He won't go to my grandmother's funeral.

[AprilFool]

I understand why he won't go to the wake; he has to work. The funeral is at two, and he usually gets off work by noon on Saturdays. I'm going down to my parents house for the wake, and spending the night until tomorrow. Then, I'm going to go to the funeral. I want my husband to be there. I need him to be there. He insists he won't get off work in time to go. I know that's bull. He could be home by noon, and at my parent's house by 1:30.

 

I get angry at stuff like this; I feel like he's going to have a great time staying home looking at porn while his wife's away. I need him. He's so selfish.

[jester]

Unfortunately, this behavior is consistent with his other selfish behavior that you have ably described. I continue to believe that porn is the least of your marital concerns. At most, porn is a symptom of some very, very strong character and relationship disorders.

 

His message to you has consistently been: My wants first; your wants never-- I'll do what I want to do and throw it in your face. Passive aggressive hostility even in your grief.

 

How motivated do you believe your husband is to remain married to you in any meaningful sense? Does he care?

 

I wonder...

 

I offer my condolences for your grandmother's passing.

 

[tphillip]

Originally posted by jester

Unfortunately, this behavior is consistent with his other selfish behavior that you have ably described.

That may be the case with AprilFool's husband, but I also want to put my 2 cents in on a different perspective: mine.

 

For me, funerals and wakes creep me out to the point of paralyzation. I've been to one wake and funeral: my grandfathers. Ever since I have been unable to go to another, including my mother's when she died. The whole experience freaked me out so badly that there is nothing that anyone could say or do to get me to go to one. I would terminate relationships over the issue if it came to that; I feel that strongly about the whole issue.

 

I have the feeling that this is not the reason why your husband doesn't want to go, but I did want to say that there are people out there who will not go to such functions, and will come up with any dignified plausable excuse to avoid it. Why he won't go and tell you why, I don't understand.

[moimeme]

Well, you could continue jumping to the conclusion that everything he does in life is motivated by access to porn. Or maybe you could ask him why he won't go and find out from him. He could actually hate funerals. I do. Did he know your grandmother? Did they like each other? Does your family like him?

 

Try asking him why he seems to not want to go when he usually gets off early on Saturdays. It may even be that he has to stay extra time tomorrow.

 

COMMUNICATE.

[Errol]

I'm sorry for your loss -- I know that sounds weak, but I know how hard it is and how sad to lose someone.

 

I know one person who will not attend a funeral. Period. Death freaks him out. He will attend a wake or service where the body is not present -- but he will go nowhere near a body.

 

If this is not the case with your husband then it's damn selfish of him not to be there for you. It doesn't matter if he knows your family or not -- he is your husband and he should be there. Even if he sits in a corner all the time the point is that you will know he is there and that is sometimes all the comfort that a person needs--just knowing that he is present. If you need a comforting hug you should be able to find him quickly and he should fold his arms around you. Just as you should be there for him if the roles were reversed.

 

That is just my opinion on how a marriage works in this situation. That is how it is in my family - immediate and extended.

 

I'm so sorry that he is being this way. The problems you have in your relationship are far deeper than porn issues and I hope that you can find some answers in counseling.

[moimeme]

The problems you have in your relationship are far deeper than porn issues and I hope that you can find some answers in counseling

 

I couldn't agree more.

[SoleMate]

Have you told him that you really want him to go, and why? BTW, your post talks all about YOUR ANGER, and not about your needs. How about this:

 

"Honey, I really feel so sad over Grandma, I'm going to be crying my eyes out, I'd love to have you there just to put your arm around me. You don't have to talk to Uncle Bill if you don't want to, and we can stop on the way home and have a relaxing drink together. How about it, will you come?"

[BabyGirl]

Sorry for your loss.

But I don't think him looking at porn is your problem...your obsession is the problem.

And most companies give time off for deaths in the family. I can't understand why he will be working that day anyway...he should be there to support you. Maybe you haven't convinced him how important his being there is.

[jenny]

the list you describe for him and for your relationship is starting to sound more negative than positive; that must suck. most people see a counselor when it is too late for their marriage; i hope that is not the case here.

 

all that said, i won't go to funerals either. i find them creepy and forced to the point of phobia as well - my dad made me promise i would hold a good old fashioned wake when he dies; if i allow one iota of false sentiment or any attention starved weepy fan to create drama, he's going to haunt me.

[AprilFool]

I blame that my husband is the most selfish human being on the planet!!!!

 

I don't think I love him right now. While at the funeral, all of my cousins and aunts had there husbands there for them. Even the women who just came to offer condolances had their husbands! They all had someone to comfort them, while I was left explaining that my husband "had to work" and "I don't know why he couldn't get the day off".

 

He is NEVER there for me. I ended up staying with my parents and extra day because I couldn't stand the thought of being anywhere near him.

 

And oh guess what....when I got home, there was laundry all over the bead for me to put away. When I seemed aggrivated, instead of asking me what's wrong, he said, "You should've stayed at your parents'."

 

I specifically asked him not to look at porn while I was gone, because I didn't need one more thing to weigh on my mind, but did he even do THAT!?!?! NO! He looked at it 20 minutes after I left on Friday, and for an hour this morning while I was on my way home.

 

You all say "communicate?" if I try to tell him how he's hurting me, or why I'm agrivated, he progresses to stomp out, or yell "SHUT UP!" or "Quit being such a cry baby," or he throws something of mine at me or at the wall and breaks it. I used to be the most communicative person on the planet, but he's figured out how to shut me up.

 

I try to accept him, I reflect that in my posts, but he just keeps coming up with new ways to break my heart.

 

I hated him this weekend, and I thought that once I got home to him I'd feel better, but I don't. I still despise the idea of him touching me. I don't know if this feeling will pass, but I hope it does, because I hate it.

 

On top of grieving for my grandmother, and not having ANYONE there just for me, I had to deal with the embarassment that my brand-new husband didn't care enough about me to drive two hours to be with me.

 

I would be heading for divorce court right now, except for one thing, and that's that I am trying to be a christian, and in the church, you only get one husband, and you have to live with it.'

 

If I leave him, I never get another husband, so I'm going to tryyyyy to just accept him, but this resentment is really building up! He won't let me talk to him. He want's to pretend everything is wonderful, and his wife will come home from a horrible weekend of losing someone close to her, and FOLD CLOTHES!!!

[AprilFool]

I came to him and told him I love him, and he responded by saying, "Whatever." I sat down to try and get out of him why he was mad at me, but he wouldn't talk to me. I told him I had a hard weekend, and asked him to give me a break, and he responded by telling me that I came home mad at him. I told him that I was on my period, and had a hard weekend.

 

I asked him if he wanted me to start telling him why I was upset with him, or if he wanted me to just get over it in my own way. He said he didn't care. I said it was important, and he said it wasn't.

 

I started to tell him how I felt being at the funeral alone, and I told him that I needed him, and that it hurt to not have him there to comfort me, or to cry on his shoulder. I started crying, and he yelled, 'I had to work!" I said, "You could've asked for the day off." and he said, "Asked who!?!" I said, "Your boss!" He gritted his teath, and started to throw the remote control at me, then said through gritted teeth, "You'd better go to the other room." I started to bawl and left the room.

 

Now, people, tell me how mean and selfish I am. Tell me that I need to comunicate. Tell me how stupid I am for even asking a man to go to a funeral with me. Tell me how wonderful he is because he looks at porn.

 

TELL ME!!!!

[Kriz]

How's his situation at work? Sorry, I know this is not what you need but I feel that responding to your griefs (that's wrong! he's terrible...) would only fuel your anger here.

 

Has he ever given you a hint as to why he acts like this?

[moimeme]

If you don't go to a counsellor, your marriage will end. Soon.

[Thinkalot]

Please April, go to counselling. Will he go with you? You need a third person to help you air your feelings together.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by AprilFool

Now, people, tell me how mean and selfish I am. Tell me that I need to comunicate. Tell me how stupid I am for even asking a man to go to a funeral with me. Tell me how wonderful he is because he looks at porn.

 

*Frowns*

 

No one said you were mean, selfish, or. stupid. No one said your husband was wonderful. Do you think the reason he won't go to the funeral is because of porn? Do you think the reason he almost threw a remote control at you is because of porn? Do you think the reason you have trouble communicating is because of porn? Do you think the reason that you cry is because he looks at porn, like he was such a great husband, until one day he found porn on the computer?

 

The fact that you two don't function as a healthy couple is a difficult problem. But you see porn and pounce on it, as if stopping that would stabilize your relationship. If it wasn't porn, it would be something else.

 

Are there any good things about your marriage? Does your husband have any good qualities at all?

 

Stop masquerading bigger issues with small stuff. Some couples benefit from counselling; however, you two need it

[Thinkalot]

April I feel for you...as my partner and I are going through some sh*t as well, largely stemming from my obsessing issues. But we are working on it together, and I think that's reallly important.

 

It wasn't that long ago that you two said your vows, what has happened since then?

[jester]

Now, people, tell me how mean and selfish I am. Tell me that I need to communicate. Tell me how stupid I am for even asking a man to go to a funeral with me. Tell me how wonderful he is because he looks at porn.

 

TELL ME!!!!

 

You're not mean and selfish, April. I certainly did not blame you in any way in my post.

 

Even earlier on, and in a previous incarnation, I strongly supported you against what I perceived to be your husband's vile, cruel and selfish behavior.

 

This latest emotional abuse comes as no surprise. He's consistent in his evil.

 

My strongest recommendation to you will be very un-Oprah like: Get out of your destructive marriage, now. Your marriage hell, with it's constant abuse and borderline violence, does not warrant counseling. What is it that you're even saving?

 

Unless masochism is your bag, and I don't believe it is, exit now. And then go into therapy.

 

Get out.

[AprilFool]

Sorry to burden you guys with every issue I have with my husband. I hold all of the resentment in until I post to you guys. I guess talking trash about him helps me to get over it.

 

I found this "confidential" thing of his on the coffee table after he went to bed. Of course I took out what was inside and read it. You can bash me for that later. Any way, it was dated the day my grandmother died. Inside were letters from his boss, repremanding him for skipping stops on such and such date. Then, it stated that on 12-24-03 he got KICKED OUT of a Speedway. I didn't know anything about this! I can't imagine why my husband, who is mild mannered to everyone but me, would get kicked out of anywhere. I remember he had a bad attitude when he got home from work on Christmas Eve.

 

I can understand why he was so reluctant to ask for the day off now, since his boss had just chewed him out for poor job performance.

 

He was asleep, so I wrote him a note telling him that I was sorry for being so unsupportive of him and his job. I told him that I didn't blame him for not being there for me. I explained in the note that I never had a man that was there for me EVER, and that because of that, I blamed him for not being there when I needed him.

 

I'm sure if he'd asked for the day off, he'd have gotten it. My husband is so stubborn, though, and he's probably pretty angry at his boss, and didn't want to ask him for anything.

 

This morning, we had a "covers" fight. He would hog the quilt, then I'd yank it off him, then he'd yank it off me. It started out as a spite game between us, but by the end we were laughing. We haven't talked much, but he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me, and I told him that I loved him.

 

We'll get through this. You all are right about the communication thing between us. He never tells me what's going on with him, so I end up assuming he is just being selfish. If he'd told me about the scolding he'd gotten from his boss, I would have COMPLETELY understood, but he chose to with hold that information *probably to protect his pride....which I don't blame him for that either* and I spent the entire weekend hating him for his selfishness. If he'd communicated, things would've been better.

 

Also, rather than explain it to me, he almost threw the remote at me. I wish he would just learn to talk to me. I wish he'd just learn that I want to help him. I would never scold him for getting thrown out of a store.....I'd understand and take his side over anyones. I've proven that over and over to him, but he doesn't seem to trust me. If I'D gotten thrown out of a store, however, he'd probably get angry at me. Oh well.

 

Obviously our problem is lack of communication. He's shut me up with his "I'll-throw-this-at-you" threats, and he is so shut up, what can I do but make the most logical assumption? I knew his boss would let him have the day off.....he just didn't want to ask for it because he's stubborn.

 

But anyway, I can accept the stubborness, and I can support that. I wouldn't want to ask for the day off either. I wish he'd told me, though, and saved me grief.

 

Ok guys, I've learned from this experience: If my husband does something that I deem in a bad light, there's probably a good reason for it, but he's not telling me.

 

Any ideas on how to get him to talk to me better would be greatly appreciated.

 

On the porn note, I don't blame porn at all...I just threw that in there, because everyone says I blame porn for my marriage being difficult. I don't. I would like to get porn out of my marriage, though, because it makes me feel degraded, unrespected, and just plain bad in every way....PLUS, it's costing us $29.99 every month, and I get ragged on about every cent I spend. I just hate porn. I'm not going to watch it any more. I'm going to throw out all his tapes (which he never watches any way) and I'm going to throw away any Playboy magazines we get...I'm not even going to open them. I'm going to start going to church better, and quit cussing. I'm going to read my bible more, and be more godly; like I was when we were dating. Maybe if I quit trying to slut around him like a porn star, and acting like the godly respectible woman he thought he married, then maybe I'll get the respect I'm looking for. I'm starting to think that I've been going about this all wrong. How can I expect him to give up porn, when I look at it? How can I expect him to respect me, when I don't act respectible? I have been trying to compete with fantasy sluts, and it isn't working.

 

Like my Mom always says, "If something you're trying doesn't work, try something else!"

 

Thanks for all the support loveshackers; I always appreciate it. I'd like to appologize for posting so often about my marrital problems. Honestly, though, I'm so wired to talk-it-out, that if I didn't come here and post before going to my husband, I'd explode all over him. You guys always help me to get perspective, and I appreciate it. Guess I'm a little co-dependant on loveshack...or something

[cdn]

I see a pattern here: your husband does something you don't like - you ask him about it - he is uncommunicative - you suspect the worst (usually involving porn) - you find out the truth and realize your assessment was wrong.

 

While I don't think you are *the* problem here, nor do I think he is. You are locked in a nasty cycle which is not getting any better. You feel better today, you say. But how does your husband feel? I imagine he's pretty miserable knowing that his job is in jeopardy and he can't discuss it with you.

 

There are a couple of choices here, one of which is that he is selfish and withholding. If this is the case, then, yes, you need to exit your marriage. But if the two of you have worked into a pattern together where your responses to him have led him to believe that it's not safe to talk with you (I am thinking in particular of your earlier pron posts wherein you stated that you asked him about it, told him it was ok, and then berated him for it), I would suggest that you need outside help to break out of this cycle. If you don't, then incidents like this one (your grandmother's funeral) are just going to happen with even greater regularity and more damaging results.

[moimeme]

I figured as much. Cdn hit it right on the head:

 

I see a pattern here: your husband does something you don't like - you ask him about it - he is uncommunicative - you suspect the worst (usually involving porn) - you find out the truth and realize your assessment was wrong.

 

You have established in your own mind a tradition of always assuming the worst of the man you claim to love. This is not loving behaviour. Yes, he's at fault for not communicating, but to be fair, your relationship is not a paragon of warmth and security where he would feel free to communicate. All he knows is that he's always getting bashed - he needs to feel 'safe' to be able to reveal things to you. Until you stop going off at him on every possible occasion and blaming everything he does on porn, this is a hopeless situation. Really, April, even if he won't go to counselling, go yourself. Learn how to change your attitudes and behaviour to him and then he'll open up. And do it soon.

 

You have seen how well it works. You have, on occasion, been nicer to him and he's responded. But then a day or so passes and you're back on your old rage pattern. Eventually, April, and it will be sooner rather than later, he will decide that he simply cannot speak to you and that this relationship is not worth all this crap.

 

GO TO A COUNSELLOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lostforwords]

everyone is right.... get counselling asap..... i dont see a marriage at all between you 2 but rather as if you guys are playing house..... im sorry but april i hate to say this, but it seems as if you 2 are too immature for marriage.... a counsellor will help you 2 be able to work on your massive communication problems, your resentment issues, and both of your lack of respect for eachother. I really dont see you 2 treating eachother as husband and wife but rather as 2 fifteen year olds dating. i dont mean to sound this harsh but the reality is april you have fallen into a cycle. and because of the lack of immaturity of not being able to deal with the things that keep happening, soon your marriage will fall apart. this may not be what you want to hear and trust me when i say im not trying to be mean, but when i continue to read all of your threads with all of your problems, there has been one continuing theme with all of it and thats both of you failing to communicate with eachother on a mature level and respecting eachother. seek counselling ASAP!! im sorry but thats my 2 cents.... good luck to you april!!

[AprilFool]

yep

[Thinkalot]

Truly April, I think the others are spot on as well. My man and I have in the past got into bad patterns of behaviour....where he may seem to be "wrong" or I may seem to be "wrong" but really we are just in a cycle, and reacting to each other in the same old ways. You need to break out of that together. Good luck April. Relationships take work...you can get there.