I'm so in love with a married man

[awkward]

He isn't ever going to be the man that you want him to be. Let him go. It's the best thing you could do for yourself.

 

Are you still considering moving into the house that you own with your ex? I think a fresh start would do wonders for you.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi,

 

Well here is the latest.

 

This weekend we spent loads of time together. We spent Saturday together shopping and then we also spent Sunday together....watching cricket...but as usual after 5 hours he had to go. It really tore me apart after a lovely day out and I didn't want him to go. I got in my flat and sobbed.

 

I texted him to tell him how I felt and he just said: "I can't help going darling. It is a very difficult situation".

 

I couldn't sleep Sunday night.....just wanted him to be with me.

 

Monday morning I decided to text him and said- "you say it is a difficult situation- not really for you. it is clear to me what your choices are. to keep trying for children with ***** (you have never ever wanted that with me)and to go away this summer with *****. you do want to keep seeing me but there is no future plans with me. i could be like this for years, waiting for you to make a choice and i know deep down even if you do love me more you will choose to stay with *****, another round of ivf would kill me. i am unable to do much more. for me i want to have my life with you, my children with you, but you don't want that. my life of watching you from afar when we should be together breaks me. i love you but it is not enough to make you want your life with me. i am v v depressed".

 

HIS REPLY: "I'm sorry you feel depressed. you never bothered replying to my texts when i wished you goodnight now i know why. i don't know what i can do to make you feel happy."

 

ME: "i just want the truth. it is ***** you want these things with and not me".

 

HIS REPLY: "***** has the right to try for a child. if she wants to try again i will support that"

 

ME: "yes. you therefore plan to stay with ***** and have no intention of ever leaving her. i am just something on the sidelines of your life. you never wanted children or a future with me. you love her and not me".

 

HIS REPLY- "it is not that simple. did you ever expect me to drop everything and leave *****? on a practical level it cannot happen there are also financial issues and also the responsibilities to my mum and family. i would want to have a future with you but you are pressuring be and being unreasonable".

 

ME- "i never ever said now. i'm nearly 30. i can see me being second best for years while you raise a family, although i would give you that you want that with ***** and always will. you are in love with her whether or not you realise it. you have made your feelings for me perfectly clear. you will try for another baby with ***** and then raise the child with her. being a soul mate is not enough to make you want that with me. i give you everything and all the love in the world but i don't fit into your existing life and you want to keep that life. the life you could have is not enough. i want that but you don't want it as much. i know you do love *****. even if i am your soul mate it is her you want your life with. i was a tempting alternative but not enough".

 

HIS REPLY: "drop everything means right now and straightaway".

HIS REPLY: "i know you have to make profound choices over the coming months re moving and jobs. this may mean staying in the north west or leaving this area. u r asking me these questions as it is a factor in your decision making. i understand and respect that. i hope i have been clear. it is not a question of wanting you. it is the practicalities. i feel very raw and tired inside as do you."

 

ME- "i shall leave you in peace. i could never make you want me. i am in agony. i guess this is how a broken heart feels. my life is in ruins. i will not trouble you again as you have so much else in your life to deal with. many practicalities to consider. at least i know now you never had any real plans for a life with me."

 

This was Monday morning. I then sobbed for a good few hours and then rang my Doctors to book an appointment.

 

He didn't reply all day so I sent this at 10pm:

 

"i am sorry you didn't reply.i guess you are fed up of me. i just want my life with you and just wanted you to say you wanted children with me, not just *****. i needed to hear you seem like you wanted a future with me as much as i want it. i love you and just want a life with you. i wanted you to say you would make it so but not loads of years and years away. i need something to believe in to help me when i miss you. i love my soul mate always, whether you want me or not. i will leave you in peace now".

 

 

It is now Tuesday afternoon and he has not replied or turned up or emailed me. I went to my Doctor on Monday and have been put on Citalopram Tablets (anti-depressants). My Doctor has signed me off all this week and next week. I am very shaky, keep crying, sleeping, crying, etc. I can't eat. I'm a total wreck. I'm very saddened that he hasn't enquired after me.....not even to ask how I am as I'm off work. I am so sad this has happened.

 

I'm 30 on Friday and I look to the future now very saddened. I hope some o you will reply and give me your thoughts. I am so alone and feel really really awful. I love him so much, more than anyone before and I'm distraught.

 

I am new to your story, but just read it and just wondering with this current update... so you gave your resignation to your current job without having another job and not your doctor signed you off of working your current job from which you have already resigned? If I've got it right then I must ask you, why are you letting this man affect your professional career to this degree????

 

I was like you, although for me I was trying to break it off with xMM because he was an outright selfish jerk, just like your MM (and for many other reasons), and he was treating me horribly and being selfish and I worked with him (actually for him) and I couldn't concentrate at work, i would shut my door and cry, I was miserable.

 

I didn't get anti-depressants, I got counseling. And you know what else I did? I am telling you this not to brag (believe me, it was the only good decision I made other than ending the A), but to show you there is hope, but you have to find it within yourself, it is time to take back your strength. And if it's true that you were never strong, well time to get strong or else you are going to lose your career! What I did was find another job and tough mine out in the meantime while I was applying and then after I had resigned but I had to still work there. Yeah I'm sure people were suspicious and people talked but I went in there like I was the managing director, I did a good job and by all appearances I tried to act like everything was fine, all the way counting down to when I could leave that job and xMM. Those were the two best decisions I made about the A and they helped me realize that only I am in charge of myself.

 

I am not sure why you resigned without having another job? It seems to me it was a tactic to force MM's hand and make him realize it was now or never. But that didn't work and now you have no job and no xMM. Whatever your reasons for resigning without a new job, that is the situation and how are you going to get good references and a new job if you are too mentally unstable to go to your current job and to job interviews for a new job?

 

Just take a minute and don't think about MM but instead think of yourself and your own job and your own future. What are you doing??? Why are you giving him so much power over you? Take back your strength. Read everyone's posts again and realize what everyone here has been telling you since the beginning. He is a liar, he treats you badly, he treats his wife badly, and he is not leaving her. What more do you want us to say? And putting MM aside I will give you some career advice. If you don't start moving in a better direction now you will have lost everything you worked for at work due to this obsession with MM. Will it be worth it? Please wake up!

[fooled once]

Hi,

 

Well here is the latest.

 

This weekend we spent loads of time together. We spent Saturday together shopping and then we also spent Sunday together....watching cricket...but as usual after 5 hours he had to go. It really tore me apart after a lovely day out and I didn't want him to go. I got in my flat and sobbed.

 

I texted him to tell him how I felt and he just said: "I can't help going darling. It is a very difficult situation".

 

I couldn't sleep Sunday night.....just wanted him to be with me.

 

Monday morning I decided to text him and said- "you say it is a difficult situation- not really for you. it is clear to me what your choices are. to keep trying for children with ***** (you have never ever wanted that with me)and to go away this summer with *****. you do want to keep seeing me but there is no future plans with me. i could be like this for years, waiting for you to make a choice and i know deep down even if you do love me more you will choose to stay with *****, another round of ivf would kill me. i am unable to do much more. for me i want to have my life with you, my children with you, but you don't want that. my life of watching you from afar when we should be together breaks me. i love you but it is not enough to make you want your life with me. i am v v depressed".

 

HIS REPLY: "I'm sorry you feel depressed. you never bothered replying to my texts when i wished you goodnight now i know why. i don't know what i can do to make you feel happy."

 

ME: "i just want the truth. it is ***** you want these things with and not me".

 

HIS REPLY: "***** has the right to try for a child. if she wants to try again i will support that"

 

ME: "yes. you therefore plan to stay with ***** and have no intention of ever leaving her. i am just something on the sidelines of your life. you never wanted children or a future with me. you love her and not me".

 

HIS REPLY- "it is not that simple. did you ever expect me to drop everything and leave *****? on a practical level it cannot happen there are also financial issues and also the responsibilities to my mum and family. i would want to have a future with you but you are pressuring be and being unreasonable".

 

ME- "i never ever said now. i'm nearly 30. i can see me being second best for years while you raise a family, although i would give you that you want that with ***** and always will. you are in love with her whether or not you realise it. you have made your feelings for me perfectly clear. you will try for another baby with ***** and then raise the child with her. being a soul mate is not enough to make you want that with me. i give you everything and all the love in the world but i don't fit into your existing life and you want to keep that life. the life you could have is not enough. i want that but you don't want it as much. i know you do love *****. even if i am your soul mate it is her you want your life with. i was a tempting alternative but not enough".

 

HIS REPLY: "drop everything means right now and straightaway".

HIS REPLY: "i know you have to make profound choices over the coming months re moving and jobs. this may mean staying in the north west or leaving this area. u r asking me these questions as it is a factor in your decision making. i understand and respect that. i hope i have been clear. it is not a question of wanting you. it is the practicalities. i feel very raw and tired inside as do you."

 

ME- "i shall leave you in peace. i could never make you want me. i am in agony. i guess this is how a broken heart feels. my life is in ruins. i will not trouble you again as you have so much else in your life to deal with. many practicalities to consider. at least i know now you never had any real plans for a life with me."

 

This was Monday morning. I then sobbed for a good few hours and then rang my Doctors to book an appointment.

 

He didn't reply all day so I sent this at 10pm:

 

"i am sorry you didn't reply.i guess you are fed up of me. i just want my life with you and just wanted you to say you wanted children with me, not just *****. i needed to hear you seem like you wanted a future with me as much as i want it. i love you and just want a life with you. i wanted you to say you would make it so but not loads of years and years away. i need something to believe in to help me when i miss you. i love my soul mate always, whether you want me or not. i will leave you in peace now".

 

 

It is now Tuesday afternoon and he has not replied or turned up or emailed me. I went to my Doctor on Monday and have been put on Citalopram Tablets (anti-depressants). My Doctor has signed me off all this week and next week. I am very shaky, keep crying, sleeping, crying, etc. I can't eat. I'm a total wreck. I'm very saddened that he hasn't enquired after me.....not even to ask how I am as I'm off work. I am so sad this has happened.

 

I'm 30 on Friday and I look to the future now very saddened. I hope some o you will reply and give me your thoughts. I am so alone and feel really really awful. I love him so much, more than anyone before and I'm distraught.

 

How many times are you going to "end it" with him? IS this just a game you are playing in hopes of him saying 'Don't leave me -- I love you and want only you"?

 

He has told you repeatedly that his wife matters to him. He has told you he is going to have a baby with his wife - NOT you. He has told you he is staying with his wife.

 

I am not sure why you aren't understanding that he isn't leaving his wife for you. I am not sure why you aren't understanding that all you will ever be to him is an OW. He is NOT going to have a future with you.

 

You continue to throw yourself at him and that is embarassing. Why do you keep belittling yourself and why do you have no pride? Why do you think this guy is all that? Why is he worth every once of self respect you have?

 

All the meds in the world aren't going to make the hurt less or the pain go away. You need to get into counseling to work on YOU - and again, the counselor can't fix you or take the pain away. The counselor is there to assist you in finding yourself and reclaiming your dignity and self respect.

Dear Llama,

I am sad and embarassed for you at the same time.

He's told you over and over that while in his heart he may desire a future with you, in his head and in his actions there is none.

 

He's not responding to you because he knows that if he waits long enough, you'll give in and behave the way he wants for awhile. You will resign yourself to being the permanent OW. It's up to you to get off the rollercoaster, my dear.

 

He's been clear about what he has to offer. It saddens me that you keep trying to make it something else. My xMM used to say "You can't polish a turd." Disgusting, but true. Your MM has handed you a turd and basically wants you to be happy with it. You don't have to be.

You DO know that you wouldn't have to go through this with a single guy, right? You wouldn't put up with it. I know you probably think that no one will ever love you like MM can, or you will never love like you love him. It's just not true. It's not. I wish I could make you believe that. You are holding on to a fantasy with MM, when you could have the real thing with someone that treats you with kindness and respect.

 

When you went to the doctor, was counseling discussed? Please look into it. A pill is not going to solve your problems, it will just make you care about them a little less.

Please try to get up and get around. Moping around your house isn't going to change things.

 

Totally agree.

[norajane]

He has told me at times that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that he has never loved anyone as much, that he wants to wake up next to me every day. These things to me that he said were real. This is why I have been in such conflict. Every time I came close to giving up he'd tell me to believe in him/us.

I want to spend the rest of my life traveling the world and writing about my off-beat adventures. A few years ago, one of my adventure articles was published in a national car magazine, with photos (!), and I loved that so much that I want to do it every day. Every time I think about giving up on that dream, I remind myself to believe in me.

 

This is all real. Very much so. But if I quit my job to follow this dream, I will find myself broke soon enough and unable to travel anywhere.

 

My point is, want and reality, want and what I will actually do, are entirely different things. So believe in him all you want, but he isn't leaving his wife, he doesn't want to have a baby with you, and you aren't ever going to be anything more than an OW in his life.

 

Pick a better dream than that for yourself - like one where you dump him and meet someone single who can be yours without all this trauma. Love is supposed to enhance your life, not send you to anti-depressants and therapists just so you can crawl after MM some more.

[Zarah]

Prepare for endless disappointments followed by momentary highs... that's what I'm dealing with! I wish I could give you better advice, but unfortunately I'm stuck in a very similar situation that is only getting more painful and unbearable by the day (and yet I can't escape it). As hard as it is, you need to get out of this R. Unless you are happy always being his dirty secret - and please don't be! Because there is a man out there who would love you immensely and treat you like you're heaven on earth. You deserve better and I know you know it!

 

Zarah

[pureinheart]

Prepare for endless disappointments followed by momentary highs... that's what I'm dealing with! I wish I could give you better advice, but unfortunately I'm stuck in a very similar situation that is only getting more painful and unbearable by the day (and yet I can't escape it). As hard as it is, you need to get out of this R. Unless you are happy always being his dirty secret - and please don't be! Because there is a man out there who would love you immensely and treat you like you're heaven on earth. You deserve better and I know you know it!

 

Zarah

 

LF and Zarah ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Long time no see...lol...I have nothing to add to Zarahs reply, although we ARE worth a whole lot! My heart goes out to both of you

[llamafarmer]

Hi,

 

Thank you once again for all the responses.

 

I do appreciate all the advice. I'm very down today. Still no text since Monday. I haven't set any either. It is really hard to do. I've got a new mobile and new email....but haven't finished swapping contacts over yet.

 

I still feel awful inside and just drained by it all. I love him so so much but to not even text or email to enquire how I am when I am off work makes no sense to me at all.

 

I shall now reply to points made:

 

reboot: you are right. actions. his actions at times were lovely, going out to cricket, drinks, walks in the park, but his end action was always to go home.

 

bentnotbroken: his actions didn't match the words. It hurts so much.

 

Trimmer: yes. you raise many points. the "on a practical level it can not happen" really hurt me. When would it ever be practical? I want to look to the future with hope...but right now I feel so weak.

 

awkward: your point about him not being the man I want him to be is true. I want him to be single. I am still going to move to my old house. I can't see a better option at the moment.

 

nadiaj2727: I had to resign as I couldn't stand it any longer. I am pleased with my decision. I am confident of finding work back where I used to live and have 7 years experience. I have contacts there and any teaching jobs that do come up I'll be in the area and this will make interviews easier to get to. I am in contact with supply agencies and they are very positive about finding me a medium term contract from September-December. It is not ideal, but it will be my only gap in service for 7 years.

 

fooled once: I'm signed on the list for support....I've been referred...but there is a waiting list. You asked me why I think he is worth so much to me......I find it really hard to explain. I've never loved anyone as much as him and when we were together it felt perfect. We would chat away like we'd known each other for years, similar sense of humour, it was amazing. This is why I've battled so hard for this relationship and been through so much....because I love him. Sadly, this was not enough to make him want me.

 

norajane: I would hope one day to meet someone I could love as much as this man....but I just don't know if that'll ever happen to me. I'm so scared my only chance of finding a soul mate has gone.

 

zarah: I was never happy being a secret. I wanted him to be part of my life so much, take him to meet friends and eventually family.

 

pureinheart: thank you for the hugs

 

 

Well, I'll update you on everything...

 

Nothing from him since the Monday texts. Not even asked me why I'm of work or emailed. This hurts as whatever he thinks of me I would think no matter how angry my texts may make him or anything I do...if someone you love is off work....you would whether angry or not, text to see they were okay.

 

I'm due to fly to Boston this Friday. I'm driving to a friends tonight as I hate being in the flat alone. I'm no company, but she knows that and we will just watch a film possibly. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut and buying supplies for my trip. I'm trying to get out the flat now. I haven't been out since the GP on Monday.

 

I'm worried how Boston will effect me. I'm hoping it'll be good. My friend from school lives there. I am there a week. I'll then have to come back and brave seeing him at work. My last day is Friday 2nd July. I am dreading it already.

 

I am wondering whether before I fly on Friday, before I delete my old email account, whether just to send one last email to him, telling him how sad I am that he hasn't contacted me. I would then delete the account. He hasn't got my new email or mobile.

[reboot]

He already KNOWS you are sad he hasn't contacted you. That's the point. His NC is meant to be disciplinary. It means, "I'm not talking to you until you are ready to accept your place and stop making demands of me."

 

It should tell you something, really, it should. It means that his needs are more important than yours to him. If you can't accept that, he bails out until you get lonely enough to accept the crumbs he throws your way.

 

It's pretty likely that he won't contact you. He doesn't have to because he knows you'll break at any moment and contact him. All he has to do is wait.

How long are you going to make him wait?

How about forever?

 

This is almost certainly the truth, whether you choose to believe it or not.

[Dexter Morgan]

I want to believe that we will be together...he seems to be getting close to me again bit by bit....but I have no idea what will happen in the future any more. I need advice and help.

 

you want to be with a cheater?

 

this is why men get away with what they get away with.

[norajane]

norajane: I would hope one day to meet someone I could love as much as this man....but I just don't know if that'll ever happen to me. I'm so scared my only chance of finding a soul mate has gone.

You have it backwards. Your only chance of finding a soul mate is to leave him.

 

You need to open your eyes and get your head out of denial and start seeing for what he is. He is a cheating husband who was and is trying to have a baby with his wife, while dangling with you on the side. That's all he is. He's not your soul mate. He's not anyone's soul mate. He's a manipulative, lying, cheating husband.

[nadiaj2727]

 

nadiaj2727: I had to resign as I couldn't stand it any longer. I am pleased with my decision. I am confident of finding work back where I used to live and have 7 years experience. I have contacts there and any teaching jobs that do come up I'll be in the area and this will make interviews easier to get to. I am in contact with supply agencies and they are very positive about finding me a medium term contract from September-December. It is not ideal, but it will be my only gap in service for 7 years.

 

To me this contradicts your earlier postings where you were too miserable to go to job interviews. If you have contacts and confidence then good. But for me, I still felt bad that I cheated my previous employer out of a good employee because I had let myself get so wrapped up in xMM that I couldn't concentrate on work. To me if you really dig deep and analyze the impact of your actions and choices then you should be determined to be a better employee for yourself and your employers. I feel like since I called you on this you are acting like it's no big deal but earlier you were saying you couldn't bear the thought of not being with xMM so much that you couldn't even get up and go to a job interview. That didn't sound to me like someone who was confident about finding another job. Just sayin'. In any event I do wish you luck in your career and hope you can find another job soon.

[reboot]

I'm so reminded of IMTK's threads. Where do you women find these scuzbuckets?

[Trimmer]

Trimmer: yes. you raise many points. the "on a practical level it can not happen" really hurt me. When would it ever be practical? I want to look to the future with hope...

The future that holds hope for you is still there and wide open. You don't have to define your future with this man - or even require that your future hinge on a man at all. Imagine your future being FOR YOU, and that a man in your life would be a great adornment to that life and that future, but not a requirement for it to be good and hopeful.

 

norajane: I would hope one day to meet someone I could love as much as this man....but I just don't know if that'll ever happen to me. I'm so scared my only chance of finding a soul mate has gone.

Don't be afraid of living your life. Hey, flat out: there are no guarantees. But then again, I refuse to believe in the whole idea that "there's only one 'soul mate' out there for me, and if I miss him, or lose him, all hope for the future is lost." I mean this in a kind way, but it will help you to develop a more realistic vision of human relationships.

 

I am wondering whether before I fly on Friday, before I delete my old email account, whether just to send one last email to him, telling him how sad I am that he hasn't contacted me. I would then delete the account. He hasn't got my new email or mobile.

No, you will not do this. You have just pulled your hand out of the fire, you don't need to put it back in there to see if it is still hot enough to burn you. Step away. Turn around. Look FORWARD. Your final words to him were just fine: "i will leave you in peace now" You can't do any better than that, and if you send anything else, whether or not he replies, you will only hurt yourself more.

 

You have absolutely taken some good steps with the new Email and mobile - whether you know it or not, you are taking action to protect yourself. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Nice work! Keep that momentum going.

 

It will hurt - of course it will. But those little things you think will make it a little better (I'll just send him one more Email before I delete the account...) are like taking one more hit of a drug before you try to kick the addiction. The way you kick it is NOT to sample just a little more today and then promise that you'll really, really stop tomorrow. The way to kick it is to take every single opportunity to say NO that presents itself. Deactivate that Email account now; you won't have any more need for it.

[fooled once]

Hi,

 

Thank you once again for all the responses.

 

I do appreciate all the advice. I'm very down today. Still no text since Monday. I haven't set any either. It is really hard to do. I've got a new mobile and new email....but haven't finished swapping contacts over yet.

 

I still feel awful inside and just drained by it all. I love him so so much but to not even text or email to enquire how I am when I am off work makes no sense to me at all.

 

I shall now reply to points made:

 

reboot: you are right. actions. his actions at times were lovely, going out to cricket, drinks, walks in the park, but his end action was always to go home.

 

bentnotbroken: his actions didn't match the words. It hurts so much.

 

Trimmer: yes. you raise many points. the "on a practical level it can not happen" really hurt me. When would it ever be practical? I want to look to the future with hope...but right now I feel so weak.

 

awkward: your point about him not being the man I want him to be is true. I want him to be single. I am still going to move to my old house. I can't see a better option at the moment.

 

nadiaj2727: I had to resign as I couldn't stand it any longer. I am pleased with my decision. I am confident of finding work back where I used to live and have 7 years experience. I have contacts there and any teaching jobs that do come up I'll be in the area and this will make interviews easier to get to. I am in contact with supply agencies and they are very positive about finding me a medium term contract from September-December. It is not ideal, but it will be my only gap in service for 7 years.

 

fooled once: I'm signed on the list for support....I've been referred...but there is a waiting list. You asked me why I think he is worth so much to me......I find it really hard to explain. I've never loved anyone as much as him and when we were together it felt perfect. We would chat away like we'd known each other for years, similar sense of humour, it was amazing. This is why I've battled so hard for this relationship and been through so much....because I love him. Sadly, this was not enough to make him want me.

 

norajane: I would hope one day to meet someone I could love as much as this man....but I just don't know if that'll ever happen to me. I'm so scared my only chance of finding a soul mate has gone.

 

zarah: I was never happy being a secret. I wanted him to be part of my life so much, take him to meet friends and eventually family.

 

pureinheart: thank you for the hugs

 

 

Well, I'll update you on everything...

 

Nothing from him since the Monday texts. Not even asked me why I'm of work or emailed. This hurts as whatever he thinks of me I would think no matter how angry my texts may make him or anything I do...if someone you love is off work....you would whether angry or not, text to see they were okay.

 

I'm due to fly to Boston this Friday. I'm driving to a friends tonight as I hate being in the flat alone. I'm no company, but she knows that and we will just watch a film possibly. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut and buying supplies for my trip. I'm trying to get out the flat now. I haven't been out since the GP on Monday.

 

I'm worried how Boston will effect me. I'm hoping it'll be good. My friend from school lives there. I am there a week. I'll then have to come back and brave seeing him at work. My last day is Friday 2nd July. I am dreading it already.

 

I am wondering whether before I fly on Friday, before I delete my old email account, whether just to send one last email to him, telling him how sad I am that he hasn't contacted me. I would then delete the account. He hasn't got my new email or mobile.

 

Stop begging for attention from him. his lack of actions should be screaming at you that he is NOT in love with you, that you don't mean that much to him and that he doens't care if you are sad (which he already knows from all the previous texts), he doesn't care that you aren't at work, he doesn't care what you are feeling.

 

He is focused on getting his wife pregnant and making HER happy.

 

But I have a feeling, no matter what we say, you WILL email him, if only to give him your new email AND new mobile number. Because for some reason, his rejection of you isn't enough to make you stop humiliating yourself for a bit of attention from him.

 

I hope you stop letting him affect you so much and you ENJOY your trip. Stop letting him control your emotions so much ((((hugs))))

[llamafarmer]

I am once again grateful for all the responses. I am not at home at the moment but will reply in more detail later. Still no word from him. I am shocked by this as after everything we have been through this seems very cruel to me. How can you stop caring? Peehaps he thinks he is doing me a favour. I am just saddened that he hasn't enquired how I am as I haven't been at work since Monday.

[reboot]

Sadly, you are the only one here shocked by his behavior. We've seen this story repeated over and over.

[bentnotbroken]

I am once again grateful for all the responses. I am not at home at the moment but will reply in more detail later. Still no word from him. I am shocked by this as after everything we have been through this seems very cruel to me. How can you stop caring? Peehaps he thinks he is doing me a favour. I am just saddened that he hasn't enquired how I am as I haven't been at work since Monday.

 

 

The same cruelty that he displayed by treating his wife like crap....hmmm, no wonder you are shocked:rolleyes:. You thought you were exempt from that cold side of him...why? Is it because you are special? At some point so did his wife. The things that most AP are capable of doing to their BS are a part of them. They can do it to a new person when the they feel the need. That doesn't feel so good does it? Now you have a taste of what his wife is getting.

[llamafarmer]

I am still struggling to cope with it all. I just don't understand why he has cut me dead.

 

Work will certainly have told people why I'm off.....he knows therefore I'm in a bad way. I'm trying to pack for Boston....but it is with a heavy heart that I go there. I am 30 tomorrow and I thought I'd be having a party....instead I'm leaving the country to escape the stress.

 

Here are my replies:

 

jthorne: I am sorry to report I did crack. I asked him "why are you ignoring me?" and sent it this morning. No reply. That is it then. I guess he doesn't care for me. You also say in a later post he is cold-hearted. He must be as no matter what I have done to upset him I'm supposed to be someone he cares for so not to even text and check up on my health is so cruel. One of your posts.....about your own experience really did strike a chord with me....this bit:

 

Or he'd tell me that leaving wasn't just leaving her, it was leaving their friends, extended families, etc- then in the next breath he'd tell me that he couldn't possibly imagine a day where he didn't talk to me, he loved and needed me so much. Typical stick and carrot. Tells you enough to get you to stay, but also enough to blame you when you decide you can't take any more. I imagine that my xMM still thinks to this day that I left not because I deserved more, but because I "just couldn't handle it".

 

He did that all the time to me.......said he couldn't imagine life without me. I think he thinks this is why we've fallen apart. It is not.....it is because I wanted more than he would give me......I couldn't handle it....true....but would've done if in the next six months he'd made real plans....found us a home....told his wife etc.

 

reboot: you agreed with jthorne. On Monday I did try all day to get a response and nothing came. Nothing since Monday. It is just awful. I never saw any bad side to him when we were just friends.....we were friends for a bit and he seemed 100% lovely. You also said that you've seen this story over and over...is this normally how things go? I've never been in this situation before....with a MM.

 

Trimmer: I have deactivated my email account and I'll deactivate my mobile in a bit when I ring the network. I didn't email. The text I sent was stupid and didn't help matters clearly.

 

fooled once: you are right. his actions are so cruel.

 

bentnotbroken: yes i did think i was special. he made me feel special. he called me "his oxygen". We went places we loved in common, clicked, I felt such a connection with him.....i did honestly believe i was special. i am normally quite reserved/cynical in relationships....but he made my heart leap and i did.....without any reservation.....fall in love with him. I don't think I have a taste of what his wife is getting in that he has stuck with her and she has no idea about the relationship.

 

I do find all the comments help. Right now I feel so down. To do this to me after all the love and support I've given him. I just don't understand. How can you just cut yourself off like that. Did I do anything so terrible on Monday morning sending those texts? I wasn't rude or aggressive....just wanting to understand. I wish my feelings would just switch off....it is awful.

[norajane]

I do find all the comments help. Right now I feel so down. To do this to me after all the love and support I've given him. I just don't understand. How can you just cut yourself off like that. Did I do anything so terrible on Monday morning sending those texts? I wasn't rude or aggressive....just wanting to understand. I wish my feelings would just switch off....it is awful.

Again, you need to take a look at the kind of man he is. He is a manipulative, lying, cheating husband. He is making babies with his wife, and cheating with you during his wife's pregnancy and miscarriage.

 

Why do you think he would treat you any better than he does his wife? What makes you think that a man who can do that to his wife would be any kinder to you when it's not convenient for him?

 

He cut himself off from you because he cannot give you what you want - a divorce and a promise for a future with you. So, he's ridding himself of the complication of having to discuss this with you over and over. He cut himself off from you because he wants a compliant OW, and you want to be his wife. Now that you've finally stated what you want from him, he wants nothing to do with you. He cut himself off from you because that's the kind of guy he IS.

[whichwayisup]

Do you know every time you reach out to him, he gets a huge ego feed? A power trip, knowing you're suffering and he..does..not..care. This guy is a NARCISSIST! He is incapable of actually feeling. Everything is a game and he's very good at pretending.

 

Try the NC. Not for him, but for you. NOTHING he says to you, even if he texts back can make things better. Nothing.

 

Where's your ego and pride in this? This guy is NUTS and isn't worth it.

 

He only cares about himself, that much is obvious.. And I agree, look how he's treated his wife, why would he treat you better than her?

[ladydesigner]

Do you know every time you reach out to him, he gets a huge ego feed? A power trip, knowing you're suffering and he..does..not..care. This guy is a NARCISSIST! He is incapable of actually feeling. Everything is a game and he's very good at pretending.

 

Try the NC. Not for him, but for you. NOTHING he says to you, even if he texts back can make things better. Nothing.

 

Where's your ego and pride in this? This guy is NUTS and isn't worth it.

 

He only cares about himself, that much is obvious.. And I agree, look how he's treated his wife, why would he treat you better than her?

 

Please listen to WWIU's words of advice. It is what you NEED to do to heal YOU. My XOM was the same way when we ended. He would send me enough emails to keep me hooked and not respond to others. He became a COMPLETELY different person than I had ever known him to be and we were good friends/co-workers before we began the EA that progressed into a PA. I thought I knew him. Apparently not.

 

Much of what has been said here is correct. My XOM was cold and distant to his girlfriend of 5 years when we were having our A, once our A ended he became cold and distant to me. My mind understands this but my heart still does not. It is hard to imagine why a person would say such wonderful things and then become a cold and hardened individual. Words are just WORDS and ACTIONS are what we should have been believing. My XOM's ACTIONS did not show his love for me.

 

My heart will always be broken in regards to my XOM. One day I hope to never think of him again. One day I hope I realize that what I thought we had was fake and not true. One day I want to see him for the a** that he really is.

 

One day WE WILL.

 

Hang in there!!!!!!

 

(((llamafarmer)))

[Trimmer]

Llama,

Try to look at it this way. Him not responding to you may actually be the kindest thing he's ever done for you.

I completely agree - whether he knows it or not, he is helping you move on, and whether you believe it at this point or not, that's the best possible outcome here.

 

Once again, in this area, I believe his actions ARE matching his words; the important parts of his actions and words that are absolutely matching here are: "on a practical level it can not happen..."

 

You also said that you've seen this story over and over...is this normally how things go? I've never been in this situation before....with a MM.

Well, I haven't seen it personally, but while there is not guaranteed "normal" as to how things go, there certainly seems to be a pattern, and sometimes it turns into a repetitive cycle of push away, pull back, push away, pull back.

 

Actually, in my opinion, I see a more horrible scenario than this one you are living through, in which he's detached himself. I think you would be much more at risk if he does come back around, knocking at your door with flowers and flowery words. That scares the heck out of me, on your behalf. Have you learned enough about him yet that you could have the strrength to send him away, or would you fall prey, and take just one more hit of that drug, just this once? It would feel so good, and it wouldn't really hurt anything would it? Would it?

 

Are you strong enough to say NO every opportunity that comes along, because this is a risky, vulnerable time for you, if he were to come knocking. That may sound like paradise for you, but everyone here, with a little more objectivity, will see it as hell on your doorstep.

 

yes i did think i was special. he made me feel special. he called me "his oxygen". We went places we loved in common, clicked, I felt such a connection with him....

RIght now, you have a huge handicap, in that you think you need his love to be special. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Again, I acknowledge your loss and your pain as being very real, but you do not need the love of a man to be special, to be a whole, strong individual. A partner's love is a great addition to a life, but I challenge you to heal and build towards seeing your life as special and whole from the perspective of you as an individual. Get to a counselor or therapist to get some help with this, if you need it, but work on it.

 

Build your life - your self - to a strength where you don't rely on a partner's love to feel whole. Then, your partner's love will ADD to your life, instead of simply filling the empty holes.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am once again grateful for all the responses. I am not at home at the moment but will reply in more detail later. Still no word from him. I am shocked by this as after everything we have been through this seems very cruel to me. How can you stop caring? Peehaps he thinks he is doing me a favour. I am just saddened that he hasn't enquired how I am as I haven't been at work since Monday.

 

he is a cheater...what did you expect by sleeping with someone elses husband?

[bentnotbroken]

I am still struggling to cope with it all. I just don't understand why he has cut me dead.

bentnotbroken: yes i did think i was special. he made me feel special. he called me "his oxygen". We went places we loved in common, clicked, I felt such a connection with him.....i did honestly believe i was special. i am normally quite reserved/cynical in relationships....but he made my heart leap and i did.....without any reservation.....fall in love with him. I don't think I have a taste of what his wife is getting in that he has stuck with her and she has no idea about the relationship.

 

 

Of course you don't think that. You think you are treated better than she is...you aren't. You don't see he isn't sticking with her...he is sticking it to her. He is stealing her life while dilly dallying with you. She has no idea therefore she can be given some type understanding for not dealing with something she has no clue about with HER husband. What's your excuse? You have the facts. And don't give me that love stuff. If he was beating the hell out of you and he was married to someone else...would you stick around for his "love"? So why stick around for the emotional abuse and participating in it against his wife?

[Mimolicious]

Bentnotbroken- You are a true soldier my friend! Fiyah!

 

Llama, move on honey. You may not see it now but your MM is doing you a favor by dissing you and not leading you on anymore. Trust me, you'll live!

 

What never seems to amaze me is how people get involved in A's, especially the OW/OM don't see it for what it really is (in some cases), yet they act like their life is over!?!??!!

 

For an instance, imagine you were his W and he left you for the OW. See what you're feeling? x by 20... But I am sure that you wouldn't be caring much if he had stayed with you. It comes down to not winning, because nobody wants to lose.

 

Go celebrate your birthday and live life! Maybe promise yourself to never again get involved with a MM. Nothing is fail-proof.

Edited May 27, 2010 by Mimolicious