Scrap nc, full contact heals fast

[Engadget]

I understand the concept, it's like when you have a fever. If you constantly take medicine to make it go away, you can actually just prolong the fever.

 

However with someone you love, the emotional pain is worse. I can handle physical pain. Emotional pain is much tougher.

[kyta]

Wow this thred took off a bit, i did mean stab with a steak, not t-bone or rib-eye, i meant wooden, i have watched many movies where they use wooden ones, and it kills the vampire instanly, wood it is, it has to be, unless i got it wrong and shes a wherewolf!!! then its a silver bullit, mmmmm to much eveidence with a gun and bullit, shes a vampire, for sure, aw man is there any rite way to do it? each case is diffrent, anyway, i had a wicked day, been out on my bike all day, been to the sea side and smelt the sea air, sun, and shes moaned to me how bad it is at home, ah well her choice, im not wastin my life, im gonna stab her in the heart and put her out her misery for sure, they will prais me and thank me, il b able to walk with my head held high as the crowds shout and cheer for the new slayer yayyyyyy.

 

i really am mad!!!!!!!

[GrayClouds]

I wouldn`t discount it so quickly. Reliant on personality type, sometimes continued contact helps you to see the other person more clearly after the rose-coloured glasses come off. That`s when it becomes easy to let go `cause you say to yourself, WTF was I thinking?

 

But if you`re the type of person who hangs on for dear life and can`t see the other person objectively, then yes, NC is the way to go.

 

You speak of the exception to the rule. As long has one has desire to continue the realtionship, the tint in those glasses you speak of continues to distort. NC helps one remove those glasses much more quickly for most.

 

Playing the odds going NC is seldom is a mistake, while continuation of contact usual is, bet wisely.

[WiseOne1]

Lol, and what if you love them and accept their flaws?

 

Then you have what you call (Unconditional love)

[WiseOne1]

Well it sounds like an ego thing for you for sure if you feel smug at the fact your ex isn't as attractive in your eyes as she once was.

Me and my ex accepted each other totally, neither of us was perfect, no-one is.

I chose my ex because of his personality, looks secondary, money didn't even come into it, wtf?!

All the things I loved about him are still there whether I see him or not, meeting him up with him and still loving those things about him was incredibly painful. I don't get why you think an ex is likely to change a lot after splitting with you.

Full contact reminded me of what I was missing.

 

Exactly, I do think I said that Full Contact won't work for everyone!

[WiseOne1]

Please tell me that is sarcasm?

 

Isn't them breaking up with you, and deeming you 'unworthy' of relationship potential to them, enough?? I think that's their greatest flaw of all! Not holding you in high regard!

 

I'd understand if both parties agreed to break up because they are better off being friends than partners, but that's rarely the case. Usually, one of them wants to stay together, and the other doesn't. If that other person doesn't want to be with you, why do they still get to talk to you? Why do they still get the best of you? Because you allow yourself to be in that situation to still see their flaws??

 

The only person you are helping by staying in contact, is the dumper. You are feeding their ego. You are allowing them to still have you in some way. While you, are left on the sidelines. That doesn't seem very fair to me.

 

You live in a VERY fantasy world....isn't 98% of loveshack filled with people who were told (I don't want you, Im moving on, I don't feel the same way)??????????????? if people really took it that easy, loveshack would be halfway empty, besides the coping section that is...but all the other sections are based on "getting back together"

 

Also I agree, it does help the Dumper move on, but it can also help the dumpee move on, but I'll leave all of this up to the thread starter to explain.

[northstar1]

i wish nothing bothered me like it does to you.

 

EmperorR like all of us, walked the walk of pain. However, like everyone else, you eventually do get fed up of feeling like 'crap' and you get over it.

[kyta]

I'll leave all of this up to the thread starter to explain.[/b]

 

Leave it to me to explain,. i only want to stab her in the heart, cant explain anythin else, she just phoned me and told me she dumped all his suff outside, they had another row, lmfao id lay money they sort it out tomorrow, if so then i can walk away easy, dont need much more, i told ya nc is not for me, i need to face the pain, feel it, its killing evereything i had for her.

[northstar1]

Another proven fact, is that breakup pain is 80% of EGO, yea the ego and self-esteem is hurt pretty badly, and alot of people have stated on loveshack that they only way they were able to get over someone, was to allow them to show some un-attractive features..

 

For example, I still thought about one of my ex's like the (hot sexy girl) she was when we went out, I did not know about her life, I did not even go as far as seeing a picture of her, and then BAM....through full contact, I found out that shes 300lbs (gained 200lbs), she lost her sexy figuire, shes slept with many guys, an shes even missing some teeth and shes only 20????????

 

No Im not stating that love is about looks, but in love we have choosen partners due to looks, money, and personality, and most likely the things you liked about them, NO LONGER EXIST!!....and with NC you would never know that.

 

So full contact, is the only way....the only way.....to give yourself time to see there FLAWS.

 

It's the only way for a very very small minority.

 

The majority of people on the board who continue to stay in contact with ex's after the break, under whatever guise (friendship, 2nd chance etc) are the same ones who wallow in pain and misery for months/years.

 

And the way to restore your ego and pride is to realize you deserve better, and that if an ex breaks up with you, they no longer get access to your life at any level.

Explain to me how staying in contact with and ex in most cases is going to restore your ego?

[kyta]

Explain to me how staying in contact with and ex in most cases is going to restore your ego?[/b]

 

 

if ends up proving to you wot a worthless piece of shi t they are and u move on, just got off the phone to her, shes split up with her ex she got back with and dumped me for, yet now she wants to be alone to sort herself out lol, for the last 2 months she bin tellin me how much she misses us, lol give a fuc k her life crap npow i laugh, im gettin over it, and its working, i wont need anymore closure than wot im gettin.

Edited April 8, 2010 by kyta

[GrayClouds]

kyta your talk of ego is revealing , for often building ego is a substitute for hard work of building self esteem. It appears, your case, your feeling superior is at the expense of actually growing and becoming healthier version of yourself.

Edited April 9, 2010 by GrayClouds

[annxxdisaster]

kyta your talk of ego is revealing , for often building ego is a substitute for hard work of building self esteem. It appears, your case, your feeling superior is at the expense of actually growing and becoming healthier version of yourself.

 

It's like the bully at the play ground. They have something to prove to you or to the rest of the world, so they do it by making themselves feel superior to all the other underlings. Yet, by doing so, they are really just showing how insecure they truly are.

 

I've found that focusing on how ****ty an ex's life must be now that we're not together only brought me temporary joy, followed by a much longer lasting tang of sadness.

 

ANYWAY.

 

I would say the truly 'superior' or confident person is the type that is content with themselves and life regardless if the ex is doing well or sleeping in the gutter. Happiness isn't a competition and when you try to make it one, nothing is truly going to make you happy...everything is just fluff that keeps you distracted from your underlying problems.

[GrayClouds]

It's like the bully at the play ground. They have something to prove to you or to the rest of the world, so they do it by making themselves feel superior to all the other underlings. Yet, by doing so, they are really just showing how insecure they truly are.

 

I've found that focusing on how ****ty an ex's life must be now that we're not together only brought me temporary joy, followed by a much longer lasting tang of sadness.

 

ANYWAY.

 

I would say the truly 'superior' or confident person is the type that is content with themselves and life regardless if the ex is doing well or sleeping in the gutter. Happiness isn't a competition and when you try to make it one, nothing is truly going to make you happy...everything is just fluff that keeps you distracted from your underlying problems.

 

Wow, Lady you do get it.

Truly impressive AnnxxD your on a role and may need to change your screen name to something like AnnxxEnlightened.

[EricaH329]

You live in a VERY fantasy world....isn't 98% of loveshack filled with people who were told (I don't want you, Im moving on, I don't feel the same way)??????????????? if people really took it that easy, loveshack would be halfway empty, besides the coping section that is...but all the other sections are based on "getting back together"

 

Also I agree, it does help the Dumper move on, but it can also help the dumpee move on, but I'll leave all of this up to the thread starter to explain.

 

Hold on a second, I never once said that it was easy. So where do you get the idea that I live in a fantasy world? And I wasn't implying that it was helpful for the dumper. I think maybe you should re-read what I posted carefully.

[WiseOne1]

Hold on a second, I never once said that it was easy. So where do you get the idea that I live in a fantasy world? And I wasn't implying that it was helpful for the dumper. I think maybe you should re-read what I posted carefully.

 

Sorry about that, I think I came off the wrong way.

 

In the end, all I have to say is diffrent things works for diffrent people, and full NC has never worked for me, contact has helped me get over old relationships.

 

When I did NC, all I did is wonder....... when I did contact it was 10 times more painful but I was not wondering, and sooner or later I got over it because I got tired of feeling like crap, and got to see that "hey my ex was not as great as I thought" and with NC all I had left was the good and pleasant memories which kept me holding on.

 

Thanks for the response.

[GrayClouds]

and got to see that "hey my ex was not as great as I thought" and with NC all I had left was the good and pleasant memories which kept me holding on.

You learned that about her but what did you learn about yourself?

[WiseOne1]

You learned that about her but what did you learn about yourself?

 

That females don't want a nice guy, that they want a jerk. While I was going through tough times, all of my male friends and male relatives were just having fun!!!

 

They did not care or pay attention to any females needs or wants, and still they were loved!!! I was the guy to get a female v-day presents, and they didn't and guess what....???? There gf's or wives loved them even more.

 

I was the one that did not cheat, and guess what...??? They got loved even more.

 

HAHAHLOL I bet you did not expect this response.

[northstar1]

That females don't want a nice guy, that they want a jerk. While I was going through tough times, all of my male friends and male relatives were just having fun!!!

 

They did not care or pay attention to any females needs or wants, and still they were loved!!! I was the guy to get a female v-day presents, and they didn't and guess what....???? There gf's or wives loved them even more.

 

I was the one that did not cheat, and guess what...??? They got loved even more.

 

HAHAHLOL I bet you did not expect this response.

 

Mature, balanced women want a nice guy. They don't want a doormat. There is a difference.

 

Girls who are attracted to jerks are rarely the ones who end up in anything resembling a healthy relationship, or are ones who only want one thing out of a relationship.

[GrayClouds]

That females don't want a nice guy, that they want a jerk. While I was going through tough times, all of my male friends and male relatives were just having fun!!!

 

They did not care or pay attention to any females needs or wants, and still they were loved!!! I was the guy to get a female v-day presents, and they didn't and guess what....???? There gf's or wives loved them even more.

 

I was the one that did not cheat, and guess what...??? They got loved even more.

 

HAHAHLOL I bet you did not expect this response.

 

Actrually I predicated it. Why? Your statements speak louder then your words. Your statements illustrates an external locus of control perceiving thing outside of themselves affect their ability to succeed.

 

You talked "her not being so great" , how it made your ego feel better, referring to your ex as "hot sexy girl" among other statement suggest you are trying hard to project alph-male provato that reeks of over compensation. But despite your complaints, you never answered the question, you talked about what you learn about woman, not what you learn about yourself.

 

You think you were a nice guy? Too nice? Then why did you act that way, why were you so willing to be too nice?

 

Going NC focusing on yourself to heal also allows the greatest opportunity to develop a healthier more successful internal locus on control. For it is more then just getting over your ex, it is using the experience to become a better you, a point you seem to overlook.

[gister]

As someone who has been looking atthese forums for awhile now. I'm pretty sure NC seems to work better than LC or FC(I guess it'd be called).

 

Based off of my experience it helped me put things in perspective and made me piece things together easier. Such as remembering my ex say if I didn't like you I'd stop talking to you: hmm that explains the break and why she seemed to want me to go to sleep early (even though I jokingly said I'm tired in an exageratted sarcastic tone).

[WiseOne1]

Mature, balanced women want a nice guy. They don't want a doormat. There is a difference.

 

Girls who are attracted to jerks are rarely the ones who end up in anything resembling a healthy relationship, or are ones who only want one thing out of a relationship.

 

Sure thanks for the response

[WiseOne1]

Actrually I predicated it. Why? Your statements speak louder then your words. Your statements illustrates an external locus of control perceiving thing outside of themselves affect their ability to succeed.

 

You talked "her not being so great" , how it made your ego feel better, referring to your ex as "hot sexy girl" among other statement suggest you are trying hard to project alph-male provato that reeks of over compensation. But despite your complaints, you never answered the question, you talked about what you learn about woman, not what you learn about yourself.

 

You think you were a nice guy? Too nice? Then why did you act that way, why were you so willing to be too nice?

 

Going NC focusing on yourself to heal also allows the greatest opportunity to develop a healthier more successful internal locus on control. For it is more then just getting over your ex, it is using the experience to become a better you, a point you seem to overlook.

 

I never said "MY EGO felt better", I simply said that I was killing myself and wondering over something that just was not that worth worrying about...

 

Also this (relationship) took place 5-6 years ago, I don't like to bash and analyze the past...You don't know me, so why do you care what I learned about myself???? Whats it to ya??? This specfic ex I was reffering to, I haven't talked to in years, and I was actually a young teen back 5-6 years ago, so I was immature myself.

 

If you expect me to put myself down, so you can feel right, or like your just this wise person, then you got another thing coming.....I learned from my mistakes in my past relationship, things I need to improve on, and things that I need to do better on from here own out.

 

Theres my answer!!! Thanks for coming, and please play again.

Edited April 9, 2010 by WiseOne1

[annxxdisaster]

That females don't want a nice guy, that they want a jerk. While I was going through tough times, all of my male friends and male relatives were just having fun!!!

 

They did not care or pay attention to any females needs or wants, and still they were loved!!! I was the guy to get a female v-day presents, and they didn't and guess what....???? There gf's or wives loved them even more.

 

I was the one that did not cheat, and guess what...??? They got loved even more.

 

HAHAHLOL I bet you did not expect this response.

 

 

Doesn't sound like you've learned much to me. Have you ever heard the phrase, "things are not always what they seem"? How do YOU know that all your male friends were having the time of their life?

 

Northstar1 was right, those types of girls probably DON'T know how to have healthy relationships with decent men because they are not mature enough themselves. I tried harder for the guys who were jerks to me, because I thought if they would finally be the guy to get my birthday presents or treat me well then I proved to myself that I was worth being loved that way, it had little to do with loving the jerk and it had all to do with using other people to validate myself.

[GrayClouds]

so I was immature myself.

 

Defense much? I sorry if I hit a nerve.

 

But no I do not expect or even want you to put yourself down. Quite the contrary, I was hoping you could communicate how you have built yourself up how you have grown thought your experiences , offer insight to others who could gain from your development. For if another wants to employ this method, asking you to be able illustrate a successful employment of the method should not be seen as an unreasonable request.

 

You advocate for this particular method, one you perceive as a helpful way to heal from the pain of a break-up. But yet despite your passion for this method you get defensive when you are question more fully to the ramification of the method. My I remind you that you use yourself as a working example of it benefits but get angry when more information is requested of that said example. You refuse to, or possible unable to, articulate a complete picture of how this method can not only heal but help to keep from returning to previous patterns.

 

I just asking you to show how this method of full contact gives one the tool to internalize need changes to keep from unproductive patterns. While you may not want to analyze the past, as they saying goes those who do not understand history is bound to repeat it. I think most of us here is looking to minimize repeating their pain. And not only get over the current pain but to grow from it.

Edited April 9, 2010 by GrayClouds

[WiseOne1]

Doesn't sound like you've learned much to me. Have you ever heard the phrase, "things are not always what they seem"? How do YOU know that all your male friends were having the time of their life?

 

Northstar1 was right, those types of girls probably DON'T know how to have healthy relationships with decent men because they are not mature enough themselves. I tried harder for the guys who were jerks to me, because I thought if they would finally be the guy to get my birthday presents or treat me well then I proved to myself that I was worth being loved that way, it had little to do with loving the jerk and it had all to do with using other people to validate myself.

 

I don't care man, all I care about right now is my bank balance and college, that's it...what I did learn is that im a young man, most likely to be a millionaire before I hit 30....

 

I also learned that since Im young theres plenty of times to in a serious relationship, and plenty more fish in the sea...

 

So sorry,but try again!