Dating the newly divorced..bad idea?

[LoveLace]

Just-divorced men. Years ago I dated a guy that had just split from his fiance/roommate, he was crushed and all he really wanted was to not be alone...

 

3 yrs. ago, dated someone that was just about 3 months or so divorced. While dating I found out it was not even finalized. And swore he wanted to marry me within weeks. Again, just didn't want to be alone. Ever since those two guys, just-divorced men make me nervous...

 

This past January, hung out with an old friend for a while that was (guess what) just divorced ..we really liked eachother but AGAIN find out...not a final divorce. Not only did I have to listen to every little divorce drama detail like a therapist, but he kept trying to get me in bed at the same time. Turned off...big time. This was right when I started telling myself, don't discriminate just because someone just got divorced...ha!

 

Met a guy online a few weeks ago..28 yrs old...talk on the phone and find out...you guessed it...JUST divorced..and "just trying to meet people"...so that was that.

 

Ran into and exchanged phone #'s with a guy I know but realized he was also...YEP...JUST divorced with kids, and only within months, so likely not even final. Deciding I might be too nervous to mess with it, I decided to pursue another new guy I'd met online recently. So I called him and he's great but...guess what? Only 5 months divorced. Not final. With kids. (But no drama to speak of, at least at this point).

 

The ages above range from 24-40. And definitely from all different places in life between random meets, mutual friends, or dating sites. Some marriages were only a couple years, others up to 10 years. It seems like no matter what route I embark upon with new men for a potential relationship that I seek, this is guy after guy after guy that is JUST divorced. Being divorced a year to 2 or more, fine. But being the 1st gal you try to date after...scares me. I'm 33 and never married and want kids, so I don't have time to be a stepping stone over and over. It's hard enough that most single men my age are divorced with kids (or "baggage" if you'd call it that) (and also many don't want anymore kids)...now all the ones I'm meeting just got back from Divorce Town like, yesterday!!

 

I know it's got to be soo hard to divorce and be on your own again. Be thrown back into singledom again. But right away, are you really going to stay and fall in love with the 1st or 2nd person you date? Not likely. We are always encouraged NOT to do that after a divorce. Most people don't even DESIRE that right after divorce (but some might THINK they do). The reasons for all these splits are just as variable as their ages. Weather it was his fault or her fault or just plain unhappiness, being so new into his game makes my stomach turn (due to past experience) and a voice in my head says...I have doubts about this.

 

It's always fun to meet and hang out with new people no matter what; but 98% of the time, they are ruled out as a potential LTR for me..if it's not because of being just divorced, it's something else..trust me, I seek and attempt things with those who are like me, never married, or divorced without kids for a few years, etc; but those are never the ones I find the right connection with, and at this age, also VERY rare to come by.

 

I could approach these guys as if the "just divorced" thing doesn't exist, and we are just two people who like each other, but my experiences have been bad enough that i can't just ignore it, and it's definitely hard to ignore a divorce that, for gosh darn sakes, isn't even signed off on yet. But I'm also afraid that judging a situation too soon could make me pass up something that could have been just great and fine.

 

Has anyone here had an experience with dating "JUST divorced" people? Is it just a little risky and you go for it if you really like them? Or does it really just set the stage for failure like it always has with me?

 

With the 2nd guy I spoke of, I warned him of how much I was hurt by an Ex that had just split with someone. And he swore on his life that this was not the same. But not only was it the same, it was worse. So I don't even know if supposed assurance can ever be enough for me.

[alphamale]

yea you want to steer clear of the "just divorced"....they are messed up in the head

 

after i divorced my ex wife i was angry at all women and went on a sexual rampage for like 2 years just using women for sex

[2sunny]

you described "just divorced" but state "not final" in the same sentence.

 

divorcED is past tense! there is a difference between separated and divorced.

 

what you mostly describe is separated - be very clear with men upon your first conversation - are you divorced? past tense - or still going through the process of getting divorced?

[LoveLace]

Thanks Alpha, good and honest answer...not encouraging, lol, but honest.

[LoveLace]

you described "just divorced" but state "not final" in the same sentence.

 

divorcED is past tense! there is a difference between separated and divorced.

 

what you mostly describe is separated - be very clear with men upon your first conversation - are you divorced? past tense - or still going through the process of getting divorced?

 

 

Right, only "separated", even worse, this is every guy I'm meeting now. I've never been so frustrated.

[2sunny]

where are you meeting all these jokers?

[Star Gazer]

In one word: YES. It's a bad idea. Particularly for you, someone who's relationship-minded.

 

Find someone who's emotionally available, LL.

[LoveLace]

In one word: YES. It's a bad idea. Particularly for you, someone who's relationship-minded.

 

Find someone who's emotionally available, LL.

 

Well yea duh, but it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I'll pursue someone who might be the ideal "package" you better believe I will and do if I meet one, but again it's rare to meet one in my age range to begin with, and when I do, something else is wrong...no job, drinks too much, doesn't want a girlfriend, or is simply not into me, the list goes on and on..again a needle in a haystack. It's not as though I KNEW these guys were "separated" when I first meet them...

 

2Sunny, some of these I've met through mutual friends, some online, some just randomly while I'm out, whatever the case, ALL just cut off from the ball and chain. I'm just so frustrated that the only time it's a mutual liking, it turns out to be the wrong direction.

[2sunny]

why not take a college class that interests you? you may meet several men that have something in common that interests both of you.

[LoveLace]

why not take a college class that interests you? you may meet several men that have something in common that interests both of you.

 

I'm already working my way into photography, but I can't commit to college courses because my work schedule varies too much and I'm not able to change that. I have a female friend with her own photography business that is getting me up and running with that. (:

[2sunny]

i meant in order to meet men with common interests...

[threebyfate]

Consider someone newly divorced just like someone out of any long-term relationship but worse, since people who get divorced, usually do so for traumatic reasons. The risk is being the rebound.

[alphamale]

Consider someone newly divorced just like someone out of any long-term relationship but worse, since people who get divorced, usually do so for traumatic reasons. The risk is being the rebound.

what about someone who has lost a spouse through death? would that be the same or different? whats your take?

[carhill]

OP, everyone's different. If your experiences have been negative, definitely stay away from newly or recently divorced people, or, at minimum, expect such interactions to be casual in nature and not deeply intimate.

 

That said, not all men are afraid of being alone and not all men are angry at women because of a marriage failing and not all men go on sexual rampages and use women as a methodology of revenge. Those 'not all' men go about the quiet business of rebuilding their lives and don't mind you ignoring them. Best wishes

[LoveLace]

what about someone who has lost a spouse through death? would that be the same or different? whats your take?

 

Ouch. Glad to say I've never been in that situation. As far as risking a rebound situation, probably the same concept as divorce; but if they have been widowed and dated others for quite a while, it wouldn't feel as risky at that point...same goes for divorced. Either way, the emotional ties have to be at peace obviously before truly being able to commit to someone else.

[threebyfate]

what about someone who has lost a spouse through death? would that be the same or different? whats your take?

Lovelace`s premise is about `recently divorced`, rather than recently widowed. But in a situation of being recently widowed, have they had enough time to go through the five stages of grief? In both situations, loss takes time to heal.

[LoveLace]

OP, everyone's different. If your experiences have been negative, definitely stay away from newly or recently divorced people, or, at minimum, expect such interactions to be casual in nature and not deeply intimate.

 

That said, not all men are afraid of being alone and not all men are angry at women because of a marriage failing and not all men go on sexual rampages and use women as a methodology of revenge. Those 'not all' men go about the quiet business of rebuilding their lives and don't mind you ignoring them. Best wishes

 

Good to hear. It's not that I want to ignore these guys though, I'd love to give it a chance, but something inside says not to. So in this case, it doesnt matter if the situation is divorce or something else; just should go with my instincts, whatever the case may be.

[carhill]

Yes, I encourage you to own your perspective and validate it. I'm not offended in the least, even if I don't reflect those experiences. It's a big world out there and lots of potentials. Better pursuing those whom you match up with. I'll never know when I'm ignored anyway, TBH. Too busy rebuilding

[LoveLace]

Yes, I encourage you to own your perspective and validate it. I'm not offended in the least, even if I don't reflect those experiences. It's a big world out there and lots of potentials. Better pursuing those whom you match up with. I'll never know when I'm ignored anyway, TBH. Too busy rebuilding

 

That's good Again I'm not choosing to pursue these guys who so happen to all have this thing in common, this thing that also happens to be one of my past enemies, but they are the ones actively pursuing me. In some cases it is for rebound reasons , but I do believe others of them have in fact been trying to rebuild also and did not expect to meet me any more than I expected to meet them, so they are simply going with whatever interesting thing has fallen into their lap; it's not as though they expect me to brush off their situation as though it doesn't matter. Example, the most recent one I met (randomly while out) informed me of his divorce and said "if you want to hang up right now I understand", "I dont' know when it's best to tell a person this so I'm just being honest and up front"...this one is different in the sense that he does not at all appear to be yearning to fill a void, but simply just glad to have met someone he likes and obviously, liked him too...but if someone said "he just got divorced" before I introduced myself, well, probably would not have introduced myself, to be honest. But he had no desire to inform me of any dramatic details...in fact the whole thing seems to pretty civil on his end.

 

But even if he appears strong and not in a bad place, it would take a lot of assurance to be convinced it's not a bad time in his life to date me...

Edited April 8, 2010 by LoveLace

[Star Gazer]

I'm already working my way into photography, but I can't commit to college courses because my work schedule varies too much and I'm not able to change that. I have a female friend with her own photography business that is getting me up and running with that. (:

 

What about something like... ugh, I can't think of it. It's like an adult class program, you just pay per class, it's like 2-3 days... You could take one of those photography classes, maybe meet a cute guuuuyyyy.....

[LoveLace]

What about something like... ugh, I can't think of it. It's like an adult class program, you just pay per class, it's like 2-3 days... You could take one of those photography classes, maybe meet a cute guuuuyyyy.....

 

Maybe down the road, for now the starter camera I'm getting comes with a FREE photography course, through the camera business I'm getting it from, I'm under the impression that it's a 1 time kind of thing. But I don't know yet what else it entails so who knows...

[Star Gazer]

The Learning Annex! That's it... I think there's one in every major city?

[LoveLace]

The Learning Annex! That's it... I think there's one in every major city?

 

Hmm, can't say I've heard of it ever, my city might not be "major" enough, wouldn't doubt if it's not, haha.

[carhill]

I'm not choosing to pursue these guys who so happen to all have this thing in common, this thing that also happens to be one of my past enemies, but they are the ones actively pursuing me.

 

Yes, that sounds customary; by 'pursuit', I mean the pursuit of a relationship, traditionally by accepting the romantic advances of a compatible man. You've identified separated and newly divorced men as incompatible, so have refrained from pursuing relationships with such men, even though they might approach you romantically.

 

Example, the most recent one I met (randomly while out) informed me of his divorce and said "if you want to hang up right now I understand", "I dont' know when it's best to tell a person this so I'm just being honest and up front"

 

To me, and YMMV, my marriage and divorce are a private matter (save for the public record at the courthouse) so I don't routinely discuss or volunteer such information to strangers. I did make note of the reality in my dating profile by listing myself as separated and mentioning 'my soon to be ex-wife' as part of the profile verbiage, this after advice from LS ladies on the matter. I guess that's disclosure. To me, it's not that big of a deal. There's no rancor, no physical proximity, no mixed social circles, nothing really of any significance other than waiting for a the cooling-off period to expire so we can get that little court seal. Obviously, other men and other marriages in your experience have operated and ended far differently. When I've been asked (by women), I mention being married for around ten years and having gone through MC. That's it. I can tell you, based on a thread I posted on the topic, I think there was only one respondent who would consider dating a separated (no final decree/judgment) man. Everyone else? No way. I accept that

 

Conventional wisdom and some hopefully well meaning friends have shown me that, on the other side of the coin, men seem to have no inhibitions regarding dating a separated woman, if stbx's experiences are any indicator. They go right to town. Fresh meat

 

Anyway, hope things work out. If you find only separated/newly divorced men approach, then it's probably signals you're sending out. I have the problem of only married women hitting on me. I'm working on fixing that now

[LoveLace]

Thanks for your words Car. Yes what I did like about the most recent man I met was his lack of need to use me as a sounding board; it was this "it is what it is" attitude...the rest was all about just asking about ME and trying to get to know ME...with the other ones, their need for therapy seriously outweighed finding chemistry with ME...but at the time I didn't place it, therefore not realizing I was just filling a void for the guy..