I think we might be over

[carhill]

OP, you made a very difficult choice regarding a very personal matter, a matter which affected both you and your BF, and IIRC he supported you in that choice and the resultant actions of it. Feel free to correct me. In this, the topic of this thread, much less 'serious' and far-reaching dynamic, one which you had shared, apparently through actions of yours, he felt unsupported and abandoned. I want you to reflect upon that and the boundaries such dynamics should enjoy. Part of care and empathy is identifying with and accepting another's perspective.

 

Right now, IMO, if I was living an identical dynamic, the totality of it, I'd have been long out the door, but that's me; much older and a lot wiser from a divorce. Your BF is necessarily unique and his mileage will definitely vary. Hope it works out.

[melodymatters]

Ugh, this is why I don't date artistic types even though I am one myself. One in the relationship is enough !!!

 

So sorry Shadow, but as somone who suffered through panic attacks in my 20's I find HIS behaviour to be the " bigger crime".

 

I will never forget when I had a panic attack and my partner who was also stressed just turned on me and said " Good, I hope you die".

 

We got through that, and normally he was very kind and understanding, but it always stuck with me.

 

A panic attack is NOT being " unreliable" it is a physical and mental reaction caused by chemicals coursing through your body. It is also genetic. And, It's F*cking horrible !

 

If she had experienced a diabetic reaction due to plummeting insulan levels, would people be calling her unreliable ????

[Isolde]

Carhill, I do think shadow has been supportive of her bf in general.

[shadowplay]

OP, you made a very difficult choice regarding a very personal matter, a matter which affected both you and your BF, and IIRC he supported you in that choice and the resultant actions of it. Feel free to correct me. In this, the topic of this thread, much less 'serious' and far-reaching dynamic, one which you had shared, apparently through actions of yours, he felt unsupported and abandoned. I want you to reflect upon that and the boundaries such dynamics should enjoy. Part of care and empathy is identifying with and accepting another's perspective.

 

Right now, IMO, if I was living an identical dynamic, the totality of it, I'd have been long out the door, but that's me; much older and a lot wiser from a divorce. Your BF is necessarily unique and his mileage will definitely vary. Hope it works out.

 

Why would you have been long out the door? The abortion was something we both wanted and supported. I don't really see how that's related. I have been supportive of him in the past. He's gone through days where he's been very depressed or suddenly insecure about losing me, and needs a lot of attention from me, and I've always been there for him and worked with him through that.

 

In terms of what I did, I do understand that I really let him down and it wasn't right. I think at the time I didn't know how very important it was to him that I was there. Had I known our relationship hinged on it, I'm sure my feelings for him would have overcome my anxiety. I wouldn't even consider making the same mistake again.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've only seen a few of your threads about your relationship, but what has leaped out at me has been the "oh my gosh, he's so perfect" theme. I've been there, more than once (most of us have), and I've learned that focusing on how perfect someone or something is puts undue pressure on the person/relationship. Maybe he is putting similar pressure on you and the relationship?

 

Your comments about never wanting another relationship and his about you letting him down for one mistake suggest that both of you are being way too uptight about this.

 

Nobody or nothing is perfect. If you're both putting the relationship on a pedestal, you're setting yourselves up for a fall -- a fall that always comes.

 

In my "perfect" relationships, everything hurt more and caused more strife because every mistake was a strike against that immaculate veneer we had carefully constructed.

 

Both of you need to stop focusing on how "perfect" everything is (it isn't) and shift your focus to the fact that you are two humans with normal human flaws who work well together.

[shadowplay]

I sent him a text message earlier and he didn't respond which is very out of character for him. He's not also online when he always is, and I know it's because he's avoiding me.

 

This really hurts. I feel like giving up.

[Els]

I've only seen a few of your threads about your relationship, but what has leaped out at me has been the "oh my gosh, he's so perfect" theme. I've been there, more than once (most of us have), and I've learned that focusing on how perfect someone or something is puts undue pressure on the person/relationship. Maybe he is putting similar pressure on you and the relationship?

 

Your comments about never wanting another relationship and his about you letting him down for one mistake suggest that both of you are being way too uptight about this.

 

Nobody or nothing is perfect. If you're both putting the relationship on a pedestal, you're setting yourselves up for a fall -- a fall that always comes.

 

In my "perfect" relationships, everything hurt more and caused more strife because every mistake was a strike against that immaculate veneer we had carefully constructed.

 

Both of you need to stop focusing on how "perfect" everything is (it isn't) and shift your focus to the fact that you are two humans with normal human flaws who work well together.

 

Great piece of advice, IMO. I honestly think way too much emphasis is placed on these boards on having a 'perfect' partner or one that treats you 'perfectly' - to the point where even the mention of having a wife who doesn't swallow cum receives 'break up with her, she's evidently not adventurous and into you!' responses.

[Els]

I sent him a text message earlier and he didn't respond which is very out of character for him. He's not also online when he always is, and I know it's because he's avoiding me.

 

This really hurts. I feel like giving up.

 

Oh Shadow, now you're overreacting! He could have something going on! Please don't freak out on him about this...

[Star Gazer]

I'm pretty vulnerable when it comes to this stuff, and I don't know if I can deal with being around somebody who is half-hearted about me, meanwhile waiting for the day when I can prove myself and things will go back to normal.

 

I don't think you're any more vulnerable than the next person when it comes to this kind of thing. I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way.

 

I probably phrased my previous post poorly, because I think I gave the impression that you should prove your reliability to him. You shouldn't have to prove yourself to anyone (well, other than an employer, but you know what I'm saying).

 

Just be the best version of you, Shadow, even with all your flaws. You know who that is, deep down. Everything else will fall into place once you figure that out, and you'll feel so much better in your own skin knowing you're accepted for who you are, proverbial warts and all. But know that the best version of you still isn't perfect. No one is. Including your BF.

[shadowplay]

Oh Shadow, now you're overreacting! He could have something going on! Please don't freak out on him about this...

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to contact him again until he contacts me.

[Stockalone]

It's understandable that he is disappointed. That is a normal first reaction when you feel let down. However, I don't believe he has thought this through yet.

 

So you aren't perfect. Nobody is, and that isn't something you only learn in a relationship. That said, he may have used "perfect" as "she is all I ever wanted, even though she has flaws".

 

But now he has found a flaw that bothers him greatly. Which might mean you no longer are his version of perfect. It's a lot to ask that the person you are with, has no problems/flaws at all that you wish they hadn't.

 

Personally, I think he is acting like a spoiled brat. You suffer from panic attacks, you aren't having them on purpose to hurt him. He needs to find out if this is really a deal breaker for him. If he finds it to hard to deal with, that is his right. But that is his problem, his choice; you are not responsible if that should be the case.

 

I am sure you didn't fake the panic attack, so that is something he should consider. You were "unreliable" because it just happened that way, not because you chose to not be there for him.

 

Are panic attacks something you have been discussing and maybe trying to prevent in your therapy? In case you take medication, could a panic attack be a side effect?

 

What you have to do now is not overreact yourself. It's easy for me to say, sitting comfortably behind my computer. But I believe it's important that you try. Your feelings are hurt, and so are his. There is confusion, fear, and uncertainty.

 

This can get ugly real quick if you both act on those feelings now. I know it's hard, but you have to try to keep calm and not lose your head just now. If you have a routine to calm you down (taking a walk, drinking a cup of tea, etc.), then do that.

Edited April 7, 2010 by Stockalone

[threebyfate]

He's 21 years old with no prior relationship experience. This is self-explanatory and something you, shadow, were always aware of. While you're hurting right now, it's important to keep this in mind.

 

As for expecting perfection from either one of you, pedestals are a long way to fall. I'm also guessing that this might be an accumulation of the amount of stress and pressure you two have been going through, in the past couple of months. That's a lot of stuff, even for many long-term relationships. If the two of you can work your way through this, it bodes well for the future of the relationship. If not, not every relationship lasts forever.

[torranceshipman]

I personally feel bad for you, Shadow. Does he understand what a panic attack is? It wasn't your fault.

 

I think the best thing might be to send him a calm, short-ish and well thought out email just saying that being reliable is the most important thing on your radar right now, that you want him and you to work through it, but that you don't have full control over panic attacks, and that they are a condition, and it wasn't flakiness - and that it makes you feel really upset that your boyfriend is wanting to break up with you over something you can't completely control-that clearly this has now upset both of you. And that you can see he needs space, that you're both hurting, so you'll give him space, and take a little yourself, maybe until the weekend, for example. Then don't contact him...let him come to you.

 

I personally think you could do with a bit of time away from him, as this is quite intense for you, and it might be good for you to clear your head a bit...it might ALSO be good for him to see that you are not chasing after him - a tiny bit of this looks to me like he likes to create a little bit of drama/intensity and you need to discourage that, whilst being as undramatic and unintense as you can yourself.

[carhill]

Why would you have been long out the door? The abortion was something we both wanted and supported. I don't really see how that's related.

 

Shadow, as a number of very deep and personal issues in my marriage resulted from this dynamic, I'll not discuss it further. Like I said, your BF is a unique individual and his experience and perspective will necessarily differ. I told you what I would do, today, with my life experience and perspective. That does not apply to you nor him.

[shadowplay]

He's 21 years old with no prior relationship experience. This is self-explanatory and something you, shadow, were always aware of. While you're hurting right now, it's important to keep this in mind.

 

As for expecting perfection from either one of you, pedestals are a long way to fall. I'm also guessing that this might be an accumulation of the amount of stress and pressure you two have been going through, in the past couple of months. That's a lot of stuff, even for many long-term relationships. If the two of you can work your way through this, it bodes well for the future of the relationship. If not, not every relationship lasts forever.

 

He's 22 (his birthday was at the end of January), but yeah, the same thing basically applies.

 

I agree with you and others that we've both put too much emphasis on perfection. Whenever he called me perfect (he actually did just two days ago) it always made me a bit nervous.

 

In addition to the stress of the last two months, I wonder if he's also reacting to how serious things between us got very fast. This is his first real relationship, and after four months we're already talking about spending the rest of our lives together, getting married in a few years, etc.

[shadowplay]

I'm having a hard time understanding why he seemed calm and collected in the car this morning. I know what he's like when he's upset or hurt and this isn't it. Whenever he talked about losing me in the past, he always said how devastated he would be and I could tell he genuinely meant it. He's somebody who really wears his heart on his sleeve with those he trusts.

 

The whole thing, including his demeanor, is just weird and I'm not completely sure what to make of it. While I'm not ready to pull out just yet until I've given it some time and processed everything, I imagine it will be hard for me to put in a lot of effort unless I get some indication from him that he really cares.

[Crazy Magnet]

It sounds to me like there is a LOT of pressure on this relationship in terms of perfection and long term expectations. That's enough to make anyone crack, especially with the added emotional reactions of an unwanted pregnancy. Have those emotions been dealt with by both of you (Both as individuals and together)? Do you think some of this pressure to be together forever stems from that incident?

 

When my life turns upside down like this I journal about it. That seems to help for me, maybe it will help you too.

[anne1707]

I imagine it will be hard for me to put in a lot of effort unless I get some indication from him that he really cares.

 

 

But what if he is thinking the same thing? You risk losing everything because you are each waiting for other person to make the first move. An adult relationship means sometimes you have to take that first step to putting things right even if you feel the other is at fault.

[shadowplay]

^I just find it weird that he would "get over it" so fast when this happened just last night and he was very much in love with me (or so he led me to believe).

 

I know if he did something bad enough for me to want to break up with him, I would still be very upset about our relationship being over the next day.

[Star Gazer]

^I just find it weird that he would "get over it" so fast when this happened just last night and he was very much in love with me (or so he led me to believe).

 

He didn't get over it "so fast." He was likely over it long before now. This was just his breaking point.

[Twenty-ten]

I think he has been over this relationship for a while, the presentation incident was the perfect scapegoat for his planned actions.

 

Men tell women they are about to dump they love them and can't live without them all the time, right up until the day before they dump them. Men act cowardly in this respect and what happened to you is nothing new unfortunately.

 

Read the break-ups section of this board there are millions of stories of women being blind-sided by their partners so don't let his actions leading up to that day necessarily dictate what his intentions were.

 

In fact and out of curiosity, when you went through that phase of being repulsed by him did you let on you were losing attraction for him?

[Star Gazer]

Twenty-ten is right, Shadow.

 

My ex-ex-ex-ex told me he was in love with me and couldn't wait for me to get home that night, the morning I left to go to Disneyland with a friend. While at Disneyland, I waxed poetic about how in love we were, how it was glorious, blah blah blah. Little did I know that while I was gone, he was movin out. He had it all planned for that day. He took half of our (really, MY) belongings with him. This was just days before my first year finals in lawschool, when the stress was through the roof. We didn't even have a fight. I was blindsided by that too - I really thought we'd last forever.

 

Men cheating on their wives often say sweet nothings before they "leave for work for the day," only to go see their mistress.

 

It happens. I don't know why they take the cowardly route, but it happens.

[Ruby Slippers]

He's 21 years old with no prior relationship experience. This is self-explanatory and something you, shadow, were always aware of. While you're hurting right now, it's important to keep this in mind.

I did not know that. Yeah, he's a baby. Figuratively, he's only just left the womb of home and mom taking care of him.

 

The thing about "perfect" is that it's usually a mask over fear. I speak from experience as a recovering perfectionist.

 

Nothing can EVER be perfect (not for long, anyway), so if you disengage from or drop anything that's not perfect (mate, job, gadget, yourself), you never really have to expose yourself to the hurt that always comes with a real commitment.

 

Life, people, and relationships are messy and imperfect. Accept that and you'll be a lot happier and have a lot more fun.

[bayouboi]

Men tell women they are about to dump they love them and can't live without them all the time, right up until the day before they dump them. Men act cowardly in this respect and what happened to you is nothing new unfortunately.

 

Cut the gender war crap, my ex-wife had sex with me and told me she loved me the night before she told me she was leaving me.

 

Shadow, I think these people that are saying he was checking out a while back are right. Think back real hard & make sure you didn't see signs or hints from him. When my last relationship started going sour & I was no longer feeling like my needs were being met I shared this with my girlfriend first indirectly and then directly. Things didn't change, so I cut it.

[threebyfate]

In addition to the stress of the last two months, I wonder if he's also reacting to how serious things between us got very fast. This is his first real relationship, and after four months we're already talking about spending the rest of our lives together, getting married in a few years, etc.

The bolded is IMO, the most important part of this. This is the first time he's experienced any kind of serious infatuation, the kind that leads to love and commitment. So, he floated on it, creating a perfect woman in his mind's eye with a perfect future. Now he realizes that you're not perfect, just like you realize he's not perfect. This is part of the maturation process. Relationship cycles are no different than maturing as individuals.

 

I truly hope he can remember his own unreliable moment of not getting the book you needed, to finish up the project. For that matter, you're the one who did most of the work on this project, so he was able to handle the presentation on his own.

 

Bear in mind that I'm not suggesting any form of lashing back at him, putting him on the defensive. But in order for a continued viable relationship, he's also got to be more self-aware. Holding someone else to a higher bar than he's capable of meeting, isn't very reasonable.