasn't ruled out a 3rd IVF attempt. He still swears that he doesn't sleep with his wife....and in all honesty I think this is true. It is more the fact that he didn't reassure me that there was a future....just said....one day but not in the near future.

 

It breaks my heart. How I'm able to function is beyond me....I've not finished with him....I've said I love him and I still want him...but I need to know he is serious about me. He says he is and that he does want to be with me. (I know this may seem crazy....but I have to survive Friday without too much heartache and letting him go before my interview is impossible for me.)

 

I can't live like this though. Every time he leaves it kills me and to know that he is not willing to leave at the moment makes me feel that his love is not as deep as mine. It is killing me and I feel ill. He says I've gone "cold" but I feel numb....totally numb. I can't understand how someone who says that they love me beyond love and that I am their soulmate can contemplate carrying on living like this.

 

Please please help me. I'm desperate. I love him so much and feel like I'm dying inside.

[Kandi0121]

I know exactly how you feel. I have been there and the pain is almost unbearable. You have to focus on yourself. I know you feel used but the best way to get to someone is to live your life.

 

Sometimes people that come into our lives are not meant to be permanent. You need to run from this man and find someone who can focus on you. You are special and deserve to be loved.

 

If he were going to be with you, he would be making plans. The longer you stay around him, the more hurt you are asking for.

 

It will take time, but there is someone without baggage out there for you.

 

I feel your pain.

[fooled once]

Today I decided I had to ask certain questions....I needed answers to.

 

I asked him whether he and his wife would try IVF again. He told me that if she wanted to then he wouldn't deny her....it is her right to have a child....but she is still poorly after the miscarriage. I said "Don't you think that would change things between us?" and he said he didn't think it would. He'd still want me.

 

I then asked whether he wanted a future with me. He said he now had doubts due to how I've been with him lately. I then reminded him of all the things he's said to me in the past. He then said in the future.....ie not now he does want to be with me....but not in the near future. I asked if it was money and he said it wasn't money stopping him....he'd be pennyless if it meant being with me.

He then said I don't understand how difficult his situation is. I said that I do understand as I've lived through it. I said that I felt he didn't want me as much as I want him. I said I wanted to be with him and there was no question of this in my mind. He says he wants me so much and loves me....etc.....etc....but you can see I'm so upset.

 

Thing is....I had to know before this interview. He has no idea...I didn't want him to tell me one thing to put me off going to suddenly say another thing after I didn't go for it. As far as everyone at work is concerned I'm at my Dr's that day.

 

He has made it clear that as thing stand at the moment he doubts a future with me...claims my behaviour....the fact I'm so up and down...seem to "go on at him" and "find fault" all the time...and he wants the "old me" back and if it was the "old me" he'd want a future with me more than anything in the world. The worst thing is that he clearly hasn't ruled out a 3rd IVF attempt. He still swears that he doesn't sleep with his wife....and in all honesty I think this is true. It is more the fact that he didn't reassure me that there was a future....just said....one day but not in the near future.

 

It breaks my heart. How I'm able to function is beyond me....I've not finished with him....I've said I love him and I still want him...but I need to know he is serious about me. He says he is and that he does want to be with me. (I know this may seem crazy....but I have to survive Friday without too much heartache and letting him go before my interview is impossible for me.)

 

I can't live like this though. Every time he leaves it kills me and to know that he is not willing to leave at the moment makes me feel that his love is not as deep as mine. It is killing me and I feel ill. He says I've gone "cold" but I feel numb....totally numb. I can't understand how someone who says that they love me beyond love and that I am their soulmate can contemplate carrying on living like this.

 

Please please help me. I'm desperate. I love him so much and feel like I'm dying inside.

 

Bold #1 - of course things won't change - you will still be his mistress and she will be his wife AND the mother of his child.

 

Bold #2 - this is almost laughable, and one day, you will hopefully look back on this and just shake your head. He wants you to be the docile, quiet, accommodating girl you were, he doesn't want you to question him, he doesn't want you to speak up regarding your feelings and he wants you to stop interrogating him. He doesn't like this 'new' you - this one who questions him and expects him to put his money where his mouth is.

 

Bold #3 - what a drama queen -- did he whine when he said "you don't understand..." ? Of course you don't understand because NO ONE but him has been through a divorce or who has had such a hard time BEING HONEST. You just don't get it Poor him.... Poor poor him...

 

Bold #4 - Please stop believing him. 2 people who don't sleep together, who supposedly aren't happy together WOULD NOT (IMHO) be trying to have a child together. This is just too much -- really it is. I mean, please step back and try to see this realistically. You know - - you have to know, deep down, that they are comforting each other, they are leaning on each other. They are cementing their tie to each other during this time.

 

Bold #5 - This is probably the saddest of the whole post. You still won't realize there is NO future with you two. There is no future, now or later. He doesn't have it in him to be with you. Heck, he couldn't even show up to see you -- in fact, his excuse was something I had heard many times before. I am willing to bet MANY OW have heard that before. He didn't show up because he didn't want to. He isn't with you because he doesn't want to be. Yet you are hanging onto everything - I bet even trying to figure out how you have to change for him to accept you, for him to want to be with you. You are racking your brain to try to make him love you and want you NOW.

 

Bold #6 & #7 - he isn't your soul mate, you do love him more than he loves you and he is proving it daily with his actions. He can and will continue this way because he can and because you let him. You keep saying, by your actions "its okay if you treat me like crap, I will continue to take it if it means maybe, maybe one day you will love me enough to want to be with me."

 

I feel sad for you because you have allowed this liar to manipulate you every which way. You are willing to accept the crumbs, all the while trying to believe in your head that you are getting the whole loaf of bread. You say you can't let go because of some interview. That is an excuse. You will have a new excuse next week, and another one the week after. You will keep having these excuses even after he and his wife have a baby. Then it will be you can't expect him to walk away from a newborn, a toddler, etc up until the child has graduated college.

 

The best thing for you is to dump his ass now. Tell him to come see you AFTER he has a divorce. Get the baggage out of your life NOW so that on Friday, you rock that interview and get the job. I can see you then declining an offer for a new job because you just can't bear the thought of not being with him at work, since he of course will still be with his wife.

 

I wish you the best.

[BB07]

What kind of man wants to have a baby with a wife who he doesn't want to be with? What kind of man would tell you that you aren't entitled to your feelings about being upset and feeling insecure about the situation he has put you in? Oh I know he didn't come out and say you aren't entitled to feel, but that is definitely what he is saying in a sneaky underhanded way.

 

I'm sorry llamafarmer but he IS an insensitive arrogant lying *******.......there isn't any other way to say it. He loves himself more than anyone else. This man is very bad news.......and the sooner you say bye, bye the sooner you can get on with your life.

[MizzBlue72]

LF - he wants the 'old you' back because you were OK with everything.

He is going to have a baby with his W.

Then - he won't leave because of the kid.

 

It does hut to move on - but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE move on.

How? friends, family, new location -anything!!!!

Start making a life for you - make yourself unavailable

[llamafarmer]

Bad news- I didn't get the job.

 

I'm distraught.

 

I had a visit from him today.....we were chatting....he claims that he doesn't sleep with his wife and it is his decision. He claims she'd like to sleep with him but it is him who is refusing. He claims it has been the case since October 2008. I did challenge him on this...but he claims there is more that bind a relationship than sex...I do agree....but I find it so hard to believe this.

 

I'm still looking for jobs.....but nothing yet. I'm so screwed up inside. He still claims that he has never wanted anyone the way he wants me. I'm going crazy.

[califnan]

Bad news- I didn't get the job.

 

I'm distraught.

 

I had a visit from him today.....we were chatting....he claims that he doesn't sleep with his wife and it is his decision. He claims she'd like to sleep with him but it is him who is refusing. He claims it has been the case since October 2008. I did challenge him on this...but he claims there is more that bind a relationship than sex...I do agree....but I find it so hard to believe this.

 

I'm still looking for jobs.....but nothing yet. I'm so screwed up inside. He still claims that he has never wanted anyone the way he wants me. I'm going crazy.

 

----------------------

 

Ilama,

 

I don't care what he says.. The relationship does not have your best interests in it .. If he is not making love to his wife (a willing participant) that is His problem.

 

Don't give up .. keep your feelers out for a break in the job atmosphere. Google through for other job opportunities and employment agencies - submit your resume online as often as possible.. Do a followup on the missed job opportunity.. with a flowery letter thanking them - in case the new recipient doesn't work out ..

[Trimmer]

He claims his wife was "in hysterics" about his wish to go out and that she was "very upset and unhappy" that he wished to go out.

I had a visit from him today.....we were chatting....he claims that he doesn't sleep with his wife and it is his decision. He claims she'd like to sleep with him but it is him who is refusing.

Boy, I think you need to consider that she is going that she's probably no fool, and is eventually going to put things together, and figure you guys out, just like your co-workers probably have. You think things are bad now? (And I believe they are...) Just add that extra drama to the situation.

 

If by any minor miracle he did leave his wife I'd be over the moon....but tody has left me numb. [\quote]

I'm not sure that this would really be better for you in the long run. If you were my sister or daughter, and knowing what you've shared about this man, I would think that would be a very unfortunate development for you, like a drug addict who finds a big stash - wouldn't that be great?

 

And I bet, if you were able to look at this with some objectivity, you would feel the same, if it were someone you cared about in your own situation.

[twinsmom]

Another interesting fact about IVF is that many, many doctors consider 43 years old, or very close to that, to be the "cutoff" for attempting IVF. Many will not even perform it after that age. I believe she said that his wife is already 46. Sheer speculation on my part, but I am very skeptical about the IVF claims.

[fooled once]

Depends on where you live regarding the IVF. I have a friend who did IVF at 48.

 

I believe the OP is going to stay in this unhealthy situation and will not see what is going on right in front of her. She is unhealthy obsessed with this guy and believes everything out of his mouth. She is running around in circles trying to please him.

 

He, on the other hand, is going on with life, yet sending these pathetic texts about how he has undying love for her

 

Well, he needs to put his money where his mouth is and turn his words into actions.

 

He is NOT leaving his wife. I am not sure how much clearer he can tell the OP this. yet she will wait, and be anxious and turn her life upside down to do whatever it is he wants.

 

This is so sad how so many women do this for these men who are totally enjoying having their cake and eating it too.

 

This is just a disgustingly sad situation for the OP.

[dreamingoftigers]

Since I can't PM you, I will recommend that you read the 12 steps for Codependency. You really ound like you need it.

 

Check out loveaddicts.org too. It was recommended to me, but I see it more for you in your situation.

[llamafarmer]

I am just distraught.

 

I just don't know how I can simply switch off all I feel.....I want to stop being in love with him.......I want the pain to end.....but every time I see him my heart leaps.

 

Can someone please tell me how you stop yourself loving someone?

[norajane]

I am just distraught.

 

I just don't know how I can simply switch off all I feel.....I want to stop being in love with him.......I want the pain to end.....but every time I see him my heart leaps.

 

Can someone please tell me how you stop yourself loving someone?

 

I tried to explain that to you back on page 4 of this thread.

You have to actually accept that you feel like crap and the reason you feel like crap is because of 1) your choices, and 2) the MM's choices. You have to own it and realize that you got yourself into this, so you can get yourself out of it. You are not powerless. Unless you cannot prevent yourself from leaping in front of speeding cars, then you have an active self-preservation instinct. You DO have control over your actions. Don't just wail and say you cannot get out of this - you have control over yourself. You are not a child, you are not handcuffed to him, you are not mentally incapacitated - you have control over yourself. You are just choosing NOT to do the hard thing. You have to choose to exercise that control over your actions.

 

You have to start looking at MM in a different light. You think of him as the most awsomest bestest thing ever. Truly, he is not. He is a man who has been lying to and cheating on his wife while they've been trying to get pregnant and during their pregnancy and even now after the miscarriage. If you can't see from those actions that he is a selfish, cold man, than look at what he has done to you. He is content to f*ck around with you, while going home to his wife to make a baby and start a family. He has been looking out only for himself. Until you actually accept this fact, you will have a much harder time letting him go. Get him OFF that pedestal you have put him on. He is not curing cancer, feeding the poor and working toward world peace while caring for his ailing grandmother! He is a selfish pig who has been sneaking around behind his wife's back to screw another woman, and he's been screwing you over with words of love while he makes a baby with his wife. In short, he is a prick. Start seeing that about him!

 

You have to recognize that your relationship with this man has turned you into the kind of woman who is pining for a prick who cheats on his pregnant wife. Is that who you want to be? No? Choose not to be that woman. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is who you want to be.

 

If you cannot completely cut off contact because of work, then stop meeting him for private little chats. If the most recent chat was any example, he will soon seek you out less often because you are no longer feeding his ego but are making demands. In any case, stop calling him, stop meeting him, delete his emails, block him from calling your cell phone. Do not answer his calls, do not answer his voice mails. He should be contacting you only for work purposes, and you should do the same. You have to commit to this course of action.

 

Time and distance away from him without contact is what will ease your heartache. Every time you have contact with him, you have new things to think about and you go right back to square 1 with your healing. So stop seeing him.

[llamafarmer]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry it has taken me so so long to post on here. So much has happened these past few weeks.

 

The first thing is I have resigned my job on Wednesday. I don't have a new job (yet) but hope to get another one.....failing that supply work. I couldn't do the job interviews I was offered as I've been so emotional lately.

 

The second thing is I tried to lay everything on the table this evening post-resignation. I told him there were several reasons but one was our relationship and how recently I've felt he is backing away....he denied this and then he said I knew what I was getting into when having an affair and that can not be used as a reason for me leaving. I pointed out that he has never called it an affair before. This made me feel dreadful....it has always been partners/soul mates etc.

 

I asked about whether there would be more IVF and got told it is possible. He said he wants children. I got upset and said "but not with me". He then said he wants children full stop but owes it to his wife to keep trying as these plans have been there for nearly ten years. (NB: we have always used condoms....not once has he ever suggested we try for a child).

 

He then said he loves me and only me but he has duties and responsibilities to his wife and family and that so many people depend on him that he can't let them down. He then said about his Mum (she is in a care home and ill) and how he has to stay strong for the family and that he is the glue that unites them all.

 

I said that every time I bring up the future he gets snappy. He said he lives day to day and is unable to think ahead and drifts along in life and has done these past ten years. I asked did he see a future with me and got told he doubts he could make me happy. I'm always so upset lately. If he spent time with me and I was more happy then he wouldn't have these doubts.

 

He thinks I make such an issue of everything that I'd never be happy and that I'd always have something to complain about. He said my resignation from work is a sign of this. (I worked 3 years in my first job and 3 in my second.....granted this one was only a year....but I don't just quit jobs normally....this is the first time ever without another one lined up).

 

I said I felt insulted that being as I am meant to be his soul mate that he ought to want a future with me and see it as an ideal. He should believe in me and not see me as a risk. He said the whole how did he know in a year with me that we wouldn't be as unhappy as we are now or that I wouldn't just leave him. He then said about the fact we haven't been seeing each other that long...6 months. I said I feel he is looking for excuses and that he will always find excuses.

 

I said he can't love me as much as I love him and are not committed to me. He called me a bi%ch and stormed out ranting about the sacrifices he has made for me. I went after him and got him to come back in. He says all I do is go on at him. We talked a little more....but he just said I'm so overemotional and that every little thing gets to me.

 

This is where things are at now. It is pretty terrible. I am very miserable. I do love him and want my life with him....but it is clear that he is willing to give me no future. I'm very ill. I feel myself falling apart.

 

He left and that was this evening.

[naturegirl]

Llaamafarmer- i am so glad to see you back. I have thought about you since I first started following your thread and wondered how you were doing.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. I can understand and have felt your pain. You did quite a courageous thing to give your resignation and even more so to stand up for yourself. He has told you so much bull**** and now it is time for you to begin the healing process. It won't be easy and you are going to feel a deep sense of loss, but time is a healer.

 

If you haven't, purchase a journal and begin by writing down on one side of the paper all the things that have happened and things he have said that have hurt you and why they hurt you. On the other side, write down the positive things you heard from him and did with him. My guess is the negative list will be longer than the positive. After you do that, go to that journal everytime you are feeling sad and read what is in there. I did this and it helped to remind me that the affair wasn't so rosy after all because it left me feeling so many negative thoughts and more importantly, so hurt. Love shouldn't hurt like this.

 

Hugs to you!

[bentnotbroken]

Planning IVF with his wife is not a sign of going along day to day. That has been planned as he said for 10 years and he continues those plans. And how naive of you to even suggest he has a child with you while trying to have one with his wife. I don't know about how emotional you are, but that thought is foolish and risky.

 

There is nothing special for you to running behind him and begging him to treat you like dirt under his feet. Get a grip, get some counseling and move on from this nut job. Figure out how to value yourself before you try to be with any mature man.

[fooled once]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry it has taken me so so long to post on here. So much has happened these past few weeks.

 

The first thing is I have resigned my job on Wednesday. I don't have a new job (yet) but hope to get another one.....failing that supply work. I couldn't do the job interviews I was offered as I've been so emotional lately.

 

The second thing is I tried to lay everything on the table this evening post-resignation. I told him there were several reasons but one was our relationship and how recently I've felt he is backing away....he denied this and then he said I knew what I was getting into when having an affair and that can not be used as a reason for me leaving. I pointed out that he has never called it an affair before. This made me feel dreadful....it has always been partners/soul mates etc.

 

I asked about whether there would be more IVF and got told it is possible. He said he wants children. I got upset and said "but not with me". He then said he wants children full stop but owes it to his wife to keep trying as these plans have been there for nearly ten years. (NB: we have always used condoms....not once has he ever suggested we try for a child).

 

He then said he loves me and only me but he has duties and responsibilities to his wife and family and that so many people depend on him that he can't let them down. He then said about his Mum (she is in a care home and ill) and how he has to stay strong for the family and that he is the glue that unites them all.

 

I said that every time I bring up the future he gets snappy. He said he lives day to day and is unable to think ahead and drifts along in life and has done these past ten years. I asked did he see a future with me and got told he doubts he could make me happy. I'm always so upset lately. If he spent time with me and I was more happy then he wouldn't have these doubts.

 

He thinks I make such an issue of everything that I'd never be happy and that I'd always have something to complain about. He said my resignation from work is a sign of this. (I worked 3 years in my first job and 3 in my second.....granted this one was only a year....but I don't just quit jobs normally....this is the first time ever without another one lined up).

 

I said I felt insulted that being as I am meant to be his soul mate that he ought to want a future with me and see it as an ideal. He should believe in me and not see me as a risk. He said the whole how did he know in a year with me that we wouldn't be as unhappy as we are now or that I wouldn't just leave him. He then said about the fact we haven't been seeing each other that long...6 months. I said I feel he is looking for excuses and that he will always find excuses.

 

I said he can't love me as much as I love him and are not committed to me. He called me a bi%ch and stormed out ranting about the sacrifices he has made for me. I went after him and got him to come back in. He says all I do is go on at him. We talked a little more....but he just said I'm so overemotional and that every little thing gets to me.

 

This is where things are at now. It is pretty terrible. I am very miserable. I do love him and want my life with him....but it is clear that he is willing to give me no future. I'm very ill. I feel myself falling apart.

 

He left and that was this evening.

 

I am not sure what anyone here can do for you -- you have made it clear you are going to hang onto him with all your might no matter how ****ty he treats you.

 

He calls you a bitch and you chase after him. You are being incredibly clingy and needy - which I sorta get because he has made it clear through his actions he isn't that into you -- and you are basically willing to do whatever you can to make him love you.

 

But he doesn't. He gives you lip service. He is having sex with his wife, he is staying with his wife, he wants a child with his wife. He has told you he doesn't see a future with you, he has told you that you are over emotional and he has basically told you that you aren't important to him.

 

But you won't let go. You call this love. I call it insecurity. You just want SOMEONE to love you, no matter how crappy they treat you. He knows he can use you and you won't do anything. He knows he can crap all over you and you will chase after him.

 

This is really incredibly sad.

 

You couldn't do job interviews because you are too emotional? Seriously? He is affecting you so bad that your livelihood is affected? Can't you see this isn't good for you? Can't you see he isn't the one? Can't you see he isn't your soul mate? Can't you see he has NO PLANS AT ALL to have a future with you.

 

Sure, he may have said that at one point - I mean, he needed to get you hooked and it worked. But he has no desire for that now and he has told you that in words and actions and you still can't see it!!!!

 

Please get some counseling.. PLEASE. Do this before he completely destroys you.

[llamafarmer]

Hi,

 

Well here is the latest.

 

This weekend we spent loads of time together. We spent Saturday together shopping and then we also spent Sunday together....watching cricket...but as usual after 5 hours he had to go. It really tore me apart after a lovely day out and I didn't want him to go. I got in my flat and sobbed.

 

I texted him to tell him how I felt and he just said: "I can't help going darling. It is a very difficult situation".

 

I couldn't sleep Sunday night.....just wanted him to be with me.

 

Monday morning I decided to text him and said- "you say it is a difficult situation- not really for you. it is clear to me what your choices are. to keep trying for children with ***** (you have never ever wanted that with me)and to go away this summer with *****. you do want to keep seeing me but there is no future plans with me. i could be like this for years, waiting for you to make a choice and i know deep down even if you do love me more you will choose to stay with *****, another round of ivf would kill me. i am unable to do much more. for me i want to have my life with you, my children with you, but you don't want that. my life of watching you from afar when we should be together breaks me. i love you but it is not enough to make you want your life with me. i am v v depressed".

 

HIS REPLY: "I'm sorry you feel depressed. you never bothered replying to my texts when i wished you goodnight now i know why. i don't know what i can do to make you feel happy."

 

ME: "i just want the truth. it is ***** you want these things with and not me".

 

HIS REPLY: "***** has the right to try for a child. if she wants to try again i will support that"

 

ME: "yes. you therefore plan to stay with ***** and have no intention of ever leaving her. i am just something on the sidelines of your life. you never wanted children or a future with me. you love her and not me".

 

HIS REPLY- "it is not that simple. did you ever expect me to drop everything and leave *****? on a practical level it cannot happen there are also financial issues and also the responsibilities to my mum and family. i would want to have a future with you but you are pressuring be and being unreasonable".

 

ME- "i never ever said now. i'm nearly 30. i can see me being second best for years while you raise a family, although i would give you that you want that with ***** and always will. you are in love with her whether or not you realise it. you have made your feelings for me perfectly clear. you will try for another baby with ***** and then raise the child with her. being a soul mate is not enough to make you want that with me. i give you everything and all the love in the world but i don't fit into your existing life and you want to keep that life. the life you could have is not enough. i want that but you don't want it as much. i know you do love *****. even if i am your soul mate it is her you want your life with. i was a tempting alternative but not enough".

 

HIS REPLY: "drop everything means right now and straightaway".

HIS REPLY: "i know you have to make profound choices over the coming months re moving and jobs. this may mean staying in the north west or leaving this area. u r asking me these questions as it is a factor in your decision making. i understand and respect that. i hope i have been clear. it is not a question of wanting you. it is the practicalities. i feel very raw and tired inside as do you."

 

ME- "i shall leave you in peace. i could never make you want me. i am in agony. i guess this is how a broken heart feels. my life is in ruins. i will not trouble you again as you have so much else in your life to deal with. many practicalities to consider. at least i know now you never had any real plans for a life with me."

 

This was Monday morning. I then sobbed for a good few hours and then rang my Doctors to book an appointment.

 

He didn't reply all day so I sent this at 10pm:

 

"i am sorry you didn't reply.i guess you are fed up of me. i just want my life with you and just wanted you to say you wanted children with me, not just *****. i needed to hear you seem like you wanted a future with me as much as i want it. i love you and just want a life with you. i wanted you to say you would make it so but not loads of years and years away. i need something to believe in to help me when i miss you. i love my soul mate always, whether you want me or not. i will leave you in peace now".

 

 

It is now Tuesday afternoon and he has not replied or turned up or emailed me. I went to my Doctor on Monday and have been put on Citalopram Tablets (anti-depressants). My Doctor has signed me off all this week and next week. I am very shaky, keep crying, sleeping, crying, etc. I can't eat. I'm a total wreck. I'm very saddened that he hasn't enquired after me.....not even to ask how I am as I'm off work. I am so sad this has happened.

 

I'm 30 on Friday and I look to the future now very saddened. I hope some o you will reply and give me your thoughts. I am so alone and feel really really awful. I love him so much, more than anyone before and I'm distraught.

[Fallen Angel]

LF,

 

I am sorry that your soul is so deeply troubled. The thing is, you keep asking him the same questions, he keeps giving you the same answer, and yet you ask it again hoping the answer will be different the next time around.

 

He has been honest with you. he does not intend to leave his wife. Now or ever.

 

You have to learn to live with that answer, even though it is not the one you want.

 

I would suggest you contact your doctor and ask him or her to suggest a counselor for you. You need more than we at LS can offer you.

 

Good luck to you. You are in my prayers.

[bentnotbroken]

You have your answer. You have always had your answer. You can't will something into being just because you want it to happen. He does not want to leave his wife and all you are doing is helping him treat her and yourself like crap. As you say you are almost 30, time to start acting like it. Get into counseling and stay on your meds.

[reboot]

Please, please, please go find you a real man.

 

He is not one.

 

He is a cold, manipulative user. Men do not treat a woman they love like this. A man that loves a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her. I so wish you could see that. I'm very sorry for your pain, but only you can stop that pain. There is someone out there that will love you like you deserve.

[llamafarmer]

Fallen Angel- you are right. I have been asking the same Q's....mainly because the answer I get is so vague....that he wants "a future" with me...but he never says when/how. The thing which hurts most is I've clearly recently really made it plain that I too want children and he has never said that he would love children with me.

 

I am being referred for support by the Doctor....but that will take a few weeks to happen.

 

jthorne: I'm not sure what you mean by embarassed.....could you explain? I'm sorry if I'm being thick. I think he is not responding because he has had enough of me. No reply since 8 am Monday. I think he is trying to distance himself from me totally. He is sick of me being always upset and feels there is nothing he can do to make me happy.

 

bentnotbroken: I haven't always had the answer. He has told me at times that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that he has never loved anyone as much, that he wants to wake up next to me every day. These things to me that he said were real. This is why I have been in such conflict. Every time I came close to giving up he'd tell me to believe in him/us.

 

reboot: I do feel very much in love with him and he told me I was his soul mate...that he more than loved me. The emotions I've felt with him I don't know if I could feel with anyone else. It is just awful. I really do feel so utterly wretched.

 

Thank you for your responses. I feel a little less alone in the world now. I do love him so much, but am resisting texting him today. I'm trying my best.

[reboot]

reboot: I do feel very much in love with him and he told me I was his soul mate...that he more than loved me.

 

He told you this, he told you that. But what has he done?

 

Always look at what a man does, not what he says.

 

Actions dear lady, actions, not words. Words can deceive you. His actions will tell you the truth.

[bentnotbroken]

Fallen Angel- you are right. I have been asking the same Q's....mainly because the answer I get is so vague....that he wants "a future" with me...but he never says when/how. The thing which hurts most is I've clearly recently really made it plain that I too want children and he has never said that he would love children with me.

 

I am being referred for support by the Doctor....but that will take a few weeks to happen.

 

jthorne: I'm not sure what you mean by embarassed.....could you explain? I'm sorry if I'm being thick. I think he is not responding because he has had enough of me. No reply since 8 am Monday. I think he is trying to distance himself from me totally. He is sick of me being always upset and feels there is nothing he can do to make me happy.

 

bentnotbroken: I haven't always had the answer. He has told me at times that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that he has never loved anyone as much, that he wants to wake up next to me every day. These things to me that he said were real. This is why I have been in such conflict. Every time I came close to giving up he'd tell me to believe in him/us.

 

reboot: I do feel very much in love with him and he told me I was his soul mate...that he more than loved me. The emotions I've felt with him I don't know if I could feel with anyone else. It is just awful. I really do feel so utterly wretched.

 

Thank you for your responses. I feel a little less alone in the world now. I do love him so much, but am resisting texting him today. I'm trying my best.

 

 

His words are real but at what point did his actions match the words that he spoke? At what point did he make any of those things happen? That was your answer...and you have always had it.

[Trimmer]

HIM: "i don't know what i can do to make you feel happy."

Translation: Actually, I know what I could do, because you've told me many times, but I'm not going to do it, therefore it's not going to happen.

 

HIM: "***** has the right to try for a child. if she wants to try again i will support that"

Translation: I'm too weak to say plainly that I am continuing to try to have a child with my wife, therefore, I'm making it sound like it's a situation that's out of my control, and I'm being noble and honorable by "supporting her right to have a child."

 

HIM: "it is not that simple. did you ever expect me to drop everything and leave *****? on a practical level it cannot happen there are also financial issues and also the responsibilities to my mum and family.

Actually, I believe his words and his actions are matching quite well! His words: "It's not going to happen." His actions: "It's not going to happen."

(But of course, the responsibility for misunderstanding is on you: "did you ever expect me to leave?")

 

HIM: " i would want to have a future with you but you are pressuring be and being unreasonable".

Listen carefully to his phrasing here: "I would want to, but you are being unreasonable..." As with the statement above ("did you ever expect me to leave?"), I actually think he is setting the stage for making this breakup sound like it is completely your "fault." This guy doesn't own responsibility for anything, does he?

 

HIM: i hope i have been clear. it is not a question of wanting you. it is the practicalities.

Translation: I hope I have been clear: it's not going to happen.

 

HIM: "i feel very raw and tired inside as do you."

I want to stop talking about this over and over again, because it's not going to change anything.

 

bentnotbroken: I haven't always had the answer. He has told me at times that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that he has never loved anyone as much, that he wants to wake up next to me every day. These things to me that he said were real.

 

Every time I came close to giving up he'd tell me to believe in him/us.

And then what does he give you to believe in? "...did you ever expect me to leave her?" or "...on a practical level, it cannot happen..." Everyone wants things they know they won't have - that's all he was expressing; don't read more into it than that. And everyone wants to believe in something grand, but if, on a practical level, it cannot happen, you eventually have to be honest with yourself, even if he cannot.

 

I feel a little less alone in the world now. I do love him so much, but am resisting texting him today. I'm trying my best.

You better believe you are not going to text him today! Let these be your last words to him:

YOU: "i will leave you in peace now".

Let those be your final words. Don't wait for a reply, don't expect a reply, don't accept a reply. Your life is about to change - block his phone number, and avoid all contact. Everything has been said; you know where he stands. Don't let him maniuplate you with his empty proclamations of desire and belief. You've seen that it doesn't matter what he wants, what he believes, what he tells you to believe. What it comes down to is this:

HIM: "on a practical level it cannot happen "

Full stop.

 

I'm 30 on Friday and I look to the future now very saddened. I hope some o you will reply and give me your thoughts. I am so alone and feel really really awful. I love him so much, more than anyone before and I'm distraught.

I really don't mean to be glib - I truly mean this from the heart, but I look to your future with hope! Yes, you are about to undergo a great loss, I acknowledge and empathize with that. You will pay a price through your grieving process; that's very real and important - necessary, even, for you to heal fully.

 

But from where I sit, I see that you have been heavily burdened by all of this, and the difficult process you are about to undergo promises an eventual release of that burden, and a rediscovery of yourself as an individual and your life as a wide-open opportunity. It's just the nature of this process that you can't yet appreciate all of this promise, but if you were my daughter or sister, while I would be hurting for you, I would also be quietly thankful at the potential and opportunity you have ahead of you.

 

I went through a process similar to yours (the departure of a cherished loved one around whom I had envisioned building my future...), but I went through it 10 years later in my life - just after age 40. Yes it was painful, but now, I appreciate with new eyes my life as an individual, the growth that this has allowed me, and the opportunities that I can take advantage of, if I choose, and if I have the strength and the desire. Your life is not over, by any means. I wish for you that you will throw yourself wholeheartedly into your recovery and toward the future - acknowledging your grief and loss as absolutely real, but doing so as a tool to move forward, toward healing, recovery, and an ability to start forming a vision of your life that you will fully engage in.

Edited May 25, 2010 by Trimmer