I'm so in love with a married man

[Pink_orchid]

What's shocked me on here, but also somehow comforted me and made me realise that I am not alone, is how the MM can appear to be great friends with you, have an affair with you and then cut you off dead.

 

As LF said 'It is just awful. I never saw any bad side to him when we were just friends.....he seemed 100% lovely... to do this to me after all the love and support I've given him. I just don't understand. How can you just cut yourself off like that...' I am afraid they do just that LF, it's horrible and heartless. But really... is he worth any more of your time, energy, and love... I think not.

 

You've given him more than enough chances. I really do believe that you will look back on this one day and re-read your posts, and think oh my god, I was so silly with that man and the way I let him treat me. Not criticising you... I have been there, got the t-shirt... I just know you're better than this. We ALL are! It pains me to read how little you think of yourself, when you have so much to offer!

 

And 'mimo' with respect, don't kick the girl when she's down hey? You're 'amazed that people get involved in affairs and don't see it for what it really is'. The men (and women) who pursue affairs can be very charming, convincing, loving, attentive, the whole works, I am guessing you are a betrayed spouse to wants to belittle anyone who takes up with a married person?? The married person is as much to blame as the other (single) affair partner, if not worse in my view, with no compunction for their actions or the hurt they cause.

 

Move on Llamafarmer. You'll get there. I was as devastated as you a couple of months ago, end of the affair, thrown under a bus, call it what you will. But I do not deserve to be treated like that and I won't settle for being treated like cr@p, no matter how much I love someone. Every day is a day closer to finding a better future (and a better man!).

 

Do try to have a nice birthday, look on it as a new start.

[llamafarmer]

I am in Boston now. I hurt like hell as I miss him so much. It is so hard to just switch off. I did delete my email and mobile but if he wants me he could find me via facebook as he knows I am on there. He didn't contact me on after 8am Monday and I waited until Thursday 8pm to kill my mobile. He never got in touch. I am heartbroken. I just want to cry all the time .

[Fallen Angel]

When you are 40, you are going to look back on this and wonder why you let this ruin your 30th birthday.

 

There's lots to see in Boston! Keep yourself busy!

At least TRY to have a nice birthday. It's a new beginning.

 

The Museum of Fine Arts -

100 Huntington Avenue

Boston, MA 02116-6511

 

Boston Public Garden -

Charles Street Boston, MA 02116

 

New England Aquarium -

1 Central Wharf

Boston, MA 02110

 

If I were in Boston all three of those would be on my list of destinations.

 

Try to enjoy yourself.

 

Get out and see something beautiful.

 

((hugs))

[llamafarmer]

I am struggling. My friend is being great but the pain is constant. I want to email him so much and just make him see my love and the pain I am in. He does not have my new email or mobile and I wonder if he has tried to contact me. What if he has tried because he loves and misses me and realises he does want a life with me? What if I have acted in haste? He does have a point that things had been hard lately, that I have been unhappy, what if I had been happy more and perhaps he'd of wanted me more and seen a future with me would be fantastic? I do wonder if I hadn't talked so much about my concerns and the future all the time and shown him my happy side more whether he'd of wanted me? Perhaps I was too demanding? When I didn't use to talk about the future in the first few months he would talk about it but then when I did in later months he would not want to talk about it. He always used to say that I wasn't living by doing that, perhaps he had a point?

[anne1707]

Stop blaming yourself for his actions. IF (note that's a very big if) he really wanted you, he would find you. His actions show his true colours and all he wants is you there from time to time when it suits him and on his terms. You deserve way better than that. Ending this is his loss, not yours. Be strong for yourself.

[norajane]

He does have a point that things had been hard lately, that I have been unhappy, what if I had been happy more and perhaps he'd of wanted me more and seen a future with me would be fantastic?

 

So, you think lying to yourself would have been better? Pretending to be happy, putting on a happy face for him so he would stay with you? All that would get you is more time as his OW. That does not in any way bring you closer to a future together as anything but his OW while he stays married.

 

I do wonder if I hadn't talked so much about my concerns and the future all the time and shown him my happy side more whether he'd of wanted me?

 

Yes, he'd want you....as his OW. He liked it when you kept your mouth shut about your concerns. That's why he enjoyed being with you - you were a great OW whose only thoughts were of HIS happiness and what HE wanted.

 

Perhaps I was too demanding?

 

Any mention you made of your own needs, your own wants, your own happiness, and the desire that you have a future together would have appeared "too demanding" to him.

 

When I didn't use to talk about the future in the first few months he would talk about it but then when I did in later months he would not want to talk about it.

 

Sure, he'd talk about the future when he felt safe that you wouldn't actually take him up on any of his words and expect action. Empty words are just that - anyone can say thing, but meaning them and taking action are a whole other thing.

 

And then when he realized you were actually wanting him to divorce and be with you...well...that's when he started calling you a bitch for wanting to talk about it, didn't he? That showed you that he never intended to follow through on his words about the future. He was mad that you couldn't just shut up and stay a happy OW.

 

He always used to say that I wasn't living by doing that, perhaps he had a point?

 

How convenient for him. Just shut up and and enjoy being an OW, and all will be well...for HIM.

[norajane]

what if I had been happy more and perhaps he'd of wanted me more and seen a future with me would be fantastic?

 

You weren't auditioning for the role of his second wife, so you didn't fail the audition. He wasn't looking for a second wife, doesn't want a second wife.

 

He wanted an OW. And you played that role beautifully, until you started wanting more than that. And that's when he got all pissy and ran, because HE is the star of his show. You and his wife are supposed to stay in your places and fawn over HIM. That's ALL.

[llamafarmer]

He has not contacted me since Monday.

 

I'm just distraught. I was told I was his soul-mate....that he more than loved me.....

 

Why do this to me? How can you just stop caring?

[Fallen Angel]

He has not contacted me since Monday.

 

I'm just distraught. I was told I was his soul-mate....that he more than loved me.....

 

Why do this to me? How can you just stop caring?

 

llama,

 

I do not know what anyone can say to you that will help you. We have all given our views/advice yet you keep asking the same questions hoping to get different answers.

 

Do you want to hear us tell you that he loves you? that you are his soul mate? would that make you feel better?

 

The truth is he lied to you. he broke your heart. He said he loved you but has now made it clear that he did not mean it, based on his actions. What more can we say??

 

No one here can give you the closure you are seeking. We can not make him come back to you. We can not fix what is broken in him. Or what is broken in you.

 

You must make a move to fix it.

 

I would suggest IC. I would suggest you see someone as soon as possible because I fear that your despondency is getting worse with each passing day and I am concerned for your mental health right now. You need help that we can not provide. Please seek professional help as soon as possible. And do try to take care of yourself. ((hugs))

[Pink_orchid]

Llamafarmer, I know it's horrible, but it's time to be tough with you... you've got to pull yourself together now. He is ONE man on the planet that's all. One man that you really shouldn't be bothering to care about any more. Listen to yourself, and I mean that kindly, yes it is devastating, I've been there, but I am trying to help you, because I am a bit further down the river with regards to healing - not completely by any means but I feel a bit better about myself and the whole thing, I am starting to think 'It's YOUR LOSS ----' (insert his name).

 

This is what worked for me. Positive thinking about yourself.

 

Nobody will want a depressed and sad and pitiful woman for their partner or even to be their friend. Would you want someone who accepted any treatment you cared to dish out, who moped around, absolutely crushed because they had no life at all apart from you, who was a doormat, of course you wouldn't...! I am not saying that this is what you are, but this is what this mean man has made you become. 'He hasn't contacted me since Monday'?? Are you still sitting there waiting for him?? You've got to snap out of it ((I KNOW it's hard)) but the only way you're going to recover is to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop analysing him, get out there and start living.

 

He's a fool! Only when he sees you're all right without him will he realise what he's lost, he ain't going to come running back any time soon, he's running the other way because all the fun has turned into stress. So STOP right now. And turn your back on him. Turn to yourself, love yourself, turn yourself back into YOU. Strong, fun, happy, busy etc. This is what I had to do, it is working I promise you. It's working for me, and also strangely my MM is starting to show signs of looking back to see what he's missing. I've had a few indications. It's all or nothing for me. We will see...

 

Anyway, it's the ATTRACTION he feels that will make him come back (God knows why you want him!) and it's your confidence that you can take him or leave him, and life is great either way, that will attract him back (or hopefully attract someone NEW).

 

I feel for you, I really do because I have been in a dark place too but I do hope that you see that your current stance and state of mind is no good for you, and only you can change it.

 

I know you don't feel you have the strength at the moment, but you do. Remember, he is just ONE man out of millions on the planet, who is messed up and doesn't actually deserve you anyway.

[MUGWUMP]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I’m new to posting on here but been following this thread with interest. I think what everyone says is true LF to some extent though I feel some have other agendas they wish to project on you. Just one thing though, how did MM take the news of your trip to Boston for your birthday? Did he take it well or is that the reason he not contacted? Do you think he assumed you would spend your birthday together or had he told you he couldn’t because of other commitments, W, yadder yadder? From what I been reading he seems to at least be the type to at least respond even if it only a text or email that’s all. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]You say he’s a co-worker and from experiences of office life secrets don’t stay secrets for long. Just a thought but while you been off work could MM have found out you been applying for jobs, planning on moving away etc and he’s mad/shocked? Not sure if you told him about your job interview after you went. It would clearly change his view of you and the “relationship”.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I agree with jthorne “[/FONT][/sIZE]If there was more, he would have contacted you before you left for Boston.” Likemany of the posters have said maybe MM is doing you a favor in trying to bring closure on the relationship and maybe he found out at work you’ve not been entirely honest with him (you have many good reasons not to be) but if I were in his place I’d be horrified to learn that on one hand you say you’re soul-mates and you want him to state his intentions towards future commitment and then you have been dishonest he might see it as a total breakdown of trust in the relationship and called it a day – maybe reconfirming his doubts or helping him with his selfish decision not to see you unless it’s on his terms.

You don’t know if he’s tried to contact you if you changed email and mobile so why would you expect him to chase you on Facebook if you signalled you don’t want contact with him? Unless you see it as a test for his love. I’m sorry if this sounds a little critical but you seem to contradict yourself – you seem to be drawing a line under the A by changing email and mobile but think (hope?) he’s going to go on Facebook and risk rejection when you don’t reply to his message or blank him as a friend. Sorry if this is too critical but playing Devil’s Advocate here.

By your actions you called it a day in his eyes and maybe he’s accepted it which must be good for you. This can work to your advantage as it’s saved a confrontation (rather than I hope saving up a confrontation) at work if he now knows about the jobs moving etc. You can return to your office and he will in all likelihood just blank you and cause no scenes especially if he is now resigned to it being over. You can be focused purely on your work and see out the remaining weeks of your notice. Respect his decision and stick to yours. You’ll be moving/taking a holiday and with luck that will be the closure you need.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[Mimolicious]

What's shocked me on here, but also somehow comforted me and made me realise that I am not alone, is how the MM can appear to be great friends with you, have an affair with you and then cut you off dead.

 

As LF said 'It is just awful. I never saw any bad side to him when we were just friends.....he seemed 100% lovely... to do this to me after all the love and support I've given him. I just don't understand. How can you just cut yourself off like that...' I am afraid they do just that LF, it's horrible and heartless. But really... is he worth any more of your time, energy, and love... I think not.

 

You've given him more than enough chances. I really do believe that you will look back on this one day and re-read your posts, and think oh my god, I was so silly with that man and the way I let him treat me. Not criticising you... I have been there, got the t-shirt... I just know you're better than this. We ALL are! It pains me to read how little you think of yourself, when you have so much to offer!

 

And 'mimo' with respect, don't kick the girl when she's down hey? You're 'amazed that people get involved in affairs and don't see it for what it really is'. The men (and women) who pursue affairs can be very charming, convincing, loving, attentive, the whole works, I am guessing you are a betrayed spouse to wants to belittle anyone who takes up with a married person?? The married person is as much to blame as the other (single) affair partner, if not worse in my view, with no compunction for their actions or the hurt they cause.

 

Move on Llamafarmer. You'll get there. I was as devastated as you a couple of months ago, end of the affair, thrown under a bus, call it what you will. But I do not deserve to be treated like that and I won't settle for being treated like cr@p, no matter how much I love someone. Every day is a day closer to finding a better future (and a better man!).

 

Do try to have a nice birthday, look on it as a new start.

 

Oh without a doubt, I totally agree with you here. The MM is the one to really blame. At the end, they are the ones with a commitment not the OW/OM but don't shy away from seeing reality. People can tell you all they want but once you accept to buy into those stories you sign up for your own mess. To place all your trust, hopes and dreams on someone that deceives, lies and cheats is foolish (We all been there) but it's kind of extreme that one knows the truth (unless they don't know)and yet feel like their life has ended. It's actually disturbing.

 

I guess age and experience plays a huge factor here. Matters of the heart hurt but it's not really the essence of life. (well, at least my life).

[Pink_orchid]

Just wondered Llama Farmer if you're still here and if you're ok. I was quite worried about your state of health and you don't appear to have posted recently... check in... let us know how you are.