Want my ex back

[drum45]

Here is my story. Any advice is very appreciated.

 

My marriage of 15 years ended last May. I was married to a wonderful woman and we have two children together, ages 14 and 12. The problems started a few years back when my ex-wife was dealing with a lot of depression. She had a job that was very difficult and stressful. We made a lot of moves, some accross the country and back in order (I thought) to get her feeling better. Then, I became unemployed and went into depression. I was unemployed for over a year. I became very negative and withdrawn. During that time we had to move in with my in-laws.

 

Finally, one day my ex-wife came to me and said "I can't take it any longer, I want a divorce". This was a complete shock to me. There wasn't any indication of this happening. My ex-wife would say "I tried to tell you when I was unhappy". You see, my ex is very non- confrontational. An won't say what's on her mind. There was a lot of non-communication happening. Within 2 days I was out of the house and on my own. She told me that all of her depression was due to me. I went along with the divorce so it wouldn't be messy. I didn't want the divorce, but I thought it was what my ex wanted and needed to make her feel better. I was and still am very much in love with her.

 

Since then we have been able to talk and get along. My relationship with my children is better and my ex and I have had some long, honest talks about what happened in the marriage. We have an understanding of how each other felt, our hurt and feelings. During this period since the divorce I have realized a lot of things I did during the marriage (unintentional) that made her feel the way she did. I've explained this to her and she tells me that she knows that I didn't mean to hurt her. She says that she just felt unrespected and taken for granted and something just for sex. I've told her that that's not how I felt, I was just blinded by a lot of confusion and frustration. She says she knows that I'm sincere when I tell her that. At times, I've asked for a second chance, but she says "we aren't getting back together". She also says "just give some space to get over things". But with the children, I see her somewhat regularly.

 

Recently, I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I shared this with her and she was very supportive. She sat and held my hand as I cried and expressed my fear and concern. At one point when our marriage came up, we both shed a tear. It was one of the most touching times for us in a long time. And just yesterday I got a new job. She was the first to call to congratulate me and share my joy.

 

I feel that we are getting closer and she tells me that she thinks that we can become good friends. I tell her that I love her and she responds with "I know you do, and I now really understand how much you do." I really want her back in my life. I miss her and the kids terribly. I miss her friendship more than anything else.

 

There is one thing. She is seeing another man now and it seems to be a friendship, but she has seen a lot of him (about 12 dates) in the past three weeks since they met. I feel a little threatened by that. I have made some other friendships with other women, but nothing serious. I really want to do the correct things to get back into her life, but I'm confused on what to do. I confess my love, respect, admiration and thanks to her all of the time. I wonder what I should do now to help make our relationship closer.

 

If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate all I can get. I love her with all my heart and soul. Thanks for your help

[Reckless]

What a sad story and all too common I'm afraid. Do you think you could cope with just being friends? Friendship sometimes lasts longer than romance - cold comfort? Well, You both obviously continue to grow closer and are now communicating well, which is good for you and for the children. People do get back together with their ex's but I'm afraid it doesn't look like your ex is looking to get back together with you, it would be cruel of me to indicate that there was anything in your post that made me feel there is, at present reason for you to hope.

 

At times, I've asked for a second chance, but she says "we aren't getting back together".

 

She clearly loves you but she is no longer 'in love' with you. You had a long marriage and you both still care for each other but maybe it would be better for your health and state of mind if you can learn to accept what you have, which is a good relationship with your ex. I won't ask you if you can live with that since you may well have to.

 

It's not even been a year since your divorce, that's really not very long. She's right, you have to give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with what has happened. If we could turn back time we would all do some things differently, unfortunately we can't.

 

Sorry for your pain,

 

R.

[look forward]

drum45 your story is very sad very sad indeed and I am so sorry for the pain you are going through... I think its fantastic that you and your ex wife have kept a friendship going which sounds very solid, but I have mixed feelings about the future of you two... She has told you point blank that you will not be getting back together but maybe both of you need time to come to terms with what happend.. she sounds like she is trying to move on with this new guy maybe you also need to date or find something you enjoy to focus on..

 

I know you keep telling her how you feel how about not telling her all the time and see if she tells you.. its almost like she knows that the door is open with you... how about backing off just a little so maybe she realises that you have changed.. ..

 

Its really hard I know you desperatly want her back but perhaps if she sees you trying to move on and re-build your life she may re-consider...

 

best of luck to you

 

XXXX

[drum45]

Thanks for the advice. There is some new developments. Today I met my ex for lunch. Nothing much, just McDonalds. We chatted about my new job and about a class she is taking. Other things came up about our son's schoolwork, etc. I suggested celebrating my new job at sometime and she said "when you get your first paycheck, we'll celebrate".

 

Then she said something interesting. She said "If we were still married, I'd be giving you a nice reward tonight in bed for your new job". I said jokingly, "That's the kind of reward I could get used to". She then said "Im not giving you that reward, even as much as I'd like to". I told her I was just joking about it and hope she understood. She said she did understand. I also told her as much as I'd like to make love to her, and even if she asked me, I'd want our friendship to grow until we were at a point that it was appropriate. I told her that I didn't want anything to get in the way of us repairing our friendship and she agreed.

 

When I left her, I hugged her and we kissed. Nothing sensual, just a nice kiss on the lips. She then asked me to come over to the house to fix the tail light on her car. I said I'd do it for her and then she went back to work.

 

I feel that we are getting closer. There are times that she will flirt a little with me. I'm trying to take it slow, so she doesn't feel threatened. By the way, she hasn't spoken about her male friend in a while. Not sure were that stands.

 

Thanks for the continued advice.

[doniker]

I would be more worried about getting that colon fixed !!

 

Your story sounds like something that could happen to me, my wife never talks about her feelings and just "goes with the program".

 

Give things time, pushing too hard could drive her farther away.