Author shadowplay Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 from the lounge where I'm sitting I just saw him walk by outside. It's a huge campus so I'm surprised I was able to pick him out. Seeing him really hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 I'd bet that it was your pre abortion distance from him that was the first strike in his confusion. That was for a couple weeks, wasnt it? You were very emotional then, and you were unsure if you wanted to stay with him. You got sick around him, couldnt be near him, and didnt tell him why- for fear of losing him. Then it got better post abortion. Im pretty sure you couldnt hide it from him totally. So to him that was the first taste of how you react in a heavy situation. The panic attack could have put it over the top for him. It was a month ago. I asked him when we spoke earlier today if the abortion/pre-abortion had anything to do with his feelings and he adamantly denied it. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 from the lounge where I'm sitting I just saw him walk by outside. It's a huge campus so I'm surprised I was able to pick him out. Seeing him really hurt. You're out in public? Do you need to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 We spoke briefly online, and he's back to not being even sure if he wants to try to work things out. He said his head is a "total mess" right now. I guess I'll just keep a distance until he sorts it out. There isn't anything else I can do. It's going to be so hard. I get a sharp pain whenever I think about all of the things he told me in the past. My whole family just met him on Easter, and we had a wonderful weekend together. He even told me how happy he was. Give him time to clear his head. Be sad, it's okay. What is it exactly that bothered him about the incident, do you know? Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 It was a month ago. I asked him when we spoke earlier today if the abortion/pre-abortion had anything to do with his feelings and he adamantly denied it. Yeah but you denied things too at the time, but didnt tell him to avoid hurting him. He also told you he wanted to be with you for the rest of his life, and then the next day told you he wasnt sure if he wanted to continue. Twice. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 shadow, when it feels like life is constantly bending you over and telling you take it up the rectum, DON`T DO IT. Stand up, throw up both middle fingers and suggest that it do itself. Better yet, force it to do itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 shadow, when it feels like life is constantly bending you over and telling you take it up the rectum, DON`T DO IT. Stand up, throw up both middle fingers and suggest that it do itself. Better yet, force it to do itself. ! Thanks, I'm really going to try to take on this attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 ! Thanks, I'm really going to try to take on this attitude.((Hugs)) darlin`! You`ll be fine! Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 When I last saw him this morning he was quiet and seemed confused. He said that his mind was totally blank. When asked he said he was willing to try to work things out and wouldn't break up with me, but I don't know how much of that was because I tried to convince him to stay with me. I feel like it can't work unless his heart is really in it. That would kill me because it would undercut the trust we had built up, but at the same time I don't know if I can walk away. He's so important to me. We spoke briefly online, and he's back to not being even sure if he wants to try to work things out. He said his head is a "total mess" right now. I guess I'll just keep a distance until he sorts it out. There isn't anything else I can do. It's going to be so hard. I get a sharp pain whenever I think about all of the things he told me in the past. My whole family just met him on Easter, and we had a wonderful weekend together. He even told me how happy he was. My last relationship had the same issue at around the same time, 3 or 4 months into it. I was having a lot of issues at home and I was pretty messed up and he finally saw just how much. Instead of being compassionate and kind he broke up with me. I got all the lines, he was a mess, he felt numb, he didn't know what he wanted etc etc. I begged him and begged him to stay, I was young and thought I was so in love with him. God only knows why but he stayed with me but the cycle repeated that first year we were together. It destroyed our relationship, or at least changed it. He was no longer what I thought he was and I never really forgave him. I didn't trust how he felt for me, even when he seemed to be sincere, and eventually I started to not care. He sensed this and became insecure...it was kind of sick to be honest. One of us had to have the power of the over. Anyway, my point is that even if your bf changes his mind, it won't be the same for either of you. He's the same age as my ex and I tell you what, my ex didn't mature at all the whole time we were together. As soon as I displayed a less than perfect side he'd lash out and shut down. I'd really advise you to get the heck out of it now. Don't wait around for his head to not be such a mess..to be honest I think he's full of it and wanted out of it before this. There has to be an excuse so they're not the bad guy, so they can blame it on you. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 By nature most people are selfish and self absorbed and he perceived your attack as 'how can she have an attack and do this to ME" as opposed to "how can I help her get through this". Shadow, you'll be fine as long as you understand that he was simply trying to get his needs met and its human nature. I would let him know how much it would have meant if he could have been more supportive and understanding since you do have a medical issue. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 It feels like my whole life is falling apart. join the club, sister Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 I'll post one more thing then leave you to your pity party. If you don't listen to it, my hands are at least clean. Your psychological situation is bad enough that you should stop getting "advice" from random people on the internet who have no training or skill in interpersonal relationship therapy and start getting real advice from a professional who knows you and your unique situation. Your boyfriend leaving you is not the issue. Your serious psychological problems are the issue. Him leaving is merely a symptom. And why are you under the impression that she isn't also seeking advice from a professional? Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Shadow is hardly the craziest chick on here - she simply has been here a while, she is prolific, she is interesting, and likely MORE honest than most posters. I hardly think you are qualified to diagnose her and your tone is so hostile that I question your motivations for even posting on this thread. Shadow, I am so sorry. Do not question or pursue. He WILL be back, but you did nothing wrong here, and if this shows the depth of his ability to feel and committ, WHEW, better now honey....better now..... Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 I`m trying to figure out why members are attacking shadow. She came here for support, feeling terrible about what`s going on with her relationship. Instead of support, some members are holding her over the grill. What kind of place has LS become that abusive behaviours are normal course business? Did shadowplay somehow shoot your dog? Jesus Murphy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 Shadow is hardly the craziest chick on here - she simply has been here a while, she is prolific, she is interesting, and likely MORE honest than most posters. I hardly think you are qualified to diagnose her and your tone is so hostile that I question your motivations for even posting on this thread. Shadow, I am so sorry. Do not question or pursue. He WILL be back, but you did nothing wrong here, and if this shows the depth of his ability to feel and committ, WHEW, better now honey....better now..... Thanks, MM. The supportive comments I've gotten on this thread have helped me through the day. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 So sorry to hear about this, SP. I have no idea what is going through his mind, but rest assure -- this one incident did not break the relationship. And if it did, then he was never fully equipped to be in a serious, committed relationship. You can't go from being in love to breaking up in one fell swoop. It just doesn't make sense. It seems as though he hasn't been able to articulate anything to you yet. I hope you guys talk soon to suss everything out. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Shadow is ... likely MORE honest than most posters...... Once she actually comes out and tells the truth, you mean? There have been plenty of times Shadow hasn't been forthcoming, or outright been dishonest. Thankfully, she does eventually own up to misleading us. But, quite frankly, I'm waiting for the ball to drop in this thread as well. Shadow - just to be clear: There's nothing you're leaving out here, right? Everything is just as you've described it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 (edited) Once she actually comes out and tells the truth, you mean? There have been plenty of times Shadow hasn't been forthcoming, or outright been dishonest. Thankfully, she does eventually own up to misleading us. But, quite frankly, I'm waiting for the ball to drop in this thread as well. Shadow - just to be clear: There's nothing you're leaving out here, right? Everything is just as you've described it? No, there really isn't anything I can think of. I'm just as baffled as everyone. I'm hoping that when we talk, I'll get a clearer sense. Though, if his confusion earlier is any indication, I may not. Edited April 7, 2010 by shadowplay Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 No, there really isn't anything I can think of. I'm just as baffled as everyone. I'm hoping that when we talk, I'll get a clearer sense. Though, if his confusion earlier is any indication, I may not. Okay, that's good to know. Thank you for clarifying. I may have missed it, but when are you going to talk? Do you have a day/time set, or are you playing it by ear? I'm hoping that if this doesn't work out, the end will be from your own conscious decision to look after your best interests. It's very empowering, and you deserve to feel that way for once. I also think CE made some good points based on her experience that you might want to go over again. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 No, there really isn't anything I can think of. I'm just as baffled as everyone. I'm hoping that when we talk, I'll get a clearer sense. Though, if his confusion earlier is any indication, I may not. For whatever reasons (unless he is astonishingly honest or overly blunt, you won't discover exactly why) he has been withdrawing from the relationship for some time. It's probably not grounded in one thing but in several; the biggest issue may be that the initial chemistry has fizzled out. He's young and he's hardly going to be eloquent about why he feels this way -- and would you feel better if he continued to hide these feelings from your further, and started to show his irritation or resentment of you? The best thing to do is to put yourself in protective mode; assume the relationship is over, and if he attempts to offer a break or space, make it clear that it's best you both move on. Don't torture yourself by trying to fit yourself into a place at the cost of your own self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 sp... i havent read the whole thread, and please forgive the bad punctuation - im typing from my phone. imo hes the unreliable one here. you had a panic attack - id say thats an extentuating circumstance for not "being there" for him. of course, your anxiety is sometyhing you should be working on leaving behind you, but by now, he should also be aware that youre not quite there yet. i think if he truly loved you, he'd have been more suipportive and understanding. i think youve fallen off the pedestal here. if you give it some time, maybe hell realize he loves you for you and not the perfect creature he thought you were, but its possible he could be too young to know the difference between love and admiration. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted April 8, 2010 Author Share Posted April 8, 2010 guys, i'm bawling out of control. I just spoke to him over the phone and he wanted to meet me but I told him I needed to know. He said he's not mature enough to be in a relationship now and it's too much for him to juggle with hsi graduation coming up in a year. And that he had spoken to other poeple and they had encouraged him to break up with me lksfjlkjdspiweuiower Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 guys, i'm bawling out of control. I just spoke to him over the phone and he wanted to meet me but I told him I needed to know. He said he's not mature enough to be in a relationship now and it's too much for him to juggle with hsi graduation coming up in a year. And that he had spoken to other poeple and they had encouraged him to break up with me lksfjlkjdspiweuiower Oh shadow !!! Hugs ! Such pain, just ride it baby, not a time to analyize, unless it makes you feel better. This is the worst part, just breathe..... Nothing anyone can say will help, just hope having us here helps you through....... my heart and stomach ache for you........ Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 guys, i'm bawling out of control. I just spoke to him over the phone and he wanted to meet me but I told him I needed to know. He said he's not mature enough to be in a relationship now and it's too much for him to juggle with hsi graduation coming up in a year. And that he had spoken to other poeple and they had encouraged him to break up with me lksfjlkjdspiweuiower Shadow, fist, take a deep breath. BREATHE. I know it hurts so bad right now... but this is NOT about you. It's about HIM. HE is not mature enough to handle a NORMAL, ADULT relationship. You are. HE is not ready. You are. HE is not capable. You are. There is nothing you could have done differently, or can do now, to change what HE is and is not capable of. Argh, I wish I had words of wisdom here... I know how bad it hurts, particularly when it's so swift like this. It's gonna hurt for a while, I can't lie about that. But you WILL be okay. You will. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 my heart and stomach ache for you........ Me too. Man, I've been there... and it sucks major donkey arse. Like MM said, just ride out the pain. You'll make it through... everyone is here to help you. (BTW, he's a pu$$y for doing it over the phone, regardless if you asked him to. ) Link to post Share on other sites
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