dating a not-quite-divorced guy

[guest]

i'm in a situation i've never been in before and i'd like to get some feedback. about a month ago i met a really great guy. we're both in our early thirties. i've never been married, but he has .... in fact, technically, he still is. he was very up front about his situation before we went on our first date. they've been married for six years, they have a five year old boy.

 

the marriage has been bad for the last three years. they tried counseling but it didn't work. in july he decided to move out, a choice his wife strongly objected to. despite their constant fighting she insisted that the marriage be kept intact. she couldn't even argue that it was for their son's sake, as the little boy was very troubled by his parents constant fighting. according to him, she has been in denial about their relationship for a long time. in counseling, and at other times, he told her point-blank: "i don't love you anymore. i just want to work out the best arrangement for our son." to which she replied, "you just don't know what love is. you do love me you just don't know it."

 

so he moved out, they both filed for divorce in august. but she has been using their son as a pawn to hold up the divorce and to make things as onerous for her ex as possible. they're in litigation about custody (she wants sole, he wants joint). so that's why the divorce isn't final.

 

now to my question: I have never been involved with a married man before. to be honest, I wouldn't, but for all intents and purposes he's not married. he has his own fully furnished place with a fully furnished bedroom for his son. he really does seem to be leveling with me, my gut instinct isn't troubled by this at all. on the other hand i really like this guy and i just need a reality check: am I being very foolish by getting involved with him?

 

I'm pretty observant and it does seem like he's emotionally over his wife. He refers to her as his ex. He doesn't bad-mouth her, even when she angers him with new twists as to what she wants for their son. He's willing and able to talk about her and the marriage in a calm and reasoned way; but he's not obsessed with it. He's a very intelligent guy, and emotionally intelligent as well.

 

We're both very busy with our careers and he has the added responsibility of his son (2 days per week and every other weekend, he seems to be a terrific, involved dad) and the custody negotiations. So we're not in each other's hair 24/7. but I feel like we're growing close to each other and it would be easy for me to fall pretty hard for him.

 

anyone with experience in these matters, please advise: am I being foolish? are there warning signs I'm missing? thanks!

[Skittles]

Welcome guest.

 

 

Two words:

Protect yourself.

 

 

 

Two more words.

Divorce papers

 

 

 

 

Good Luck.

[moimeme]

Divorces can take some time, particularly if kids are involved. If this guy is living in a different home then that is a fairly clear indication that the marriage is over. Be prepared for endless stories about how rotten the wife is being about the kids but, other than that, there should be no prob. Is he still wearing his ring, BTW?

[SoleMate]

but for all intents and purposes he's not married

 

Sorry, but this is not true. He is legally married, and he is linked forever to the mother of his son by their shared parenthood. He cannot legally marry you yet, and many people will disapprove of you and him for indulging in this relationship, because...he's married!

 

they're in litigation about custody (she wants sole, he wants joint). so that's why the divorce isn't final.

I can't tell the future, but there is a non-zero chance that they will patch things up and the mm will move back to his family. The dispute over their son keeps them interacting, and it sounds as if the wife is not ready to let go. The husband may not be ready either, despite what he has told you. I wouldn't count any chickens here, my friend. Be ready to lose him at a moment's notice and maybe without even an "I'm sorry" or "goodbye".

 

my gut instinct isn't troubled by this at all

Pay no attention to your intuition, it is just there to warn you of things your conscious mind doesn't want to accept.

[moimeme]

for indulging in this relationship, because...he's married!

 

Oh, gracious. It took a few years after my separation to get my divorce. Neither my ex nor I nor anyone we dated considered me (or him) married. Once you're out of the house, you're gone. Of course, she could wait until the wife drags out the custody issues for what - a year? Great way for wife to ruin her ex's life, no?

 

I'm not hearing any longing for the wife here - and the guy has his own place. I would be exceedingly surprised if they call the lawyers and tell them to tear up the papers at this point .

 

Pay no attention to your intuition

 

The worst mistakes I've ever made were because I ignored my intuition.

[HokeyReligions]

Welcome Guest!

 

The dating a married person debate is a hot one! You sound quite level-headed about it all and are thinking things through--that's great.

 

It seems most people advocate "wait until he's free before you date" and I'm one of them. However, there are always twists and turns that are unique to each situation. He has moved out. He is being as honest with you as he knows how.

 

True, the custody could drag out for a very long time. Even if the divorce were amiable - he will always have her in his life somehow simply because of their child. With continuous contact and the need to be involved, and involve her in decision making regarding their child there is always an off-chance that they will reconcile. Possibility not probability.

 

All I can say is, if you can keep it in the forefront of your mind and your feelings --- don't fall in love yet. Date, take it slow, and get to know each other. Hopefully you are not a rebound. Why did they divorce? Was there another woman? another man? Had he already moved out before he even met you? You don't have to answer those questions here--but in your place those are things I would want to know.

[guest]

thanks to all who replied.

 

to moimeme: no he doesn't wear a ring. there are no pictures of his (ex)wife in his apartment, except in his son's room, where there is a photo of son & mom together, which i think is appropriate.

 

to solemate: well i'm not really interested in what judgements other people might pass on me. i'm concerned about my relationship with the guy i'm seeing. i had nothing to do with their break-up.

 

to hokeyreligions: you raise some good questions. he moved out in july, i didn't meet him until december. so i am absolutely not the reason why he and his wife separated. they are divorcing because they disagree on many fundamental things. they came together because of some fairly big but ultimately superficial common interests; once they were married (after a year of dating) they found that they weren't as compatible as they thought they would be. they disagree about things pertaining to their son. we haven't gone into the nitty gritty of what was wrong with their relationship but his take on it is that they simply aren't compatible to spend the rest of their lives together. incessant fighting. he's quite sure that he doesn't want to be with her.

 

as for me being a rebound, i've thought of that. i'm the first person he's been involved with since he moved out. but he doesn't seem to be ricocheting out of the marriage -- as he describes things, the divorce was a long time coming, and a decision he is quite at peace with. i have never heard him say that he wishes he'd never met his wife (he loves his son too much to think that), but he did say that the marriage was a mistake, pure and simple.

 

anyway as skittles and hokeyreligions advise i'm going to go into this slowly and with my eyes open. they are meeting next week (with lawyers of course) to see if they can reach an agreement about custody. if so, then the divorce will be finalized and that will be that. if not ... well, we'll see. the way i see it by the time you get to be my age everyone has baggage. at least this guy is demonstrating that he's able to devote himself to another's well-being; i'm so impressed by the way he puts his son's needs first. that's worth quite a lot.

[reservoirdog1]

Thought I'd add my two cents, as a still legally married man who's dating. I moved out on November 1. TBXW had been secretly unhappy for the whole 7-year marriage and had had 3 affairs. The discussions we've had since she dropped this bombshell on me in August revealed that she needed to be with somebody of a totally different personality type in order to be happy in marriage. That ain't me, pure and simple.

 

As I said, that revelation about her happiness and what she needed was a total shock to me. But, I've accepted it. I realized this week that, for the first time, my life with TBXW actually feels like it's the "previous chapter" and not part of now -- a few months have passed so the memories, sights, sounds, etc. are becoming more blurry and indistinct. Living alone (but having the kids 2-3 days per week) now feels like the way it is and the way it will be -- not just a change from the norm. This is the new norm.

 

So, how should you approach it? He needs to be completely honest with you. He needs to tell you how he's feeling about things, and tell you more than once if necessary. While he should avoid talking excessively about his TBXW, he shouldn't be afraid to do so -- and that will benefit you, because it will enable you to more accurately guage if he's really over her or just putting on a brave face while struggling to move on. You should encourage him to be as honest with you as possible.

 

Yes, there's still a possibility that they could get back together. The future isn't written. But is it ever written? Even if his TBXW weren't part of the equation, there's an equal possibility that he could simply decide you aren't the one for him, and dump you. Getting involved in any relationship runs the risk of hurting you, but sometimes, with the right person, it's a risk worth taking. Admittedly there are some special considerations here, but the mere fact that he's technically still married isn't a deal breaker, IMHO. The fact that he's moved out gives you an indication that it's actually over with TBXW. Not a guarantee, but an indication.

 

Starting my first day in my apartment, I had a fling for a few weeks with a woman I'd known platonically for years. We both knew it was probably a rebound and we both had our eyes open. I broke it off after a few weeks because I wasn't ready to go there yet. The woman I've been dating for the last month, however, seems like a different situation -- not like a rebound. But that's just my take on it.

 

So, long story short, go with your instinct. If things don't feel kosher, then step back and reassess. Don't over-analyze -- there's no formula to this. Trust your gut.