Anybody really fighting with the stbx through attorney's?

[onedayatatyme]

Yesterday morning my stbx discovered me going through our car. She is claiming I'm violating the temporary restraining order which states:

 

"That each of us is prohibited from entering, operating, or exercising control over the motor vehicle in the possession of the other party."

 

I know she called her attorney to try to make an issue of this. Ridiculous. I'm still waiting on a call back from my attorney. My feeling is that I'm pretty much in the clear for the following reasons:

 

1) I was in physical possession of the car just as much as she was. It was parked in our garage at home.

2) I had "constructive possession" of the car (a legal term). I had a key.

3) It's the only vehicle we own. We are both on the title, insurance and registration. We've never had a written or verbal agreement that it's "her" car.

4) She never requested exclusive use of the car or expressed an expectation of such in any manner.

 

The only thing going against me is that she has always been the primary user of this vehicle, I have access to a company car that I normally use. However, I do use our car on occasion because it is our only tow vehicle and we have a boat and a utility trailer. Also, my company vehicle is a lease with limited miles so we had been parking the company car when the miles were getting out of hand and using our car.

 

In the last two weeks she has started locking our car, I guess on the advice of an attorney. She didn't realize how easy it would be for me to have another key made. So in our cat and mouse game, I decided to get into the vehicle to see what she was hiding in hopes of discovering evidence of the ongoing affair which my attorney says would be very valuable.

 

Unlucky me, I waited until she was in the shower but she ended up coming out to tell me something and discovered me two minutes into my operation.

 

This cat and mouse game is tiring and definitely going to the attorney's for every little petty thing is exhausting too. I reminded her that I am asking to be awarded attorney's fees in the divorce settlement. Maybe that will slow her down a little next time.

[unsureLP]

Oh man, I'm sorry you guys are at that point. If you have to divorce I would hope things could at least be kept civil between you, but it doesn't look like that.

 

What did the attorney say about her claim? I hope he had good news.

 

To be honest, I'm a little curious. Did he say why this information would be so valuable? Can't you use the information you already have on the A? Is there a reason why current evidence is better? I hope it didn't backfire on him.

 

Just a thought, but maybe the trust issues between you both is contributing to doing everything through the attorneys.

 

Good luck with everything. I hope you're ok.

[onedayatatyme]

I'm sorry we're at this point too. I have tried to approach her and tell her that not everything needs to go through the attorney's but I guess I'm just as guilty of it as she is. It's going to get expensive that way. I've tried to talk to her but she doesn't want to talk about this process or how she wants it to go down at all. My guess is that she feels so intimidated by me and the hole she's dug herself into that she has decided just to let her hired gun do all of the talking for her.

 

If that's the way it has to be, I hope the judge will order her to pay for my legal expenses like I've requested.

 

We're in Texas. Adultery is a cause for divorce and the judge does have discretion to consider it when deciding how to split assets. The asset split does not have to be 50/50. In fact I'm asking for 60/40. I haven't gone into detail with my attorney about why more evidence would help and he didn't advise me to go looking for it. He didn't advise against it either. I decided on my own to keep watching her. My attorney might say that's a bad idea. I don't know yet.

 

My thoughts on why it would help is as a bargaining chip and if it can be established that the affair never ended and her attempts at reconciliation were smoke and mirrors (which I am sure of) it establishes several things even more concretely.

 

This really does suck to do this to the mother of my kids and this woman that I really do love. But on the other hand, she does have it coming to her. It's all business for me at this point.

 

The massive trust issues are at the root of this. I don't trust her because of the constant lying and she doesn't trust me because I'm snooping on her. Because I'm snooping, she's snooping. And while she hasn't found anything she can use against me, she has seen some of my texts to friends working on divorce strategy. It rattled her really bad and deteriorated the trust even further. For some reason, she thought it was inappropriate of me to bounce my ideas for the asset split off of a friend. Like I'm obligated to keep all of that private or something.

[onedayatatyme]

By the way, I do see some of my behaviors during this as things I might not be proud of in years to come. I haven't done anything underhanded, dirty or immoral. But I am also not taking the high road everytime. I FEEL dirty continuing to spy on her. I'm not sure if I should feel that way or not. One one hand, I've already got so much on her I feel bad kicking and kicking while she's down. On the other hand, she created this entire situation. The affair, the divorce, the custody battle without trying to compromise.... all her doing. She has taught me not to trust her farther than I can throw her. So in self defense, I feel like I have to get as much on her as I can.

 

But this is not fun.

 

On top of that, I know that I am obsessing about this situation. I think I tend to be obsessive about alot of things and now that has turned to this divorce. I don't think I'm obsessed in an unhealthy way like I'll be driving by her house after the divorce is final. It's just that I have a one track mind and when I'm facing a problem, I just can't stop thinking about how to create the best possible solution.

 

On the upside, this has helped me in my career. It helped me go the extra mile for the marriage 10 times. And now it's going to help me get what I need and want from this divorce. I may have made a strategic mistake going into her car.

 

BTW, this morning when we were loading the kids to take them to school. I openned her car just to kiss our older daughter goodbye. Stbx comes out and asks, what are you doing in my car? Silly and sad that we have come this far.

[nobmagnet]

O man what a sh*tty place you two are at!

 

At the beggining my ex was snooping on my e.mails remotely( clever IT geek) and discovered I was talking to my mate about him...........shock horror :laugh::laugh: He got really angry about it! I laughed in his face and dimantled the system he set up and shoved it in a box and put it out in the rain for him to collect next time he came over.

 

He couldnt tell me he had snooped but he stupidly sent an e.mail to her husband saying it would be inappropriate for them to remain freinds when his wife is slagging him off and quoted what she said in the mail to me!! derrrrrrrrrr :laugh:

 

Gaining evidence is fine but it might not be admissable in court if it appears to be entrapment.

 

Cat and mouse sucks you must be on permenant alert. Damn that sucks

 

 

nobby xxxx

[carhill]

Are you all still living together? I can't imagine a TRO or DRO letting that happen, but I don't live in Texas

 

If a judge says stay away from the car in her possession, even if it's *your* car, the judge can do that. You can ignore the judge or you can appeal the decision, both of which have costs and consequences. I guess you're going to find out what those are.

 

I really, really hope that there is a huge financial/custody reward from a contested, at-fault divorce action for you, since this road is going to be a painful and expensive one.

 

TBH, if I was in your shoes, the sole person I'd talk to about the business of divorce would be my lawyer. S/he can bring in financial advisers as appropriate. Attorney-client privilege protects such discourse. An attorney will also advise you of the possible consequences of your actions so you can make a more informed decision about those actions. They can also help you with different scenarios, both legal and 'off-the-record' to acheive your goals.

 

Hope things work out for you. I found, in no-fault California, amicable and reasonable is the way to go. YMMV.

[Gunny376]

God I soooooooo glad I'm pass living like this!

 

Its no way to live life!

[onedayatatyme]

We are still living together. The TRO only covers things like not harrassing or threatening each other. Not draining bank accounts. Not changing insurance premiums or beneficiaries. That stuff. But the TRO is the necessary first step to forcing one of us out of the house. Next week there will be a hearing with the judge and he will set up temporary custody, living and financial arrangements. filing the TRO was the precursor to the hearing. Whatever the judge decides will become a temporary injuction that should stand until the divorce is final.

 

I would love amicable. And I don't need the 60/40 split. I would take 50/50. It comes down to the custody. And when I say custody, I don't even mean time with the kids. I'll get plenty of time with the kids either way because I believe we could both agree and would both want something close to joint custody as far as time goes.

 

However, in Texas, one of us is going to pay the other child support. And it's going to make a $2000 a month difference. :eek::eek: If I am paying her child support, it's going to be $1875 a month. If she's paying me child support, it's going to be at least several hundred dollars. That's worth alot of attorney fees to get cleared up.

[onedayatatyme]

God I soooooooo glad I'm pass living like this!

 

Its no way to live life!

 

Amen to that. Just gotta suck it up and keep marching.

[You Go Girl]

There's no written clause somewhere that it's her car, even for temporary sole use during divorce---then it's NOT her car.

That car belongs to both of you.

Simple as that.

Just like a company car is not YOUR car.

You did nothing wrong.

You have nothing to worry about.

Entering a vehicle you own is not against the law!

[You Go Girl]

I guess to clarify what I feel--

 

""That each of us is prohibited from entering, operating, or exercising control over the motor vehicle in the possession of the other party."

 

There's only ONE family car. So the clause means nil.

 

You just explain this should it be asked of you in court--

and hey, weren't you looking for those missing sunglasses anyway?

[onedayatatyme]

There's no written clause somewhere that it's her car, even for temporary sole use during divorce---then it's NOT her car.

That car belongs to both of you.

Simple as that.

Just like a company car is not YOUR car.

You did nothing wrong.

You have nothing to worry about.

Entering a vehicle you own is not against the law!

 

I hope you're right and I appreciate the vote of confidence. The TRO is worded with respect to possession, not ownership. But I looked up the legal definition of possession and I don't see that she can claim exclusive possession. The car was parked in our garage and I had a key.

[carhill]

You can be restrained from entering your own home, even though you pay the mortgage, taxes and property insurance. It happens a lot.

 

OP, this is stuff to talk to your lawyer about. Effective representation turns upon honesty and straightforward talk and action, something Texans are noted for.

 

I'm leaving for my lawyer's office in about 15 minutes for some straightforward talk and action. He hasn't failed me yet. Judges seem to like his style

[Gunny376]

Just tell the Judge your Goldfish got off its leash and you were looking for him?

[onedayatatyme]

You can be restrained from entering your own home, even though you pay the mortgage, taxes and property insurance. It happens a lot.

 

OP, this is stuff to talk to your lawyer about. Effective representation turns upon honesty and straightforward talk and action, something Texans are noted for.

 

I'm leaving for my lawyer's office in about 15 minutes for some straightforward talk and action. He hasn't failed me yet. Judges seem to like his style

 

I'm not hiding anything from my attorney. I posted this thread while I was waiting on him to call me back for clarification and I was nervous. Am I bummed that she caught me going through her car? Sure but it doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I still haven't spoken to him but got an email from his assistant that said I would be in direct violation of the TRO if my name wasn't on the title. Both of our names are on the title so at worst, I'm in a gray area. My guess if the judge doesn't like that I openned the car door, he'll scold me and make it clear that I shouldn't do it again. I'm not too worried at this point.

 

Yeah, I know that I might be restrained from entering my home. If that happens, it will happen at the hearing next week. As of now, we are both in the house, a most awkward arrangement.

[Gunny376]

Based upon real life experience?

 

Your worrying too much!

Your worrying about things you can't do anything about!

Your worrying about things not worth worrying about!

Your worrying about things!

 

Quit worrying!

[onedayatatyme]

My attorney and the judge assigned to the case are buddy's. Stbx's attorney is new to this county. She may never have met this judge before. My attorney has never met her. I have no idea of her experience level but the firm she works for is run by a guy in his 30's. So my guess is she's pretty fresh faced and innexperienced. She's certainly not a member of the good ol' boy network around here. I'd say that's a distinct advantage.

 

Some of the things I find myself typing are unpleasant even to myself. Hoping I have an advantage just because of the relationship between my attorney and the judge is wrong and unfair and goes against my principles. But that's not why I hired this guy, I just got lucky, and I certainly didn't choose my stbx's attorney. I guess I should not look a gift horse in the mouth, keep my head down, and thank my lucky stars that I'm not in my stbx's shoes. Although choosing to remain faithful and not go off the deep end didn't require luck, only character.

[onedayatatyme]

Based upon real life experience?

 

Your worrying too much!

Your worrying about things you can't do anything about!

Your worrying about things not worth worrying about!

Your worrying about things!

 

Quit worrying!

 

You are 100% right. The problem is I already know this and I'm trying to work out in my head how not to do this. I am always worried and obsessed about something. It's in my nature.

 

The weird thing is that the rational part of my brain is ready to accept the worst the judge might decide next week. He might decide that I need to move out of the house, that I need to continue to pay all of the household bills, and that stbx gets temporary custody. I will not have a breakdown if this happens but it does mean that she wins and I hate that thought.

 

So I remain obsessed even though it isn't productive. I try to take out all my worrying here on LS but there seems to be an endless supply.

 

Another Marine friend of mine (who was a staff seargent BTW) told me to work the solution, not the problem. That is perfectly simple and practical. Now if I could just get control of these vengeful emotions, I'd be able to think clearly enough to do just that.

[unsureLP]

I think at the point where you are in the process it's tough not to feel vengeful and try to do everything to watch your back. She probably feels the same and is doing all she can to come out on top.

 

This is hard. Nobody wins. Yeah, ok, financially someone will hurt more, and maybe pride will play a part too. But you both have to live with yourselves until you die, and like you mentioned before you will remember how you acted. Maybe it won't be that big of a deal, I don't know. I just know from personal experience that somethings I've done in anger or frustration still haunt me after almost a decade.

 

I don't think you can back down though. It's survival mode now, and Gunny is right. If you're going to do something, then there's no point in worrying about it.

 

Just take care of yourself.

[Gunny376]

You are 100% right. The problem is I already know this and I'm trying to work out in my head how not to do this. I am always worried and obsessed about something. It's in my nature.

 

The weird thing is that the rational part of my brain is ready to accept the worst the judge might decide next week. He might decide that I need to move out of the house, that I need to continue to pay all of the household bills, and that stbx gets temporary custody. I will not have a breakdown if this happens but it does mean that she wins and I hate that thought.

 

So I remain obsessed even though it isn't productive. I try to take out all my worrying here on LS but there seems to be an endless supply.

 

Another Marine friend of mine (who was a staff seargent BTW) told me to work the solution, not the problem. That is perfectly simple and practical. Now if I could just get control of these vengeful emotions, I'd be able to think clearly enough to do just that.

 

Stress depletes serotonin your body's natural "feel good" chemical. You might want to pick up "The New Bible Cure For Depression and Anxiety" by Don Colbert, MD. (Walgreens, $9)

 

Obessive/Compulsive behavior is a form of depression, (Note I said behavior not disorder)

 

In short the stress your going through is using up your body's natural supply of serotonin, and thus you may need to see you Dr. about getting some AD's?

[onedayatatyme]

you may need to see you Dr. about getting some AD's?

 

Yeah, I think it's time for this.

[Gunny376]

Yeah, I think it's time for this.

 

Man its only been a week since I've been on the meds! First solid night sleep I've had in over twenty years! I'm not walking through the world constantly PO, hating life, the world and everyone in it! Just waiting to rip someoone's head off. Enjoying life again. Seeing things differently! Different attitdude, different perspective!

 

As I'm understanding its stress piled upon year after year of stress piled upon year afer year upon year of stress! For me it was twenty years plus of just not dealing with it! Thus the Delayed Stress Syndone ~ I'll deal with when I get my @zz out of this S*** and back in the real World! But right now? I've got to deal with the here and now!

[onedayatatyme]

I did see the MD last week. She gave me some AD samples. Today is day 5 for me. I might be feeling a difference for the first time today. Or it could just be the roller coaster. Yesterday I was a mess, jittery and nervous and anxiety stricken over the hearing tomorrow. Today I'm feeling as cool as a cucumber... so far anyway.

[carhill]

IME, give the meds a month to stabilize, then see how they work for you. Obviously, report any serious side effects to the doctor.

[Gunny376]

Its takes time for the meds to kick in, and it depends on what they are. The ones I'm taking had an almost immediate effect on my attitude, outlook an perspective, although with side effects. Worse case of constipation I ever had in my life!

 

I wouldn't so much call them "happy pills" as that I'm more focused on the day to day things that I need to be, and less obsessed with things I should have long let go. They help me concentrate and focus on the here and now. I'm more relaxed, and easy going. I'm not drugged, and I'm sleeping better than I have in over twenty years. And its good, deep sleep.

 

I'm not walking around with an "attitude" I'm much more sociable, out-going, approachable.

 

I've got to admit the first week of being on them were HELL on my system. But I'm also going through alcohol withdrawal, (which is what one of the pills are for) so that has something to do with it.