I think we might be over

[shadowplay]

Therapy can be enlightening and give you some tools for figuring things out, but in the end the work has to all be done by you. You'll never reach the day of epiphany in therapy where you declare "all done here. Everything fixed." That's true whether you persist in therapy or not. Therapy can only help accelerate your way to finding solutions to certain problems sometimes.

 

That makes me feel kind of hopeless, because I don't think I can help myself. I never have been able to before, so what will ever be different? And honestly I don't even know how to. I feel like if I did, which would mean there was a way out, I would do it.

[shadowplay]

You can always tell when a person gets to the real work in therapy, most of them flake out and stop going back because they don't really want to face the bad stuff.

 

I was there. I made myself go and dealing with the hard stuff is what got me where I am today. It sucked. I cried a lot and it got emotionally messier before it got better, but it did get better.

 

It gives me some hope when I hear it has worked for others, but then I always believe I'm different and it's not possible for me. Why did it not seem to help for me in the past? Did I just not give it enough time?

[sunshinegirl]

For one thing she seemed very cool and detached. I didn't get the sense she really cared or understood the enormity of what I was going through.

 

I feel this emptiness whenever I'm in the office. It's weird. And I keep thinking to myself that the therapist doesn't really care, it's just a job to her, and she's not really taking the time to understand me. She's just making generalizations in her head based on her experiences with other people. She's not understanding the nuances in my situation.

 

Shadow, I don't mean this in a mean way, but these sound like convenient excuses. Why does a therapist have to interact with you just so in order for you to get something out of it?

 

Sure, you don't want a robotic and totally disconnected person to talk to, but there are plenty of good therapists out there who will go further than suggesting exercise and who just might know more than you think about how to help someone address their issues. It sounds like you need to find one who specializes in family-of-origin issues? (I wasn't abandoned in the classic sense either, and my parents are still happily married after 45 years, but it turns out there were some incredibly important, if subtle, dynamics that went on in my childhood that left huge, deep, bad, marks.)

 

I would say focus way less on whether you have a loving, cozy vibe with the therapist and focus more on whether they have an approach and tools that will help YOU do the work most effectively.

 

As others have said, a lot of people drop therapy when it starts getting to the heavy, hard, tough stuff. But that's the gold mine, it truly is. I would never have gotten through it without a counselor who asked great questions and made insightful observations along the way.

[shadowplay]

I keep coming back to the fact that it's so hard for me to move on and forget him without thinking that I can do better, that I didn't lose anything worth keeping, that he's a jerk and weak. But yet the fact that he so easily moves on so fast makes it think it's me and not him, and he could do better than me.

 

Somebody convince me that this is true

[sunshinegirl]

It gives me some hope when I hear it has worked for others, but then I always believe I'm different and it's not possible for me. Why did it not seem to help for me in the past? Did I just not give it enough time?

 

Eh. With all due respect, you are not so different and special from the vast mass of humanity that a good dose of good therapy can't help you. This is very self-defeating, fatalistic thinking, as is, "I'm 26 and too old to change." I'm 36 and have made tremendous changes in the last 2 years - so stop insulting me!

 

I wonder if you just haven't hit rock bottom yet and decided that "come hell or high water, I AM gonna figure me out because I refuse to keep repeating these devastating patterns!" It's like you haven't quite yet decided to be your own patient advocate, your own best friend, your own champion.

 

I hope you get there soon!

[Star Gazer]

I keep coming back to the fact that it's so hard for me to move on and forget him without thinking that I can do better, that I didn't lose anything worth keeping, that he's a jerk and weak. But yet the fact that he so easily moves on so fast makes it think it's me and not him, and he could do better than me.

 

Somebody convince me that this is true

 

You can BOTH do better in that you can BOTH find people who you are compatible with. You're not compatible with one another.

[shadowplay]

I just found an email he sent me three weeks ago, and it almost brought me to tears:

 

Hi Shadow!

 

I love you so much and can't stop thinking about you. I'm super excited to see you tomorrow morning and wish that it would be here sooner. You're really amazing Shadow and there's no other girl on Earth I'd rather be with. I love you.

 

[shadowplay]

You can BOTH do better in that you can BOTH find people who you are compatible with. You're not compatible with one another.

 

but why aren't we compatible? I don't understand what it was about me that led to this?

[shadowplay]

but why aren't we compatible? I don't understand what it was about me that led to this?

 

Like I don't get how the way he is right now would be compatible with anybody.

[Star Gazer]

Eh. With all due respect, you are not so different and special from the vast mass of humanity that a good dose of good therapy can't help you. This is very self-defeating, fatalistic thinking, as is, "I'm 26 and too old to change." I'm 36 and have made tremendous changes in the last 2 years - so stop insulting me!

 

This is so true, Shadow. And I too say this with all due respect, but you're not as "different" and "special" as you think you are, at least to the extent of what you're going through with this breakup. For that reason, for the first time in this entire thread, I rolled my eyes when I read this:

 

For one thing she seemed very cool and detached. I didn't get the sense she really cared or understood the enormity of what I was going through.

 

We understand how bad this hurts, but is it really "enormous"? I'm not trying to trivialize or invalidate your feelings, because boy oh boy have I been there. But in the grand scheme of things, this is just a breakup of a very short relationship. Unfortunately, you will experience greater losses in your life (deaths of loved ones, for example). Things could be so much worse for you. You have soooo much going for you, and have such a bright future ahead of you - but you have to believe in that yourself for it to ever come to fruition.

 

I think I come to LS because I am able totally express myself here in a way that I have trouble doing in therapy. I also feel like the responses are more empathetic and often more helpful, strangely enough. Therapists are more likely to not say much at all, or give me canned lines, "have you tried exercise?" I spend most of the time talking, and then they have little advice to offer.

 

I think it's been suggested before... but if you have trouble opening up to your therapist verbally (orally), perhaps you can print out these pages (and those from other threads) and give them to your therapist? It might take her some time to read through them, so I'd suggest giving them to her inadvance.

 

And FWIW, my therapists (I've been through 3 courses for different reasons over the past 10 years) never gave me canned lines, and actually did most of the talking in my sessions. I learned the most when I listened and learned from what they were saying.

 

But while I truly appreciate the support I get here, there's only so much it can do. Nobody on here is equipped to really help me overcome my core issues, but the people who should be don't seem to help either. Is it just that I don't give the therapy enough time to be successful?

 

You're relying on others - therapists, LS folk, BFs - to "fix" you for you. But at the end of the day, Shadow, YOU have to make the changes. Whether it's an LS post or a therapist, those mechanisms only show you the way - but you have to take the walk yourself.

[Hot Carl]

but why aren't we compatible? I don't understand what it was about me that led to this?

 

Why do you assume it was something about you?

[Els]

You can BOTH do better in that you can BOTH find people who you are compatible with. You're not compatible with one another.

 

Who would be compatible with him the way he is now? :/ Besides someone looking for a light, fun, casual fling of a few months, perhaps, with no problems involved. But that hardly counts as a relationship, does it?

[Star Gazer]

but why aren't we compatible? I don't understand what it was about me that led to this?

 

IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU, Shadow. It's about BOTH of you. He's a square. You're a circle. They don't fit. You each are who you are. There's nothing you can do to change that.

[shadowplay]

Why do you assume it was something about you?

 

Because people are saying we were incompatible.

[Star Gazer]

I just found an email he sent me three weeks ago, and it almost brought me to tears:

 

Hi Shadow!

 

I love you so much and can't stop thinking about you. I'm super excited to see you tomorrow morning and wish that it would be here sooner. You're really amazing Shadow and there's no other girl on Earth I'd rather be with. I love you.

 

 

You've posted that here before.

[Star Gazer]

Because people are saying we were incompatible.

 

WE = TWO people. YOU are not the relationship. It takes BOTH of you.

[shadowplay]

WE = TWO people. YOU are not the relationship. It takes BOTH of you.

 

I realize that, but I just have trouble seeing how the way he is now with his immaturity, dependency and ability to shut off his feelings would lead to a happy relationship with any girl.

[shadowplay]

WE = TWO people. YOU are not the relationship. It takes BOTH of you.

 

I mean you told me earlier that you didn't think he was ready for a mature, healthy, serious relationship. That would apply he wouldn't be ready for that with anyone at the moment.

[Star Gazer]

I realize that, but I just have trouble seeing how the way he is now with his immaturity, dependency and ability to shut off his feelings would lead to a happy relationship with any girl.

 

And I agree with you completely.

 

But seeing as you believe the above statement, why in G-d's name would you conclude that it's about YOU? That doesn't make any sense.

 

You're incompatible because HE (as he is now) doesn't meet your needs, and YOU (as he is now) don't meet his needs. At the end of the day, it's a very simple equation.

[Star Gazer]

I mean you told me earlier that you didn't think he was ready for a mature, healthy, serious relationship. That would apply he wouldn't be ready for that with anyone at the moment.

 

Again, correct. Which makes you incompatible, because you ARE ready for a relationship.

 

Again, he can't meet your needs, and you can't meet his - given his immaturity, etc. Thus, you're incompatible.

[shadowplay]

This is so true, Shadow. And I too say this with all due respect, but you're not as "different" and "special" as you think you are, at least to the extent of what you're going through with this breakup. For that reason, for the first time in this entire thread, I rolled my eyes when I read this:

 

We understand how bad this hurts, but is it really "enormous"? I'm not trying to trivialize or invalidate your feelings, because boy oh boy have I been there. But in the grand scheme of things, this is just a breakup of a very short relationship. Unfortunately, you will experience greater losses in your life (deaths of loved ones, for example). Things could be so much worse for you. You have soooo much going for you, and have such a bright future ahead of you - but you have to believe in that yourself for it to ever come to fruition.

 

 

 

I think it's been suggested before... but if you have trouble opening up to your therapist verbally (orally), perhaps you can print out these pages (and those from other threads) and give them to your therapist? It might take her some time to read through them, so I'd suggest giving them to her inadvance.

 

And FWIW, my therapists (I've been through 3 courses for different reasons over the past 10 years) never gave me canned lines, and actually did most of the talking in my sessions. I learned the most when I listened and learned from what they were saying.

 

 

 

You're relying on others - therapists, LS folk, BFs - to "fix" you for you. But at the end of the day, Shadow, YOU have to make the changes. Whether it's an LS post or a therapist, those mechanisms only show you the way - but you have to take the walk yourself.

 

Believe me, I don't want to feel that I'm different from others, because if I am it doesn't bode well for me.

 

Maybe I'll feel differently in a few weeks or months, but right now the loss feels enormous. What we had was relatively short-lived, but I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone and trusted him more than I've trusted anyone. Our relationship meant the world to me. As I wrote yesterday, just a few days ago I was spending Easter with him and thinking to myself how truly happy and lucky I was to have him, how I had finally found somebody I loved immensely to share my life with. And then to lose him all of a sudden with no warning. Aside from the death of a loved one, I can't imagine experiencing more pain. I've never been through anything close to this. With my ex and every other guy or even friend there was always some warning way ahead of time when things ended. Also, with all of those people I didn't have the close connection I had with S. It's really, really hard to get over. I can't emphasize how much this hurts.

 

I really don't think I should have to justify the "enormity" of the pain I'm feeling. It is enormous, because of how much I loved and trusted him, and that's that.

Edited April 9, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

Maybe I'll feel differently in a few weeks or months, but right now the loss feels enormous. What we had was relatively short-lived, but I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone and trusted him more than I've trusted anyone. Our relationship meant the world to me. As I wrote yesterday, just three days ago I was spending Easter with him and thinking to myself how truly happy and lucky I was to have him, how I had finally found somebody I loved immensely to share my life with. And then to lose him all of a sudden with no warning. Aside from the death of a loved one, I can't imagine experiencing more pain. I've never been through anything close to this. With my ex and every other guy or even friend there was always some warning way ahead of time when things ended. Also, with all of those people I didn't have the close connection I had with S. It's really, really hard to get over. I can't emphasize how much this hurts.

 

I've been there, Shadow. Many of us here have. I remember being physically unable to remove myself from the floor from more than one breakup. It sucks, and it sucks bad.

 

But let's put this in perspective. It's been what, TWO DAYS? Do you think that when you love and you lose that love that you're going to magically feel better in two mere days? With the ex who moved out, it took over a year. With my ex who moved away, it took months. Sadly, it gets easier to get over a loss like this, the more you have them. But guess what? You DO get over it. You do. You will. So try not to beat yourself up over hurting right now - it's perfectly normal, and EXPECTED.

 

Think of it this way, when it hurts this bad, it meant it felt THAT GOOD. You are capable of loving a great deal. That capability doesn't just disappear. You have it in you, and you'll find love again. A true, reciprocal, deep love.

[shadowplay]

I've been there, Shadow. Many of us here have. I remember being physically unable to remove myself from the floor from more than one breakup. It sucks, and it sucks bad.

 

But let's put this in perspective. It's been what, TWO DAYS? Do you think that when you love and you lose that love that you're going to magically feel better in two mere days? With the ex who moved out, it took over a year. With my ex who moved away, it took months. Sadly, it gets easier to get over a loss like this, the more you have them. But guess what? You DO get over it. You do. You will. So try not to beat yourself up over hurting right now - it's perfectly normal, and EXPECTED.

 

Think of it this way, when it hurts this bad, it meant it felt THAT GOOD. You are capable of loving a great deal. That capability doesn't just disappear. You have it in you, and you'll find love again. A true, reciprocal, deep love.

 

Thanks. I guess I feel like I'm not moving on fast enough, because he seems to be already over it and it only took him a day. He told me he was bawling for two hours the day he broke up with me, but the next day when I saw him he seemed already totally over it. Why does it take me longer?

[Star Gazer]

What's going on in his mind now doesn't really matter anymore, Shadow.

[shadowplay]

For what it's worth, this thread has convinced me to give therapy another chance. I just made an appointment for Monday with a new therapist.