Calling off a previous engagement

[Lauriebell82]

Would you get engaged to someone who had called off a previous engagement because they "weren't ready?" Why or why not?

 

This is open to both males and females!

[Star Gazer]

It would totally depend on the circumstances.

 

I intend on only getting married once, but that carries with it an intention on only getting engaged once. To me, an engagement is a promise to marry. When he proposes, and I say "Yes!", that's the equivalent of saying, "We want to be married to one another RIGHT NOW." Obviously, most people don't actually get married the moment a proposal occurs. Rather, they have a wedding and reception to celebrate with their families, and that takes some time to plan. But to me, an engagement is no different a commitment than actually saying "I do."

 

So the long answer is, I'd be treating it as though he was divorced... And whether I'd be okay with that would depend on a multitude of factors.

[Lauriebell82]

It would totally depend on the circumstances.

 

I intend on only getting married once, but that carries with it an intention on only getting engaged once. To me, an engagement is a promise to marry. When he proposes, and I say "Yes!", that's the equivalent of saying, "We want to be married to one another RIGHT NOW." Obviously, most people don't actually get married the moment a proposal occurs. Rather, they have a wedding and reception to celebrate with their families, and that takes some time to plan. But to me, an engagement is no different a commitment than actually saying "I do."

 

So the long answer is, I'd be treating it as though he was divorced... And whether I'd be okay with that would depend on a multitude of factors.

 

Yeah, I agree. That's a good answer.

 

Here is the backstory:

My best friend's sister is 23 now. Two years ago when she had just turned 21 her boyfriend of 3 1/2 years proposed to her. She said yes but after about 5 months she realized that she wasn't ready to get married and broke off the engagement. I do give her credit as although she did hurt him, she saved them both years and years of future pain.

 

Fast forward to the present: She has been dating this guy for a little over a year. She is now 23 years old he is 28. She said yes.

 

I guess what I would be scared about is that she would call off the engagement yet again after she realizes she still isn't ready. ESPECIALLY since they have only been together fora year and the majority of that was a LDR.

 

I don't know, I would be freaked out if I were him.

[aerogurl87]

I agree with Star Gazer on only wanting to be married once. I only want one proposal and only to walk down the aisle once. The only way I'd get married more than once was if 1) I got cheated on by my spouse or 2) I became widowed at a young age. Other than that, I feel like a marriage proposal isn't saying "well I love you, so I think I wanna marry you sometime down the road", I mean you can say that without a proposal. But to me it's saying, "I love you and if you wanna get married now I'd say let's head down to the courthouse and do this right now". Just my opinion.

 

As for your best friend's sister, I've seen stuff like this happen before. Someone dates someone for a few years, gets engaged, calls it quits and then less than a year later they're engaged to someone new. Sometimes it's all about timing, or it could be the person. Maybe she realized she didn't want to be with her ex fiance for the rest of her life but she sees something in this new guy that she didn't see in her ex. That's always a possibility.

[2sure]

People can do a lot of growing and maturing during 2 years when they are in their 20s. Graduate from college, move out of the house, begin to establish a career. Those are life changing events that mature us.

 

Thank goodness she , at 21, had the strength , foresight , and self awareness to not make a mistake many people do. Add to that, she had the wisdom and grace to do it thoughtfully.

 

New guy is a lucky man.

[Lauriebell82]

 

As for your best friend's sister, I've seen stuff like this happen before. Someone dates someone for a few years, gets engaged, calls it quits and then less than a year later they're engaged to someone new. Sometimes it's all about timing, or it could be the person. Maybe she realized she didn't want to be with her ex fiance for the rest of her life but she sees something in this new guy that she didn't see in her ex. That's always a possibility.

 

Yes, that could be very true.

 

The trouble is that this new guy FAWNS over her. Like he is so obsessed. I met him when we all went to a club one time. A guy hit on her (she is very beautiful, looks like a model) and her boyfriend grabbed her around the waist and started making out with her!

 

I worry that HE proposed for the wrong reason, so she wouldn't leave him for another guy or to ensure that she was "his." I definately don't think she knows this guy as well as she knew her ex boyfriend.

 

I don't know.

[Star Gazer]

If I were him, I'd be concerned too. But it's a lot about timing. At 21 she got engaged to someone she'd been dating since she was 17.5, it sounds like. At 21, she was wise to realize that she wasn't ready for marriage. IMO, that's WAY too young. But then again, at 23, I'm not sure she's ready 2.5 years later with someone else either. But what do I know?

[threebyfate]

My take is that most people under 25 aren't ready for marriage. But then, there are always mature exceptions.

 

She might break this engagement a second time but if she does, all the better since broken engagements are much less emotional and financial trauma than divorce. The period between the proposal and marriage, is a testing period of commitment.

[Lauriebell82]

My take is that most people under 25 aren't ready for marriage. But then, there are always mature exceptions.

 

She might break this engagement a second time but if she does, all the better since broken engagements are much less emotional and financial trauma than divorce. The period between the proposal and marriage, is a testing period of commitment.

 

Yeah, you are right about that. I think he is just in a little "love fog" and I don't think he is considering what is at stake here.

 

If I were him, I'd be concerned too. But it's a lot about timing. At 21 she got engaged to someone she'd been dating since she was 17.5, it sounds like. At 21, she was wise to realize that she wasn't ready for marriage. IMO, that's WAY too young. But then again, at 23, I'm not sure she's ready 2.5 years later with someone else either. But what do I know?

 

I agree she was wise to realize she wasn't ready for marriage. After breaking it off she said she was going to go on a little party spree and date around for awhile. 6 months later she meets this guy and they start hanging out then start dating. My best friend tried to tell her that he was older and may want to settle down. She didn't seem to care.

 

I just worry that they are both entering this for the wrong reason.

[Star Gazer]

My best friend tried to tell her that he was older and may want to settle down. She didn't seem to care.

 

I just worry that they are both entering this for the wrong reason.

 

 

She probably WANTED to date him because he wasn't ready for commitment... ya know? Seeing as she was on her dating spree and all. But then things just evolved.

 

I totally understand your concern, LB, and it's sweet of you to care. But you'll drive yourself crazy worrying about others' relationships. I know I have in the past.

[Stung]

Would you get engaged to someone who had called off a previous engagement because they "weren't ready?" Why or why not?

 

This is open to both males and females!

 

Well, I was engaged when I was 20 and I broke it off. Subsequently I had a few other serious relationships, including another proposal which I didn't accept because I felt I still wasn't ready and wasn't sure the relationship was what I wanted forever (I was about 26 at the time).

 

I was thirty when I met my now-husband, 31 when I moved in with him and 33 when we got engaged. My husband was aware of my romantic past, but he also knew I wanted to marry him, that I finally felt absolutely certain about my future. I think the fact that my husband is who he is factors into it...I had a hard time finding him. But also, I was a bit of a 'late bloomer' by some people's standards, I guess. I don't think things would have worked out this way with him if I had met him a few years earlier, I needed the intervening time to work on myself and continue to grow and explore the world.

 

I'm glad my husband didn't hold a false start I made when I was quite young against me. However, I can also see how he might have had some reservations if the engagement had been just two years earlier... presumably it would have been something we'd have had to talk through extensively, but it's doubtful that any of our friends and certainly none of our friends-of-friends would be privy to those conversations and their results.

[Lauriebell82]

I was thirty when I met my now-husband, 31 when I moved in with him and 33 when we got engaged. My husband was aware of my romantic past, but he also knew I wanted to marry him, that I finally felt absolutely certain about my future. I think the fact that my husband is who he is factors into it...I had a hard time finding him. But also, I was a bit of a 'late bloomer' by some people's standards, I guess. I don't think things would have worked out this way with him if I had met him a few years earlier, I needed the intervening time to work on myself and continue to grow and explore the world.

 

That is great that you found someone. Did your husband have any reservations at all? How did you realize that you finally ready to get married after 11 years?

 

I guess my concern is that enough time has not passed and my best friend's sister has not been single long enough to realize discover who she is. 6 months of random partying doesn't make you ready for marriage IMO!!!

[jerbear]

Would you get engaged to someone who had called off a previous engagement because they "weren't ready?" Why or why not?

 

This is open to both males and females!

 

Some of my pursuits were with those who called off previous engagements, yes with S, and the relationships were no different than those who never had been engaged.

 

I didn't turn someone down because its just them, things change and sometimes one is just not ready or with the wrong person but right person at that time.

[Stung]

That is great that you found someone. Did your husband have any reservations at all? How did you realize that you finally ready to get married after 11 years?

 

I guess my concern is that enough time has not passed and my best friend's sister has not been single long enough to realize discover who she is. 6 months of random partying doesn't make you ready for marriage IMO!!!

 

Well, I lived. I partied, and I had relationships, and I was celibate, in turns. I traveled, and lived abroad, and tried on a few different career paths, and bought and sold property, and saw some therapists to work on some personal issues, and inherited some kids (long story). By the time I met my husband I had worked through a lot of things and settled into another phase of life, and I was able to recognize in him the partner that I wanted for the rest of my life-phases. I woke up every morning with him and just knew I wanted to keep doing that for the rest of my life. I did need that decade to just be myself and kick around the globe for a while, though, and to experience many things to help me learn what it was that I did and didn't want in my life. My husband was a little nervous about getting married in general, but not about getting married to me, as far as I know anyway! But he knew me inside and out and knew exactly what he was getting into, and he trusts me.

 

Six months of partying and then a new boyfriend would not have been enough for me, but I don't know what the other girl's issues are. Perhaps they were specific to her original boyfriend. Maybe she also made other changes that you're not aware of, a new career path, some other personal epiphany. She certainly could be waving a red flag, but she could have simply needed to move on to find the right one. Certainly we who have never met her cannot know, and neither can you, really. Unless she starts hitting on other guys in front of you or you find out she's got a dozen secret maxed-out credit cards and a gambling habit you should just wish them well and hope for the best, IMO.

[Disintegration]

Speaking from experience, I did. He called the wedding off just 1 week before the wedding. I was crushed to say the least. He said he was under a lot of pressure and stressed. To make a long story short, he was talking about getting married just two months after we were to marry originally. We ended up getting married the following year but not the way I had envisioned.

[stace79]

I would suggest that it's actually a more noble thing she did by calling it off. I know far too many couples who go through with the wedding and then have children, only to get divorced later. They should have had the cajones to call it off prior to getting married.

 

Like someone else said above, ideally you know when you say yes that you'd get married tomorrow; but hey, this is life not a lifetime movie.

[Crazy Magnet]

I had a LT BF propose to me when I was 21. I said yes b/c I didn't know what else to say. We had been together 2+ years and everyone else we knew was doing the same thing. In the end though, I knew I wasn't ready for a lifetime with him and I gave the ring back a few months later (although he was wonderful!) I wanted to see the world, pursue my education and career goals, etc.

 

When I was 24 my now exH proposed and I said yes and clearly got married to him. I had indeed traveled the world and finished my MA. I had done all the growing up I needed to do. I wouldn't hold it against someone, but I don't think 6 months is enough time to get all that self reflection in.