I think we might be over

[shadowplay]

---- basically to conclude the last post we agreed to work things out.

 

He went back to his place to get some stuff and promised me he'd be back in a few minutes. He promised me over and over that he would be back and that we were going to try to work this out and he wouldn't let his brother convince him otherwise. He told me to trust him and he wouldn't do something like this to me (not coming back after he promised).

 

Well, I just got a call from him literally seconds ago. I could tell his brother was in the background because what he said sounded totally scripted.

 

He said "I'm sorry Shadow this isn't going to work out. Goodbye." And then hung up. He sounded like a robot.

 

I really have no words. He looked into my eyes so many times before he left the house and kept saying over and over that he'd be right back and he wouldn't hurt me again by breaking my trust.

 

No words.

 

Guys, as horribly as I was hurting four hours ago, NOTHING compares to htis. Nothing.

Edited April 8, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I feel like in some sort of snighltmare. Somebody please wake me up. This is too painful.

[threebyfate]

((hugs)) shadow.

 

This sucks bad. I can`t believe he promised, then reneged.

[SadandConfusedWA]

He sounds weak, conflicted and a people pleaser. When he is with you, he can't say no to you and when he is with his borther he can't say no to him. I can't really tell what it is that *HE* really wants.

 

Hang in there shadow and try to get some sleep.

[threebyfate]

Yes, he does sound weak and a people pleaser. This is nuts that he can`t stand up to his family.

 

I feel so badly for you, that you got shafted over a power play. This is nuts.

[shadowplay]

I spoke to my dad tonight, and he said something interesting.

 

He said that while he liked S, there was something a little off about him. My dad says that whenever he meets somebody he tries to understand what makes them tick and S was hard to read. He said it was almost like S seemed too good, like usually you can detect somebody's limits or their dislikes, but with S you couldn't.

 

Tomorrow morning I have to get myself out of bed and go to a class that S has with me. How the heck am I going to do that? I feel like I"m going to fall apart on the spot.

[shadowplay]

What hurt so bad is how he looked into my eyes and kept saying (volunteering), I promise you I will be right back Shadow, and I promise you I won't not come back. He even said that would be horrible to do to me. And this was after I was sobbing in his arms earlier about how everyone I had ever trusted in my life had betrayed me. And then to get that robotic message from him over the phone. I feel like vomitting.

[Jaytb]

What hurt so bad is how he looked into my eyes and kept saying (volunteering), I promise you I will be right back Shadow, and I promise you I won't not come back. He even said that would be horrible to do to me. And this was after I was sobbing in his arms earlier about how everyone I had ever trusted in my life had betrayed me. And then to get that robotic message from him over the phone. I feel like vomitting.

 

He's a good liar.

[shadowplay]

I'm probably being ridiculous, but I've been having suicidal thoughts, guys. I haven't in a long time. I just can't think of any good reason to be alive. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone period, and everyone I've ever trusted has hurt me. I feel like I can't imagine it working with anyone if he would do this to me. Somebody who seemed totally healthy, loving and trustworthy. And is there any point in living without love? My whole world is falling apart. I lost my job, things aren't going great in school and now I lost the most important person to me in the world....and in such a harsh, out of the blue way. I have no faith in myself or in anybody. I feel like anybody will betray me in a heartbeat.

[Jaytb]

I'm probably being ridiculous, but I've been having suicidal thoughts, guys. I haven't in a long time. I just can't think of any good reason to be alive. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone period, and everyone I've ever trusted has hurt me. I feel like I can't imagine it working with anyone if he would do this to me. Somebody who seemed totally healthy, loving and trustworthy. And is there any point in living without love? My whole world is falling apart. I lost my job, things aren't going great in school and now I lost the most important person to me in the world....and in such a harsh, out of the blue way. I have no faith in myself or in anybody. I feel like anybody will betray me in a heartbeat.

 

you know it's possible for him to be a psychopath. Regardless, I bet there's someone out there who could make you feel 100's times more loved than he did.

[threebyfate]

I'm probably being ridiculous, but I've been having suicidal thoughts, guys. I haven't in a long time. I just can't think of any good reason to be alive. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone period, and everyone I've ever trusted has hurt me. I feel like I can't imagine it working with anyone if he would do this to me. Somebody who seemed totally healthy, loving and trustworthy. And is there any point in living without love? My whole world is falling apart. I lost my job, things aren't going great in school and now I lost the most important person to me in the world....and in such a harsh, out of the blue way. I have no faith in myself or in anybody. I feel like anybody will betray me in a heartbeat.

No way, this direction is not the way you want to go.

 

Yes, you`re hurting. Yes, you`ve had things go badly lately. I have nothing but sympathy and compassion for the pain you`re going through right now.

 

But don`t you dare think of suicide. Life turns itself around from the darkest time to something that sparkles and is beautiful to behold.

 

Remember I was cheated on by the ex-H. But I learned to trust again, even though I loved him with every part of my heart. I thought I was in hell when I found out.

 

Now look at my life. It`s turned completely around.

 

Don`t give up shadow. ((hugs))

[shadowplay]

you know it's possible for him to be a psychopath. Regardless, I bet there's someone out there who could make you feel 100's times more loved than he did.

 

That's the thing. Nobody has ever made me feel as loved as he did before this happened. Which is why I feel like something that seemed this good can't possibly ever happen to me.

[shadowplay]

OK, guys. I'm just going to sleep. I'm not going to do anything. It's just that these thoughts pass through me.

[Jaytb]

That's the thing. Nobody has ever made me feel as loved as he did before this happened. Which is why I feel like something that seemed this good can't possibly ever happen to me.

 

ever heard that appearances can be deceiving? Reality is that it was just an illusion. I bet you can find someone to give you that feeling and mature enough not to abandon you when you're down.

[shadowplay]

Was I too nice and loving, guys? I'm trying to understand what I did wrong.

 

This is the first time I've been consistently sweet, caring, trusting and giving to somebody, and also the first time someone has dumped me totally out of the blue with close to no provocation. The cynic in me just wonders if the two are somehow related. With other relationships there were already very apparent problems, I knew far in advance, and often I had directly done something that contributed to them.

 

All along, I felt like, "wow, if I really treat somebody with respect, they will return it." Previous to this relationship I had a very cynical view, that you needed to play games in order to keep a guy or be somebody you weren't. This relationship made me completely overturn that belief, but now I feel like I'm back to square one. Was I too open? Did I love him too much?

 

I can't seem to make sense of this.

Edited April 8, 2010 by shadowplay

[boogieboy]

it makes perfect sense. He was into you, probably still is...I think he meant his words...but his family is practically holding a shotgun to his head to break it off. That wou7ld explain his demeanor. Since he's 22, his brother and dad are telling him that he's going through too much stress for a guy his age right now...

You will see past this in a couple months, you will realize that you dont want a guy who cant think for himself. Its possible that he is a doormat to his family and will live his life according to them, that would be quite a battle on your hands in the future.

[Kamille]

Shadow, please try and avoid blaming yourself. This isn't about you and one day soon you will realize it. This one is on him. He's right: he's too immature to be in a serious relationship now.

 

I wish there was a way to fast forward through the pain. I've been in a short-lived relationship where someone pulled a complete 180 on me. It hurts. I found it hard to breathe at first. I spent the first few days huddled on the floor.

 

I feel that once you get through the hurt, the pain, and the betrayal you will realize that the bottom line is that you're ready to love but he wasn't. You found a way to love and be in a relationship that felt great to you, but, sadly, S wasn't mature enough to live up to it.

 

Hang in there Shadow. Give yourself some time to heal - and you will heal from this I promise you.

 

It sounds like your dad is very supportive of you. Could you stay at your parents this weekend?

[bayouboi]

No way, this direction is not the way you want to go.

 

Yes, you`re hurting. Yes, you`ve had things go badly lately. I have nothing but sympathy and compassion for the pain you`re going through right now.

 

But don`t you dare think of suicide. Life turns itself around from the darkest time to something that sparkles and is beautiful to behold.

 

Remember I was cheated on by the ex-H. But I learned to trust again, even though I loved him with every part of my heart. I thought I was in hell when I found out.

 

Now look at my life. It`s turned completely around.

 

Don`t give up shadow. ((hugs))

 

I echo TBF here.

 

I've come to the realization that it's our trials & tribulations that forge us into stronger characters. If everything went perfect for us all the time, we would surely be weak individuals. I am sorry that you are having to endure your current pains but know that you will come out a stronger person on the other side of time.

 

Like TBF, I was cheated on by my ex-wife and it was hell to get through for me as well. Even though my life hasn't turned completely around yet like it did for TBF, I hold to the hope that one day things will get better.

 

Shadow, I'm paraphrasing where you said that "life without love isn't worth living", but I would challenge you to instead embrace that "life without hope isn't worth living". You don't need this love, you just need to take hope.

[shadowplay]

I echo TBF here.

 

I've come to the realization that it's our trials & tribulations that forge us into stronger characters. If everything went perfect for us all the time, we would surely be weak individuals. I am sorry that you are having to endure your current pains but know that you will come out a stronger person on the other side of time.

 

Like TBF, I was cheated on by my ex-wife and it was hell to get through for me as well. Even though my life hasn't turned completely around yet like it did for TBF, I hold to the hope that one day things will get better.

 

Shadow, I'm paraphrasing where you said that "life without love isn't worth living", but I would challenge you to instead embrace that "life without hope isn't worth living". You don't need this love, you just need to take hope.

 

I feel like the world doesn't work like that for me. It must be some flaw in myself, but whenever things get worse for me they either stay bad or get progressively worse. I have so much trouble recovering from setbacks, and also, I seem to have nasty luck.

 

It's scary because I'm unable to look to a time where I overcame some huge obstacle and things turned out for the better. Often they'll seem temporarily better in the short term and then sour again.

 

This relationship felt like a total blessing to me. It seemed too good to be true, because stuff like that almost never happens to me. Just two days ago I was walking home and thinking to myself how lucky I was, and almost wondering if God existed (I'm typically atheist), because the way S and I got together was so magical and it had been really improving my confidence in all aspects of life. All seems rather silly to think about now.

 

I think the worst part of it is that it took me so long to completely open up to him because of my trust issues (being burned in the past), and all along the way he pushed me in that direction, assuring me that he would never in a million years hurt me. In reality his behavior in this breakup has been crueler than anything I've ever gone through, because with other guys they never led me on up to the last minute.

 

I honestly just don't know how I an trust again, because I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone, and he hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. It makes me wonder if there's anyone trustworthy out there. I thought he was so healthy.

[shadowplay]

Another thing to consider is that EVERY relationship I've been with the family has gotten involved and either destroyed the relationship or seriously damaged it. For whatever reason, the family always takes a dislike to me and whenever my boyfriend at the time turns to them to advice, they alway encourage him to dump me even if it's unjustified.

 

I think it's partly because I'm so shy and they interpret that as unfriendliness, despite the fact that I do go out of my way to try to befriend them. I'd really been making a campaign to make friends with his brother. I even bought him a birthday present. It seems like none of that ever makes a difference. They always dislike me.

 

I think it's also because every guy I've gotten involved with has had a family that is over-bearing and controlling to different degrees. Is my man-picker off? Or is it just bad luck?

 

Seriously, this has been a problem in every relationship.

Edited April 8, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

My boyfriend said something interesting to me last night. He said that if we were to ever get married, he would not be able to place me as a first priority above his family. He also said that if his brother didn't like me he would probably be forced to end things with me eventually, because it would cause a chain reaction where it would sour his relationship with his brother, which would sour his relationship with his family. He said this all has something to do with the way he was raised. Is it just me, or is there something a wee bit off seeming about his family?

[Kamille]

My vote as to your choices goes to both of the above people picker and bad luck.

 

Bad luck: there's no way you could have known, upon meeting and falling for him that his family would be over-bearing.

 

People-picker: you did sense that your bf was still greatly under the influence of his family and it did bother you. By then you were already madly in love with him so you did the mature thing and you tried to find ways to work with it. But, again, his family became a problem because he hasn't acquired the maturity to draw the line between what he wants and what they want.

 

The only solution to this is to really take things slow and get to know the person before committing to someone emotionally.

[anne1707]

Is it just me, or is there something a wee bit off seeming about his family?

 

That's more than a wee bit off.

 

One of the main points in marriage is creating a new family unit which should be the priority to both husband and wife. As for his brother's opinion being so important, that just makes me think your boyfriend is weak and easily manipulated.

 

Sorry but in the long term, I think you are better off out of this relationship

[shadowplay]

My vote as to your choices goes to both of the above people picker and bad luck.

 

Bad luck: there's no way you could have known, upon meeting and falling for him that his family would be over-bearing.

 

People-picker: you did sense that your bf was still greatly under the influence of his family and it did bother you. By then you were already madly in love with him so you did the mature thing and you tried to find ways to work with it. But, again, his family became a problem because he hasn't acquired the maturity to draw the line between what he wants and what they want.

 

The only solution to this is to really take things slow and get to know the person before committing to someone emotionally.

 

I agree with your points. What I'm still trying to wrap my head around is how I keep getting involved with guys who have over-bearing families. It's hard for me to find strong commonalities between the guys I've been with, but there must be something.

[Kamille]

My boyfriend said something interesting to me last night. He said that if we were to ever get married, he would not be able to place me as a first priority above his family. He also said that if his brother didn't like me he would probably be forced to end things with me eventually, because it would cause a chain reaction where it would sour his relationship with his brother, which would sour his relationship with his family. He said this all has something to do with the way he was raised. Is it just me, or is there something a wee bit off seeming about his family?

 

That statement makes him sound like a six year old. He's completely relinquishing control of his life to his family. Sounds like he might as well ask them to arrange the marriage!

 

My parents are over-bearing and never once did they think either my or my sister's boyfriends were good enough for us. My sister and I have learned to ignore my parents on this front. We would never be able to find anyone they would like anyway.

 

But the problem isn't his family. The problem is, as you've pointed out in the past, that he's a people pleaser. The other problem is that he hasn't acquired the maturity to be able to negotiate boundaries with his family.