Dating the newly divorced..bad idea?

[Tommy's Girl]

Here's what I think... if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I am my husband's 3rd wife. I met him when he was 29! I was 22. He was legally separated when we met. He divorced after we dated a couple of months. We fell in love and were married less than a year later. Of course, I'd never recommend my own daughters dating a newly divorced man and getting married that quickly. Believe me, my parents were not happy. I just knew in my heart he was the one for me. Now we've been married over 10 years. He's the love of my life. Hopefully, I'll be the last wife.

[LoveLace]

Thank you tommysgirl! I was hoping for at least 1 success story like that one..something that might lessen my fear of these situations at least a little...because it seems silly to say ok, any newly divorced guy is wrong for me, just sounds so judgemental. And not only does it knock out a whole category of potential partners for me, but also seems to increase the liklihood of never meeting the one..

 

Of course its still not the best idea, but I'm still happy to know maybe it wouldn't be a breaker deal for me 100% of the time after all...perhaps just be very aware of the situations and whether or not they might be worth a shot. I'm sure that outcomes like yours are a rarity, but nice to know it can exist (:

[Star Gazer]

Thank you tommysgirl! I was hoping for at least 1 success story like that one..something that might lessen my fear of these situations at least a little...because it seems silly to say ok, any newly divorced guy is wrong for me, just sounds so judgemental. And not only does it knock out a whole category of potential partners for me, but also seems to increase the liklihood of never meeting the one..

 

*Sigh* LL... You SHOULD knock out a whole category of guys when they are emotionally unavailable, because if you continue to pine after EU men, you are increasing the likelihood of never meeting one who IS emotionally available! Don't you see that?

 

LL, something I've noticed with you (case in point your excitement in seeing TG's post) is that you seem to look for opportunities where you might be the exception to the rule, and you cling to any chance of hope that you might be that exception.

 

So... Why do you do that? Why don't you look for opportunities where YOU are the RULE instead?

Edited April 8, 2010 by Star Gazer

[cooldudeinberlin]

I agree with Alphamale on this.... after my separation (it was me who ended things), I didnt hate women, I really enjoyed them, but wanted a huge sampling from all walks and was ushering them in an out of my door - basically wanting their company, validation through sexual attraction,etc.... a few women in there also knew that I had not quite delt with the issue of being over that relationship and proceeded with caution or frankly said, that it would only be a fling and that they couldnt see anything more (probably out of a defense mechanism)... even though I didnt see it, nor did I really want a new relationship, I found out they were right and were very smart women to forsee that, as where many other women were ready to be the new exclusive girlfriend.

 

At one point, I took myself out of the social game entirely, due to the decision to focus on myself and take the time to embrace the pain, changes, anger, happiness, new goals, new direction, etc. Best move I ever made, which helped heal things dramatically and got to know myself better.

 

Point blank... the best anything could ever be right after a divorce, seperation, break up is a rebound... which are never healthy and do not last. Its a way of getting the ego stroked and a delusional way of avoiding many issues that WILL surface eventually.

 

doesnt mean that there arent women out there who will have a fling or one night stand with such a guy, but nothing remotely fruitful will come from someone in this phase.

 

BTW ... WTF is "if its meant to be, its meant to be".... pffft... people make decisions based on their past experiences, current phases and future plans... there is no mystical force/destiny that we can easily give up all of our mature responsibility... WE shape our lives... WE make things happen or not... WE make it meaning to be.

Edited April 8, 2010 by cooldudeinberlin

[LoveLace]

Star, I am NOT hoping for wonderful things with ANY of these guys from lately, it's all pretty much ruled out in my book and I'm not trying to be any flippin exception to anyone's "rule". But what I LEARNED here is that just because MOST of the guys are likely "emotionally unavailable"...it does not necessarily mean that EVERY divorced guy is THAT and I shouldn't make instant judgements when I meet these guys without knowing a little more about the background first...this is referring to any newly divorced man that I might possibly meet in the future, nothing at all to do with the ones I met lately, they served as examples only and none am I actively pursuing, they just happened...it was boggling me that it was one divorced guy after another liking me an I was simply exploring that here; "Emotionally Unavailable" and "Just Divorced".....are TWO categories. Sometimes Category B will also fit under A, but not 100% of the time, you just never know what can happen to you out there when your actively meeting new people like, all the time. I faced this major phobia I have about Newly Divorced and learned how to see it in a different perspective, but by no means does this imply that I am just yearning and hoping for someone in particular to be my "exception".

 

And it's funny that this has all happened, because now I've suddenly began a friendship of sorts with a FRESH new one that is MY age, NEVER married, very cute and funny, and interesting. He thinks the same about me so far and we plan to have a dinner date at some point in the near future..so how's that for a pattern that's finally breaking! I'm nervous...

[Tommy's Girl]

Thank you tommysgirl! I was hoping for at least 1 success story like that one..something that might lessen my fear of these situations at least a little...because it seems silly to say ok, any newly divorced guy is wrong for me, just sounds so judgemental. And not only does it knock out a whole category of potential partners for me, but also seems to increase the liklihood of never meeting the one..

 

Of course its still not the best idea, but I'm still happy to know maybe it wouldn't be a breaker deal for me 100% of the time after all...perhaps just be very aware of the situations and whether or not they might be worth a shot. I'm sure that outcomes like yours are a rarity, but nice to know it can exist (:

 

I know that my case is the exception to the rule. I will say that my post made is sound like there were no problems. A man who is newly divorced will probably have emotional issues. The good thing about my case is he shared no children with these women and basically cut them from his life completely. The year we dated, we actually broke up for a little while because he got scared things were moving to fast. It was the best thing that could have happened. We knew then that we just couldn't live without each other! We were both miserable. As soon as we got back together, we made plans and got married a few months later. He was smart because he made our relationship and our marriage new and based on a clean slate. He's never once compared me to another wife. Since we've married so long, we forget sometimes that he was even married before! I think I was young and naive when I met him, but thank God I did. If I had analyzed the situation too much back then, I might have missed out the man of my dreams. We all come with a past and baggage. I think when the right one comes along, the baggage is part of the package...and pretty soon if things go well, it becomes less and less of an issue.

[123BeachFan]

I agree with Alphamale on this.... after my separation (it was me who ended things), I didnt hate women, I really enjoyed them, but wanted a huge sampling from all walks and was ushering them in an out of my door - basically wanting their company, validation through sexual attraction,etc.... a few women in there also knew that I had not quite delt with the issue of being over that relationship and proceeded with caution or frankly said, that it would only be a fling and that they couldnt see anything more (probably out of a defense mechanism)... even though I didnt see it, nor did I really want a new relationship, I found out they were right and were very smart women to forsee that, as where many other women were ready to be the new exclusive girlfriend.

 

At one point, I took myself out of the social game entirely, due to the decision to focus on myself and take the time to embrace the pain, changes, anger, happiness, new goals, new direction, etc. Best move I ever made, which helped heal things dramatically and got to know myself better.

 

Point blank... the best anything could ever be right after a divorce, seperation, break up is a rebound... which are never healthy and do not last. Its a way of getting the ego stroked and a delusional way of avoiding many issues that WILL surface eventually.

 

Great post CoolDude. Yes, it takes some hard work to move beyond the ending of a serious relationship (due to divorce, death, breakup) and until that occurs it is rebound behavior.

 

There's no timetable on this. I've dated guys who were fresh out of a divorce who seemed to be emotionally stable and solid. I can also think of two guys I dated where their divorces were over 5 years ago and they were still harboring resentment towards their ex's, would bellyache about her every chance they got, and in general had that bitterness baggage that's going to affect any relationship they get in.

[cooldudeinberlin]

thanks Beach....

 

hmmm... quite honestly to harbor resentment, anger and bitterness about ANYTHING for any amount of time is one's refusal to take some responsibility in the matter and/or deal and cope with it head on. We've all been in this before... but seriously... life is too short and NO ONE wants to be around someone who is negative or takes their anger and bitterness out on others... not in family, friends, colleagues or lovers

[LoveLace]

I know that my case is the exception to the rule. I will say that my post made is sound like there were no problems. A man who is newly divorced will probably have emotional issues. The good thing about my case is he shared no children with these women and basically cut them from his life completely. The year we dated' date=' we actually broke up for a little while because he got scared things were moving to fast. It was the best thing that could have happened. We knew then that we just couldn't live without each other! We were both miserable. As soon as we got back together, we made plans and got married a few months later. He was smart because he made our relationship and our marriage new and based on a clean slate. He's never once compared me to another wife. Since we've married so long, we forget sometimes that he was even married before! I think I was young and naive when I met him, but thank God I did. If I had analyzed the situation too much back then, I might have missed out the man of my dreams. We all come with a past and baggage. I think when the right one comes along, the baggage is part of the package...and pretty soon if things go well, it becomes less and less of an issue.[/quote']

 

Yes I do believe in the right circumstance, such as say, the marriage didn't produce children, the divorce process was civil and fairly simple, etc...where as a messy battle with drama, the man/women are more likely to emotional issues that will sure throw them into a rebound..not that a "healthier" divorce won't set the stage for rebounding because it can...just saying under certain circumstances a relationship with a new person might have potential to grow past being a rebound, it's just probably pretty rare as your story probably is.

 

You also made a logical decision by seeing where the relationship was going and taking time to slow down and put it in perspective, at which time you learned that you do want to be together. Despite emotional things that came with divorce, everything fell into the right place for you both; most of these situations are not successful in that way, as we all agree on.

 

I have also known of people who's emotional results from divorce were pretty minimal, only because of the "it was over before it was over" deal...the worst parts of the split were overcome during separation or just before that, whatever, so the initial stage after wasn't as emotional as it might be for others. And it frees them to be more open and ready for a new LTR, but usually they just want to remain single for a while, start life new and celebrate new found freedom.Many times the divorce was pure relief for these types, instead of an emotional burden. So even if I were to meet a newly divorced guy of this condition, he's still probably not one I'd be smart to get involved with.

[Spiritofnow]

I don't want to seem insensitive, or rude, or to offend you, but the first few paragraphs of your post made me laugh so hard. Not at you, just at the irony of it "yep, youv'e guessed it, divorced" funny.

 

I am dating someone who I met before he was divorced, and it is tough to go through, but we learned some lessons as we went along and I drew boundaries about what I would and wouldn't do. We have been together for 2 years and I can honestly say that he is the best thing that has happened to me for a long time.

 

You made my night tonight. Thanks for making me smile. I wish you luck and happiness.

[make me believe]

My take on the "just divorced" guys (and by just divorced I mean ones who are actually divorced, since "not final" means "NOT DIVORCED"!)

 

I would never, ever consider dating one. If I met a guy and found out he had just gotten divorced in the past few months (or, worse, was only separated), I would RUN. In general, these are NOT guys who are going to be emotionally available/stable. I don't want to hear all about their divorce drama, how evil their ex-wife is, etc. If I ever got together with a guy who had an ex-wife, that ex-wife better be WAY in the past.

 

Last year I had a FWB who was newly divorced. He was only 23 and had been married for 3 years, the divorce was final about a month before I met him. Even just being FWB with him became unbearable after awhile because I was constantly hearing about his crazy ex, the latest thing she had done, how he was NEVER getting married again, etc. He just seemed so hurt (understandable) and bitter. Blah. Not even worth keeping around as a FWB. I can't imagine actually trying to have a relationship with somebody who had that baggage.

[LoveLace]

I don't want to seem insensitive, or rude, or to offend you, but the first few paragraphs of your post made me laugh so hard. Not at you, just at the irony of it "yep, youv'e guessed it, divorced" funny.

 

I am dating someone who I met before he was divorced, and it is tough to go through, but we learned some lessons as we went along and I drew boundaries about what I would and wouldn't do. We have been together for 2 years and I can honestly say that he is the best thing that has happened to me for a long time.

 

You made my night tonight. Thanks for making me smile. I wish you luck and happiness.

 

That is ok, lol, it was supposed to be somewhat humerous because I did in fact find it just as funny as I found it frustrating that I meet or befriend 4 guys in a row in almost the exact same situations. It was like living in that movie "Groundhog Day". - With the last guy I met and then spoke on the phone with, it almost made me laugh when he was like yea, I'm going through a divorce, sorry to shock you kind of attitude...I wanted to say "Oh no, this isn't my first rodeo." I wasn't shocked at all, I wanted to die laughing...since within the last week I've met 2 others with same story...

 

You are surely another rare example of success here...

 

To make me believe, I had that same experience with a friend about 4 months ago...we liked each other as more than friends, but the drama with his soon to be Ex was too much to bare. He kept me on the phone so long talking about it one night that whatever attraction I'd had for him, vanished into thin air. Before that I was okay with being an ear, but there's a difference between that and a free therapist. lol. However a couple of the other guys were drama-free and pretty much just seemed to be moving on as best as they knew how. But the just-divorced thing still hovered over me too much to desire anything further. A situation like Spirit's IS possible, slightly possible, but not likely possible for myself and that's really okay, haha.

[EasyHeart]

I'm a single guy, but I know a lot of divorced men and if I were a single woman, I would steer clear of them. And if there are lingering financial or custody issues? Run like the wind!

 

As others noted, most men who recently were divorced are not looking for any kind of serious relationship. Usually, they're looking to sleep with as many women as they can. And by the time they hit their mid-thirties, most single men have developed some code of ethics and at least try to treat women fairly well. My observation of men who are just out of a divorce is that they revert to their 20s, lie through their teeth, and treat women like feelingless objects. Unless you want to be one of the women they brag about to their divorced buddies, stay clear. Frankly, most divorced men give single guys a bad name.

 

Rebounds are a great idea -- for the rebounder. The problem is that the rebounder is using a human being as an object to help him/her feel good about him/herself. Rebounds suck for the reboundee.

 

If I get out of a LT relationship of a few years, it takes me 6-12 months until I can date again. If someone gets out of a 10-15 year marriage, why would they be relationship-ready the next day?

[LoveLace]

Easyheart I agree that probably 99% of just divorced guys are exactly as you describe. The 1st two I posted about, from a few years ago, were somewhat opposite...they both wanted a relationship with me, actually just one in general, because their break ups made them feel like failures and the 1st gal to come along (moi) was how they would try to compensate for that failure. They did not want to be single and alone. So of course neither sitch was fulfilling for me because it was obvious they were not over their exes. It wsnt really ME they wanted, but my presence....not a rebound in their eyes, but in reality yes. They were not guys who wanted to bang all the gals they could...in fact they both got married shortly after I broke up with them...

 

What about women just divorced?would we say that they behave and think like just divorced men, or not?

[2sunny]

what about the principle of the matter here... a man willing to lie by saying he's divorced when technically he's not.

 

to lead with a lie is not the character in a man that i'm interested in.

[carhill]

What about women just divorced?would we say that they behave and think like just divorced men, or not?

 

I would say, just like with men, it's individualistic and, hence, varies. I tend to look at the specific dynamic, how behaviors and words match up and how a woman treats me and interacts with me. If it isn't a positive experience, I move on. TBH, it doesn't matter if she's separated or divorced a decade. Each person is an individual. I say that having had some negative experiences with separated and divorcing women. Those experiences don't indict the entirety of the gender in that circumstance, IMO. We each have our own path.

[Engadget]

Yeah I'm newly single (not divorced though) and I kind of want to not be alone. So instead of being clingy and turning a new date into someone to replace the ex, I'm just staying away. I don't want to be that person. I kind of sabotaged a friendship with a girl for this reason, was probably a little too sarcastic (out of anger at the ex, and she had the same name as her) and probably talked to her a little too much.

[2sunny]

Yeah I'm newly single (not divorced though) and I kind of want to not be alone. So instead of being clingy and turning a new date into someone to replace the ex, I'm just staying away. I don't want to be that person. I kind of sabotaged a friendship with a girl for this reason, was probably a little too sarcastic (out of anger at the ex, and she had the same name as her) and probably talked to her a little too much.

 

ahhhhh, the old "assigned meaning" trick.

 

but the approach here seems healthy NOW - considering that you recognize a need to be healthy and happy alone before attempting to combine the spirit of you with someone else.

[carhill]

Also, IMO, there is a substantial difference between non-marital 'breakups' and the long, arduous and often frustrating process of ending a legal partnership, especially if it's a long one and children are involved. Depending on the dynamic of that process, and, again, the individuals, rancor and emotion can long outlive cohabitation, rendering a person a poor prospect for a LTR or, conversely, the actual legal paperwork winds its way through the system while the relevant parties have already moved on, merely adding the court seal to the file at the appropriate time and place, absent significant emotion. In my own case, it's been about two years since we first talked about divorce, over a year since we stopped cohabiting and are merely awaiting the court seal to signify the end of the partnership. I actually don't even know what stbx looks like anymore; it's been that long. If I was 'stalking' her, ranting about her taking 'our' house, trying to 'get her back', wow, I think I'd likely be insane and definitely a rotten choice for any woman. A woman can look at my 'status' and assume all those things without even knowing me. It's her choice. I'll never know the result, so it's hard to get worked up about it. Just another stranger whom I'll never know.

[Engadget]

ahhhhh, the old "assigned meaning" trick.

 

but the approach here seems healthy NOW - considering that you recognize a need to be healthy and happy alone before attempting to combine the spirit of you with someone else.

 

Yeah I recognized it from the start, but the negative thoughts and words still slipped in regardless.

[2sunny]

Also, IMO, there is a substantial difference between non-marital 'breakups' and the long, arduous and often frustrating process of ending a legal partnership, especially if it's a long one and children are involved. Depending on the dynamic of that process, and, again, the individuals, rancor and emotion can long outlive cohabitation, rendering a person a poor prospect for a LTR or, conversely, the actual legal paperwork winds its way through the system while the relevant parties have already moved on, merely adding the court seal to the file at the appropriate time and place, absent significant emotion. In my own case, it's been about two years since we first talked about divorce, over a year since we stopped cohabiting and are merely awaiting the court seal to signify the end of the partnership. I actually don't even know what stbx looks like anymore; it's been that long. If I was 'stalking' her, ranting about her taking 'our' house, trying to 'get her back', wow, I think I'd likely be insane and definitely a rotten choice for any woman. A woman can look at my 'status' and assume all those things without even knowing me. It's her choice. I'll never know the result, so it's hard to get worked up about it. Just another stranger whom I'll never know.

 

i actually question how much i actually knew/know my xH... even after 23 years years with him.

 

i honestly don't think he understands himself enough and therefore isn't capable of anyone else understanding him either.

 

even though he has an agenda - which always looks selfish and self serving - he really doesn't understand what is inside. it's all about what HE can get out of life... not anything about how to be happy from the inside.

 

therefore - nothing exterior is possible... it just looks all empty and unfulfilling.

 

he is a virtual stranger to me - and i believe, to himself as well. nothing and no one could ever make a happy day possible for him...

[carhill]

OK, does that make you a good dating prospect?

[2sunny]

OK, does that make you a good dating prospect?

 

is this directed at me Car?

[carhill]

Yeah, it reminded me of the first lady I dated a few months ago. She had been divorced eight years and probably outranked me ten to one on meaningful 'disclosures' about her ex, so I had to laugh. By the time we were done I felt like I had slept with him

[2sunny]

Yeah, it reminded me of the first lady I dated a few months ago. She had been divorced eight years and probably outranked me ten to one on meaningful 'disclosures' about her ex, so I had to laugh. By the time we were done I felt like I had slept with him

 

ahahaha, that's funny because i hadn't thought of him and how empty he is in a long time until i posted that here.

 

thank God it's not a very frequent thought... and something i rarely speak of out loud.