I think we might be over

[shadowplay]

That statement makes him sound like a six year old. He's completely relinquishing control of his life to his family. Sounds like he might as well ask them to arrange the marriage!

 

My parents are over-bearing and never once did they think either my or my sister's boyfriends were good enough for us. My sister and I have learned to ignore my parents on this front. We would never be able to find anyone they would like anyway.

 

But the problem isn't his family. The problem is, as you've pointed out in the past, that he's a people pleaser. The other problem is that he hasn't acquired the maturity to be able to negotiate boundaries with his family.

 

How do you respond to something like that when somebody responds "that's just the way I was raised" and gets offended if I take issue with it because they see it as a criticism of "how [they] were raised?"

[Kamille]

How do you respond to something like that when somebody responds "that's just the way I was raised" and gets offended if I take issue with it because they see it as a criticism of "how [they] were raised?"

 

 

 

There is nothing to respond. It would be a deal-breaker for me and if I said anything it would probably be : "Call me when you grow up". He's the one who's putting his family between you and him. He's conveniently using his family as an excuse to end the relationship. And, not only that, he's the one who's putting discussing family off-limit.

 

He's losing you Shadow. You're a sweet, lovely, sensitive, bright, creative, beautiful woman. Don't beg for his love and don't try to argue his reasons for leaving. You deserve better than that and.. You're better than that.

[Kamille]

You know what I find to be most frustrating about his whole "family" line:

 

He's not even taking responsibility for the break up!

 

The same goes for holding your panic attack and a list of grievances against you.

 

He wanted an idyllic romance and is far from being responsible and mature enough to deal with real human relationships. His family probably offers him a catered environment where nothing he ever does is wrong. That's why he can't handle you taking issue with it - or quite possibly anything.

 

He can't imagine himself hurting anyone or doing anything wrong, so he's using everything at his disposal to justify his actions without taking responsibility for them.

[shadowplay]

There is nothing to respond. It would be a deal-breaker for me and if I said anything it would probably be : "Call me when you grow up". He's the one who's putting his family between you and him. He's conveniently using his family as an excuse to end the relationship. And, not only that, he's the one who's putting discussing family off-limit.

 

He's losing you Shadow. You're a sweet, lovely, sensitive, bright, creative, beautiful woman. Don't beg for his love and don't try to argue his reasons for leaving. You deserve better than that and.. You're better than that.

 

Thanks, Kamille. It's words like this that are helping me get through the day. It's so hard. I have a class with him in an hour, and that's going to be so difficult. I don't know what will be worse him being there or him not being there and wondering if I'll ever see him again.

[Kamille]

Namely, taking responsibility for himself would have involved:

 

discussing issues with you as they came up, instead of building a list of grievances.

 

Then ask you for your input and try to find compromises together (instead of, say, running to his family).

 

telling you that doing the presentation together was important to him ahead of time (and not after)

[Kamille]

Thanks, Kamille. It's words like this that are helping me get through the day.

 

I mean every word Shadow. I think you have so much going for you and I hate to see you have to go through this. You haven't had it easy at all and yet, here you are, already trying to figure out how to cope with this and how to emerge stronger from it. You've got what it takes Shadow and one day you will look back on this year with love, empathy and awe for the person you are now and how strong you are.

 

Basically, I'm rooting for you.

 

It's so hard. I have a class with him in an hour, and that's going to be so difficult. I don't know what will be worse him being there or him not being there and wondering if I'll ever see him again.

 

I cannot count how often my heart has been broken. I've tried it all. Begging, trying to argue his reasons for leaving away, etc. I've learned one thing: at this point, avoid conversation as much as you can. You have nothing to prove to him and in fact, he's the one who's betraying you.

 

I have found the best way to deal with having to be in presence with an ex is to tell them: "I understand it's over and I accept your reasons for ending things" (even though I never really did understand). Then I would just proceed with my life. (In this case, walk away, sit down, and wait for class to begin).

 

This is the most dignified way to handle things and... vengeful but... It usually throws them for a loop. Try it.

[sunshinegirl]

Oh Shadow, I'm sorry to hear all of this. What a complete shock to the system.

 

Frankly, he sounds like an immature punk. (((hugs)))

[Stockalone]

I am terribly sorry to hear what has happened since yesterday.

 

A break-up is bad enough, but he really should be ashamed of himself for how he did it.

 

 

How do you respond to something like that when somebody responds "that's just the way I was raised" and gets offended if I take issue with it because they see it as a criticism of "how [they] were raised?"

 

You could reply with "In that case, you should build yourself a Stepford wife or marry your brother."

 

Come to think of it, maybe he is a Stepford son...

 

I apologize if my attempt at humour isn't something that helps you right now. But some sarcasm usually helps me if things look rather bleak.

 

Seriously though, I think it is entirely possible that he has been sort of brainwashed. He probably had some questions he needed answers to (how to deal with the abortion, how being in a relationship can change/affect his usual routine, how he needs to manage his time better to also get his studies done) and turned to his family for advice/guidance. He is close with them and I am sure he trusts them to tell him what is best for him.

 

Unfortunately, they apparently jumped at the chance to talk him into breaking up with you. I don't know why they did that, but if they are against you, it takes a lot of effort to stand up to them.

 

A good friend of mine got married last year to his first gf, and his parents didn't approve of her. They did show up for the wedding but now they haven't spoken to him in months. The decision was hard for him and he still feels bad about the whole situation. That is not something you can easily shrug off.

 

However, he was raised to be independent, and to live his own life. He hasn't been home much since he went to college. And he is also 30 years old. That made it possible for him to stand up to his parents. Someone like your bf who is still young and that close and/or maybe still relying on his family for guidance would have a much harder time to go against their advice/wishes.

 

What I find inexcusable is that he left you out of the loop the entire time and merely presented you with the end result while telling you nothing was wrong. That is a terrible thing to do to someone you love. I believe he will learn this the hard way. He certainly deserves it.

 

I am also sure that none of this is helpful to you right now. But my point is that this really has nothing to do with you. It takes two to make a relationship work. Just as it takes two to get pregnant, and that such a traumatic event takes it's toll on you is normal. If the abortion was something that caused him to have doubts, then you are not to blame.

 

It's important that you keep telling yourself that. And as far as the panic attacks are concerned, if there is something you can do to possibly prevent them, then that is something you should look into. Maybe there are breathing techniques that can help when a panic attacks strikes, things like that. Still, they are out of your control too, so having a panic attack isn't your fault either.

 

If you look at it as an outside observer, what happened was that the relationship had obstacles to overcome and that it wasn't all sunshine. If that scares him, nobody can help him.

 

He can't be sheltered from life. You can't do that (nor should you try) and neither can his family.

 

It's very sad to see this happening to you. My life isn't going so great, so it's always nice to see my friends or some of you guys on LS having better luck. And now you gut hurt after choosing to be vulnerable and trusting him. That really sucks, but at least you had the guts to try. That's something to be proud of.

Edited April 8, 2010 by Stockalone

[sunshinegirl]

What I find inexcusable is that he left you out of the loop the entire time and merely presented you with the end result while telling you nothing was wrong. That is a terrible thing to do to someone you love. I believe he will learn this the hard way. He certainly deserves it.

 

I agree 100% with this. It has happened twice to me - the out of the blue breakup that had no forewarning. Completely devastating both times (one in 2005, the other in 2008) and it took me forEVER to get over each guy, and took me even longer to thank the angels in heaven that they showed me their stripes and removed themselves from my life. As painful as those breakups were, it would have been WAY more horrible to stay with either of those men long-term because they clearly didn't know how to communicate.

 

So, I guess two things that I hope are helpful:

 

(1) You won't always feel this horrible. It will get better. There will be joy, love, happiness in your life again. Promise!

 

(2) You may eventually feel thankful that he chose to remove himself from your life, because his exit made it possible for someone or something even more wonderful to enter it.

 

That sounds like a Hallmark cliche, I know, but I have found it to be entirely true. Every time I have been convinced that I could never love, or be loved, more than in whatever relationship just ended horribly, I have been wrong. EVERY TIME.

[Leia]

My boyfriend said something interesting to me last night. He said that if we were to ever get married, he would not be able to place me as a first priority above his family. He also said that if his brother didn't like me he would probably be forced to end things with me eventually, because it would cause a chain reaction where it would sour his relationship with his brother, which would sour his relationship with his family. He said this all has something to do with the way he was raised. Is it just me, or is there something a wee bit off seeming about his family?

 

I've been reading this thread since you started it but I didn't post cos everyone has given you great advice but reading this post of yours, I had to chime in.

 

Shadow, I'm currently seeing a guy that puts his family above everyone else. Just recently, he has decided to marry someone within his race cos his mother wants him to. We love one another very much but his love for is not enough for him to stand up for himself.

 

My point is that if a guy, even a girl says that his/her family comes first even after marriage then truly he isn't the one you want to end up with. I thought I could but the more I think about it, I cannot be with someone that would not put me first, after marriage.

 

I know it hurts right now and like Kamille, I wish we could fast forward the pain right now

[shadowplay]

He skipped the class that we're in together.

[threebyfate]

He skipped the class that we're in together.

Brave guy, huh?

 

His weakness is coming through, loud and clear now. He's too afraid to face you and doesn't want to accept responsibility for his actions. Here's the guy that used the lame excuse of reliability and now, who flaked last night after promising more than once.

[Hot Carl]

My boyfriend said something interesting to me last night. He said that if we were to ever get married, he would not be able to place me as a first priority above his family. He also said that if his brother didn't like me he would probably be forced to end things with me eventually, because it would cause a chain reaction where it would sour his relationship with his brother, which would sour his relationship with his family. He said this all has something to do with the way he was raised. Is it just me, or is there something a wee bit off seeming about his family?

 

So before you met him, were you telling yourself "the perfect guy for me will be one who can't put me first above his family and who can't make a decision without his brother's approval! That's the perfect guy for me! What a catch!"

[Star Gazer]

Oh Shadow, I'm so sorry to read these updates this morning...

 

Was I too nice and loving, guys? I'm trying to understand what I did wrong.

 

You did nothing wrong, Shadow. This is all on him. As soon as you got to the point of true intimacy (showing real pieces of yourself), rather than accept you as a real human being, he allowed his family to dictate his life choices. He's a little boy, Shadow. You are a vibrant woman, who deserves more than what he's given you.

 

I would say that I hope he regrets this, but the truth is, I already know he will.

 

I really have nothing more to add beyond that which Kamille has said - all of her posts have taken the words right out of my mouth. But these are worth repeating:

 

I think you have so much going for you and I hate to see you have to go through this. You haven't had it easy at all and yet, here you are, already trying to figure out how to cope with this and how to emerge stronger from it. You've got what it takes Shadow and one day you will look back on this year with love, empathy and awe for the person you are now and how strong you are.

 

Basically, I'm rooting for you.

 

I cannot count how often my heart has been broken. I've tried it all. Begging, trying to argue his reasons for leaving away, etc. I've learned one thing: at this point, avoid conversation as much as you can. You have nothing to prove to him and in fact, he's the one who's betraying you.

 

You're a sweet, lovely, sensitive, bright, creative, beautiful woman. Don't beg for his love and don't try to argue his reasons for leaving. You deserve better than that and.. You're better than that.

 

For some people, love just comes easy. For others, like you and I, we have to go through some serious battles and falls before it all falls into place. Like Kam, I've had my heart broken more times than I can count, and luckily now, more times than I can even REMEMBER! One time it was a short-lived relationship where he pulled a 180, and another time it was after almost 3 years together and 2 living together. It hurt like a mo-fo. But I learned to trust again, and again, and again, and ultimately, wound up with the absolute perfect guy for me, about to live happily ever after. This will happen for you too, I'm certain of it.

 

We're all here for you, Shadow. You know how to reach me if you want to.

[Els]

I'm so very, very sorry, Shadow. Sometimes it does happen out of the blue, and sometimes we're left reeling. Sometimes I do wonder if it's safer never to put your heart out on the line.

 

I truly hope that someday you'll find someone who won't do that to you - and for what it's worth, I think he was a total pussy.

[Dolos]

My boyfriend said something interesting to me last night. He said that if we were to ever get married, he would not be able to place me as a first priority above his family. He also said that if his brother didn't like me he would probably be forced to end things with me eventually, because it would cause a chain reaction where it would sour his relationship with his brother, which would sour his relationship with his family. He said this all has something to do with the way he was raised. Is it just me, or is there something a wee bit off seeming about his family?

 

This really stood out for me. Between this and some of the other stuff you have mentioned in this thread i see a real similarity between your (ex?) bf and one of my close friends on again off again girlfriend. The first time she broke up with my friend (Now that i think about it its pretty bad i have to specify "first time") it was completely out of the blue, a lot like your situation. She came over to our apartment (Hes also my roomate) for dinner and proceeded to bring up a slew of issues she never brought up before (Most of which were very minor and made no sense), then proceeded to say that she had to break up with him because of pressure from the family. She even had a family member drive her over, then wait outside for her to do it, and when she wasn't back out in 10 minutes the family member started calling her over and over again until she came out. There are other similarities beyond the family stuff too, the people pleasing, the conflict avoidance, really pretty much everything you said about him meshes.

 

I dont know if this will make you feel better or worse, but nothing that happened could have been avoided. He is emotionally dependent on his family, and until that changes hes going to be a total slave to them, and it may never change. When the family pressured him into breaking up with you the thought of telling them "no" just did not occur to him, its not even a choice in his mind. It may be difficult to understand, but with people like that its just the way it is. The way he sees it he didn't want to break up with you, he just had absolutely no choice in the matter, insane as that sounds. It may not have shown until recently, but im sure if you look back there were warning signs of it. I know in my friends case the girl seems well adjusted, and intelligent at first glance, i mean she goes to a very good school (Think ivy league and in Cambridge), but it all comes out eventually.

 

Hes going to be back too. It might take a week, it might take a couple months, but i can guarantee you hes going to try and get back together with you at some point, because like i said before he didn't really want to break up with you, he just caved to family pressure. The best advice i can give you is to ignore him when he does come back, because as he is now you will never be the most important person in his life. His family will always come before you, and its really not likely to change. You have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone like that.

[shadowplay]

Sorry, this is long, but I would really appreciate any input. There's a lot running through my head right now and I'm going to jot it all down.

 

So I saw him. He had his phone turned off, but I felt I had to talk to him. I did my work this morning and got myself to school, but I was shaking in class and even the teacher look concern. I'll admit I wasn't being rational. Maybe it was the wrong decision, but I went to his house, and knocked on the door.

 

He answered it and said he couldn’t talk to me. This is really weird, but the moment I saw him I started dry heaving out of control. The only time I've ever actually vomited in recent years is when I was pregnant, so this bodily reaction was really weird.

 

Finally, I calmed down, and convinced him to talk with me. I started sobbing and told him how much what he did last night totally crushed me and how he was being so cruel with how he handled the breakup that I couldn’t believe he was the same person I loved. I told him that my insides felt torn apart and I had never felt this kind of pain in my life. The sad thing is he seemed very detached. I didn’t get the feeling he really cared. He only offered a limp sorry or two. It was so different from the guy I knew. I told him I loved him so much. He wouldn’t let me even touch him.

 

So it turns out he didn’t even talk to his brother last night before he called me with the robotic voice. He had changed his mind on the way home and then made the call, which almost makes it worse. He didn’t seem to think it was wrong. I told him that the mature, decent thing would have been to have come back to my place as he had promised me over and over and told me there. But he said he wasn’t strong enough to do that, so he didn’t regret it. He said that if he had come back he I would have just convinced him to give me a chance.

 

Basically, he said that what happened all of a sudden, with no warning, something broke inside of him in regards to his feelings for the relationship, and that was it. And he knew himself enough to know there was no going back. He could barely give me a reason, and claimed he didn’t even really understand what it was himself. But he said he was just going with the feeling and acting on that, and that trying to work things out didn’t make sense because he should just go with what he feels.

 

He said he realized that in our relationship, he couldn't distinguish between his needs and my needs. That the focus in his mind became totally on my needs, and not even on helping me since I rarely asked for help, but just on worrying about me. (I had absolutely no clue this was the case.) And in the process he neglected his needs. But the sense I got, this isn't what he told me but what I inferred based on his lack of empathy and his chillingly cruel handling of the break up, was that he was now going to the opposite extreme. He was thinking only of himself, and not considering how unfair and hurtful his actions are to the person he claimed to love deeply. It's like he couldn't deal with any balance -- he had to be either totally selfless or totally selfish. I just find it so bizarre that somebody who willingly acts so "selflessly" would suddenly veer to the opposite extreme and betray the person they had cared so much about. It doesn't make sense to me.

 

I got some more vague details from him. He couldn’t point to any specifics but at one point said I was “mentally unstable,” and he couldn’t ever be with somebody like that. When I thought about it to myself, it made no sense because while he knew I had some issues…the only time they had really come up was the other night. I never put any unfair demands on him, and he also always led me to believe that he completely accepted me warts and all. Like the only thing I can think of is one time during the abortion feeling so depressed that I almost felt suicidal and revealing some of that to him, but he was so understanding at the time and totally caring. I felt that I could totally trust him, and that he had totally accepted me.

 

Whenever I revealed anything about myself to him, he always was so empathetic and understanding. He always assured me that he loved him completely for who I was and often said that he wouldn't change anything about me. This made me feel like I could be totally open with some of my problems. Not that I was burdening him with them, but that I could just let him know every aspect of me without fear that he would suddenly abandon me.

 

I pointed out to him that the way he was acting was mentally unstable, but he adamantly disagreed. He seemed so confident in his decision.

 

Before I get to the rest, I just want to say that during our conversation he texted his dad and his brother. Then, when his dad called him back, he gave the phone to me and said, "talk to my dad." I refused, and told him he was being totally inappropriate and to leave them out of it. What do you guys make of that? It was so weird. Then his brother called him and S told his brother to come to the house because I was over. Meanwhile his dad kept buzzing him. His brother came by and yelled at S that their dad was trying to call him and to call the dad. His brother kept loudly walking by S's room during the conversation (S's room was wide open). At another point he yelled to S that he was invited to dinner that night with the brother, the brother's girlfriend and all of the roommates. This seemed like a jab at me because in the past I've always gone to those things, and I obviously wasn't invited.

 

Anyway, I told S that him asking me to speak to his dad was totally inappropriate, and he just didn't get it. It's like I would keep saying these things to him that seemed totally reasonable and fair to me, and he just gave me this blank expression as if he totally didn't agree or get it.

 

I'll admit that I basically begged him, which was a mistake. As it got resolved, S told me that the most he would agree to is not see me for 2-3 weeks, and then hang out with me as completely friends (no touching) from there on in public with the possibility of something more happening if it happened. Should I try this guys? I feel seriously conflicted. If it was my ex, this would be a no-brainer of course not, because there was nothing worthwhile to salvage here. But S is so important to me, I love him so much, that I worry that it would be a mistake to let go. At the same time, I really doubt whether I could handle being friends with him and always worrying if things were going to go further. I just don't know if I could deal with seeing him all detached and happy as if we're strangers when we hang out again. But maybe I should try to put those emotions aside and give it a go? I just really don't know.

 

The thing that hurt me most during the conversation is that he kept denying his own blame, or half-denying it and placing it on me. I told him that I felt like he wasn't mature enough for any serious relationship, and that the needs problem would come up in any relationship, and he disagreed with me. He basically said that I was more messed than most people. That really hurt, because it makes me feel like it was really me and he would have treated another girl better. After leaving his place, I was totally beating myself up because something about the conversation convinced me that it was my fault. Maybe it was that he seemed so confident and resolved. Would he have really felt this way if he were throwing away something with someone who he could have had a happy relationship with had he been more mature? I started to internalize that, and I really want to nip it in the bud. I've been feeling so defective. Like he made me feel so loved and accepted for all my flaws, and now he's basically berating who I am, calling me "mentally unstable."

 

Guys, it was just chilling in that he was a TOTALLY different person from the one I loved two days ago. Totally different. Totally detached, and almost not seeming to care at all about how much pain I was in. He was seeing me in more pain than he ever had. It was obvious that I was totally devastated and hurting so bad, and he didn't seem to care. The blue eyes I love so much, which are usually filled with empathy and kindness, were completely glazed over and blank. But he didn't seem numb either, which would have at least suggested the suppression of some pain. Instead he seemed kind of confident and hardened. The creepy thing is it really reminded me of my ex, and I always thought the two couldn't be any more different. I told him that he seemed like a different person from two days ago, and he said "I almost feel like I am." Last night when we talked he seemed to genuinely feel my pain and he looked very vulnerable. It was like in a day he was already over it. The same guy who once cried at thought of ever losing me, told me over and over that he needed me (up until just days ago), almost to the point that it got annoying, told me he felt like his world would be destroyed if he ever lost me. And I could tell that he meant all that at the time.

 

He also told me so many times in the past that I made him so happy, and all the ways I improved his life. And now the story has totally changed to that I made him miserable, which makes me feel pretty awful. Am I just a disgusting person who drains any happiness from people I try to love? That's how I really feel right now. I never knew about any of this. I thought we were so happy.

[sunshinegirl]

I'll admit that I basically begged him, which was a mistake. As it got resolved, S told me that the most he would agree to is not see me for 2-3 weeks, and then hang out with me as completely friends (no touching) from there on in public with the possibility of something more happening if it happened. Should I try this guys? I feel seriously conflicted. If it was my ex, this would be a no-brainer of course not, because there was nothing worthwhile to salvage here. But S is so important to me, I love him so much, that I worry that it would be a mistake to let go.

 

SP, the whole exchange sounds horrible, horrible, horrible. Everything about it. Ugh.

 

As for the paragraph above, this is the mental image that came to mind as I read it: S dunking your head over and over and over into a toilet bowl, and in between each dunk, you ask a group of spectators: "So what do you think, guys? Should I give this another go? I reeeeeallly love him..."

 

NO!!!!!!! Run, don't walk, away from him! Never speak to him again, let alone contemplate this "hanging out" BS. As Carhill likes to say, he deserves a "silence sandwich" - F O R E V E R.

 

(((hugs)))

[shadowplay]

SP, the whole exchange sounds horrible, horrible, horrible. Everything about it. Ugh.

 

 

Would you mind giving me a specifics? I'm really trying to wrap my head around it.

[shadowplay]

God, I'm such an idiot. The fact that I begged him and came to him in tears must have totally confirmed the impression he had of me as being "mentally unstable" and it also makes me feel as if he's right to dump me since I'm so fcked up. What is wrong with me? Why is it that in any breakup I always end up caring more than the other person, while the other person always seems to not give a crap?

[sunshinegirl]

Would you mind giving me a specifics? I'm really trying to wrap my head around it.

 

Sure - does this help?

• His expressionless stare - this from a person who supposedly loved you?
  
• The sudden "break" in his feelings - who goes from real, deep love, to NOTHING, like a switch that has been flipped? That's NOT normal
  
• Texting his father - has he no appreciation of the intimacy and pain of this for you, that he has to involve his dad in a highly emotional conversation that has NOTHING to do with him?
  
• His douchey brother - what did you EVER do to that guy that he should rub your face in the dinner invitation?
  
• The whole thing about reliability (pre-breakup), and then his conscious choice to break his promise to call you back to talk more (or come over again, I don't remember which it was)
  
• His black-and-white thinking: "it's either SP's needs or my needs". Screams immaturity and/or an inability to establish boundaries
  
• The condescending "offer" to hang out with you as friends - offering crumbs of attention is a glassbowl thing to do
  

[threebyfate]

SP, the whole exchange sounds horrible, horrible, horrible. Everything about it. Ugh.

 

As for the paragraph above, this is the mental image that came to mind as I read it: S dunking your head over and over and over into a toilet bowl, and in between each dunk, you ask a group of spectators: "So what do you think, guys? Should I give this another go? I reeeeeallly love him..."

 

NO!!!!!!! Run, don't walk, away from him! Never speak to him again, let alone contemplate this "hanging out" BS. As Carhill likes to say, he deserves a "silence sandwich" - F O R E V E R.

 

(((hugs)))

I agree with this. Reading your post made me both mad at him and sad for you.

 

((hugs)) shadow.

[shadowplay]

Why is it that I feel now like it's me and not him? Somehow after talking to him I felt that I am a totally messed up person and his treatment and response was justified. I can't seem to shake that feeling now.

[shadowplay]

Sure - does this help?

• His expressionless stare - this from a person who supposedly loved you?
  
• The sudden "break" in his feelings - who goes from real, deep love, to NOTHING, like a switch that has been flipped? That's NOT normal
  
• Texting his father - has he no appreciation of the intimacy and pain of this for you, that he has to involve his dad in a highly emotional conversation that has NOTHING to do with him?
  
• His douchey brother - what did you EVER do to that guy that he should rub your face in the dinner invitation?
  
• The whole thing about reliability (pre-breakup), and then his conscious choice to break his promise to call you back to talk more (or come over again, I don't remember which it was)
  
• His black-and-white thinking: "it's either SP's needs or my needs". Screams immaturity and/or an inability to establish boundaries
  
• The condescending "offer" to hang out with you as friends - offering crumbs of attention is a glassbowl thing to do
  

 

Yeah, it does because I'm really struggling to not place the blame on me and not see him as the reasonable person in this.

[anne1707]

Why is it that I feel now like it's me and not him?

 

 

Because you genuinely care about people - if you could cold heartedly think it was nothing to do with you at this stage of the break-up then there would be something wrong with you. Do you really want to be cruel the way he is being? That's not you Shadow - in time it will make more sense and you will see that it's not about you but about him and the fact that he needs to grow up for a start.