Your views on 18 and dating someone 31

[Trimmer]

Well, being a science and engineering kind of guy, everything I think about turns into graphs and equations, so here's how I see your situation.

 

Imagine a line - a spectrum. On the far left end are people who are sure you have found true love for your life, and that it's going to work out just fine long term. I think that's pretty much just you, at the moment.

 

Now, way on the far right end are some people who are absolutely sure that your guy is evil, manipulative, and they are sure - SURE - that he is bad, and that this will all certainly explode on you. There are a few of those posting in this thread, but note, if you look carefully, that they are trashing him, and not so much you.

 

Then, scattered along the line (but mostly, generally to the right) is everyone else, who doesn't sit on an extreme. That includes me - I'm not on the extreme, trying to guarantee you he's a bad guy who is preying on you - I accept that there might be some possibility of success, partly so I don't turn you off from listening to me - but I will say that I do sit pretty far over to the right.

 

My fundamental concern for you is that you are all the way over on that left extreme. Regardless of the age difference, you have gone "all in" so early in your life, and so soon in this relationship that you haven't left yourself any possibility for error, any margin to absorb surprises that are inevitable in relationships - although you wouldn't have experienced that yet.

 

Dating, especially at a young age, means trying people out. Try it, test it, but don't lock yourself down so quickly.

 

Look around you, at all the people with all this life experience - folks on here, your own family. Do you truly believe, at 18, that you've found the key that nobody else has, that you are immune to the realities that we are telling you about? I'm not saying it's impossible, I just wish you could accept that your situation makes it relatively unlikely, that it's not guaranteed, and it's certainly not going to be easy.

 

Incidentally, have you found anyone yet, who married young with a big "age gap" to give you some firsthand advice (other than your grandparents, who you use as an example, but whose advice you reject...)?

[Trimmer]

maybe it will end maybe not but I know he made a tough decsion when he left his ex behind, he was very confused. I think me nagging him to take me back, he felt sorry for me although he wont admit it, but like I told him if we dont work cause of my age then he gave up his ex which was closer to his age and expirienced and he said he knows what he lost and feels bad for it but he couldnt turn me away either?

Boy, this doesn't enhance one's confidence.

 

So now, what your relationship is founded upon is (1) him not kicking you out yet, and (2) the fact taht he was very confused, and couldn't turn you away.

 

A fairy tale beginning, to say the least.

[cooldudeinberlin]

I'm going to have to disagree with this. At least to some extent...

 

The age difference here, 31 to 18, plays a larger role than the character of the older man, because at these two particular ages, there is an inherent predatory nature to a 31 year old trying to "settle down" with an 18 year old. It is analogous to lions concentrating their efforts on the weak and sick individuals in a herd. They seek out the most vulnerable and easily attainable individuals...in this case, the easiest lay...and the easiest girl to keep around with the least amount of effort...it's clearly evident this guy did a great job of picking the weak antelope...OP isn't going anywhere...

 

It doesn't matter if the older man is a saint or a sinner...a well-respecting 31 year old man would know that an 18 year old is simply not ready for a committed relationship to settle down...she doesn't have enough to offer to a well-balanced relationship...unless he was only in it for arm candy, sex, or a baby machine...in that case, it would eventually become an entirely one-sided relationship where the younger girl is trapped and miserable.

 

However, note that there is a HUGE difference between a 31 y/o and 18 y/o versus a 41 y/o and 28 y/o...age difference is the same, but it is MUCH more likely that the 28 y/o is capable of sustaining an meaningful committed relationship.

 

So yes, you're right in that it is often the character of the individuals that determines the outcome of these relationships, but at the particular ages of interest in this thread, there is an inherent character flaw in the man based on those ages.

 

 

Erica's story wasnt about the 18 to 31 year old in question... is was about her situation, hence why I said her experience had nothing to do with age gap, but deeper issues they both contributed.

 

beyond that...

 

... I do agree that the age gap between a 30 to 18 year old is far greater than say the gap between a 50 to 30 yr old...although the later is 20 years difference... seriously, what is someone thinking when they would enter into a relationship with a teenager... they have barely begun to live life and cant quite grasp all the different experiences they have yet to have... by the time an 18 year woman old gets to be 30, she would have already been 3 different women.

[cooldudeinberlin]

Im sorry you have been hurt in your life and you dont believe in love anymore. Or you never had any rough patches and illnesses in your family and you had to help out your parents. So lucky!

 

now come on... if you dont want age to be an issue, then why show your age by making such comments? Marine wasnt being critical, his responses are actually quite thoughtful and helpful... he isnt trying to discourage you (from what Ive read) he seems insightful and trying to encourage you: growth, becoming more aware of what's best for you and your needs, etc.

 

you may not like some of the answers and maybe some of them are out and out judgemental, intolerant and insulting... ignore them, but dont trash on those who actually do have the age, wisdom and experience... still, it all maybe the exception... but something made you post this thread (?)

[18inlove]

now come on... if you dont want age to be an issue, then why show your age by making such comments? Marine wasnt being critical, his responses are actually quite thoughtful and helpful... he isnt trying to discourage you (from what Ive read) he seems insightful and trying to encourage you: growth, becoming more aware of what's best for you and your needs, etc.

 

you may not like some of the answers and maybe some of them are out and out judgemental, intolerant and insulting... ignore them, but dont trash on those who actually do have the age, wisdom and experience... still, it all maybe the exception... but something made you post this thread (?)

 

First off nobody is perfect and you cant help who you fall in love with.

Secondly, I am sure you are around my BF's age or older and if you had the chance to be with an 18 year old you would too..just cause Im 18 doesnt mean i shouldnt be loved by an older man. It doesnt mean he is a creeper or sick. It means we met fell inlove and thats that.

Last, I do take seriously what I have read on here so far, I know the odds are against us, and I do often wonder why about alot of things but if i continue to question and worry then whats the point in living?

[aerogurl87]

I read your original post and I doubt this will last, and oddly enough it's not even the age gap. One week is not long enough time to get over a 4 year relationship. A year, maybe, but a week, no way. I wasn't even really ready for a relationship a month after breaking up with my ex boyfriend of 6 months. I made the mistake of dating someone new and everything was great until I realized that I really was using him as a rebound, especially after his flaws starting popping out and I couldn't ignore them (and he was 31 and I was/am 20). So that's something to think about.

 

As for the age gap I think it's possible to work, but as a 20 year old whose dated guys between the 1 to 14 years my senior, I'd not suggest it. The oldest guy I dated was 33 when I was 19. He was hot, we had similar interests, but I started projecting into the future and 10 years from now I didn't see myself being happy with a 44 year old when I was 29. I mean he'd want to probably start a family asap while I wanted to wait a few years. Just some things to think about.

[You'reasian]

As for the age gap I think it's possible to work, but as a 20 year old whose dated guys between the 1 to 14 years my senior, I'd not suggest it. The oldest guy I dated was 33 when I was 19. He was hot, we had similar interests, but I started projecting into the future and 10 years from now I didn't see myself being happy with a 44 year old when I was 29. I mean he'd want to probably start a family asap while I wanted to wait a few years. Just some things to think about.

 

44 and 29 have a lot more in common than 33 and 19, respectively.

 

A relationship between two adults (44 and 29) is more likely to be stable compared to the 33 and 19 year old in the other case; the woman is going to change alot in her early to mid 20's.

[aerogurl87]

44 and 29 have a lot more in common than 33 and 19, respectively.

 

A relationship between two adults (44 and 29) is more likely to be stable compared to the 33 and 19 year old in the other case; the woman is going to change alot in her early to mid 20's.

 

You'reasian you are correct, but my point was that a person in their early twenties/late teens is not on the same page as a person in their 30s usually. If I were 29 I probably would want a family and all that, but there are a few years before that happens. But a man in his 30s will probably want a family now if he's serious since that's the age at which most men want to start a family. Personally I've found through trial and error that I'm happier with a guy closer to my age, who is mature also. My boyfriend now is 18 and I'm 20, he's the first guy I've dated whose been younger than me and he is more mature than my ex who was 31. But I think the OP's boyfriend exhibits signs of Peter Pan syndrome like my ex did.

 

Like her boyfriend my ex lived at home with his parents. Claimed he was going to move out soon, but it's 6 months later and he's still at home with mommy and daddy although he is financially stable enough to move out. He also bought me stuff (I mean I got an Ipod Touch for my birthday and we hadn't been dating a month), but in the end he wasn't really looking to settle down although he liked me. But he was a homebody who was lonely and looking for some companionship that I provided him. But he did a good job trying to string me along with buying me dinner every week and other random stuff, but after awhile the shine of that wears off. I want a potential life partner and he definitely was not that, and from going back and reading more of the OP's posts I doubt her boyfriend is husband potential either. As my mom told me, before a man can marry you and take care of a family with you he has to be able to take care of himself.

[You'reasian]

You'reasian you are correct, but my point was that a person in their early twenties/late teens is not on the same page as a person in their 30s usually. If I were 29 I probably would want a family and all that, but there are a few years before that happens. But a man in his 30s will probably want a family now if he's serious since that's the age at which most men want to start a family. Personally I've found through trial and error that I'm happier with a guy closer to my age, who is mature also. My boyfriend now is 18 and I'm 20, he's the first guy I've dated whose been younger than me and he is more mature than my ex who was 31. But I think the OP's boyfriend exhibits signs of Peter Pan syndrome like my ex did.

 

Like her boyfriend my ex lived at home with his parents. Claimed he was going to move out soon, but it's 6 months later and he's still at home with mommy and daddy although he is financially stable enough to move out. He also bought me stuff (I mean I got an Ipod Touch for my birthday and we hadn't been dating a month), but in the end he wasn't really looking to settle down although he liked me. But he was a homebody who was lonely and looking for some companionship that I provided him. But he did a good job trying to string me along with buying me dinner every week and other random stuff, but after awhile the shine of that wears off. I want a potential life partner and he definitely was not that, and from going back and reading more of the OP's posts I doubt her boyfriend is husband potential either. As my mom told me, before a man can marry you and take care of a family with you he has to be able to take care of himself.

 

I think alot of adults exhibit the Peter pan syndrome: take the area of fitness.

 

Some people believe that part of growing older means you have to let yourself go and that living a fit and active lifestyle rather means you are trying to "latch on to youth" and is therefore an indicator of Peter pan syndrome.

 

Most of the people who believe the above usually aren't the more active ones, ironically.

 

Your mom is correct. A man should be able to take care of himself by cooking, cleaning, doing basic maintenance on things (doesn't have to be a skilled mechanic) and pay his rent/mortgage ideally on time. What do you define as taking care of onesself?

 

As far as whether the OPs boyfriend is marriage material is going to be her decision. Understand that reading one or two posts about someone is completely different than living with someone for an extended amount of time and being one of the personalities inovled.

 

I remember when I was 19 and thought I knew it all...wait till you find out how little you do know, its amazing

Edited April 9, 2010 by You'reasian

[aerogurl87]

I think alot of adults exhibit the Peter pan syndrome: take the area of fitness.

 

Some people believe that part of growing older means you have to let yourself go and that living a fit and active lifestyle rather means you are trying to "latch on to youth" and is therefore an indicator of Peter pan syndrome.

 

Most of the people who believe the above usually aren't the more active ones, ironically.

 

Your mom is correct. A man should be able to take care of himself by cooking, cleaning, doing basic maintenance on things (doesn't have to be a skilled mechanic) and pay his rent/mortgage ideally on time. What do you define as taking care of onesself?

 

As far as whether the OPs boyfriend is marriage material is going to be her decision. Understand that reading one or two posts about someone is completely different than living with someone for an extended amount of time and being one of the personalities inovled.

 

I remember when I was 19 and thought I knew it all...wait till you find out how little you do know, its amazing

 

Haha yeah I'm 20 now and I've grown alot since last year so I know I still have alot of growing to do. But I think taking care of yourself means your financially responsible, have basic domestic skills (ex. cooking and cleaning), and are mentally and emotionally independant. I think it's ok if you don't have a clear cut plan about the future, but if you have a good idea of where you want to be that's fine too.

 

But I mean when you have to look to someone else to find happiness with yourself, then you are not taking care of yourself. I learned that the hard way when I was 18 and looked to my ex boyfriend for everything. But when we broke up it forced me to find myself, which I'm still doing now a little bit, but at least now I can honestly say I love and am happy with who I am and as they say you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else.

[18inlove]

Haha yeah I'm 20 now and I've grown alot since last year so I know I still have alot of growing to do. But I think taking care of yourself means your financially responsible, have basic domestic skills (ex. cooking and cleaning), and are mentally and emotionally independant. I think it's ok if you don't have a clear cut plan about the future, but if you have a good idea of where you want to be that's fine too.

 

But I mean when you have to look to someone else to find happiness with yourself, then you are not taking care of yourself. I learned that the hard way when I was 18 and looked to my ex boyfriend for everything. But when we broke up it forced me to find myself, which I'm still doing now a little bit, but at least now I can honestly say I love and am happy with who I am and as they say you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else.

 

Thank you for posting and being familiar with my situation. My question to you is and I often wonder myself, Why he moved so fast with me and what exactly caused your relationship to end and how did you let him go?

[linwood]

18 you`ll be fine if you just follow a few rules.

 

-Do not get pregnant.

-Do not get married.

-Get to a financially secure position.

(Meaning you have enough money to GTFO at a moments notice.)

-Watch for signs of controlling behavior (which he has already exhibited to some extent concerning your family/friends)

-Keep working on your life (It really sounds like you`re doing well with what you`ve got.This type of relationship could throw you way back if you don`t cover your ass.

-You are your number #1 priority always..ALWAYS.

 

Give it 5 years and if you both still feel the same.

Marry him.

[aerogurl87]

Thank you for posting and being familiar with my situation. My question to you is and I often wonder myself, Why he moved so fast with me and what exactly caused your relationship to end and how did you let him go?

 

Well with my first boyfriend whom I had originally planned to get married, he was 19 and I was 18 at the time. We broke up because he got caught up with the wrong group of people and ended up going to jail. End of story.

 

With my ex who was 31, we actually didn't break up because of his age. Our breakup was caused because he never verbally communicated how he felt about me to me. I spent 2 months or so trying to make it work, but the less he listened to me (I told him I needed him to tell me how he felt to be happy with our relationship) the more detached from him emotionally. Then one day it got to the point where I had had enough, so we went out on what I knew would be our last date. I had planned to break up when he dropped me off at home but when I tried I started crying. So after he dropped me off and got back home I called him and told him that I couldn't be with him anymore. It broke his heart and I think he still likes me, but I had to do what's best for me. So that's mostly my advice, do what makes you happy (and if it's being with this guy, go do it) but make sure you watch out for yourself also. If he does anything that makes you feel less valued or cared for, walk away. Life's too short to waste it on being with someone who doesn't make you feel like your worthwhile.

[Lauriebell82]

Last, I do take seriously what I have read on here so far, I know the odds are against us, and I do often wonder why about alot of things but if i continue to question and worry then whats the point in living?

 

Do you want to end up divorced at age 19 when you BF decides to go back to his ex?

[18inlove]

Do you want to end up divorced at age 19 when you BF decides to go back to his ex?

He hasnt been with her or talked to her in 6 months I dont think he will ever. Why do you think that he will?

[Lauriebell82]

He hasnt been with her or talked to her in 6 months I dont think he will ever. Why do you think that he will?

 

Because he did it once before...

 

History has a way of repeating itself unfortunately.

[18inlove]

Because he did it once before...

 

History has a way of repeating itself unfortunately.

 

Thats cause he was confused making the decsion. Now he is sure of me and Im pretty sure he is over her now thanks

[CarrieT]

Thats cause he was confused making the decsion. Now he is sure of me and Im pretty sure he is over her now thanks

 

Would you do me a favor?

 

Print out this entire thread and put it somewhere where you won't open it for ten years.

 

Please. I beg of you. I was an 18-year-old who loved an older man (he was 37). I just never lived with him. And since there is no way you are going to believe any of us that HAVE experienced it and have learned the painful, hard, truth that it does not last, I would ask that you keep a copy of all that has been transcribed to you and refer back to it years from now.

 

Will you do that for me, please?

[norajane]

Thats cause he was confused making the decsion. Now he is sure of me and Im pretty sure he is over her now thanks

 

A man who gets "confused" when a new girl comes along (you) and ends up going back and forth between two women, is a man who easily gets "confused". Just because he may be over her, does not mean he won't get "confused" the next time a pretty girl comes his way and then you will be the one who gets dumped. You're welcome.

[18inlove]

Would you do me a favor?

 

Print out this entire thread and put it somewhere where you won't open it for ten years.

 

Please. I beg of you. I was an 18-year-old who loved an older man (he was 37). I just never lived with him. And since there is no way you are going to believe any of us that HAVE experienced it and have learned the painful, hard, truth that it does not last, I would ask that you keep a copy of all that has been transcribed to you and refer back to it years from now.

 

Will you do that for me, please?

You know what I am going to. I will put it with my journal great idea!

It just sucks that everyone feels I am doomed, So whats the sense in ever trying to live and love if it all ends in brokenhearts?

[18inlove]

A man who gets "confused" when a new girl comes along (you) and ends up going back and forth between two women, is a man who easily gets "confused". Just because he may be over her, does not mean he won't get "confused" the next time a pretty girl comes his way and then you will be the one who gets dumped. You're welcome.

I wasnt too happy when he was confused but he was with her for many years. I understood.

He is a long term relationship kinda guy his longest with her 6 years and and 2 other 1+ years SO Im good

[norajane]

I wasnt too happy when he was confused but he was with her for many years. I understood.

He is a long term relationship kinda guy his longest with her 6 years and and 2 other 1+ years SO Im good

 

Look up the term serial monogamist.

[18inlove]

Look up the term serial monogamist.

 

I can see where you would suggest that, but lots of people have multiple LTR in a lifetime. His was leading up to marriage, maybe he got cold feet, Im not sure but we already talked marriage and kids lets hope he goes thru with it , if not you are right about him being a serial monogomist!

[CarrieT]

So whats the sense in ever trying to live and love if it all ends in brokenhearts?

 

No one has been suggesting that -- we have been suggesting that you live your life first WITHOUT him; or at least on your own.

[18inlove]

No one has been suggesting that -- we have been suggesting that you live your life first WITHOUT him; or at least on your own.

How do I just go backwards..move out and just date? We like living together? So whats the point? We share expensives ect..so its easier this way