I think we might be over

[shadowplay]

I guess he's just doing it to spare me the pain, but he hasn't changed his facebook status from "in a relationship." Even though I know he probably will soon, just getting that in my newsfeed and knowing everyone else he knows will get an update on it too, will be crushing. I can just imagine his brother and his brother's gf "liking" the status change. Facebook sucks.

[Star Gazer]

I guess he's just doing it to spare me the pain, but he hasn't changed his facebook status from "in a relationship." Even though I know he probably will soon, just getting that in my newsfeed and knowing everyone else he knows will get an update on it too, will be crushing. I can just imagine his brother and his brother's gf "liking" the status change. Facebook sucks.

 

You need to delete him as a friend immediately.

[Kamille]

This is a long reply, but here I go.

 

I keep coming back to the fact that it's so hard for me to move on and forget him without thinking that I can do better, that I didn't lose anything worth keeping, that he's a jerk and weak. But yet the fact that he so easily moves on so fast makes it think it's me and not him, and he could do better than me.

 

Somebody convince me that this is true

 

I was going to reply exactly this to that post:

 

But let's put this in perspective. It's been what, TWO DAYS? Do you think that when you love and you lose that love that you're going to magically feel better in two mere days? With the ex who moved out, it took over a year. With my ex who moved away, it took months. Sadly, it gets easier to get over a loss like this, the more you have them. But guess what? You DO get over it. You do. You will. So try not to beat yourself up over hurting right now - it's perfectly normal, and EXPECTED.

 

Think of it this way, when it hurts this bad, it meant it felt THAT GOOD. You are capable of loving a great deal. That capability doesn't just disappear. You have it in you, and you'll find love again. A true, reciprocal, deep love.

 

Even feeling that he's completely moved on and that's it's unfair is normal at this stage. I know I've been there, I know SG has been there and I remember when Sunshinegirl was there.

 

Shadow, you're too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break.

 

It’s surreal how much I can relate to so much of what you say Shadow. I had a really tough time in school (was bullied, first by my sister, than by people in my grade) and there were dysfunctions in my family which made me feel responsible for the well-being of everyone around me. The dysfunctions in the family (basically my parents expected my sister and me to be perfect role models and never allowed us moments of weakness. We would get screamed at for spilling milk in public...) made me feel like I was extremely abnormal. I was convinced I was somehow deficient, that I was different, that I was an exception to every rule out there. It seemed like everyone around me had it together except me. I also felt like everyone knew, upon minutes of meeting me, that I was a complete and total screw up. While a lot of my social anxieties faded by the time I hit my 20s, I'm sure I still felt that way when it came to love when I was 26.

 

Up until this current relationship, all my relationship started fast and about half of them ended abruptly. You may recall the latest one was the one with Mr. Alcoholic Chef. I figured out this happened because I would demand total and complete devotion from my partners very early on. As a result, only slightly dysfunctional men would actually meet my need for validation.

 

And yet I changed. I don’t know what did it exactly. I did go to some counseling. This board has helped. Being my own best friend and being able to recognize (thanks to therapy) the moments when my thinking was dysfunctional has helped. I also now refuse to believe the worst about myself. When I think some really horrible stuff about myself, I give myself the chance to change my mind about it later. (In other words, I tell myself: I feel like this right now but this isn't the only way I can feel about this situation or myself).

 

Like you, I tend to be very analytical. I have over-analyzed every single one of my relationships and you know what, while it makes the pain worse at the time of break up, it actually gives us great insights on how to proceed. So right now, all this, this thread, this putting out your feelings is you figuring out how to cope and how to grow. Please take a moment to recognize this.

 

I also started forcing myself to see the humor in things (something I started when I was still in school... Someone had written Cow on my locker (nice eh?) and instead of erasing it and feeling ashamed of myself I drew a picture of a cow and wrote "Mooh yourself" underneath... Let me tell you, that was empowering). Now when I feel that "shame" (I think you'll get what I mean), I force myself to see some humor in the situation. This helps a lot.

 

So, I'm going to have to agree with the posters, SG and SSG, who told you you weren't an exception. You aren't. I know this because I get it Shadow. I get what you're going through and I get exactly why you feel you're an exception. Allow yourself the chance to change your mind about yourself.

 

But first, allow yourself the chance to grieve!

[Star Gazer]

Kam - read the other threads she's starting in the Second Chances and Coping sections.

[whichwayisup]

For a class we’re in we made a short video together. Yesterday everybody in the class was showing their videos. At the last minute, I had a huge panic attack and didn’t go. I knew he didn’t need me there to show the video, but I still felt really ****ty about not being there with him. He was there when I had the panic attack. I told him I couldn't get myself to go, and he said he was disappointed and went without me.

 

When he got back he told me that he felt like we weren’t going to work out. He said he’s had absolutely no problems with me until now, and he thought I was perfect, but he felt like because of this he couldn’t rely on me. I feel really terrible about letting him down, but at the same time I never in a million years would have thought he would immediately want to break up with me instead of trying to work out the problem.

 

After talking it over, he says now, sort of half-heartedly, that he’s willing to try to work it out. But I don’t know if I can get over the fact that he was ready to dump me. I love him so much, but it feels like our relationship will never be the same now.

 

My relationship with him is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I can’t believe I totally fcked it up, just like I fcked up my job. It feels like my whole life is falling apart.

 

Surprisingly he doesn't seem that upset, which really hurts. It seems to go against everything he ever told me -- that he wanted to be with me forever and marry me, that he loved me more than anyone or anything in the world, that he needed me more than anything and would be totally devastated if he ever lost me. I never thought his love was unconditional, but I also didn't think he would want to dump me immediately once a problem arose without trying to work it out.

 

Earlier I was sobbing, but now I just feel totally numb.

 

If this relationship doesn't work out, I don't know if I can do another one. I trusted him so completely, and I really, really thought he was the one.

If he can't handle the fact that sometimes you have panic attacks and need to back out of something, then that's HIS issue, not yours.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[shadowplay]

This is a long reply, but here I go.

 

I was going to reply exactly this to that post:

 

Even feeling that he's completely moved on and that's it's unfair is normal at this stage. I know I've been there, I know SG has been there and I remember when Sunshinegirl was there.

 

Shadow, you're too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break.

 

It’s surreal how much I can relate to so much of what you say Shadow. I had a really tough time in school (was bullied, first by my sister, than by people in my grade) and there were dysfunctions in my family which made me feel responsible for the well-being of everyone around me. The dysfunctions in the family (basically my parents expected my sister and me to be perfect role models and never allowed us moments of weakness. We would get screamed at for spilling milk in public...) made me feel like I was extremely abnormal. I was convinced I was somehow deficient, that I was different, that I was an exception to every rule out there. It seemed like everyone around me had it together except me. I also felt like everyone knew, upon minutes of meeting me, that I was a complete and total screw up. While a lot of my social anxieties faded by the time I hit my 20s, I'm sure I still felt that way when it came to love when I was 26.

 

Up until this current relationship, all my relationship started fast and about half of them ended abruptly. You may recall the latest one was the one with Mr. Alcoholic Chef. I figured out this happened because I would demand total and complete devotion from my partners very early on. As a result, only slightly dysfunctional men would actually meet my need for validation.

 

And yet I changed. I don’t know what did it exactly. I did go to some counseling. This board has helped. Being my own best friend and being able to recognize (thanks to therapy) the moments when my thinking was dysfunctional has helped. I also now refuse to believe the worst about myself. When I think some really horrible stuff about myself, I give myself the chance to change my mind about it later. (In other words, I tell myself: I feel like this right now but this isn't the only way I can feel about this situation or myself).

 

Like you, I tend to be very analytical. I have over-analyzed every single one of my relationships and you know what, while it makes the pain worse at the time of break up, it actually gives us great insights on how to proceed. So right now, all this, this thread, this putting out your feelings is you figuring out how to cope and how to grow. Please take a moment to recognize this.

 

I also started forcing myself to see the humor in things (something I started when I was still in school... Someone had written Cow on my locker (nice eh?) and instead of erasing it and feeling ashamed of myself I drew a picture of a cow and wrote "Mooh yourself" underneath... Let me tell you, that was empowering). Now when I feel that "shame" (I think you'll get what I mean), I force myself to see some humor in the situation. This helps a lot.

 

So, I'm going to have to agree with the posters, SG and SSG, who told you you weren't an exception. You aren't. I know this because I get it Shadow. I get what you're going through and I get exactly why you feel you're an exception. Allow yourself the chance to change your mind about yourself.

 

But first, allow yourself the chance to grieve!

 

Thanks for your post, Kamille. I can really relate to what you've written, especially the thing about feeling inherently defective.

 

I had no idea that your relationship history prior to this was like that. I remembered the alcoholic chef, but I didn't know there was a pattern to the men you chose. Given that you also needed that early on total devotion, I'm curious to know what traits drew you in that were unhealthy in the very early dating stages or even upon first meeting before the proclamations of love started.

 

I'm trying to figure out what it was about S that drew me in, because I singled him out from a distance. There was something in his aura that I really responded to, and I'm not sure what it was. He just gave off this really understanding, warm vibe. We were in classes together but had never really spoken, and I even had a dream about him a year ago that he had saved me from my ex and totally taken care of/protected me. Then I had a big crush on him for awhile before I emailed him.

 

I've often had these intense crushes on guys from a distance, and I wonder what qualities they're giving off that are drawing me in. S is the first guy I've had an intense crus on and then actually dated. So it seems like I might be attracted to the wrong things.

[Kamille]

I had no idea that your relationship history prior to this was like that. I remembered the alcoholic chef, but I didn't know there was a pattern to the men you chose. Given that you also needed that early on total devotion, I'm curious to know what traits drew you in that were unhealthy in the very early dating stages or even upon first meeting before the proclamations of love started.

 

Good, tough, question.

 

First meeting: they usually radiated nice and made me feel comfortable straight away. I've dated a lot of creative types, so most were extremely creative. There was something different about them. We would rapidly "attach" and develop our own unique sense of humor and vocabulary. Basically we would rapidly create our own little world where I would feel safe and loved.

 

With current bf, I was attracted to the same qualities: he seemed nice, easy going and slightly unconventional. The main difference was that, because he works a lot the pace of the relationship was much slower at first. At the time, I was also working hard on keeping my balance and not let the new budding relationship become my whole entire life. So, in a way, his workaholism, even though it affects our R, has helped me stay balanced. All the other guys needed me to validate them about as fast as I needed them to validate me.

[shadowplay]

Good, tough, question.

 

First meeting: they usually radiated nice and made me feel comfortable straight away. I've dated a lot of creative types, so most were extremely creative. There was something different about them. We would rapidly "attach" and develop our own unique sense of humor and vocabulary. Basically we would rapidly create our own little world where I would feel safe and loved.

 

It's uncanny but this exactly the type I'm attracted to and exactly how my attachments unfold. In fact I wouldn't change anything about your description. The "different" thing is especially dead on. S radiated this warmth, even from a distance, which made me feel that he could protect me. It was almost a bit of a father figure vibe. But he also seemed off beat, intense, serious and interesting. He basically just seemed "better" than other people; he stood apart. What do you think the danger is in people like this?

 

It occurs to me that I get totally turned off for the most part by guys who show any trace of negativity/cynicism upon first meet. But I realize now that's unnatural. No one is completely uncynical, and if they are they're probably repressing it.

 

Even thinking about it now, it's hard for me to detach my feelings from that mold. A deep part of me still believes that's the type I want and need.

[shadowplay]

There's one thing that's going to be really hard. We're in two small classes together, which means I have to see him three times a week for a total of 6 hours. I'm worried this will get in the way of the healing process. What do I do in my head to avoid regressing and lessen some of the pain when I see him? Also, should I acknowledge him at all or completely ignore him?

[shadowplay]

^Oh, and ironically I'm going to give a presentation in one of the classes on Tuesday, so I'll have to be confronted by his face as I give it.

[threebyfate]

There's one thing that's going to be really hard. We're in two small classes together, which means I have to see him three times a week for a total of 6 hours. I'm worried this will get in the way of the healing process. What do I do in my head to avoid regressing and lessen some of the pain when I see him? Also, should I acknowledge him at all or completely ignore him?

Everytime you see him, think about the dildo...

 

Edit - If he says hi, just nod at him. Beyond that, keep your distance.

[Pink Cupcakes]

Your mom is totally on the mark about him being repressed. He is totally repressing his homosexuality. It's not that complicated really.

[shadowplay]

Your mom is totally on the mark about him being repressed. He is totally repressing his homosexuality. It's not that complicated really.

 

Lol, I seriously doubt he's gay. Just because he's into being "pegged" doesn't mean he's gay. It means that he likes to be controlled/dominated by a woman, at least in the bedroom.

[shadowplay]

I loved him so much. I really thought he was the man I'd spend the rest of my life with.

 

Since he's silenced my voice, by blocking me on both aim, his phone and god knows what else, I decided I'd write that here because at this moment it needed to get out. I haven't tried to talk to him at all since I last saw him two days ago, but I still feel silenced.

[Star Gazer]

I loved him so much. I really thought he was the man I'd spend the rest of my life with.

 

Since he's silenced my voice, by blocking me on both aim, his phone and god knows what else, I decided I'd write that here because at this moment it needed to get out. I haven't tried to talk to him at all since I last saw him two days ago, but I still feel silenced.

 

How do you know he's blocked you? Have you been trying to contact him?

[shadowplay]

How do you know he's blocked you? Have you been trying to contact him?

 

No, I absolutely haven't. But two days ago before I saw him I tried calling him twice and both times it went immediately to voicemail. I thought he had just turned his phone off, but when I was there at his place talking to him his father called him, so I put two and two together. Also, I notice that his aim status shows that he's ALWAYS online now, which doesn't make sense since he's usually only online part of the time. And when I right click on his aim username in ichat, it gives me the option to message him but not "invite to chat" which is an option I have for other users. I would assume that means I'm blocked.

 

I have no intention of making any contact, but it's still painful to know that he immediately prevented me from ever reaching him again, without even giving me the option to express my hurt for what he had done. I wouldn't be surprised if he's also blocked my email address as well so anything I send him will get sent to spam. This is the kind of thing you do to somebody who has really hurt you, not somebody you've hurt. At this point nothing would shock me. I guess you never really know someone.

 

All I can say is I will never be so carefree about trusting again.

Edited April 10, 2010 by shadowplay

[sweetjasmine]

I have no intention of making any contact, but it's still painful to know that he immediately prevented me from ever reaching him again, without even giving me the option to express my hurt for what he had done.

 

He's a coward. He doesn't want to give you the option to express your hurt because he doesn't want to own up to the fact that he treated you like garbage. He can't take responsibility for his own actions. It's easier to just ignore you than to admit he deliberately hurt you and then twisted the knife in the other direction.

 

Everything this guy has done has showed his inability to make decisions and face the consequences like an adult. He's a child.

 

*hugs*

[shadowplay]

He's a coward. He doesn't want to give you the option to express your hurt because he doesn't want to own up to the fact that he treated you like garbage. He can't take responsibility for his own actions. It's easier to just ignore you than to admit he deliberately hurt you and then twisted the knife in the other direction.

 

Everything this guy has done has showed his inability to make decisions and face the consequences like an adult. He's a child.

 

*hugs*

 

Thanks, hearing this stuff really helps, because it prevents me from my natural inclination to see him as the "strong one" who detached and beat myself up.

[Stockalone]

I totally get what you're saying, and yet the little dark voice inside me says, "but it is your fault, because he only worried since you have anxiety, and a girl who didn't have anxiety he wouldn't do this to (this is what he told me)."

 

While it's possible (that he wouldn't have worried without your anxiety), I doubt it.

 

If you hadn't had anxiety or if you had been someone else, he might still have worried about something else eventually.

 

Besides, the real issue isn't that you may have been incompatible because of the anxiety. The way he handled it all, that is what's important.

 

At this point, you'll still doubt yourself, no matter what we say. I am sure you'll think differently in time, when you can look at the situation without the numbness and the pain.

 

 

This is sort of off topic, but I remember you gave me a lot of helpful advice when I first started dating my boyfriend and was concerned that he was too ardent too fast. Do you think there might be some relation between that and what he's doing now?

 

It certainly looks that way now. He seems to swing from one extreme (all is perfect) to another (it's all over).

 

 

I guess I'm trying to figure out if there were red flags that I missed/ignored, aside from the obvious fact that he's young and inexperienced which you can't hold against someone since everyone is at some point. At this point I'm having a hard time believing I'll ever be able to trust someone again, and I feel like that will only happen if I feel confident that I've really improved my people-picking skills. I know there are no guarantees, but given the terrible luck I've had with all of my boyfriends, something in my people detector is wrong.

 

I don't know if you missed red flags or not. Love at (basically) first sight seemed a bit much, but I thought he might just be taking his infatuation/adoration too far because you were his first.

 

I don't think that would have been bad, as long as he eventually understood that you can't be perfect all the time and in every aspect. Looking at things now, it's almost like he blamed you for not being perfect. Like you destroyed his perfect ideal, and that is why he can so easily react the way he does.

 

If that is the way he thinks, you never had a chance. Something else (not the anxiety) could have triggered the same reaction.

 

 

I have this combination of real distrust of most people and blind trust of people who give me any sort of affection. Like it's remarkable to think about now, but I felt that I trusted my terrible ex almost every time he took me back and proclaimed his love for me again.

 

I struggle with this myself. Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith. That can always come back to bite you in the ass, especially if you completely trust someone. I don't think there is a way around this, though.

 

If we can't trust people, how can we love them?

 

I don't have a problem with exes and second changes though. My ego/pride doesn't allow that. If we are done, we are done; so I don't stay in contact with exes.

 

 

Right now I feel as though my faith in humanity is completely shattered. I do this thing where I have negative first impressions of a lot of people, and then later I get to know them a bit better and decide I was being unfair and to give them the benefit of the doubt...and then...almost on cue...they screw me over and my first impression is entirely confirmed. That's what happened with his brother. Just recently I was thinking he's actually a pretty nice, decent person and I misjudged him. Because I'm right time and time again about this, I really trust my gut when it comes to people, when it tells me that somebody isn't well-intentioned. So if I consider that there's a huge portion of humanity that appears negative to me upon first impression, and my accuracy rate is really high, and then you look at those left over, and even people I thought were good from the outset betrayed me...what's left?

 

You do have faith in people, so you allow yourself to think that you might have judged them too harshly. There is nothing wrong with that. But if your first impression is negative, don't change that just because they do seem like good people once or twice.

 

 

There are only two people in this world that I can say with absolute certainty are good: my first boyfriend and my mother. And I'm not saying they're saints, just very decent individuals who are truly altruistic. Of course there are more good people than that, but from the pool of people I've been close to those are the only two who have proven themselves as good individuals. That's a small fraction of the people I've been close to. What does this say about people? Will most betray you if push comes to shove?

 

That's a difficult question for me to answer. If I look at my relationships with women, that is where I ultimately seem to fail.

 

The reason why those relationships (including being friends with one) never lasted was because the women felt that I betrayed their trust. And sadly, they aren't necessarily wrong about that because I can understand their point of view.

 

Nonetheless, I still hope that isn't always going to happen to them. I am convinced that there are people you can and should trust.

 

The same applies to you. Not everything will end badly. Maybe some of the women on LS can give you some help as to how to make your people picker better or how to understand it better.

Edited April 10, 2010 by Stockalone

[Mary3]

Yeah, I felt like I was there. I had been thinking many times recently how happy he makes me and how happy I was with our relationship.

 

Have you both had any disagreements in the 4 months you have been together ?

 

Its really really TRUE that it takes many many months and possibly a year or two to REALLY get to know someone. They start to show all their sides....

 

One guy that broke my heart 5 years ago promised he would love me forever but he did not in the end..

 

He can promise alot to you while in limerance.

 

I am sorry you are suffering right now. ( I only got to page 2 here so I don't know if things changed for the better for you )

 

Good Luck

[CLC2008]

No, I absolutely haven't. But two days ago before I saw him I tried calling him twice and both times it went immediately to voicemail. I thought he had just turned his phone off, but when I was there at his place talking to him his father called him, so I put two and two together. Also, I notice that his aim status shows that he's ALWAYS online now, which doesn't make sense since he's usually only online part of the time. And when I right click on his aim username in ichat, it gives me the option to message him but not "invite to chat" which is an option I have for other users. I would assume that means I'm blocked.

 

I have no intention of making any contact, but it's still painful to know that he immediately prevented me from ever reaching him again, without even giving me the option to express my hurt for what he had done. I wouldn't be surprised if he's also blocked my email address as well so anything I send him will get sent to spam. This is the kind of thing you do to somebody who has really hurt you, not somebody you've hurt. At this point nothing would shock me. I guess you never really know someone.

 

All I can say is I will never be so carefree about trusting again.

 

It is true and you really can't be carefree when it comes to trusting someone. Its a hard lesson learned. I am still not convinced that your ex was this aweful guy that he is painted out to be now, but I do absolutely agree that his behavior towards you following the break up is cruel and insensitive especially after he professed to caring about you as much as he said he did. You don't treat people you care about that way which to me, proves that his feelings were based on limerance. If this is how he behaves towards someone in that stage, what would happen if the two of you had stayed together and grew to love one another and broke up, imagine if he still acted that way and how hurtful it would be then.

 

Seperate from that, I know you feel justified for venting out on here about his sexual preferences, but you really need to stay clear of going down that road for your own benefit.

I don't think he's a bad guy, he just handled himself and in the end, you, ****ty.