Your views on 18 and dating someone 31

[norajane]

Im in love with this man and maybe cause he is all I have, my family and friends hate the idea so they are out of my life now. He is good to me but I still sometimes have doubts

 

That is such a huge mistake on your part. Family and friends are what you will have your whole life - these are the people who will be there for you when this guy dumps you; these are the people who will be in your life long after this guy is gone, and the next guy, and the next guy.

 

If you dropped your family and friends for this guy, and you don't see how that that is a big, red flag warning you that you are making a huge mistake by trusting that this guy is forever, well, you are showing your age.

 

He is not all you have. You have yourself, and you have your friends and family. You would be better off leaving this man and making peace with your friends and family. They are looking out for you!

[norajane]

My main hope was to find others in age gap relationships anyone out there??

 

This isn't just an age gap relationship. There are plenty of those out there, and they can make good sense when both people in the relationship are actually adults with life experience.

 

However, you are just beginning your life! You will change so much in the next decade, you'll barely recognize yourself. You will learn about yourself, learn what is really important to you in life and what is not, learn what kind of life you want to live, what your values are, what your needs and wants are. Right now, you are foolish enough to abandon your friends and family for a man - you would never do that if you were older because you would KNOW what a mistake that is!

 

You need to be independent first, long before you tie yourself to a man, any man.

 

And for a man his age to be hooking up with someone your age, it's a sign that he is using you as a fun transition girl before he is ready to find someone he can settle down with - if that's what he really wants.

[18inlove]

That is such a huge mistake on your part. Family and friends are what you will have your whole life - these are the people who will be there for you when this guy dumps you; these are the people who will be in your life long after this guy is gone, and the next guy, and the next guy.

 

If you dropped your family and friends for this guy, and you don't see how that that is a big, red flag warning you that you are making a huge mistake by trusting that this guy is forever, well, you are showing your age.

 

He is not all you have. You have yourself, and you have your friends and family. You would be better off leaving this man and making peace with your friends and family. They are looking out for you!

 

Well my mom and dad only see bad in the situation they dont see love from him and he wants to take care of me..my friends just dont understand..I have a few friends but most of them stab me in the back so I rather not deal with their drama.

I guess I was hoping to hear from others who had age gaps that lasted a long long time..we are goin on almost a year and I think thats pretty good so far

[18inlove]

This isn't just an age gap relationship. There are plenty of those out there, and they can make good sense when both people in the relationship are actually adults with life experience.

 

However, you are just beginning your life! You will change so much in the next decade, you'll barely recognize yourself. You will learn about yourself, learn what is really important to you in life and what is not, learn what kind of life you want to live, what your values are, what your needs and wants are. Right now, you are foolish enough to abandon your friends and family for a man - you would never do that if you were older because you would KNOW what a mistake that is!

 

You need to be independent first, long before you tie yourself to a man, any man.

 

And for a man his age to be hooking up with someone your age, it's a sign that he is using you as a fun transition girl before he is ready to find someone he can settle down with - if that's what he really wants.

 

He had a girl he could have settled down with but he chose me, He wants to settle down with me, maybe I am young but lots of people marry young

[norajane]

He had a girl he could have settled down with but he chose me, He wants to settle down with me, maybe I am young but lots of people marry young

 

That's actually a sign he doesn't really want to settle down with anyone. He dumped someone he's been with 4 year in order to take up with a young girl. This guy is Peter Pan - he doesn't want to grow up and settle down.

[SaintDragon]

My main hope was to find others in age gap relationships anyone out there??

 

You know what?...that would be a great forum idea..is there a forum for age gap relationships on LoveShack out there?..I didn't see one.

 

I see a lot of this subject going on..

[USMCHokie]

Well my mom and dad only see bad in the situation they dont see love from him and he wants to take care of me..my friends just dont understand..I have a few friends but most of them stab me in the back so I rather not deal with their drama.

I guess I was hoping to hear from others who had age gaps that lasted a long long time..we are goin on almost a year and I think thats pretty good so far

 

 

Spoken like a true child. This is beginning to sound less like an age gap issue and more like an issue of you getting trapped in a relationship that will damage you in the long run. It really doesn't matter whether this guy is 21, 31, or 81. He is taking advantage of you and your lack of experience in life and using you for the time being. Now that I think about it, I'm changing my position to where you shouldn't even worry about the age gap, as it's almost irrelevant.

 

Your parents and friends only see the bad because that's all there is. You say that they don't see "love" from him. Do YOU even know what love is...? Is this guy and his "love" really worth the support of your friends and more importantly your family?

 

You're asking for stories of others who had age gap relationships only because you want those warm fuzzy feelings that your particular relationship will last. Tread carefully...

 

 

He had a girl he could have settled down with but he chose me, He wants to settle down with me, maybe I am young but lots of people marry young

 

Who the heck knows how or why they ended...but they did. Unless he specifically and deliberately left her for you, what you're saying here doesn't really mean anything. And even then, it doesn't mean anything. He chose you because you put out.

 

And you say he wants to settle down with you. And you believe that he loves you because he wants to take care of you. But here's the problem...you don't even know how to take care of yourself...this is a dangerous road you're going down...and many young women follow this path...they bask in the security of a guy who will take care of them, and when that guy leaves, they're alone, relatively worthless, with a ton of baggage and/or kids, and no skills to make it on their own. They skipped that vital step of learning to take care of themselves first and relied on someone else to take care of them...under the guise of "love."

 

And the fact that you are saying all these things is exactly why guys like him tell girls like you that they are "in love" and "want to settle down"...you eat it up like candy...and they get laid...

 

 

That still doesnt explain to me how I am a rebound and he is using me to ease his pain, if he had the choice to stay with her?

He seems totally genuine and loving towards me.

 

Hahah...I had to laugh at this one...

 

The bottom line is that you need to figure this out on your own. Staying with him isn't going to help your life one bit. And eventually he'll grow tired of you. But trust you gut on this one, and trust the gut of your friends and parents. Your parents are smarter than you give them credit for...I'm sure they've made those same mistakes in their life and don't want you to repeat those mistakes...learn from them...

 

I don't mean to offend you or your judgment with my posts, and if I do, so be it. You need to know the truth so you can make the best decision you can. However, I know how young minds work, and it may take more than some advice from an internet forum for you to truly learn...that's what life experiences are for...I just hope you don't get trapped too deep before you realize what has happened to you...

[CarrieT]

Well my mom and dad only see bad in the situation they dont see love from him and he wants to take care of me..my friends just dont understand..I have a few friends but most of them stab me in the back so I rather not deal with their drama.

So, the fact that almost everyone you ask opinion from about your situation tells you it is a bad thing and you STILL aren't getting it?

 

I guess I was hoping to hear from others who had age gaps that lasted a long long time..we are goin on almost a year and I think thats pretty good so far

And the fact that you have not been able to find another who has had large age gaps which survived has not told you anything either?

 

Three pages of people here telling you it is a mistake isn't sinking in?

 

You have an immature mind and not receptive to those who are older and wiser and trying to help you. I'm bowing out of this thread now.

 

And I pity you the eventual divorce and heart-ache you are going to put yourself through when you have grown up and realized how you could have saved yourself such anguish.

[18inlove]

Spoken like a true child. This is beginning to sound less like an age gap issue and more like an issue of you getting trapped in a relationship that will damage you in the long run. It really doesn't matter whether this guy is 21, 31, or 81. He is taking advantage of you and your lack of experience in life and using you for the time being. Now that I think about it, I'm changing my position to where you shouldn't even worry about the age gap, as it's almost irrelevant.

 

Your parents and friends only see the bad because that's all there is. You say that they don't see "love" from him. Do YOU even know what love is...? Is this guy and his "love" really worth the support of your friends and more importantly your family?

 

You're asking for stories of others who had age gap relationships only because you want those warm fuzzy feelings that your particular relationship will last. Tread carefully...

 

 

 

 

Who the heck knows how or why they ended...but they did. Unless he specifically and deliberately left her for you, what you're saying here doesn't really mean anything. And even then, it doesn't mean anything. He chose you because you put out.

 

And you say he wants to settle down with you. And you believe that he loves you because he wants to take care of you. But here's the problem...you don't even know how to take care of yourself...this is a dangerous road you're going down...and many young women follow this path...they bask in the security of a guy who will take care of them, and when that guy leaves, they're alone, relatively worthless, with a ton of baggage and/or kids, and no skills to make it on their own. They skipped that vital step of learning to take care of themselves first and relied on someone else to take care of them...under the guise of "love."

 

And the fact that you are saying all these things is exactly why guys like him tell girls like you that they are "in love" and "want to settle down"...you eat it up like candy...and they get laid...

 

 

 

 

Hahah...I had to laugh at this one...

 

The bottom line is that you need to figure this out on your own. Staying with him isn't going to help your life one bit. And eventually he'll grow tired of you. But trust you gut on this one, and trust the gut of your friends and parents. Your parents are smarter than you give them credit for...I'm sure they've made those same mistakes in their life and don't want you to repeat those mistakes...learn from them...

 

I don't mean to offend you or your judgment with my posts, and if I do, so be it. You need to know the truth so you can make the best decision you can. However, I know how young minds work, and it may take more than some advice from an internet forum for you to truly learn...that's what life experiences are for...I just hope you don't get trapped too deep before you realize what has happened to you...

 

Its ok I am not offended. I do see the good in what you are saying and I have actually heard the same advice from my parents/aunt/grandparents, but the feeling of happiness out weighs the truth in what you are saying. I know its possible I am just fun and sex, but he bought me a necklace, clothes, dinner, trips, he dont drink or do drugs He is very caring.

Well he was with his ex and then broke it off to be with me and then turned around and broke it off with me to be with her and then finally decided to be with me and not her, she was devastated which I understand.

I do take care of myself I have a full time job pay my own bills I am not sure why you said that, I am saving for a car and an apartment. Im not stupid as It may appear.

I know what I should do but how do you walk away from love and deal with heartbreak just because there is a chance it wont last?

[18inlove]

Oh and I did lots of research on age gap relationships They can last a lifetime. lots of people marry young like my grandparents and they are still together over 50 years.

If the guy isnt abusive or unstable..I dont see the problem. He could be 19, 25,0r 50 as long as he treats me right.

[USMCHokie]

Its ok I am not offended. I do see the good in what you are saying and I have actually heard the same advice from my parents/aunt/grandparents, but the feeling of happiness out weighs the truth in what you are saying. I know its possible I am just fun and sex, but he bought me a necklace, clothes, dinner, trips, he dont drink or do drugs He is very caring.

 

Awww...that's precious...

 

But seriously, anyone can buy you things...

 

 

Well he was with his ex and then broke it off to be with me and then turned around and broke it off with me to be with her and then finally decided to be with me and not her, she was devastated which I understand.

 

This does not help your case...

 

 

I do take care of myself I have a full time job pay my own bills I am not sure why you said that, I am saving for a car and an apartment. Im not stupid as It may appear.

 

Heheh...yes you are...

 

And when I mean taking care of yourself, I mean much more than just financially. Don't you have goals and aspirations for yourself? Things you wanted to accomplish? Things you wanted to learn? Experiences that you wanted to have? Each person must spend a period of their adult life by themselves to grow as an individual before they can be a truly worthwhile partner of a relationship.

 

 

I know what I should do but how do you walk away from love and deal with heartbreak just because there is a chance it wont last?

 

You still don't understand what everyone is trying to tell you here...you don't want it to last...because what comes further down the road will be a lot worse than you can imagine...and if by some off chance that it does last that long, do you really want a life like that...? Of course you feel like you do now, because you seem to believe that you're "happy" now...but how long can that honestly last...?

 

This is less about walking away from love and more about walking away from a bad situation.

 

But I've said what I need to say. I'm outtie too.

 

Good luck.

[18inlove]

Awww...that's precious...

 

But seriously, anyone can buy you things...

 

 

 

 

This does not help your case...

 

 

 

 

Heheh...yes you are...

 

And when I mean taking care of yourself, I mean much more than just financially. Don't you have goals and aspirations for yourself? Things you wanted to accomplish? Things you wanted to learn? Experiences that you wanted to have? Each person must spend a period of their adult life by themselves to grow as an individual before they can be a truly worthwhile partner of a relationship.

 

 

 

 

You still don't understand what everyone is trying to tell you here...you don't want it to last...because what comes further down the road will be a lot worse than you can imagine...and if by some off chance that it does last that long, do you really want a life like that...? Of course you feel like you do now, because you seem to believe that you're "happy" now...but how long can that honestly last...?

 

This is less about walking away from love and more about walking away from a bad situation.

 

But I've said what I need to say. I'm outtie too.

 

Good luck.

I am totally trying to understand your point and I do. Why not live in the moment and I have aspirations/college/fun adventures with the man I love?I been on my own away from my parents since I was 16, I lived with roomates, so I know how to cook/clean/pay bills. Alot of people get married young like I said and they are happy. Make a list of all the bad things besides age gap that makes this a terrible situation?

[norajane]

Make a list of all the bad things besides age gap that makes this a terrible situation?

 

What makes you think he won't treat you the way he treated his ex in the end? If he did it to her, he can do it to you. And be just as happy dumping you for someone else, leaving you without a care. I'll be he told her he loved her and wanted to be with her and have a family with her, too.

 

He did not take any time to process the end of a 4 year relationship. So, either he didn't give a sh*t about her, he's about as emotional as a doorknob, or he has unresolved issues that will eventually screw up your relationship. He's either cold-hearted or he's using you to transition.

 

The fact that your family and friends hate him should tell you something. You are not smarter than all of them put together - in fact, you are foolish because you dumped the people in your life who have nothing to gain by looking out for your best interests and do it because they care about you.

 

If a guy can cause you to turn your back on your family, he's clearly not the kind of guy you should be with. Love enhances your life - it does not cause everything else to turn to crap, and it does not push everyone else out of your life.

[USMCHokie]

if a guy can cause you to turn your back on your family, he's clearly not the kind of guy you should be with. love enhances your life - it does not cause everything else to turn to crap, and it does not push everyone else out of your life.

 

 

+1,000,000,000.

[18inlove]

What makes you think he won't treat you the way he treated his ex in the end? If he did it to her, he can do it to you. And be just as happy dumping you for someone else, leaving you without a care. I'll be he told her he loved her and wanted to be with her and have a family with her, too.

 

He did not take any time to process the end of a 4 year relationship. So, either he didn't give a sh*t about her, he's about as emotional as a doorknob, or he has unresolved issues that will eventually screw up your relationship. He's either cold-hearted or he's using you to transition.

 

The fact that your family and friends hate him should tell you something. You are not smarter than all of them put together - in fact, you are foolish because you dumped the people in your life who have nothing to gain by looking out for your best interests and do it because they care about you.

 

If a guy can cause you to turn your back on your family, he's clearly not the kind of guy you should be with. Love enhances your life - it does not cause everything else to turn to crap, and it does not push everyone else out of your life.

 

I have my doubts you bet I do thats why Im on this site.

My last question to you cause I really think you know what u are talking about and you are being honest with me and I appreciate that.

QUESTION: We met in August and I moved in with him 2 months later which he invited me. SO what would make a man want to move fast or rush into living together and being so serious right away?

[18inlove]

FYI NORAJANE...I find your advice extremely intrigging and I am not taking it lightly. I do thank you for your help

[sally4sara]

I am 18 and been dating a 31 year old for 6 months now moved in with him after 2 months and things seem great. I work full time but didnt go to college yet. My family isnt thrilled but its my life. He just got out of a 4 year relationship a week AFTER we met. Just wanted to see if anyone has had expierience in dating an older man at this age and what usually is the outcome. Am i the rebound girl?

This man is wanting a family and future with me. I'm confident it could last but in reality is the odds against us?

 

The age difference won't always doom a relationship. It depends on the maturity levels of the two people involved.

 

But for you, you have much left to do in your life. I'm not sure forgoing all that for a guy who just got out of a relationship is the smartest thing to do. And the fact that he met you before getting out of his relationship could mean he is the kind who runs when things don't go his way. You can't know for sure if you were not just a get away car to him. You cannot be sure he doesn't find you appealing because he thinks your age difference will give him an upper hand. If you don't see to your education and you go ahead and have kids with him, he might very well have the upper hand while you become stuck with him because you have kids to raise and no education to bring in the money yourself.

 

Be careful and take it exceedingly slow. If he is a good man, he will not push you into anything.

[norajane]

I have my doubts you bet I do thats why Im on this site.

My last question to you cause I really think you know what u are talking about and you are being honest with me and I appreciate that.

QUESTION: We met in August and I moved in with him 2 months later which he invited me. SO what would make a man want to move fast or rush into living together and being so serious right away?

 

Convenience. How nice and easy for him to have a girl right there in his house to have sex with whenever he wants.

 

He can kick you out just as quickly.

 

The real question is why were you so desperate to move in with him so fast?

[18inlove]

Convenience. How nice and easy for him to have a girl right there in his house to have sex with whenever he wants.

 

He can kick you out just as quickly.

 

The real question is why were you so desperate to move in with him so fast?

To be honest, I like spending time with him and I had lost my roomates and I surely didnt want to live with my parents, So moving in with him was an easy decsion. Its been 8 months and he hasnt tried to kick me out, thats why I strongly believe this can and will work

[Trimmer]

I have no mom to talk to so any advice will help

You know, these kinds of statements always sorta jump out at me. Not to get all psychoanalytical on you here, but why is it that you have been living separate from your parents since 16? You say they are telling you what they think, but you say here you "have no mom to talk to" - what is your relationship like with her?

 

Frankly, I'd be worried that you've found yourself a substitute parent, who can pick up where your own parents cut off, for whatever reasons, and who you feel will give you the love, comfort, and care that ended some years ago when you were still a developing adolescent, still in need of that care. I can imagine this image must look and feel awfully good.

 

Oh and I did lots of research on age gap relationships They can last a lifetime. lots of people marry young like my grandparents and they are still together over 50 years.

OK, so you respect the relationship and perspective of your grandparents, yes? (Can you feel a trap coming?...)

 

I have actually heard the same advice from my parents/aunt/grandparents, but the feeling of happiness out weighs the truth in what you are saying.

So you will use your grandparents as an example of how these "age gap" relationships can work, yet you discount their perspective when they give you their advice....

 

I do take care of myself I have a full time job pay my own bills I am not sure why you said that, I am saving for a car and an apartment. Im not stupid as It may appear.

Actually, I don't think you are stupid, but I think even you might admit that you are young and inexperienced. I offer my respect for your accomplishments and handling your life on your own these last few years.

 

But what I'd like to see is for you to continue on that path to develop yourself fully into an adult, and a whole, strong individual, before talk of locking everything down and settling in to have kids, etc. I'm actually concerned that psychologically, this relationship sounds more like a step back (into a kind of a parent/child, being cared-for type of role) than it does a step forward into a new realm of adulthood that you have the life experience to bring yourself fully into.

 

I know what I should do but how do you walk away from love and deal with heartbreak just because there is a chance it wont last?

Maybe you can't walk away, fair Juliet (and I mean that kindly; I'm not being mean...) But at least see things clearly. See who you are, and who you can be, as an individual. You admit "I know what I should do", and you say "..the feeling of happiness out weighs the truth in what you are saying." I believe in your heart you see the reality, and deep down you understand the truth. Just keep your wits about you, keep your eyes open. Sure, live for the moment, but don't commit a lifetime, just because you may lose this moment.

 

This man may seem like the most amazing thing that has ever happened to you - up until now - and based on what it sounds like your family situation might have been, he may seem like the rainbow in a sky that has been filled with storm clouds for too long.

 

But just imagine what your life can be. Dare to imagine actually doing good things of your own - yes, somebody else may be a good partner in that journey, but I challenge you to imagine something more than just "settling down" with someone to take care of you.

Edited April 8, 2010 by Trimmer

[USMCHokie]

Its been 8 months and he hasnt tried to kick me out, thats why I strongly believe this can and will work

 

 

Wow...well, I am officially starting the stopwatch on how long it will take before she's back on LS to ask why this guy suddenly left her for another 18 year old after she turns 19...

 

 

And I'm an ass.

[Trimmer]

Its been 8 months and he hasnt tried to kick me out, thats why I strongly believe this can and will work

 

Wow...well, I am officially starting the stopwatch on how long it will take before she's back on LS to ask why this guy suddenly left her for another 18 year old after she turns 19...

 

 

And I'm an ass.

 

Heh heh, well, who am I to argue?

 

To the OP: Put another way, if you were my daughter, I would hope for you that your standards for considering a good, solid, long-term relationship would involve MUCH more than just "he hasn't tried to kick me out." That would make me very sad.

[sally4sara]

To be honest, I like spending time with him and I had lost my roomates and I surely didnt want to live with my parents, So moving in with him was an easy decsion. Its been 8 months and he hasnt tried to kick me out, thats why I strongly believe this can and will work

 

Easy way to not learn to be a self sufficient adult too. Notice how you put him in the role of parent? You had two options you were comfortable with - parents or this older guy. Notice you didn't think of getting a place of your own? This was the solution you chose instead of growing up whether you want to admit that to yourself or not. And you are at his mercy; he can kick you out because it isn't YOUR home. What will you do if he kicks you out I wonder? A relationship between equals isn't one where one holds all the cards and the fate of the other.

[18inlove]

Easy way to not learn to be a self sufficient adult too. Notice how you put him in the role of parent? You had two options you were comfortable with - parents or this older guy. Notice you didn't think of getting a place of your own? This was the solution you chose instead of growing up whether you want to admit that to yourself or not. And you are at his mercy; he can kick you out because it isn't YOUR home. What will you do if he kicks you out I wonder? A relationship between equals isn't one where one holds all the cards and the fate of the other.

 

I didnt get my own place because he wanted us to live together and have a serious relationship. He doesnt have a bad bone in him and his family is awesome about us. We are just saving for our own place. If he kicks me out then I guess my family will be happy and I will live with them if I cant afford my own place. I dont think of him as a parent. I have a mother and 2 dads. I lived on my own since I was 16 I guess cause I was rebellious. Thanks for your opinions.

[EricaH329]

I've only read through 2 pages of this thread, before I started feeling sick.

 

I was in a similiar position myself. When I was 17 and 18 I was seeing a guy older than I was. I swore left and right to anyone who asked, that I knew what I wanted out of a guy, and that this was it. He was it. And he loved me and would never hurt me.

 

Was I ever wrong. He used my ignorance to his advantage. He made me believe things that I had noooo idea about. He tried to control me, take me away from my friends and family, wouldn't let me do things unless I asked first, made sure that I had to rely on him somehow so that I wouldn't kick him to the curb.

 

Hun, if there is anything that you get out of this thread, please let it be that he knows what he is doing right now. And while you might not be fully aware of it, he is.

 

On the other hand, this will be something you will remember forever. Once he does whatever he pleases, and treats you however he would like, and the relationship is finally over... you will look back on this a few years from now and ask yourself what you were thinking. I promise.

 

But when I was that age, I didn't listen to anyone either. I thought I knew everything about what was going on. I learned the hard way, and i'm sure you will too. I just hope this isn't too devastating once it's over. You will learn a lot, though, that's for sure.