I keep asking my guy about his past and it's driving him nuts. Is he overreacting?

[Thinkalot]

Thank you both midori and moimeme. I think cooling it and not talking about the past is a good thing. I have tried to avoid the subject altogether (at my bf's request) but I find it very tough!

Midori, your anology with the drugs was fairly apt, as today my bf said, it's as though your an addict who needs a fix

 

I am actually trying something my therapist suggested which involves allowing myself half an hour a day to worry and write in a journal all the obsessive questions which come into my mind. Then at the end of the week I can look back over them objectively.

 

Also, I don't think my questions were innocent last night. I think I got off track, without even realising I was doing it. It just sneaks on up on me, and sometimes I just don't get a handle on it quick enough. Then it's too late. he's tense, I'm upset and so on.

 

My bf and I read this thread and had a long chat this morning. He agrees he needs to treat me with more respect and feels bad he lets his anger get out of control. But he has also said he needs a break from me asking questions, or even me talking about my issues and how I am going. He suggested I talk to friends instead, and just give he and I some normal time, without my stuff being in the foreground all the time. I am going to try very hard to do this. We actually had a nice relaxing day off together, and took time to simply be and connect. So that's a good thing.

 

We also made a deal that he will try to avoid name calling or swearing at me where possible. And that if he must, he can swear away, just not directly at me. I agreed to avoid the usual stuff I go on with. We will both try to uphold our end of the bargin.

 

You know, I do feel embarrassed by all this. I try not to put myself down, but having these issues feels so silly and weak. Oh well, it's just some lessons I am learning at the moment. I'll get there.

[moimeme]

Thinkalot - there's nothing to be embarrassed about. You didn't choose to have your brain lock itself into obsessive thinking. It did it without your approval and you're having to fight it. I'm glad you had a great day. Kudos to you both for reading the thread together and discussing it.

 

It will be VERY HARD to keep up both your ends of the bargain. I'm not saying this to discourage you, but rather to remind you that you have to work HARD to do it. It stinks, but once you're through this, you will be so proud you beat it!!

[Thinkalot]

Thanks again Merry. My partner also wishes to say his thanks to you all for the wise words, and especially you Merry, as he feels you can really relate to what he's going through on his side of the fence. We both feel lighter now, for having aired some of these things. I realise it will still be hard, but we both feel the relationship is worth it, and we are very aware of the problems to try and avoid. I am glad I stood my ground too, and glad he had a chance to really speak his mind, and fears and worries to me!

[moimeme]

It is so great to hear of a partnership where both people are willing to work hard to make it work! You two are to be complimented on your willing attitudes and earnest efforts to get your relationship on track. I have nothing but the greatest of hope for you - I think you're not only going to survive, but thrive

[moimeme]

One note for people who don't get what's going on here. Anger is not an emotion. It is a reaction to an emotion; and often that emotion is pain. Thinkalot, by continually questioning her bf, is daily telling him that she doesn't trust him or believe him. This hurts a lot. He needs to feel trusted but is reminded again and again that he is not. It hurts to be trustworthy and still be mistrusted. Anger is a defense - you react with anger to make the source of the pain stop doing what it's doing to you.

[Thinkalot]

Yes, moimeme, that's how it makes him feel. Frustrated also, because it is something so out of his control, and something so hard for him to relate to or understand, when his mind doesn't work like mine has been!

 

It's a new day again here, and I am working, while he has a day off. He is planning to cook a special Jamie Oliver dinner for us tonight. He is trying so hard, as am I. I love him so.

 

To those who fear this is abusive, yes, at times, it certainly feels awful and it is certainly not healthy. Sometimes I have felt quite shocked by the whole thing. But there is a cause and effect going on, and this is not the norm for us, nor was it ever present BEFORE I started my obsessing/questioning.

 

I posted as I need some guidance as to how to handle the situation- his anger/swearing- and the best way to make it stop, or diminish. I also posted because I know having to hear that kind of stuff from him IS unhealthy and very bad for my self esteem and our relationship. It is also bad for HIM, because it makes him feel bad too. I needed perspective from all sides.

 

This thread has been an excellent communication tool for us and helped us calmly talk about our situation and try and draw up guidelines. We both know what we need to fix. We are both aware of the harmful side effects my issues can bring about. We both know we are both responsible for our own behaviour. We both love each other and are committed.

 

Thanks. This has helped us through a difficult patch.

[jenny]

you're very strong. i tend to jump to the abuse conclusion after the work that i have done; but this seems to be different. we are only concerned about the immediate health and safety of the woman and children concerned; the state of the man is simply not exigent in our capacity.

 

anyway, congrats and best of luck!

[meanon]

Communication is critical so understanding how your boyfriend feels will help. You have such a strong relationship you will find ways of overcoming this I am sure. As Moimeme says, anger does not occur in a vacuum and is often a response. You need to be clear that a response of that strength/type must stop. He needs to find other ways to cope and you can help him do this better if you stop taking all the blame for having provoked the response.

 

Please do talk to your therapist about what it is realistic to expect in terms of making an extra effort to stop the behaviour completely for a short period. My understanding of the illness is that trying to simply stop the obsessive thoughts is about as easy as asking someone who is depressed to be happy. The goal of treatment is to work with you to develop ways to stop reacting to the thoughts when they come and then to try and stop them coming. You have made really good progress - please be careful about creating a situation where you feel bad about yourself and feel you have let your boyfriend down because you are not cured overnight.

 

I have mentioned before my friend who is a psychiatrist who has OCD and treats others with the same. It is very very common that as soon as the patient begins to get well a previously supportive partner suddenly reacts badly, specifically with a lack of tolerance. I am not sure I fully understood the reasons she gave but it underlines the need to speak to your therapist who may have a different perspective on what it is happening. Your relationship has evolved within the context of your illness. Now there is a seismic shift in the foundations and it takes a while for the relationship to adjust to the changed dynamics. In the same way that you have a certain response to risk and lack of control, your bf's anger may be his way of dealing with this change. Whilst the illness was hard for him to cope with and he will want you to be well, he will have found ways of coping with the illness that include drawing from it some reassurance that the focus of your attention is solely on him. Within the first couple of weeks after what is often a sudden improvement in the condition, partners often react in ways that would seem to provoke the illness and cause insecurity in their partner. This is not done consciously in most cases. If this explains part of what is happening with your bf and you then it will settle soon. Hang in there.

[moimeme]

Aren't humans fascinating?

[meanon]

Absolutely!

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by meanon

You have made really good progress - please be careful about creating a situation where you feel bad about yourself and feel you have let your boyfriend down because you are not cured overnight.

 

Thank you. I often do feel that way, and then try some positive self-talk to overcome it! I am reading a book called The Power is Within You, and it has some great tips on being kind to yourself.

 

I am not sure if my bf is reacting negatively to my improvements, on some subconscious level. It seems unlikely. But the next time I talk to my psychologist I will discuss the problem of anger, and other ways to help keep my own behaviour in check for the shortterm.

 

I also do think my bf is aware of the fact that he needs, as best he can, to take control of his responses and being responsible for his behaviour. There is just no escaping the fact that it is tough for us both sometimes at the moment!

 

Oh and Jenny- thank you too. Sometimes I feel more weak than strong (when the silly thoughts come in), but I understand that I have the strength to fight this!