I think we might be over

[shadowplay]

I think he has been over this relationship for a while, the presentation incident was the perfect scapegoat for his planned actions.

 

Men tell women they are about to dump they love them and can't live without them all the time, right up until the day before they dump them. Men act cowardly in this respect and what happened to you is nothing new unfortunately.

 

Read the break-ups section of this board there are millions of stories of women being blind-sided by their partners so don't let his actions leading up to that day necessarily dictate what his intentions were.

 

In fact and out of curiosity, when you went through that phase of being repulsed by him did you let on you were losing attraction for him?

 

He knew it had some effect on how I felt around him, but I never let on that I wasn't feeling attracted because I didn't want to hurt him or ruin our relationship. I was very careful immediately after the abortion to let him know that had disappeared, and I worked hard to make him feel love and show my appreciation.

 

If he was actually emotionally checked out I have no idea what it would be over, because we have a very open relationship and he never, ever let on that anything was wrong.

[Star Gazer]

If he was actually emotionally checked out I have no idea what it would be over....

 

I do. The abortion. You've said it was something he wanted too, but that sort of thing has a different impact on everyone. He may have felt that somehow damaged your relationship.

 

(I just KNOW that someone will accuse me of button pushing for saying that, but that is NOT at all my intention. I'm just pointing out what I think it is.)

[Twenty-ten]

He knew it had some effect on how I felt around him, but I never let on that I wasn't feeling attracted because I didn't want to hurt him or ruin our relationship. I was very careful immediately after the abortion to let him know that had disappeared, and I worked hard to make him feel love and show my appreciation.

 

If he was actually emotionally checked out I have no idea what it would be over, because we have a very open relationship and he never, ever let on that anything was wrong.

 

 

Well there you have it, apparently women can do this too Shadown because if we go back and read some of the stuff you posted on here whe you were going through that it seemed like you were seriously considering ending things with him yet you now are sure you never let on otherwise.

 

So that is exactly what he has been doing but the thoughts seemed to have been there.

[Els]

I do. The abortion. You've said it was something he wanted too, but that sort of thing has a different impact on everyone. He may have felt that somehow damaged your relationship.

 

(I just KNOW that someone will accuse me of button pushing for saying that, but that is NOT at all my intention. I'm just pointing out what I think it is.)

 

If he had truly checked out because she had an abortion (which was caused by BOTH of them having sex with each other...), then he certainly isn't worth keeping anyway, no?

 

I really hope it wasn't the case.

[Els]

Didn't read about the abortion. Seems like this relationship has had a whole bunch of.. well.. drama to it. Doesn't surprise me that the guy has gotten fed up.

 

Oh, geez. So that's excusable? I suppose next time she shouldn't have intercourse with her guy at all, then there would be no need for an abortion and thus no 'drama'?

[shadowplay]

Suddenly I'm really feeling the pain and can't concentrate on anything else. I'm trying to do my work, but can't get my mind off of this. Any advice on how?

 

I think I'm going to take a breather. I'll be back on later.

[threebyfate]

Didn't read about the abortion. Seems like this relationship has had a whole bunch of.. well.. drama to it. Doesn't surprise me that the guy has gotten fed up.

Nice that you've thrown the responsibility of the abortion and unwanted pregnancy onto shadow's lap. This is about as childish an attitude as I've seen on LS, and I've seen a lot of petty, immature behaviour.

[Star Gazer]

If he had truly checked out because she had an abortion (which was caused by BOTH of them having sex with each other...), then he certainly isn't worth keeping anyway, no?

 

I really hope it wasn't the case.

 

Not because she had an abortion... but because an abortion was part of their relationship. Am I making the distinction clear? I'm having trouble articulating it...but I'll try.

 

Here's a young guy with little relationship experience who thought everything was "perfect" and sunshine and roses, and thought Shadow and their relationship was perfect, and then these "things" happen which show him that, guess what, life ain't perfect and things happen. But because he doesn't have enough life and relationship experience, these "things" that are a part of life throw him for a loop and make him nervous.

 

One of these "things" may have been the fact that they even got pregnant to begin with, and ultimately jointly chose to have an abortion. Perhaps he was living in fairytale land, a sort of naivete that their perfect relationship wouldn't result in conception until they were living happily ever after.

 

The other "imperfection" to him may have been Shadow losing her job. If he needs stability, that alone may have made him nervous.

 

All I'm saying is that these things may have made him feel like the relationship was unstable and unreliable in and of itself. Nothing Shadow did or could control, but things that made him see their relationship as imperfect. That doesn't justify anything, I'm just giving my POV as to what may have changed in his mind to go from "oooh it's all so perfect" to "hmm, I don't think this will work." In other words, I don't think he flipped a switch. I think he emotionally checked out over a culmination of things that HE just couldn't handle.

 

I also don't think it's fair to blame him IF he had some aftershock of emotion over the whole thing. Again, everyone reacts differently to these things.

[Els]

I understand, yes. But I stand by my point: If he had truly responded that way to an abortion and Shadow losing her job, and couldn't put on his big boy pants and at least try to handle it instead for someone he got along so well with, he isn't worth keeping.

[Star Gazer]

I understand, yes. But I stand by my point: If he had truly responded that way to an abortion and Shadow losing her job, and couldn't put on his big boy pants and at least try to handle it instead for someone he got along so well with, he isn't worth keeping.

 

I agree and disagree. It makes him incompatible for Shadow, but it doesn't make him a bad person or "not worth keeping" in the general sense.

 

That said, he's got a LOT of growing up to do.

[Star Gazer]

An abortion, losing her job, and having panic attacks over school projects...

 

Right, within a short period of time. Reading this objectively, put yourself in the shoes of an idyllic 22 year old who's in his first relationship and seeking perfection...

 

I hope I'm not the only one who can understand why he's wondering if this relationship will work out. Rightly or wrongly, it seems like that's what he's questioning... and for him at this point in his life, it seems to be a fair question.

[Els]

I agree and disagree. It makes him incompatible for Shadow, but it doesn't make him a bad person or "not worth keeping" in the general sense.

 

That said, he's got a LOT of growing up to do.

 

How is it that he's not 'not worth keeping' in the general sense? Imagine he was with you. And both of you had everything. All of a sudden you were diagnosed with cancer, had to quit your job because of it, were a physical and emotional wreck. Do you think he would stay with you?

 

That is why he is not worth keeping.

[Twenty-ten]

All I know is my friend went through something similar with a guy she was dating, they accidentally got pregnant two months into their dating. He was younger than her by 8 yrs but still, he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy and she ended up miscarrying anyway and he stuck by her after she miscarried and supported her emotionally then as soon as she was relatively back on her feet about a month later dumped her and told her that it had all happened so fast it made him reevaluate what he wanted and it was not children ever.

 

She was devastated and heart broken but guys who are not ready for that kind of responsibility freak out. That's why you should not date babies, if you there is a chance you might have a baby.

 

Not saying that this is what happened here and I can't remember if he was for keeping the baby or not but to say that he wouldn't be affected by the pregnancy is an understatement.

[Kamille]

I'm reading the thread in another window as I jot down what comes to mind.

 

I see this as a form of communication, albeit it's a form of poorly managed communication. He's young. He's got a lot to learn.

 

I'm wondering: How did he react while you were having your panic attack and telling him you couldn't make it to class? Did he tell you then it was important for him that you be there?

 

But please, Shadow, don't allow yourself to displace the argument by reacting emotionally to it (by feeling he's betrayed your trust). His reaction to your panic attack is legitimate, but he's managing it like a kid and not a mature man. You're going to have to be the mature one here. That involves setting your insecurities aside and listening to him.

 

Instead of focusing on what you perceive as broken trust, try instead to understand the point he tried to make. He wants a partner he can share important events with. Remind him you are working on your anxieties (you're seeing a therapist). You can show him by small actions that you want to work on these. Ask him what it was about yesterday that he would have iiked to share with you. Do you think there is any way you could manage your anxiety better? Any way you could tell him that you will make him your priority if he asks you to? (I don't fully understand anxiety disorders, so I don't know how feasible this is).

 

On your side, and for yourself, try to figure out what made you panic: was it public speaking? opening yourself up to public scrutiny? No matter what it was: you will have to face that fear, so work on identifying what it was.

 

 

 

It sounds to me like there is a LOT of pressure on this relationship in terms of perfection and long term expectations.

 

So true! Shadow, I hope you realize that, from what you've described, he also made a mistake while you were having your panic attack: sounds like he failed to mention that it was really important to him that you be there. There could be many reasons for this: perhaps he needed to think and sort out his feelings. Perhaps it hit him once he was doing the presentation. No matter what, he failed to first try to communicate his needs to you before coming to a solution (breaking up).

 

It doesn't help that he doesn't have much relationship experience. In my experience, men with little relationship experience (or maturity) tend to skip the communication step and go straight to the solution. This is why, I repeat, you will have to be the mature one here.

 

A panic attack is NOT being " unreliable" it is a physical and mental reaction caused by chemicals coursing through your body. It is also genetic. And, It's F*cking horrible !

 

I thought about this and wonder if the fact that an anxiety attack is out of her- and therefore his- control is precisely why he's re-evaluating the relationship. It reminds me of when I was dating my alcoholic ex and started seeing alcohol affect our relationship: the one thing that was hardest to accept was that it was out of my control. But I would have stuck around if he had been willing to admit alcohol was a problem and if I had shown he wanted to work on it.

 

Her anxiety is affecting their relationships. If they discuss and manage this as a couple, their relationship can grow stronger. But first, he needs to be willing to accept it.

[Star Gazer]

How is it that he's not 'not worth keeping' in the general sense? Imagine he was with you. And both of you had everything. All of a sudden you were diagnosed with cancer, had to quit your job because of it, were a physical and emotional wreck. Do you think he would stay with you?

 

That is why he is not worth keeping.

 

I thought the abortion had something to do with losing her job, but I was shat on for suggesting it. Her panic attack wasn't related to the abortion either.

 

Comparing being diagnosed with cancer and its effects to "an abortion, losing her job, and having panic attacks over school projects" isn't really a fair comparison.

 

This CHILD is looking for stability. This relationship doesn't give it to him. I'm not sure why his needs make him "not worth keeping"? But I digress.

[Star Gazer]

Great post, K.

[shadowplay]

People who are casting judgment on the dude, or the girl, are simply unable to see both sides of the situation. It's not your problem, it's theirs.

 

Could you please stop posting in this thread? I don't feel like you're adding anything constructive.

[melodymatters]

I thought the abortion had something to do with losing her job, but I was shat on for suggesting it. Her panic attack wasn't related to the abortion either.

 

Comparing being diagnosed with cancer and its effects to "an abortion, losing her job, and having panic attacks over school projects" isn't really a fair comparison.

 

This CHILD is looking for stability. This relationship doesn't give it to him. I'm not sure why his needs make him "not worth keeping"? But I digress.

 

Star, I agree with you on how just the fact of a "not pleasant thing", the abortion, might be enough for this kid to have a pulling away reacton.

 

Panic attacks are a medical issue as well.

 

If he can't " handle" the realities of imperfect humans, I don't think he's good LTR potential AT THIS TIME IN HIS LIFE, and that is all she really needs to know.

 

If your BF wasn't ready for a monogomous R, that would be all YOU needed to know.

 

I am here to give support to shadow, not her BF.

 

I am not saying he is " bad", but he might not be right for her at this point, and THAT imo, is what she should be concentrating on.

 

Someone who looks at MY medical issue primarily in a " How does it affect ME" lens, is not somone I would want as a partner.

[threebyfate]

Star, I agree with you on how just the fact of a "not pleasant thing", the abortion, might be enough for this kid to have a pulling away reacton.

 

Panic attacks are a medical issue as well.

 

If he can't " handle" the realities of imperfect humans, I don't think he's good LTR potential AT THIS TIME IN HIS LIFE, and that is all she really needs to know.

 

If your BF wasn't ready for a monogomous R, that would be all YOU needed to know.

 

I am here to give support to shadow, not her BF.

 

I am not saying he is " bad", but he might not be right for her at this point, and THAT imo, is what she should be concentrating on.

 

Someone who looks at MY medical issue primarily in a " How does it affect ME" lens, is not somone I would want as a partner.

I`m behind you all the way on this one. Shadow is perfectly aware of what happened during their relationship and doesn`t need it hammered home to her right now. For that matter, people are ignoring what she`s done for him, solely focusing on criticizing her.

 

What she needs is our emotional support now that her bf isn`t there for her.

[make me believe]

I'm sorry to hear this, but honestly I can't say I'm surprised. I don't think that your boyfriend ever really loved the REAL YOU, Shadow. I think he loved the "perfect" girlfriend that you represented. He built you up so much in his head (it is ALWAYS a red flag when somebody describes you as perfect, especially only a few months into the relationship), and as soon as you showed that you're a regular human being - flaws and all - he couldn't deal with it. This is because he is naive and immature about relationships. My guess is he'll have a series of super intense, short-term relationships, dumping girl after girl once they no longer meet his image of perfection.

 

Here's a young guy with little relationship experience who thought everything was "perfect" and sunshine and roses, and thought Shadow and their relationship was perfect, and then these "things" happen which show him that, guess what, life ain't perfect and things happen. But because he doesn't have enough life and relationship experience, these "things" that are a part of life throw him for a loop and make him nervous.

 

One of these "things" may have been the fact that they even got pregnant to begin with, and ultimately jointly chose to have an abortion. Perhaps he was living in fairytale land, a sort of naivete that their perfect relationship wouldn't result in conception until they were living happily ever after.

 

Wow. I think this is spot on, Star! These issues probably wouldn't have had the same effect if her boyfriend was more stable & mature. But I just don't think that Shadow's boyfriend lives in reality or is willing to deal with reality. He is going to keep searching for his "perfect girl" and the "perfect relationship" until he gets a little more experience and realizes that - surprise, surprise - NOBODY is perfect.

[Star Gazer]

Star, I agree with you on how just the fact of a "not pleasant thing", the abortion, might be enough for this kid to have a pulling away reacton.

 

If he can't " handle" the realities of imperfect humans, I don't think he's good LTR potential AT THIS TIME IN HIS LIFE, and that is all she really needs to know.

 

I'm glad you see where I'm coming from. It could have been getting in a car accident, becoming ill, losing a job, anything that is "unpleasant" which may have made him think that the relationship isn't perfect. This seems to have shaken him.

 

That obviously doesn't speak to anything having to do with Shadow, but only his own immaturity. But we can't blame him for being immature given his age and lack of experience.

 

I am not saying he is " bad", but he might not be right for her at this point, and THAT imo, is what she should be concentrating on.

 

I couldn't agree more. Her BF needs one type of stability, and she needs another type of stability. He's not meeting HER needs either.

[Star Gazer]

For that matter, people are ignoring what she`s done for him, solely focusing on criticizing her.

 

Huh? Who's criticizing Shadow? Seems like the consensus is that her BF is a kid/manchild who isn't mature enough to handle life's imperfections.

[shadowplay]

We spoke briefly online, and he's back to not being even sure if he wants to try to work things out. He said his head is a "total mess" right now. I guess I'll just keep a distance until he sorts it out. There isn't anything else I can do. It's going to be so hard. I get a sharp pain whenever I think about all of the things he told me in the past.

 

My whole family just met him on Easter, and we had a wonderful weekend together. He even told me how happy he was.

[TouchedByViolet]

I think Ruby Slippers and Star gazer have given very consistent and wise advice, that gives an accurate perspective on your situation.

 

The immediate future is looking very difficult. You should try to keep supportive people nearby. Take care of yourself.

[boogieboy]

I'd bet that it was your pre abortion distance from him that was the first strike in his confusion. That was for a couple weeks, wasnt it? You were very emotional then, and you were unsure if you wanted to stay with him. You got sick around him, couldnt be near him, and didnt tell him why- for fear of losing him. Then it got better post abortion. Im pretty sure you couldnt hide it from him totally. So to him that was the first taste of how you react in a heavy situation. The panic attack could have put it over the top for him.