I think we might be over

[shadowplay]

What was it about hearing that that made you feel like "here's a man I can build a relationship with"? Did it reassure you? Make you feel loved? Do you need co-depency to allow yourself to trust someone in a relationship? And do you see how that can lead you to choose the partners you have?

 

Yeah, I'm starting to question whether this is the case. The things he said made me a twinge nervous, but at the same time I really liked them. His words made me feel secure and loved. Now that I think about it, I do kind of have this idealized view of love as absolute and extreme. Whenever I think about love I think of extreme examples from literature like the love between Cathy and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, between Ethan and Mattie in Ethan Frome, or in movies ("Say Anything").

 

I don't know if I want it to the extreme that my boyfriend displayed it, but I do want somebody who will be completely devoted to me and fight hard to make things work if there's ever a problem (given I don't really screw him over). I want it to be intense, like I love the way we could lock eyes for hours and feel it so strongly. Is none of this possible in a healthy, mature relationship? I think it's really scary for me to let this relationship go, because I don't know if I would feel secure and happy in a more balanced relationship without that intensity.

 

Maturity and all, I still don't understand how in a single day he could go from begging me to never leave him, sobbing at even the thought of losing me and telling me I had to be 100% his forever, to not wanting to have anything to do with me. Did his own feelings scare him?

[shadowplay]

I'm looking at a thread I wrote a month and a half ago where I was concerned about his "neediness" and some of the things he said to me, and it's still hard for me to wrap my head around:

-You're the most important thing to me in the world. I'd give up anything/everything else in my life to be with you.

 

-I love you more than anything/anyone in the world.

 

-I don't know what I'd do without you. You make me feel more whole. You make my brain work better. (He tells me that I always know what's good/best for him)

 

 

How could he continually say all these things and then just turn off out of nowhere???

[Kamille]

 

Maturity and all, I still don't understand how in a single day he could go from begging me to never leave him, sobbing at even the thought of losing me and telling me I had to be 100% his forever, to not wanting to have anything to do with me. Did his own feelings scare him?

 

It's possible. Maybe he went in so deep with you that he eventually felt overwhelmed. That's on him though.

[Kamille]

 

How could he continually say all these things and then just turn off out of nowhere???

 

Honestly? Because it's too much for anyone to handle! He drowned himself in this relationship and attached to you like you were his savior. He likely completely lost perspective of himself and, well, all that repressed ego is now snapping back. You're the collateral damage of his inability to find balance in either direction.

[shadowplay]

I realized just this morning that he had blocked my number immediately after he dumped me, like within seconds. This is the same guy who couldn't believe that my ex had blocked that number, and kept remarking on how ****ty that was and promised me he would never hurt me. I also know that if three days ago I had told him he would do something like this, he would never in a million years believe me, and if I said some other guy had done this to me, he would totally tear him apart. It's like he's a totally different person that I don't even know.

[shadowplay]

Honestly? Because it's too much for anyone to handle! He drowned himself in this relationship and attached to you like you were his savior. He likely completely lost perspective of himself and, well, all that repressed ego is now snapping back. You're the collateral damage of his inability to find balance in either direction.

 

Do you think once he does find that balance he'll regret it? Do you think he'll ever realize that it was his mistake and not mine, and that he threw away something special?

[sunshinegirl]

I don't know if I want it to the extreme that my boyfriend displayed it, but I do want somebody who will be completely devoted to me and fight hard to make things work if there's ever a problem (given I don't really screw him over). I want it to be intense, like I love the way we could lock eyes for hours and feel it so strongly. Is none of this possible in a healthy, mature relationship? I think it's really scary for me to let this relationship go, because I don't know if I would feel secure and happy in a more balanced relationship without that intensity.

 

I'm (finally) in a healthy, mature, mutually loving relationship, and my boyfriend is completely devoted to me and is completely proactive in addressing problems and conflict. As for that intensity... well, to be honest what you're describing sounds like lust/infatuation/honeymoon phase type of stuff. Are you getting at the idea that you are known and accepted at a deep, core level? Then yes, I can say absolutely yes this is possible in a healthy, mature relationship. If, on the other hand, you literally hope to sit around and stare into each others' eyes for hours on end, then I would gently (and with affection) suggest that you might want to examine more closely what love means and what it looks like - I don't know any happy, loving, long-term couples who do that.

 

Maturity and all, I still don't understand how in a single day he could go from begging me to never leave him, sobbing at even the thought of losing me and telling me I had to be 100% his forever, to not wanting to have anything to do with me. Did his own feelings scare him?

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that his love for you wasn't actually for YOU. It was for/about HIM and what you did for HIM. Maybe he could switch off so quickly because it wasn't love to begin with - it was need. And when you "failed" to meet his need, he switched his attention to the people he thinks can meet those needs.

 

It's a tough thing to face, but something similar happened with my 2008 ex. He was a complete blubbering mess the day he broke up with me - and I took that to mean he loved me and was tortured over what he had done to me (cheating). But with my counselor's help, I came to see that his tears weren't about me at all, they were about HIM and his self-image. I later realized he didn't love me at all - I filled some need he had and when he no longer needed me, he moved on. Coldheartedly. Well screw that! I deserved better, and so do you, Shadow.

[northstar1]

Do you think once he does find that balance he'll regret it? Do you think he'll ever realize that it was his mistake and not mine, and that he threw away something special?

 

I think this guy is emotionally immature, or unstable. The wild fluctuations in behaviour suggest that he probably has a hard time keeping strong, stable relationships in his life.

[grogster]

Do you think once he does find that balance he'll regret it? Do you think he'll ever realize that it was his mistake and not mine, and that he threw away something special?

 

I very much doubt it. Most men don't look back. We look ahead or exist in the moment. He might regret his actions when, down the road, he becomes involved with someone who utterly lacks the qualities that he found appealing in you. Or he might not.

 

Even then, it would be more of a mild regret than a major life change.

[sunshinegirl]

I very much doubt it. Most men don't look back. We look ahead or exist in the moment. He might regret his actions when, down the road, he becomes involved with someone who utterly lacks the qualities that he found appealing in you. Or he might not.

 

Even then, it would be more of a mild regret than a major life change.

 

I agree with this. I spent a year wondering whether my ex would regret how he treated me. I suppose wondering about it was part of my healing process, but I now think it was a massive waste of mental energy. He's out of my life, forever, and I no longer care whether he's had a come to Jesus moment. Most likely, he learned nothing from the relationship or its ending and he treats his current girlfriend the same way he treated me - in which case I feel *really* bad for her. But again, who cares? Today, I have a fabulous, and fabulously happy life with an amazing man that I'm going to marry this fall. And that's all that really matters.

 

Sorry, Shadow - didn't mean to threadjack. My hope for you is that you will be able to let go of that obsessive wondering sooner than I did. For now it's perfectly okay to ask all the questions you're asking. At some point in your healing, though, these kinds of questions will hold you back more than help you.

[Kamille]

Shadow, you were part of the dynamic of the relationship when it was unbalanced in one direction. You accepted his devotion and co-dependency and it even allowed you to feel loved, safe and passionate. You need to be able to recognize this in order to accept its over, move on and grow.

 

I see you repeat the same pattern you did with your ex: You want him to somehow validate you as someone worthy of love. He can't do that. In fact, that requirement was part of why your relationship was unbalanced in the first place.

 

You are worthy of love, but until you believe it, you risk entering in these passionate but dysfunctional relationships.

[shadowplay]

I agree with this. I spent a year wondering whether my ex would regret how he treated me. I suppose wondering about it was part of my healing process, but I now think it was a massive waste of mental energy. He's out of my life, forever, and I no longer care whether he's had a come to Jesus moment. Most likely, he learned nothing from the relationship or its ending and he treats his current girlfriend the same way he treated me - in which case I feel *really* bad for her. But again, who cares? Today, I have a fabulous, and fabulously happy life with an amazing man that I'm going to marry this fall. And that's all that really matters.

 

Sorry, Shadow - didn't mean to threadjack. My hope for you is that you will be able to let go of that obsessive wondering sooner than I did. For now it's perfectly okay to ask all the questions you're asking. At some point in your healing, though, these kinds of questions will hold you back more than help you.

 

I really want to not care if he regrets it or not, but that's so hard to do right now. Why is it that he can move on so easily, the other person always can, but I have so much trouble? I envy that ability to detach. Why can't I? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I live in the past and not in the future or the moment?

 

Another thought that keeps bothering me is whether he would have treated another girl much better and loved her in a way he couldn't love me. It makes me feel unworthy to think about. I keep imagining him having this totally blissful life without me, and the thought kills me. I feel like at this point in the healing process I NEED to believe that he won't be happier without me and he won't suddenly be able to love some other girl. What do you guys think?

 

Sunshinegirl, I think it's great that you've finally found somebody worthy of you, who makes you happy. But also I wonder... Like I remember you still hadn't really gotten over your ex until this new guy came along. I'm worried that will happen to me, that I'll need another guy to come along to fill in the void. How do I move on without that?

[shadowplay]

Shadow, you were part of the dynamic of the relationship when it was unbalanced in one direction. You accepted his devotion and co-dependency and it even allowed you to feel loved, safe and passionate. You need to be able to recognize this in order to accept its over, move on and grow.

 

I see you repeat the same pattern you did with your ex: You want him to somehow validate you as someone worthy of love. He can't do that. In fact, that requirement was part of why your relationship was unbalanced in the first place.

 

You are worthy of love, but until you believe it, you risk entering in these passionate but dysfunctional relationships.

 

How so? I mean I never encouraged him to say those things; he just did.

[shadowplay]

Btw, I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice they've given so far. It's helped me process this whole thing a huge amount.

[Kamille]

How so? I mean I never encouraged him to say those things; he just did.

 

How did you respond when he said them? And how did it make you feel when he said them?

 

You may never have encouraged him and they might have made you feel uncomfortable, yet you say it made you feel secure and loved.

 

Yeah, I'm starting to question whether this is the case. The things he said made me a twinge nervous, but at the same time I really liked them. His words made me feel secure and loved.

 

On a deeper level, I think it goes back to what you currently need in order to feel safe and loved and to allow yourself to let go in a relationship: complete and total devotion, the kind that doesn't make sense so early on in a relationship.

[Els]

I really want to not care if he regrets it or not, but that's so hard to do right now. Why is it that he can move on so easily, the other person always can, but I have so much trouble? I envy that ability to detach. Why can't I? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I live in the past and not in the future or the moment?

 

Another thought that keeps bothering me is whether he would have treated another girl much better and loved her in a way he couldn't love me. It makes me feel unworthy to think about. I keep imagining him having this totally blissful life without me, and the thought kills me. I feel like at this point in the healing process I NEED to believe that he won't be happier without me and he won't suddenly be able to love some other girl. What do you guys think?

 

I honestly think that even if he may be able to 'love' some other girl at first - it will only be a shell, infatuation, nothing more. And then, when problems arise (as they will, sooner or later), the same cycle will repeat again, and again, and again. Because that's the kind of person he is, until he actually grows up. Which some people never do.

[sunshinegirl]

I really want to not care if he regrets it or not, but that's so hard to do right now. Why is it that he can move on so easily, the other person always can, but I have so much trouble? I envy that ability to detach. Why can't I? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I live in the past and not in the future or the moment?

 

Another thought that keeps bothering me is whether he would have treated another girl much better and loved her in a way he couldn't love me. It makes me feel unworthy to think about. I keep imagining him having this totally blissful life without me, and the thought kills me. I feel like at this point in the healing process I NEED to believe that he won't be happier without me and he won't suddenly be able to love some other girl. What do you guys think?

 

Sunshinegirl, I think it's great that you've finally found somebody worthy of you, who makes you happy. But also I wonder... Like I remember you still hadn't really gotten over your ex until this new guy came along. I'm worried that will happen to me, that I'll need another guy to come along to fill in the void. How do I move on without that?

 

Kamille has nailed it on the head - you don't believe you're worthy of love. I had the very same distorted thinking, and it led me to ask EXACTLY the same questions you're asking now: what's wrong with me that he could detach like that; is he having a blissful life without me; is he loving someone else more/better than me?

 

IMO, you will really need to tackle the core issue - feeling unworthy of love - to permanently break your unhealthy romantic patterns. All the questions you're asking are tertiary - they're not the real questions. The real questions are about why you feel unworthy of better or more.

 

After my 2008 breakup, I had to tackle my core issues, to the point of bringing my parents into my counseling sessions because there was a lot of family-of-origin stuff coloring my views about love and relationships and we needed to shed light on it. It sucked at the time, but it's truly been my liberation, in a number of ways.

 

As for not being over my ex when I met my soon-to-be-fiance: I would say I was 80-85% healed when we met last June. But D and I didn't start dating until four months later, and in those interim months I did more self-work and more "reclaiming" of myself and my happiness, which got me the rest of the way there. In fact, I would say that it was only when I had 100% finished my healing work that I was able to open my eyes and see the treasure standing in front of me.

[Isolde]

I still think you couldn't see this coming. Many relationships are intense at the start, and that doesn't mean they are necessarily unhealthy or doomed.

 

This thread is so saddening, but look at it this way, if you can get through this, you can get through anything.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, you were part of the dynamic of the relationship when it was unbalanced in one direction. You accepted his devotion and co-dependency and it even allowed you to feel loved, safe and passionate. You need to be able to recognize this in order to accept its over, move on and grow.

 

I see you repeat the same pattern you did with your ex: You want him to somehow validate you as someone worthy of love. He can't do that. In fact, that requirement was part of why your relationship was unbalanced in the first place.

 

You are worthy of love, but until you believe it, you risk entering in these passionate but dysfunctional relationships.

 

I don't know how I can make myself disbelieve something that's so firmly entrenched as far back as I can remember (not being worthy of love). I really, really want to I just don't know how, and I feel little hope that it's even possible.

 

It takes a huge toll on my self esteem that I get so intensely hurt whenever I'm dumped, and it takes me a long time to get over it, while the other person, who almost seemed to love/need me more during the relationship, so quickly moves on. Then I think to myself this person has so many problems, yet they can move on so quickly, so I must be even more fcked up than they are. How do I not take that as me being entirely defective?

 

I'm realizing now that I have huge abandonment issues. I always felt totally alone and left behind by everyone in my life, and I'm not even sure where this all came from since a parent never abandoned me. I think it was the fact that I was so sensitive and I would wallow in or linger on the past, while others would happily move on and leave me in the dust. And I felt such misery to see them moving on ahead of me, which is why it hurts really bad to think about him going on immediately to be happier and never regretting his decision.

 

It makes me feel like this huge, disgusting weight that drains the life out of anyone who stops along the road to be with me for a bit, even if I try with every fibre in my soul to give them love. And then people get bored and just move on ahead, and are in fact better for having been with me because I've given them so much affirmation that has increased their confidence, given them the confidence to know what they don't want and find a girl who is actually worthy of their love. They've taken that affirmation and run with it, leaving me with nothing. This is true outside of love too. Like the fact that I've gotten stuck in school, while my peers have all long ago moved ahead and gone on to build successful careers. I'm always so stuck. My grades have suffered the last two semesters, and I've been really struggling to just pass classes. I was supposed to graduate this Spring or Fall at the latest, but now it looks like it could be next Spring if I don't pass all the classes I need to. On top of that, aside from one ex boyfriend, I have no real friends or even acquaintances.

 

More than anything I don't believe I can ever change. I've been dealing with these problems for years and have gotten nowhere. I also believe 26 is too late to change. If I was in my early twenties there might be some chance.

 

Right now I'm just trying to focus on my work and hope things get better, but I"ve done this before and then somehow always fall off the wagon.

 

I feel so totally alone in the world.

[shadowplay]

Maybe the problem of why I haven't changed is my lack of consistent therapy. I really hope that's it because at least I have some control over that.

 

I keep seeing therapists, and then eventually dropping them. Like I'll forget about/miss appointments. Up until now it has made no sense to me, since this should probably be my first priority. I'm in desperate need of help, so why isn't it more important to me.

 

I'm now realizing that it's because deep down I don't believe a therapist could really help me, since I feel like nothing could help me. Whenever I start seeing someone there's always a let down. Like yesterday I was so torn up that I went to the mental health services on campus and saw the on call woman. Talking to her helped very little.

 

For one thing she seemed very cool and detached. I didn't get the sense she really cared or understood the enormity of what I was going through. Another problem is that whenever I'm in a therapy office I suddenly lose the emotional force behind my feelings. I'll feel horrible when I'm out of the office, but then I come in and the feeling kind of disappears but isn't replaced by anything good. So it makes it harder for me to feel like there's a release where I'm really getting it out and getting to the core of the issues. I think this sense of detachment, both from me and the therapist, is part of what has driven me away from therapy.

 

I feel this emptiness whenever I'm in the office. It's weird. And I keep thinking to myself that the therapist doesn't really care, it's just a job to her, and she's not really taking the time to understand me. She's just making generalizations in her head based on her experiences with other people. She's not understanding the nuances in my situation.

 

I think I come to LS because I am able totally express myself here in a way that I have trouble doing in therapy. I also feel like the responses are more empathetic and often more helpful, strangely enough. Therapists are more likely to not say much at all, or give me canned lines, "have you tried exercise?" I spend most of the time talking, and then they have little advice to offer.

 

But while I truly appreciate the support I get here, there's only so much it can do. Nobody on here is equipped to really help me overcome my core issues, but the people who should be don't seem to help either. Is it just that I don't give the therapy enough time to be successful?

[shadowplay]

More than anything I wish there was a way for me to detach completely and compartmentalize like S has done, so that I can move forward with my life and not be always bogged down with my emotions. How do I do this, when it goes against my whole nature? I really want to.

[Hot Carl]

But while I truly appreciate the support I get here, there's only so much it can do. Nobody on here is equipped to really help me overcome my core issues, but the people who should be don't seem to help either. Is it just that I don't give the therapy enough time to be successful?

 

Therapy can be enlightening and give you some tools for figuring things out, but in the end the work has to all be done by you. You'll never reach the day of epiphany in therapy where you declare "all done here. Everything fixed." That's true whether you persist in therapy or not. Therapy can only help accelerate your way to finding solutions to certain problems sometimes.

[Crazy Magnet]

You can always tell when a person gets to the real work in therapy, most of them flake out and stop going back because they don't really want to face the bad stuff.

 

I was there. I made myself go and dealing with the hard stuff is what got me where I am today. It sucked. I cried a lot and it got emotionally messier before it got better, but it did get better.

[Hot Carl]

More than anything I wish there was a way for me to detach completely and compartmentalize like S has done, so that I can move forward with my life and not be always bogged down with my emotions. How do I do this, when it goes against my whole nature? I really want to.

 

The compartments always leak. And regardless, if you compartmentalize, you then have the burden of always carrying around compartments full of bad stuff. It's not unlike nuclear waste.

[pandagirl]

Maybe the problem of why I haven't changed is my lack of consistent therapy. I really hope that's it because at least I have some control over that.

 

I keep seeing therapists, and then eventually dropping them. Like I'll forget about/miss appointments. Up until now it has made no sense to me, since this should probably be my first priority. I'm in desperate need of help, so why isn't it more important to me.

 

I'm now realizing that it's because deep down I don't believe a therapist could really help me, since I feel like nothing could help me. Whenever I start seeing someone there's always a let down. Like yesterday I was so torn up that I went to the mental health services on campus and saw the on call woman. Talking to her helped very little.

 

For one thing she seemed very cool and detached. I didn't get the sense she really cared or understood the enormity of what I was going through. Another problem is that whenever I'm in a therapy office I suddenly lose the emotional force behind my feelings. I'll feel horrible when I'm out of the office, but then I come in and the feeling kind of disappears but isn't replaced by anything good. So it makes it harder for me to feel like there's a release where I'm really getting it out and getting to the core of the issues. I think this sense of detachment, both from me and the therapist, is part of what has driven me away from therapy.

 

I feel this emptiness whenever I'm in the office. It's weird. And I keep thinking to myself that the therapist doesn't really care, it's just a job to her, and she's not really taking the time to understand me. She's just making generalizations in her head based on her experiences with other people. She's not understanding the nuances in my situation.

 

I think I come to LS because I am able totally express myself here in a way that I have trouble doing in therapy. I also feel like the responses are more empathetic and often more helpful, strangely enough. Therapists are more likely to not say much at all, or give me canned lines, "have you tried exercise?" I spend most of the time talking, and then they have little advice to offer.

 

But while I truly appreciate the support I get here, there's only so much it can do. Nobody on here is equipped to really help me overcome my core issues, but the people who should be don't seem to help either. Is it just that I don't give the therapy enough time to be successful?

 

Hey Shadow. You CAN change. It's hard and it takes a lot of work, but maybe when you were going to therapy before you weren't really *ready* to change.

 

I spent two years in therapy, starting when I was 29 (should've been going long before that) and it really helped me. Because of insurance issues, I haven't been going, and lately I have been resorting back to my old modes of thinking and it made me realize how beneficial therapy was to me. It was like seeing someone every week reinforced ways of healthy thinking/emotional process -- like a reminder. Without it, I've kind of fallen off track.

 

Also, it's important to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. Plus, a therapist can only help you as much as you tell them. Holding back and giving them only a portion of the story isn't beneficial to you or your therapist.

 

Therapy will not immediately change you or make you feel better. It's a slow gradual process that you have to work on, in and out of session. I think you could really benefit from seeing someone on a regular basis, and I hope you try it out again.