I think we might be over

[sunshinegirl]

Yeah, it does because I'm really struggling to not place the blame on me and not see him as the reasonable person in this.

 

I think we might be similar in how we process breakups: I always blamed myself and assumed it was my fault we didn't work out - this was true even when my first ex turned out to be gay!! In every breakup, I was extremely myopic and truly blind to the reality of things... and it took patient and consistent reminders from my friends, for months, about what a jerk the ex was for me to eventually believe it, and see it for myself.

 

So keep lists like mine close at hand; ask others to help you see his immaturity, inappropriateness, and callousness. Ask for examples. There seems to be no shortage of evidence just in how he's handled the breakup.

[shadowplay]

I'm wondering now if it's possible he dumped me in a bizarre way to protect himself from losing me. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's like if he could convince himself of some reason, then he would be able to handle losing me. And he was frequently coming to me and asking me over and over again to reassure him that I would be with him forever and would never leave him. It wasn't put on or fake. I could tell he was genuinely very insecure about this. A few weeks ago he got really drunk at his brother's birthday party and I had to walk him home. The whole time back he would stop me ever two seconds and say "Shadow, please, please, I need you, please promise me you'll be with me forever." He almost seemed pained. I'm trying to understand how that fits in to all this.

[Star Gazer]

Why is it that I feel now like it's me and not him?

 

Because, unfortunately, "the bad stuff is easier to believe." (Vivian in Pretty Woman)

 

It's also easier for us to think it's about US, and not THEM, becuase although it makes us accept fault, it makes us feel more in control of the situation. It also subconsciously justifies our begging that follows...

 

But please, Shadow. Please do NOT accept his crumbs of purported friendship. He only offered that up in the hopes that in 2-3 weeks you'll be over this whole mess.

[Star Gazer]

I'm wondering now if it's possible he dumped me in a bizarre way to protect himself from losing me. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's like if he could convince himself of some reason, then he would be able to handle losing me.

 

I don't think that's it. I think he honestly believes his stated reason. True or not, that's what he's basing his decision on.

 

A few weeks ago he got really drunk at his brother's birthday party and I had to walk him home. The whole time back he would stop me ever two seconds and say "Shadow, please, please, I need you, please promise me you'll be with me forever." He almost seemed pained. I'm trying to understand how that fits in to all this.

 

That was the booze talking, Shadow. I've had guys I met 2 days ago behave the same way.

[shadowplay]

I know this is probably a no-brainer for everyone else, but I feel like my brain isn't working. Like why is it such a bad idea for me to take his offer and see if a friendship leads back into a relationship? He sounded like he was genuinely going to try and told me he would be open to it happening, but he said it's not going to work at all unless we do it this way because we would just have to totally start over and there would have to be zero pressure.

[threebyfate]

shadow, do you really want to be friends with someone who rewrites history and can change his feelings from one second to another?

[shadowplay]

I don't think that's it. I think he honestly believes his stated reason. True or not, that's what he's basing his decision on.

 

 

 

That was the booze talking, Shadow. I've had guys I met 2 days ago behave the same way.

 

No, but he frequently, frequently told me this stuff too when he was sober. I was constantly reassuring him that I'd be with him forever, that I'd never leave him. He also often needed me to hold him and give him all this affection. Of course I didn't mind it at all at the time, but I don't get how it fits in.

[Star Gazer]

No, but he frequently, frequently told me this stuff too when he was sober. I was constantly reassuring him that I'd be with him forever, that I'd never leave him. He also often needed me to hold him and give him all this affection. Of course I didn't mind it at all at the time, but I don't get how it fits in.

 

Maybe that was him begging you to justify his decision to go against his family... like, "But if I know she'll always be here for me, I can risk pissing off my family."

 

Just an idea.

 

I dunno - I don't think the whole "I love you, want to be with you forever" and then flipping a 180 is done out of FEAR. I think it's something else entirely.

[Star Gazer]

I know this is probably a no-brainer for everyone else, but I feel like my brain isn't working. Like why is it such a bad idea for me to take his offer and see if a friendship leads back into a relationship? He sounded like he was genuinely going to try and told me he would be open to it happening, but he said it's not going to work at all unless we do it this way because we would just have to totally start over and there would have to be zero pressure.

 

Why would it be a bad idea? Because this whole situation will probably happen again, and again, and again. He's proven he can just flip the switch, and cause you significant pain in the process. Do you want to live a life like that? Wondering if/when he'll do it again? Always feeling on edge about having to be perfect? That on top of his family nonsense, and knowing you will NEVER come first in his life - ever?

[Crazy Magnet]

Hanging out with this guy is the worst idea in the world. Nobody who would treat you that way even deserves your friendship.

 

The longer you take his crumb of a friendship the longer it will be before you heal and move on and find a REAL man. Not this child/boy thing who can't even make up his mind about how he feels.

 

Relationships that start off with this much drama continue to stay in a cycle of drama. (It took me a long time to learn that) So ditch drama and find nice, calm, and peaceful!

 

I know it hurts to lose someone you love, but the pain will go away with time.

 

Oh, and stop talking to him. I know you feel like you have to in order to get closure, but it's only making it worse. Throw darts at his picture or something.

[shadowplay]

shadow, do you really want to be friends with someone who rewrites history and can change his feelings from one second to another?

 

I mean the stakes are so high for me, because he's not just any guy. Like I'm flooded by all these memories. Every time we made long eye contact, I had a feeling like nothing else I've ever had, and I could tell he felt the same. We had such a deep, intense bond on so many levels. We shared the same likes and dislikes, saw the world the same way, reacted to art and music in synch. Everything about us was so connected. What we had was really rare, and I completely thought he was the one, even though I don't really believe in that kind of thing. I know everybody says stuff about having the perfect relationship, but I can't emphasize how special what we had was. And, really, I still believe that all was real in the moment. Like I could tell he really felt it, I could totally see it in his eyes, he totally bared his soul to me. I wish more than anything it was just some relationship. I wish he had treated me badly like my ex, or he had been distant, or he hadn't loved me as much as I loved him, or our connection hadn't been that deep. But none of that is true. I loved him so much.

 

And somehow he's able to completely turn it off suddenly. It's something I'll never understand but it seems that some guys have that compartmentalizing ability.

[boogieboy]

I know this is probably a no-brainer for everyone else, but I feel like my brain isn't working. Like why is it such a bad idea for me to take his offer and see if a friendship leads back into a relationship? He sounded like he was genuinely going to try and told me he would be open to it happening, but he said it's not going to work at all unless we do it this way because we would just have to totally start over and there would have to be zero pressure.

 

He said these things to make you feel better by giving you false hope, probably because he doesnt know what else to do. Bottom line is he said 2-3 weeks because he doesnt want to be around you right now. ANyone who HAS to stay away from you will not want you back, not for long. Dont ride this roller coaster with him just because youre hurt. try to think about it. Think about the last time you dumped someone how you felt.

[shadowplay]

Sometimes I felt as if I was actually reaching out and touching his soul as cheesy as that sounds.

 

I guess I'm just totally disconnected from reality.

[threebyfate]

And somehow he's able to completely turn it off suddenly. It's something I'll never understand but it seems that some guys have that compartmentalizing ability.

This is the part you should be focusing on, not the rest. This turd, yes TURD, turned his back on you and all the love you bear for him, he's thrown back into your face.

 

He doesn't deserve your love. He deserves the misery of never seeing you again and knowing that he threw away something beautiful because he didn't have the balls to say "pees off" to his family. :mad:

[Stockalone]

Why is it that I feel now like it's me and not him? Somehow after talking to him I felt that I am a totally messed up person and his treatment and response was justified. I can't seem to shake that feeling now.

 

I agree with sunshinegirl. After a break-up, some people (me included) focus first on the (potential) mistakes they made themselves.

 

That takes a while, evaluating how much (if any) blame we are responsible for. I sometimes go over certain situations hundreds of times in my head, trying to make sense of things I don't understand.

 

Only when we come to terms with our own issues, then can we rationally look at the overall situation and what the other person did wrong. Maybe you do that too.

 

Also, you know him as a compassionate person who cares about you. To think that what he says and does now is nothing but him rationalizing his decision by refusing responsibility, is impossible to accept right now. It'll take some time and that is okay too.

 

Don't feel bad about begging him or the crying. You were still fighting for what you had (a good relationship). There is no shame in that. But he couldn't even be bothered to give you his full attention. That is at best stupid (and at worst malicious), texting his dad and his brother, then later not telling his brother to STFU.

 

As it turns out, he isn't worth the begging, nor the tears. But you can cry and feel sad for what you have lost. But please don't try to get him back or be his friend. I honestly believe he would think that what he did was okay if you agree to that offer, if it is even a sincere offer.

 

You aren't okay with the way he handled things, and rightfully so. If he wants to delude himself into thinking he did nothing wrong here, so be it, but don't encourage him by accepting what he offers.

[northstar1]

Sometimes I felt as if I was actually reaching out and touching his soul as cheesy as that sounds.

 

I guess I'm just totally disconnected from reality.

 

The void after a breakup does certainly feel like a disconnect.

I recall such a myriad of emotions after my last breakup, and the days and weeks that followed became something out of an Aranofsky film.

 

You deserve much much better.

 

esp someone who is a joy division fan

[shadowplay]

Thanks for the dose of reality, guys. It really helps, because since I saw him my brain keeps going in a distorted direction.

 

What's really bothering me at the moment is the thought that he'll never regret it, and worse he'll be even happier without me, as he led me to believe I was making him so miserable. I could easily see both being true. So then what did he really throw away? If I was making his life "miserable?"

[shadowplay]

He also just seemed so convinced and confident in himself when we spoke. Like he gave me a really hard line that he couldn't be with me and that this feeling was there and staying put and it was a legitimate feeling. I mean is it possible for someone to feel so confident in that and it be wrong?

[northstar1]

Thanks for the dose of reality, guys. It really helps, because since I saw him my brain keeps going in a distorted direction.

 

What's really bothering me at the moment is the thought that he'll never regret it, and worse he'll be even happier without me, as he led me to believe I was making him so miserable. I could easily see both being true. So then what did he really throw away? If I was making his life "miserable?"

 

he will regret it, make no mistake about that. however, by the time he does, you won't care anymore.

[alphamale]

I mean is it possible for someone to feel so confident in that and it be wrong?

yes its possible

[shadowplay]

he will regret it, make no mistake about that. however, by the time he does, you won't care anymore.

 

I don't know. I could just imagine him rationalizing it in his brain, as he's doing now, and then his family totally making sure he never questioned that rationalization. It makes me feel sick to think about.

 

Do you guys think he won't do this to another girl who doesn't have the anxiety issues I do, as he claims?

[threebyfate]

What's really bothering me at the moment is the thought that he'll never regret it, and worse he'll be even happier without me, as he led me to believe I was making him so miserable. I could easily see both being true. So then what did he really throw away? If I was making his life "miserable?"

Hold it. Distorted thinking again. He did an about face. Previously, he was happily in love, wanting to be with you for the rest of his life, etc. And now, suddenly, purportedly everything came crashing into him about how terrible you were. Now it`s all your fault why he HAS to break up with you. Don`t you see his distorted thinking? He`s justifying to himself. This is the easiest way to avoid being in the middle between his family and yourself. He doesn`t have the balls to buck his family.

 

I had a run in with my own parents about that actor I dated in 2008. We spent over an hour arguing it out. They didn`t want me dating an actor and refused to meet him. I wouldn`t back down so the only ground they had, was to refuse to meet him which was their right. So that`s how it was left. While it was my life to do whatever I chose, I also had to respect their right for acceptance or not. Had I wanted to be serious with this guy, the choice would have been that they fully accept him or I wouldn`t have come around.

 

Do you see the difference? Adults assert their boundaries with their families.

[shadowplay]

Hold it. Distorted thinking again. He did an about face. Previously, he was happily in love, wanting to be with you for the rest of his life, etc. And now, suddenly, purportedly everything came crashing into him about how terrible you were. Now it`s all your fault why he HAS to break up with you. Don`t you see his distorted thinking? He`s justifying to himself. This is the easiest way to avoid being in the middle between his family and yourself. He doesn`t have the balls to buck his family.

 

I had a run in with my own parents about that actor I dated in 2008. We spent over an hour arguing it out. They didn`t want me dating an actor and refused to meet him. I wouldn`t back down so the only ground they had, was to refuse to meet him which was their right. So that`s how it was left. While it was my life to do whatever I chose, I also had to respect their right for acceptance or not. Had I wanted to be serious with this guy, the choice would have been that they fully accept him or I wouldn`t have come around.

 

Do you see the difference? Adults assert their boundaries with their families.

 

OK, that makes sense. It's good to know, because after talking to him, he almost convinced me that he was being reasonable in letting his family dictate who he was with. He kept saying "that's just the way I was raised," as if nothing about the way one was raised could possibly be wrong or questioned.

 

There's one thing, though. S says that his brother noticed that since we've been together he's looked miserable all the time and really changed, that he seems less confident, etc. S says his brother knows him better than almost anybody, so he would be able to tell. And S agreed that his constant preoccupation with worrying about me/meeting whatever needs he believed I had, had taken a toll on his school work and social life. Of course none of this was ever mentioned, but I don't think it's totally made up. Which leads me to believe I made him unhappy. It's something about me that sucks away happiness from people. I mean if he's visibly less happy or not doing as well in school, I'm the most likely culprit. I'm really struggling to not believe that.

[threebyfate]

OK, that makes sense. It's good to know, because after talking to him, he almost convinced me that he was being reasonable in letting his family dictate who he was with. He kept saying "that's just the way I was raised," as if nothing about the way one was raised could possibly be wrong or questioned.

Anyone who`s close to their family has to learn to push back. This shows his immaturity.

There's one thing, though. S says that his brother noticed that since we've been together he's looked miserable all the time and really changed, that he seems less confident, etc. S says his brother knows him better than almost anybody, so he would be able to tell. And S agreed that his constant preoccupation with worrying about me/meeting whatever needs he believed I had, had taken a toll on his school work and social life. Of course none of this was ever mentioned, but I don't think it's totally made up. Which leads me to believe I made him unhappy. It's something about me that sucks away happiness from people. I mean if he's visibly less happy or not doing as well in school, I'm the most likely culprit. I'm really struggling to not believe that.

shadow, his brother took an instant dislike to you. Do you honestly believe anything he says? I wouldn`t since he doesn`t have your best interests in mind. For that matter, I`m not sure he has your bfs best interests in mind. I think it`s a power play since you were `taking away`his brother`s time.

[Stockalone]

Which leads me to believe I made him unhappy. It's something about me that sucks away happiness from people. I mean if he's visibly less happy or not doing as well in school, I'm the most likely culprit. I'm really struggling to not believe that.

 

The last women I was talking to and had developed some feelings for, told me that staying in touch with me would negatively affect her life.

 

Previously, she had told me that talking to me was the sole bright spot in her life while said life seemed to fall apart. To be honest, I still don't understand that and it still makes me sad. And I felt that way even though I knew that day might come.

 

It's so much more difficult for you, since you were in a relationship, in love and those feelings were reciprocated. Those are the times when you don't expect that and the impact is so much worse when it does happen.

 

Everything seems so unnecessary and cruel. It's just that sometimes there are things that you might never be able to make sense of. Accepting that is not easy.

 

Even IF your bf has been negatively affected because he worried so much, that doesn't make it your fault. You said he never shared his doubts with you. Which means that when he crumbled under the pressure, the responsibility for this was his also. Not being aware that he was so preoccupied, you never had a chance to actually help him or make him feel relaxed so he didn't have to worry as much as he supposedly did.

 

You are not a mind reader. And it would also be unfair to expect you to have noticed that he was worried or feeling stressed. For one, it sounds like he hid it very well and you also don't have the advantage of knowing him as long as his brother does.