Dating the newly divorced..bad idea?

[LoveLace]

Your right Car some divorces take a LONG time to legally be final and complete. When the partners no longer live together and have long moved on as individuals, and it's just a matter of the court...I could see MAYBE going a full year without wanting to date what so ever, but I would definitely be thinking of it by then and certainly would start once ready, no matter what the court is doing. Like you said, it would be up to those who met me to decide weather or not I'm a trustworthy prospect for a relationship or not; weather I'm really ready or not, only I would know myself. But if its been over a year and clearly over, I wouldn't hold back on desire to date again just because the court hasn't said it's official yet..as we've said, if financial or custody issues are not lingering and both parties have moved on civally, I don't see why I couldn't be a potential GF for someone at that point. But I also wouldn't blame a guy for being reluctant once they learned where the legal part stands.

[2sunny]

LL - the process of GOING THROUGH the divorce is very confusing and emotionally draining. to recognize what part you played in it and how you chose to participate is key.

 

finding a different method in order to find what happy looks like involves change.

 

i wouldn't want to be around while a man goes through the emotional roller coaster of what that process looks like.

 

it's painful - worth it but painful.

 

let these men go through that on their own - you can decide later AFTER the divorce is FINAL whether or not they are a good prospect for a happy future.

 

until then - they are emotionally unavailable, whether they recognize it or not.

[EasyHeart]

Easyheart I agree that probably 99% of just divorced guys are exactly as you describe. The 1st two I posted about, from a few years ago, were somewhat opposite...they both wanted a relationship with me, actually just one in general, because their break ups made them feel like failures and the 1st gal to come along (moi) was how they would try to compensate for that failure. They did not want to be single and alone. So of course neither sitch was fulfilling for me because it was obvious they were not over their exes. It wsnt really ME they wanted, but my presence....not a rebound in their eyes, but in reality yes. They were not guys who wanted to bang all the gals they could...in fact they both got married shortly after I broke up with them...

 

What about women just divorced?would we say that they behave and think like just divorced men, or not?

Maybe a better way to say it is that most recently divorced men want to screw as many women as they can, and the rest want to quickly replace their wives.

 

As to divorced women, I think it's probably the same, except most of them are quickly looking for a new husband, and the smaller number are looking to date as many men as they can. In general, too, I think women are more likely to be in touch with their feeling and be able to process them, and they're more likely to take time to heal before dating. I think most men are likely to just repress their feelings and "move on", which to them means getting laid.

 

Obviously, we're dealing with generalities in discussing this topic. There may be some great guys who got divorced yesterday. And it depends on your age and how long you were married. But mostly it matters how well you know and process your emotions. And the people who post on boards like this are people who tend to be introspective and in touch with their emotions.

 

Also we should distinguish between "Read to date" and "Ready for a relationship." I think LOTS of recently divorced men are "ready to date"; very, very few are ready for a relationship.

[LoveLace]

LL - the process of GOING THROUGH the divorce is very confusing and emotionally draining. to recognize what part you played in it and how you chose to participate is key.

 

finding a different method in order to find what happy looks like involves change.

 

i wouldn't want to be around while a man goes through the emotional roller coaster of what that process looks like.

 

it's painful - worth it but painful.

 

let these men go through that on their own - you can decide later AFTER the divorce is FINAL whether or not they are a good prospect for a happy future.

 

until then - they are emotionally unavailable, whether they recognize it or not.

 

look, I don't want anything to do with these guys, as I've already said, I was responding to Cars post about the divorce process and how it can vary from one sitch to the next, and how that can effect at which point an individual might feel ready to date, and the process isn't necessarily the same for everyone. I was trying to think of MYSELF going through it, even though if I was truly there it could be all different, who knows. In no way am I implying that I know where someone else is with their emotions and when. That's what you find out if you should meet someone going through it to begin with, that is if we stick around to listen, which I no longer desire to do since a guy that liked me, bombarded me with drama talk a few months ago. With all the guys after, I havent desired to speak to once I learned of their situations. And finally now I have a date with very never-married and very cute dude. If it doesn't go well I'm just happy to have met one without the usual, that's all I know...

 

And I agree with you Easy, all depends on the situation, the past, the issues, etc. But id rather just avoid it all anyway if I can...even if someones been divorced 5 years there can still be issues that linger enough to make someone an unstable partner...so again, all depends on the situation, but if I can avoid every divorced guy ever, I will....sorry no offense to any of you! (:

[D-Lish]

 

As to divorced women, I think it's probably the same, except most of them are quickly looking for a new husband, and the smaller number are looking to date as many men as they can.

 

 

Are you kidding me??? Seriously... After going through a divorce, I have absolutely no desire to get married again. The majority of women that I know that are divorced feel the same way.

[EasyHeart]

And I agree with you Easy, all depends on the situation, the past, the issues, etc. But id rather just avoid it all anyway if I can...even if someones been divorced 5 years there can still be issues that linger enough to make someone an unstable partner...so again, all depends on the situation, but if I can avoid every divorced guy ever, I will....sorry no offense to any of you! (:

I hear you. I gave up on dating divorced women a long time ago.

 

 

Are you kidding me??? Seriously... After going through a divorce, I have absolutely no desire to get married again. The majority of women that I know that are divorced feel the same way.

I'll defer to you then. I know a lot of divorced men, not so many divorced women. The divorced women I know remarried very quickly, but they could be the exception.

[HappyAgain]

I think it all depends on the individual. I remember my XH after I left him was only too "proud" to find another woman less than 2 months after we broke up. He was advertising this to any person who wanted to listen; how he's such a "MAN" for finding someone new so soon. I doubt any of his friends were "impressed" with the fact that he was over a 19 year marriage in less than two months. Most people were probably turned off by the fact that one minute he was begging for sympathy (poor poor him) and the next he was showing off how he found his "soul-mate." But he actually believed this was something to be proud of. He couldn't grasp the idea that to everyone else he came off as extremely desperate and unable to cope alone.

 

Mind you, his "soul-mate" was a woman who just got divorced herself and was finding herself jobless and homeless with a child, and with nowhere to live. I would have run to the hills if I were him instead of believing all the lies she fed him of how he was the "perfect" guy.

 

I, instead, took my time to learn to be happy on my own and deal with my baggage from the divorce before getting involved with someone new. I knew I would not have made a good partner for anyone and that I would have been using them to deal with my pain. But to each there own.

[LoveLace]

I've heard both genders say never again to marriage, but also have seen both want and find a replacement quickly..I don't think either gender is more likely to do one or the other...ways of coping do tend to separate them though...

[Woggle]

Divorced men tend to be split into two groups. There are those who are quickly looking for a new wife and those who go wild after being whipped for so many years. I know a guy who is planning divorce and has his ducks lined up in a row to pull the trigger this summer and he plans to live a life of debauchery as he calls it. I do think that betrayal by a woman greatly impairs a man's ability to trust a woman again though and it might not be a good idea to get involved a freshly divorced man.

[EasyHeart]

"Divorced" can mean so many things, too.

 

I know people who got married to their college sweetie at 22 and divorced at 25, with no kids and no money issues. I don't really think of them as "divorced".

 

At the other end, you have people who were married for 15 years until one found out that the other was screwing everyone in the neighborhood and in the church. There's no way those people aren't going to be traumatized. I've had someone cheat on me while we were dating, and I don't think I'll ever get over that. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if you wife/husband cheated on you. And obviously, the more money issues and kid issues you have, the worse the divorce.

 

I'll go back to what I said earlier about the difference between "ready to date" and "read for a relationship", because I think that's the crux. After I break up with someone, the first thing I think about is NOT "I want another LT relationship". The first thing I want to do is get out there, find some hot chicks and get my mojo back. It's basic rebounding and it's a natural impulse. I'm definitely ready to date; I am definitely not relationship material.

 

Divorce has to be more traumatic than breaking up after dating, so why would we expect someone who is recently divorced to suddenly be looking for the (next) love of their life? It makes no sense.

 

So I guess my point is that I usually hear recently divorced people (emphasis on the 'recently')) say "I'm ready to date again", and as single people looking for a LT relationship, we need to listen to them: they are ready to DATE; they are not ready for a RELATIONSHIP.

[LoveLace]

You are right Easy, ready to date and ready for a relationship, 2 different things. So even if it appears the guys I've met are totally stable enough to "date", I'd still be one of the 1st they are applying it to, making it highly unlikely that it would become a LTR...unless maybe the chemistry was undeniably strong and special; but more often than not he'd date me for a while, and realize there are too many other options out there to go ahead and settle now..and who can blame a person for that after being emotionally and legally tied to someone else for however long. Just like anyone who breaks up, married or not, it's usually suggested that we don't stick with the 1st one who comes along after that.

 

Which leads me to "relationship hoppers"...those who go from one LTR to another with little time in between...and ironically most of those I've known did finally marry one of them. Weather or not these marriages resulted and permanent happiness, that seems to vary as much as all other marriages. But I never understood how these hoppers ended up in marriage when they never took the time to get over the past LTR's in the 1st place...I'm guessing the next relationship WAS this process for them. Makes me wonder if they've ever really taken any time for themselves..they are most comfortable living life through and with another person.

 

Where me, on the other hand, is extremely independent, I'm my own best friend and I tend to need periods of total detachment from those I get closest to. I have such great times with myself (LOL) when I do things that I like to do alone (hobbies and such) things that there are no way I could enjoy as much if someone else is there. I know it's healthy to an extent, but it's unhealthy in the sense that I fear losing this sense of self because of a committed relationship that I will have to dedicate so much of my time to. It seems I always get to a point of feeling "smothered"...not just with men, but even with friends who might want to hang out a lot. At the same time, I get lonely and depressed after so much of going out or eating out alone with no one to talk to. Other times, I'm happiest if no one calls or wants to talk to me at all. If they do I get crabby like I'm being bothered (I'm an only child however...even as a kid, always needed my space after so much time with neighbor kids or whatever...)

 

So the just divorced ones are not the right kind for me to exercise this conflict of mine with...what I need is someone with the similar personality, I guess...that or someone just SO great that I could never sick of them. Even then, I fear that I will never be able to really stay with 1 person for my entire life; since I've always been one to feel the need for constant change. That doesn't sit well for someone who also longs for love and having a family...I'm hoping the right thing comes along that allows me to somehow overcome this problem.

[EasyHeart]

You are right Easy, ready to date and ready for a relationship, 2 different things. So even if it appears the guys I've met are totally stable enough to "date", I'd still be one of the 1st they are applying it to, making it highly unlikely that it would become a LTR...unless maybe the chemistry was undeniably strong and special; but more often than not he'd date me for a while, and realize there are too many other options out there to go ahead and settle now..and who can blame a person for that after being emotionally and legally tied to someone else for however long. Just like anyone who breaks up, married or not, it's usually suggested that we don't stick with the 1st one who comes along after that.

The other thing to remember is that when a guy is playing the field, he isn't necessarily looking for a "better" woman, just a different one. He could be dating the smartest, richest, most beautiful woman on the planet, and after he sleeps with her he will start looking for someone else. Even a fat skank is suddenly more appealing than that amazing woman he's with, just because she's new. When a guy isn't in settling down mode, nothing is going to get him to be monogamous.

 

 

Where me, on the other hand, is extremely independent, I'm my own best friend and I tend to need periods of total detachment from those I get closest to. I have such great times with myself (LOL) when I do things that I like to do alone (hobbies and such) things that there are no way I could enjoy as much if someone else is there.

I am exactly the same.

 

It means you're (a) an introvert and (b) emotionally healthy, and those are both good things. You just need to find someone else who is the same way. All the good relationships I've had have been with women who are independent and happy with their own lives. The miserable relationships I've had are the ones where the women expect me to entertain them 24/7.

[LoveLace]

Well, Easy, it's probably healthier for me now than before, because I recognize that this slight issue of mine is the reason I've had doomed relationships and also just friendships in the past, because I always refused to be up front about any feelings until it was too late to do so. I always held back for the sake of looking weak, when in fact weakness is why it went that way in the first place...pushed many guys away, cursed them, whatever, anything to avoid how I really felt. Not that many of them didn't deserve me anyway; but some I can recall going back as long as 15 years of my life, some were just fine for me but I didn't want to recognize it. So here I am 33 and stone cold single because I'm just now learning what I really want and need, and also what others should want and need from me.

 

I'm nervous about a date next weekend, because it already feels too good to be true (example of why I'm single); since he's never married, fun, cute, good job, and we clicked better than I have with anyone in a long time (from talking on the phone many times and for hours at a time); even better, he is totally mutual about it. It's a territory that comes with online dating, nervous as heII that it won't be that way in person; that someone will be disappointed; you know, there must be something wrong with all this because having something wrong is all I know...so far we've agreed that it's unexpectedly and undeniably cool...so what's the catch, guess I'll find out next weekend...lol. But don't get me wrong, I'm hoping that it's just a very good time as I feel it will be in my gut...

 

That's totally off topic really though, however, at least this guy isn't divorced, haha.