I think we might be over

[threebyfate]

guys, i'm bawling out of control. I just spoke to him over the phone and he wanted to meet me but I told him I needed to know. He said he's not mature enough to be in a relationship now and it's too much for him to juggle with hsi graduation coming up in a year. And that he had spoken to other poeple and they had encouraged him to break up with me

 

lksfjlkjdspiweuiower

((hugs)) It`s okay, cry, get it all out.

 

At least he realizes that he`s being an immature and selfish jerk. That he needed to add external reinforcement just adds to his immaturity.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, fist, take a deep breath. BREATHE.

 

I know it hurts so bad right now... but this is NOT about you. It's about HIM. HE is not mature enough to handle a NORMAL, ADULT relationship. You are. HE is not ready. You are. HE is not capable. You are. There is nothing you could have done differently, or can do now, to change what HE is and is not capable of.

 

Argh, I wish I had words of wisdom here... I know how bad it hurts, particularly when it's so swift like this. It's gonna hurt for a while, I can't lie about that. But you WILL be okay. You will.

 

Gah I can barely think or type. What hurst most is it makes no sense. He never told me any of this. It was the opposite. He asked me continually but until yesterday if I would be with him forever and kept saying he'd be devastated if he ever lost me and that he'd do anything to be with me. I mean can you guys make any sense of htis? And both his father and brother encouraged him to break up with me; who knows why. I guess I knew his brother didn't like me but his father hasn't even met me. And now that I think aobut it it seemed as if he was just kind of reiterating what they told him. It's like he came to them all confused, and then they filled his head with these reasons, but they make no sense. Like why does him graduating in a year mean he an't be in a relationship? lsdfkjfslkj;dfjklsdfjdfjlsdfjks

 

I totally, totally trusted him guys.

[spookie]

fcvk him, shadow. i know it hurts, but at least he was honest. He's NOT mature enough to be in a relationship.i hope you know you did nothing wrong, and that there are many guys out there who would value being with you, just as you are.

 

try not to takeon the attitude that you can never trust again. just think about taking it more slowly next time, so you dont trust blindly.

 

youll be done with school soon - a whole new world awaits. imo, its much better than the one youre about to leave behind. try to get excited for the future, all the people and things that are about to come yuour way, that you have no way of foreseeing, from where you stand now.

 

and forget him.

[shadowplay]

I feel like his brother and father are/were threatened by our relationship, because their family so tight knit to the point of being smothering. I KNEW when I spoke to him over the phone that he must have talked to them, because what he was saying didn't fit.

[Star Gazer]

Gah I can barely think or type. What hurst most is it makes no sense. He never told me any of this. It was the opposite. He asked me continually but until yesterday if I would be with him forever and kept saying he'd be devastated if he ever lost me and that he'd do anything to be with me. I mean can you guys make any sense of htis? And both his father and brother encouraged him to break up with me; who knows why. I guess I knew his brother didn't like me but his father hasn't even met me. And now that I think aobut it it seemed as if he was just kind of reiterating what they told him. It's like he came to them all confused, and then they filled his head with these reasons, but they make no sense. Like why does him graduating in a year mean he an't be in a relationship? lsdfkjfslkj;dfjklsdfjdfjlsdfjks

 

I totally, totally trusted him guys.

 

No, like you, I can't make any sense of it. It sounds virtually identical to what my ex-ex-ex-ex did to me with the whole moving-out-while-I-was-at-Disneyland thing. There was nothing but "Oh I love you so much, I want to spend forever with you, blah blah blah"... FFS he even made me breakfast in bed that morning! And then when I came home that evening, he was GONE! There wasn't even a NOTE! WTF?! I didn't even know what had happened, why, etc., for almost 2 weeks! And to this day, there still is no understanding/justification, other than that he "wasn't ready to be in that serious of a relationship" (after nearly 3 years?). It was maddening, just like this will be for a long, long time IF you let it control you.

 

That's why the only thing I can suggest is that you literally chalk this up to pure maddness, and vapid immaturity on his part. He's flipped a switch because he's simply not in touch or in control of his emotions. He's immature to the nth degree, to the point where he's still letting his family dictate his choices.

 

Ugh, this is maddening!

[Star Gazer]

just think about taking it more slowly next time, so you dont trust blindly.

 

youll be done with school soon - a whole new world awaits. imo, its much better than the one youre about to leave behind. try to get excited for the future, all the people and things that are about to come yuour way, that you have no way of foreseeing, from where you stand now.

 

Agreed, 1000000%.

[spookie]

you dont want to be with a man who changes his mind so fast, anyway.

[Kamille]

Argh! I'm so sorry Shadow. And I'm genuinely angry at him!

 

This could have been handled so differently! Sounds like he's totally thinking only of himself. You deserve better than this Shadow. ((hugs))

 

And now that I think about it it seemed as if he was just kind of reiterating what they told him. It's like he came to them all confused, and then they filled his head with these reasons, but they make no sense. Like why does him graduating in a year mean he an't be in a relationship? lsdfkjfslkj;dfjklsdfjdfjlsdfjks

 

I totally, totally trusted him guys.

 

I agree. It makes no sense at all. And this isn't about his father and his brother's perception of you, it's about their perception of him. They think he's too young to be in a relationship and they probably think he "should focus on his education" right now. I'm sorry you're caught in the cross-fire here, but don't internalize this Shadow. As SG said, this isn't about you, it's about him.

[Kamille]

I hope he regrets it one day! I hope he realizes how unfair he's being!

 

He's being so immature.

[threebyfate]

you dont want to be with a man who changes his mind so fast, anyway.

Bottom-line...exactly!

 

I can`t believe he bailed on you now, when you needed him most. And all over something as petty as a project YOU did most of the work on. That he had to do the presentation by himself and used this against you, as an indication of unreliability, considering his own unreliability in this project, is just too ridiculous.

[Citizen Erased]

I'm sorry you're hurt shadow...

 

Influenced by his family or not, his reasons are ridiculous. HE is the one you cannot rely on, that is very clear. I get the feeling you're going to have a lot of questions you may not get any answers to.

 

Hugs, we're here for you sweetie.

[Star Gazer]

Shadow, try to picture your ex-BF running into all of us angry women in this thread, in a dark alley. I hope that brightens your day.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Please don't think that you messed anything up here shadow. Just look back at the relationship, you were loving, open, trusting. You allowed yourself to connect with him on a deep meotional level. Do you know what that means? That means that YOU are capable of having a healthy relationship. He was just not the right guy.

 

You can't control panic attacks shadow, you aren't unreliable. I always thought that the age difference and his inexperience was clearly showing all the way through. From how quickly he was "in love" and now how quickly he gave up.

 

His family didn't help matters either, I know how much my parents influnce my brother when it comes to his girlfriends. If parents don't like the girlfriend or even if they don't like the sound of one, they can "brainwash" him into breaking up.

 

Once upon a time I dated a 19 year old guy when I was 24. We were really into each other but two months later he did the complete 180 and dumped me for no reason. In the end I got it out of him that his mum didn't like me (and I have never even met his mum!) and his mum thought how I am looking to get married (at 24!) and am attempting to trap her son into a serious relationship and marriage. I never wanted to get married before 30. It was ridiculous...

 

I am so sorry that your hurting shadow, but I hope that you do realize how this relationshipo made you grow emotionally. Please hold on to that and try not to let yourself spiral out into the negativity. Allow yourself a few days of doing absolutely nothing and cry as much as you can - it will make you feel better. {{hugs}}

[Jilly Bean]

Hi, Shadow. So sorry to hear about the breakup.

 

I haven't been here in forever, but from this thread, it seems that in a four month relationship, you got pregnant, had an abortion, had a large and scary panic attack, discussed marrying each other, and then you bailed on a school commitment with this guy which caused the breakup.

 

Hmmm...

 

At 22, I can't imagine this is the kind of drama anyone would want. At 22, life should still be relatively carefree. As college students, it should be about parties, life dreams, school work, and storming the Chancellors Office or Student Union to have a sit-in. The stuff you guys went through would kill relationships of more length and with an older couple. At 22, I can fully understand why he ended it. I don't doubt his feelings for you were/are genuine, but I bet it just became too much for the wee lad.

 

I think he was very honest when he said he lacked the maturity for this kind of relationship. I would be thankful he was so forthcoming, as now you can have real closure.

[CLC2008]

Shadow I am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time.

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but I can only assume that you feel abandoned by him, hurt, angry and confused. Which is completely understandable and within your right.

 

But do try to keep in mind that he is only 22 (right?). You two were together for a short period of time and during that time, experienced some pretty traumatic experiences (pregnancy, abortion, etc.).

 

That's emotionally taxing for a relationship as is, let alone two people who are in a relationship that is still developing, two people who are very young (him more so). The majority of the male population's emotional maturity and capacity is much different from ours.

 

But from what I recall, he was there by your side through most of it and like others have said, this just so happened to be the straw that broke the camels back.

 

He reached his capacity and bolted.

 

Being that he is still very young, and with surrounding circumstances, he is evidently not equipped to be in a relationship at this stage in his life.

 

I know it doesn't make it hurt any less and you will be okay.

[LoveLace]

Wow, that's just so sudden..

 

What struck me was this "he thought I was perfect"....to me that's the problem here...I mean, we all have our not so perfect things right? He saw one of those things in you and took it too personally, if you ask me. Have you ever let him down before? Does he know that panic attacks are not something we can always get control over?

 

So something not so perfect about you was out of your control for a moment and he's - overly - disappointed..and does he consider that you were already disappointed in your own ability to let him down? I don't care HOW much we love each other, ya try to do your part 100% of the time but "try" is the key word and what should be considered and accepted if that 100% becomes 99% once in a while.

 

If his expectations of you are in a perfect world, this wouldn't be the first time he'd feel "let down" by you or anyone else...is he a perfectionist in general? An organizational freak? Not meaning freak in an insulting sense...but in the obsessive sense..just in my experience this kind of personality is easily critical of others...

 

Sure, I might feel slightly abandoned or let down by the partner not showing with me, but in the end I would likely find some compassion...I understand you panicked...it was just fine without you and it's okay, these things happen sometimes, I know you didn't mean to disappoint me. And if this is something you should work on for yourself, I'd like to help...or wait I'm sorry, is that expecting something too "perfect"?

 

I think YOUR the one who should feel let down...but it sounds like you kind of do feel that way...because of his response to something inperfect about yourself. Now I'd feel like I was walking on eggshells after that..but you SHOULD feel like it's okay to show at least SOME weaknesses because he still loves you no matter what...I mean, really...

 

Just my opinion...

[Hot Carl]

Hi, Shadow. I'm sorry to hear that it ended like this. Don't blame yourself. You can learn from this, and maybe that's the best you could have hoped for anyway. Send PMs to that green "robot" guy if you need support or just want to vent. He's been through a few breakups and knows where the pitfalls are in the recovery process.

 

Hang in there. Someday this guy will be completely irrelevant and you'll feel happy when you think about it.

[LoveLace]

Oh I didn't get through the whole thread so I'm sorry if I've missed something...but if it's really over, all the best, he seems a bit too controlling over your emotions and of course you don't want that...some seem to think that supporting you earns them the right to be this way and that's wrong..it'll be okay.

[Jaytb]

guys, i'm bawling out of control. I just spoke to him over the phone and he wanted to meet me but I told him I needed to know. He said he's not mature enough to be in a relationship now and it's too much for him to juggle with hsi graduation coming up in a year. And that he had spoken to other poeple and they had encouraged him to break up with me

 

lksfjlkjdspiweuiower

 

Mashing your keyboard and breaking it won't help .

 

But anyways, yes, he isn't mature enough. Like me. lol. Once upon a time, I had a fight with my gf. She acted mad at me. I thought the issue was trite and meaningless, but what I thought was not shared by her. I had to learn that other people can react differently to different situations and don't always share my opinion. And I can be wrong some of the time (or maybe most of the time, who knows lol).

 

So I think he's kind of like this, he couldn't understand your panic attack because it's probably something he's never faced. It is thus something he could not deal with. And some of guys don't want to deal with something head-on, we want to ignore it or run away from it. So that's what we do, until we're forced to handle it. I guess we can only call ourselves mature when we learn to face whatever it is head-on.

[pandagirl]

Ugh, this makes me so angry!

 

It's like as long he lived in this world of "Shadowplay is Perfect" he was happy, and as soon as he felt something less than, he couldn't handle it and bolted. While he was a supportive and caring boyfriend in the relationship, a relationship is about understanding and true commitment.

 

You always mentioned how emotionally well-adjusted he was. Well, maybe it's because he appears this way when HE is feeling great, when everything makes "sense" in HIS world. Once that glass house was cracked, he couldn't deal with it and that -- that does not make a good life partner.

[Isolde]

I agree that you are ready and he isn't. Keep repeating these words to yourself instead of trying to analyze something that he can't or won't break down for you.

[LoveLace]

Perhaps not being mature enough for the relationship plays a part, but it also almost sounds like a well thought out excuse of sorts that is supposed to neither hurt you or make him look bad. I still think the issue is his inability to flat out have compassion and understanding for anothers issues. In other words this reaction to make it about HIM and bail probably also applies to other friendships in his life, and I don't think immaturity is a sole requirement to being that way.

 

Either way, real devastating and I guess healing without him is the next step...good luck...

[shadowplay]

I'm really exhausted right now, so I'll get into more this later.

 

I just finished speaking to him for several hours in person. We were supposed to meet at my house (his idea), so I came by and he was sitting outside on the front lawn. I sat down next to him. About ten minutes later his brother came by in his big black van, window open, and stopped on the side of the street right in front of where we were talking. I looked at my boyfriend, and was like, wtf is this about?

 

He said he had told his brother to pick him up at a certain time, and he said his brother is just going to hang out there while we talk. I was like I'm not going to talk with your brother right there. I couldn't believe his brother came by like that. It seemed like his brother was almost trying to intimidate me or acting like some sort of protection. Or as if he was there as support to make sure my boyfriend didn't change his mind. It felt totally humiliating. I asked my bf to come inside so we could have some privacy, and for awhile he refused, but finally he did.

 

He told me that he'd basically been accumulating little grievances and he didn't even know he had any problems with me until it was all triggered by me not going last night. I asked him to be specific, and he had a lot of trouble. He said it was mostly related to the fact that I sometimes get insecure about myself or my ability to do things. This surprised me, because I've made a point of not bringing this stuff up much with him. He acknowledged that I rarely put any unfair demands on him. He just said the effect of me having this anxiety was that he worried about me all the time, and his preoccupation with that had been negatively impacting his schoolwork and other things. And he hadn't even realized any of this until last night.

 

He said he was all confused and then he spoke to his brother. Remember how I was worried his brother hated me? Well, I was right. My bf always adamantly denied it, and I think he actually believed that his brother liked me until the conversation they had tonight. As far as I could tell it was one of those things where my boyfriend mentioned we were having problems and his brother took the opportunity to totally rip into me. He told my boyfriend that he had had the impression all along I treated my boyfriend like ****. Of course, this is entirely untrue and he never witnessed me treating my boyfriend badly. He just assumed this was the case because he noticed my boyfriend seemed stressed out often (probably because of the abortion). My boyfriend told his brother how sweet I am to him, but it didn't convince him.

 

OK, I'm falling asleep. I'll finish this later.

[shadowplay]

OMG guys. OMG. I have no words for what just happened.

[threebyfate]

I get the impression that your bf didn`t tell his family about the abortion.