Your views on 18 and dating someone 31

[CarrieT]

How do I just go backwards..move out and just date? We like living together? So whats the point? We share expensives ect..so its easier this way

 

The point is that you will grow up and mature. Most other would consider it moving forward; the intelligent and insightful decision. You are taking the easy route because you are already co-dependent in the relationship and can't see any alternatives.

 

And ultimately, you will be the one that is hurt by giving yourself over to this manipulative and controlling guy so early in your life.

 

As others have said, I just hope you don't get pregnant and that whatever else you do, you will continue to go to school; hopefully interaction with others YOUR OWN AGE, you will see just what a constrained position you are in.

[dannibearxox]

Age isnt nothing but a number, thats how I see it. I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 31, we started seeing each other when I was 17. We started living with each other 9 months into the relationship and everything is fine. we have our little tiffs here and there but things are great

[Lauriebell82]

I can see where you would suggest that, but lots of people have multiple LTR in a lifetime. His was leading up to marriage, maybe he got cold feet, Im not sure but we already talked marriage and kids lets hope he goes thru with it , if not you are right about him being a serial monogomist!

 

I don't know about you but I would not want to live with OR get engaged to someone with ANY doubt of him not going through with it.

 

None of us are trying to put your relationship down or anything, we are just trying to warn you that it may end with you getting very very hurt. We wouldn't want that to happen.

[linwood]

You know what I am going to. I will put it with my journal great idea!

It just sucks that everyone feels I am doomed, So whats the sense in ever trying to live and love if it all ends in brokenhearts?

 

It doesn`t all end in broken hearts.

 

You might even end up marrying this guy and living happily ever after.

 

The people here are very certain of their opinions and have some experience to back it up.

 

I have a different experience.

I don`t think your boyfriend is still in love with his EX at all.

I believe he is probably over her if he`s truly acting as you say.

 

Your only problem is this age difference and it is indeed a problem.

 

Stay with him, live with him, love him, but don`t legally commit to him until he has spent years showing you his sincerity and look for signs that he isn`t sincere.

 

There`s nothing wrong with being with him now but don`t marry him nor become pregnant by him until you are older and certain of his intentions.

 

Make sure you are stable and able to do what you need to do if it doesn`t work out.

Once you have that base of security just enjoy your life with him.

 

See how it goes.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I am 18 and been dating a 31 year old for 6 months now moved in with him after 2 months and things seem great. I work full time but didnt go to college yet. My family isnt thrilled but its my life. He just got out of a 4 year relationship a week AFTER we met. Just wanted to see if anyone has had expierience in dating an older man at this age and what usually is the outcome. Am i the rebound girl?

This man is wanting a family and future with me. I'm confident it could last but in reality is the odds against us?

 

 

 

It is sooooooooooooooo difficult to accurately assess such a scenario, when you're the 18yo girl.

 

Firstly, there is NOTHING WRONG with an 18yo feeling the flattery and attention offered to her by a much older guy. SHE is not doing any harm in being drawn to the source OF that flattery.

 

The concern is, that most males of 31 who are courting females of 18 are guys who probably have a confidence issue that most 18yo's can't easily identify.

 

It's going to be so difficult for you to go against your heart and act only on the logic behind the big picture... but if you remember one thing, just know that it really IS OK to be the younger person who is swept away by the attention and the feelings.

[In_Repair]

Are you happy with your relationship? Does he treat you well? If the answer is yes, then guess what... you are probably better off than most of the people here who are telling you how bad you have it. The advice they are giving you is simply the standard stuff that everyone assumes when a younger woman gets involved with an older man. Don't get me wrong, there are some real class A dickheads out there that thrive on taking advantage of this type of situation, but we aren't all like that. I'm three years older than your boyfriend and you are three years younger than my live in girlfriend, so it's a pretty comparable situation to an extent. I was also seeing a couple of women when I met her, and I dropped them immediately when we got together. I was seeing them, but I wasn't in love with them and "getting over" them was a relatively short lived and painless process. My girlfriend initially approached me, and I have been continually surprised and impressed by her actions thus far. She is great with my kids and she treats me better than any woman I have ever been with. I love her very much, and I respect her just as much as I have any of the other women I have dated.

 

What alarms me is his position in life. As far as HE goes, I agree with the others. It sounds as if he doesn't really have much going for him and apparently he isn't motivated to make progress. Without being in a position where you can walk away at any time, this could potentially turn into a very bad situation that is almost impossible to escape. Like others have said, do NOT get pregnant any time soon. Make his ass get up and prove that he can support and care for a family before you give him one, because a child will permanently tie you to this guy.

[18inlove]

Just don't allow yourself to become so dependent on him financially or emotionally that you feel stuck with him if he turns into an ass or are financially and emotionally devastated if he dumps you. And for god's sake, don't get pregnant.

 

Keep your independence. And try to re-establish relationships with your family and friends. You will need them. Don't let him become your whole world and the only thing in your world.

 

So we are getting our apt tommorrow...wish me luck guys.

[Bolts]

Heheheh...oh to be young and naive...

 

99.98% of the time, he is just taking a young and vulnerable girl and using her for sex while feeding her lines that she wants to hear to keep her around. Yes, you are a rebound. No, he doesn't want anything long term with you. He only says those things about family and future so that you will stay with him. It's not about odds being against you. It's about what he wants and doesn't want. He wants to keep tappin' you to build his ego back up. He won't want you around anymore once he's gotten over his last relationship.

 

You're confident it will last because you don't know any better. But like you said, it's your life. It's up to you to make your own choices and learn from them.

 

Good luck.

 

I understand this opinion... however... i met the love of my life when i was 33 and she was 18. I was not tapping her for my ego... nor was I just out of a relationship (had not dated for 10 years)... i want to live the rest of my days with her...

[hoping2heal]

I am 18 and been dating a 31 year old for 6 months now moved in with him after 2 months and things seem great. I work full time but didnt go to college yet. My family isnt thrilled but its my life. He just got out of a 4 year relationship a week AFTER we met. Just wanted to see if anyone has had expierience in dating an older man at this age and what usually is the outcome. Am i the rebound girl?

This man is wanting a family and future with me. I'm confident it could last but in reality is the odds against us?

 

 

Because you are so young I think there is a good chance that between now and the time you are 25,26, and so on and so forth you will have done A LOT of changing personally. Your tastes will likely change and you will begin to mature. He is 31 and has already had the chance to do all that growing that you are just embarking on. It doesn't mean it absolutely cannot work; it just means you should both be aware of the changes to come.

 

However, the fact that he jumped into a RS with you a week after ending a 4 year RS? I would be skeptical about that.

[18inlove]

Because you are so young I think there is a good chance that between now and the time you are 25,26, and so on and so forth you will have done A LOT of changing personally. Your tastes will likely change and you will begin to mature. He is 31 and has already had the chance to do all that growing that you are just embarking on. It doesn't mean it absolutely cannot work; it just means you should both be aware of the changes to come.

 

However, the fact that he jumped into a RS with you a week after ending a 4 year RS? I would be skeptical about that.

 

I get the questions all the time "why doesnt he date some one his own age" or "what do u two have in common"?

I do see everyones concern.

He seems genuine and true about his feelings.

I just wonder Why would he be willing to spend his life with me if he already knows Im going to change and we both may get hurt in the end, whats the point?

[sally4sara]

I get the questions all the time "why doesnt he date some one his own age" or "what do u two have in common"?

I do see everyones concern.

He seems genuine and true about his feelings.

I just wonder Why would he be willing to spend his life with me if he already knows Im going to change and we both may get hurt in the end, whats the point?

 

Well his becoming addicted to drugs and that he left a LTR for someone he barely knew is a big indication he doesn't give much thought to the future when making choices. His decisions are based on the now and serve the now. He will apply the same problem solving style to the future, but only in the future. So basically, you cannot really know what he will do should these things happen because he isn't even considering those things yet.

[Eeyore79]

This reminds me sooo much of my own situation!

 

When I was 18, I dated a guy who was 30. The age gap seemed fine to me at the time, but looking back on it now I'm 30 myself, it was virtually paedophilia. To me at age 30, an 18yo is practically a child and we wouldn't have anything in common except sex... and that was why that 30yo wanted to date me when I was 18: FOR SEX.

 

He didn't show me any respect, sexually or otherwise. He pushed me to do things I wasn't really comfortable with, and wasn't particularly considerate towards me. Like your bf, he had recently ended a relationship with a woman his own age, and I was his rebound... he was rubbing the other woman's nose in it because he was banging a teenager. He yo-yoed back and forth between me and her for a bit, and while he was with me he was still sleeping with her behind my back.

 

Now I'm older and have the benefit of experience, I can see that he was just using me... but at the time I genuinely thought he loved me, I was so young and naive. Your story makes me feel worried because I've been there and I know how it turns out... and the outcome is not good. In the end, my ex gave me some nasty STDs because he was sleeping around, and then dumped me and went back to his ex once she was sufficiently jealous.

 

Of course, at the time nobody could talk any sense into me, so I doubt if I can talk any sense into you either. Everyone has to make their own mistakes, I guess. But please be careful, use condoms for sex and avoid oral sex without a condom, and don't let him push you into anything you're not comfortable with. Keep your eyes open for anything that might be going on with other women, and don't put the rest of your life on hold for him. I really hope your bf is a decent guy (unlike my ex), but somehow I doubt it, given that he's already yo-yoing between you and this other woman, not to mention he's a mature man who is banging a teenager (BIG red flag).

[Eve]

I had a simular set up to yourself OP but had my own place. Two children later and a few years on things fizzled out. Mainly this was because I was more mature than him!

 

Thoughout the experience I still went about getting my qualifications and all that.. I was pretty successful actually!

 

The concerns of those who have posted are valid but you have to go with your gut. Hopefully you have it in you to walk away if things become abusive... thats all that matters really.

 

Anyhow, things didnt work out for me but the life experience was valid.

 

It would be wise to at least reestablish contact with family or at least friends though. H'mmm.. I didnt really have that much support when I was younger either.

 

But all in all, sometimes these things begin earlier than planned. Just be careful sweetheart.

 

I dont mean to be patronsing in any way here but if anything happens that you are unsure about please post, ok?

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve xx

[18inlove]

I had a simular set up to yourself OP but had my own place. Two children later and a few years on things fizzled out. Mainly this was because I was more mature than him!

 

Thoughout the experience I still went about getting my qualifications and all that.. I was pretty successful actually!

 

The concerns of those who have posted are valid but you have to go with your gut. Hopefully you have it in you to walk away if things become abusive... thats all that matters really.

 

Anyhow, things didnt work out for me but the life experience was valid.

 

It would be wise to at least reestablish contact with family or at least friends though. H'mmm.. I didnt really have that much support when I was younger either.

 

But all in all, sometimes these things begin earlier than planned. Just be careful sweetheart.

 

I dont mean to be patronsing in any way here but if anything happens that you are unsure about please post, ok?

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Im pretty independent besides using his car for rides to work and such. Im working FT and I have made new friends in which he dont care if I hang out with them or stay over at there place. He lets me do whatever I want(is that bad?)

He is very sweet and kind besides his drug addiction he dont have any friends that he hangs with and YES we are still living at his parents place

[D-Lish]

To be honest, I think you just have to follow through with doing what you want to do.

 

When I was your age, no one could tell me what to do once my mind was made up.

 

You have made plans to move in together- it's happening, so go and do it.

The worst thing that can happen is that you either mature and move on, or he gets bored and moves on. It's either going to work, or it's not. No one can tell you for sure if this will work or not.

 

If you're feeling good about it- do it.

[Eve]

Im pretty independent besides using his car for rides to work and such. Im working FT and I have made new friends in which he dont care if I hang out with them or stay over at there place. He lets me do whatever I want(is that bad?)

He is very sweet and kind besides his drug addiction he dont have any friends that he hangs with and YES we are still living at his parents place

 

I cant relate to the drug addiction side of things, only the older man scenario. My daughters Dad is a very successful person and was 12 years older than me when we met when I was 16. Still, he was childish as f*ck and stalked me for a while after I dumped him.

 

Gosh, this is bringing back memories! I did go out with someone once many moons ago who used cocaine. I dumped him as soon as I found out. He was a nice person and all but well.. its just not my thing.

 

All I can advise is that you get your own place and not let him move in. Dont make any committments except to work and continuing your education. I think this relationship will only 'work' when on his turf. Once you get your own place and start doing it up and having friends over etc you will LOVE it. I cant imagine that it would be any fun bringing friends over to his home.

 

Men come, men go. Work on yourself.

 

Be careful that you are not recreating a replica of your former family situation here. The mind is a funny thing where unresolved issues are concerned. I have seen young girls get into all manner of weird situations because they want to escape their families.

 

But well done you for ensuring that you are independant!! I think you need to go all the way with that and get your own place.

 

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Template]

Whether your 18 or 80, life is about the choices you make, and what you learn from them. If the signs point a happy successful life, then go for it. Why care what anyone here thinks? They say the best education is experience. However, make sure you really look at things from all angle. Play mental chess with yourself. Life is not about flowers and sunshine. Good luck

[18inlove]

Whether your 18 or 80, life is about the choices you make, and what you learn from them. If the signs point a happy successful life, then go for it. Why care what anyone here thinks? They say the best education is experience. However, make sure you really look at things from all angle. Play mental chess with yourself. Life is not about flowers and sunshine. Good luck

Yes it is about choices and luckily i have alot of money saved in the bank. And NO WE STILL DIDNT MOVE OUT...procrastination on his part ugh!

[Green]

Does this type of thing work out? Sure it does.

 

But your dealing with a situation that has a likelyhood to go bad. Just enjoy your life, and keep in touch with your family. Don't miss out on school and young people things if you want to do them. i wouldn't get pregnant with this guys baby until you are atleast 27

[18inlove]

Does this type of thing work out? Sure it does.

 

But your dealing with a situation that has a likelyhood to go bad. Just enjoy your life, and keep in touch with your family. Don't miss out on school and young people things if you want to do them. i wouldn't get pregnant with this guys baby until you are atleast 27

he doesnt care that Im hang out with alot of my friends alot during the week. And im starting to get in touch with some of my old friends i left behind. I do need to go to school.

[Eve]

Yes it is about choices and luckily i have alot of money saved in the bank. And NO WE STILL DIDNT MOVE OUT...procrastination on his part ugh!

 

Have you thought about moving into your own place with a friend or on your own? Just wondered if this was something that you would consider..

 

Seriously.. I cant promote having your own place enough. It is THE best! I think having my own place shielded me from a lot of bull**** within my former relationships.

 

Get somewhere near to a School and hang out with Students and/or your friends.. this is where you should be at your age. My daughter is having THE best time EVER in London!

 

*Eve puts her Mum hat on*

 

Sweetheart, whatever you do, dont carry this man along via your plans and choices. Remember, addicts procrastinate a whole lot. He has probably been procrastinating about the same sorts of things for years and years and years and years. Its a mindset they use to avoid reality and responsibility. Not many of them escape from it. Its just how it is..

 

If you had your own place you would see a whole other side to him.. I bet you 10p. I bet he would be huffing and puffing about the most simple of decisions like even when to come around!.. Gosh, most men are a pain anyway and get in the way.. even without being addicts..

 

.. Of course some people dont mind this..

 

Set some targets. At least view three properties/rooms within the next week. Invite some friends to the viewings too. If one of them can share with you it would be easier to afford things. Actually, if your partner moves in with you, will he share the bills? Sorry but I cant remember whether he works.

 

Seriously.. this is the perfect time of year to move somewhere.

 

Well done you for being so motivated anyway! It really does come across that way in your posts. But please dont try and 'save' or mother this man. Girl, you need to be shopping and developing interests and going to School and travelling.

 

 

Take care,

Eve xx