Best friends or more? How do I get over him?

[Marie]

I'm new to this, but I need some outside advice...

 

Here's my story. It's long, but this is the short version...

 

It all started almost two years ago. I don't remember the first time that I realized I had feelings for Thomas. I do remember the first time I met him.

 

His family had came to my church in February of 1997...my junior year in high school. His dad was going to be the new youth minster. When I saw Thomas and his brother Charlie, I thought, "What geeks!" I was leary to let them into our group mainly because I didn't want our old youth minster to leave.

 

As time went on, I grew to love Thomas and Charlie's family. Thomas was my age (but a grade behind), so we talked a few times. He had a girlfriend, Krista, and the two of them pretty much kept to themselves. When he finally broke up with her (because she was pressuring him to have sex, and he wouldn't), him and I started hanging out more and more.

 

Even before Thomas and Krista broke up I realized that I had a crush on him. He was all that I could think of, but I didn't want to say anything to him for fear of messing up what was begining to be a great friendship.

 

I had never had a boyfriend, and I was so nervous around him. Once, we went on a retreat. It was just the two of us sitting outside one night, and he asked me if I was going to kiss him. STUPID ME, says no, and walks away. He was kidding about it, but I could have easily played off of it.

 

One week at church Charlie and I were talking. Thomas wasn't there that night. Charlie looked at me and said, "You know he likes you." I just acted like he hadn't said anything. What was I supposed to say to his little brother?

 

The next time we were at church, I told Thomas that I liked him. He was in shock, so once again, I ran away. That night, he put his arm around me, and starting rubbing my neck. This made me very uncomfortable because we still hadn't talked about what had happened that morning. So I asked him what he wanted. He just smiled and said, "Nothing."

 

We talked about it later and he told me, "You left me speechless the other night. I've never felt that way about you and I don't want a girlfriend right now. I went through too much with Krista. It scared me because I finally found a great friend, someone who I can talk to. And then you tell me this. But then I realized that things were only going to change between us if I let them...and I'm not going to let them change."

 

As much as I was crushed by this, I was glad that he wasn't going to let it effect our friendship...or so he said. One night when we went out, I was telling him how this little boy we always talked to had given me a kiss on the cheek before we left church. Thomas looked at me in all seriousness and said, "You could have had a kiss from me." What am I supposed to think? He just wants to be friends...

 

He had always flirted with me, but it seemed like it got worse after I told him how I felt. So of course, I thought he liked me. Everyone thought he liked me. When he asked a friend of mine to our Valentine's Day Banquet (in 1998), everyone wondered why he didn't ask me.

 

For those of you who have ever seen "Dawson's Creek", well, that's my story. By this time, Thomas and I were best friends. Where there was one, there was the other. We were inseperable...until Taryn came along.

 

Thomas met Taryn at a party. They started talking and eventually dating. I went through what seemed like months of depression when in reality, it was only weeks. My senior year in high school, and I can't get this guy off my mind.

 

Everyone was shocked that he had a girlfriend. At lunch one day my preacher asked where Thomas was. His mom said that he had gone to church with his girlfriend. My preacher looked at me and said, "I thought YOU were his friend." How was I supposed to respond? I simply said, "He is, but we are just friends."

 

Well, Taryn turned out to be someone that I don't like. She hurt him really bad. That's another story though. They broke up after 4 months. I was so glad! But, by this time her family had started coming to our church.

 

None of Thomas' friends liked Taryn. One night Thomas, another friend (Joe) and I were watching a movie at Thomas' house. Taryn called in the middle of the movie. Joe started yelling in the background, "She's no good for you, that girls no good for you."

 

I graduated and Thomas kept telling me that he didn't know what he was going to do when I went away to college. We would spend hours on the phone talking and crying about that day that was fast approaching.

 

The day finally came when I moved away. I talked to Thomas every night. The first month that I was gone, my phone bill, for calls to him, was over $50, not to mention the money spent on phone cards and the free minutes on my cell phone. The second month, the bill was almost $90. He complained that his was $20, for two months (not just to me). That's when the phone calls got less and less. I wasn't going to be the one to put all the money out for the phone.

 

For his 18th birthday, his parents threw him a surprise party. I didn't even want to go because Taryn was going to be there. I told my mom and she said, "Why? Because he acts different when she's around?" Mom didn't know anything that had gone on between Thomas and I. At the party, he introduced everyone by name. When he got to me he said, "This is my best friend, Marie..." He had told me before that I was his best friend, but he had never said it in front of other people.

 

Every time that I would start to get over him, he would sense it and do something to make things go back to like they were in the begining.

 

Recently, him and Taryn got back together. He knows that I don't like her, so when she's around he won't talk to me. This past weekend, we went on a retreat to the same place as last year. It was really hard for me because that's where everything started between us...and now he was here with Taryn. It was an awful weekend, and we didn't talk the whole time.

 

When we got back I wrote him a 5 page letter telling him how I felt about always being the one to "fix" things in our friendship and always the one to make plans. I told him, "No, I don't like Taryn. But if that's the only way that I can see you, then I'll just have to deal with her being around. I'm not going to let anyone or anything come between our friendship because we have been through too much and overcome too much together." I should have never mailed it!

 

I got an email from him today saying that he didn't feel that he could talk to me until he could make EVERYONE happy. He went on and on and basically said that he's choosing her over our friendship. I wrote him back and told him that I'm sorry I came across so harsh, but I thought he should know how I felt. I told him that he didn't have to make me happy, so I made his decision easy.

 

Here's the problem. I still like him...and I honestly think that I love him. I don't want to know how to get him, I want to know how to get over him. I've prayed about this, and read verses in my bible, and I've talked to friends. I've given it to God so many times, but I keep taking it back. I'm going home for Thanksgiving next week and I have to see him at church. I don't want to see him right now. How can I get over him and not hurt anymore?

 

The ironic thing about this is that right after I read the email from Thomas, I read an e-card from my sister. At the bottom, she put only these 5 words: "Thomas isn't worth the pain." I know she is right, but I don't know how to get past the pain! Help!

 

I know I've left some things out...just ask if you want to know. Oh, our relationship was never physical.

 

Marie

 

P.S. To make things worse, he is talking about moving down here and going to my college next year...(

[Amanda]

Ok i just want to say is i know exactly how you feel! I mean exactly! I went through a VERy similar thing with my best guy friend and am still going through it..if you need someone to talk to e-mail me <e-mail address removed> and i also have ICQ. If you need someone to talk to i am here...maybe we can help each other.

 

*Amanda

[Mandie]

I want to say the same thing as Amanda I went through it to and like you my best guy friend does go to the same college as me. That makes it even worse. So if you ever need to talk e-mail me at <e-mail address removed> Who knows maybe the 3 of us can help eachother get through this.

 

Mandie*

[Marie]

Well, after talking to my sis for a LONG time tonight, I've decided to put some much needed space between Thomas and myself. I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to him. If he's in the same room, I'll say hi...but that's about it. Let me know what you think..

 

Marie

I want to say the same thing as Amanda I went through it to and like you my best guy friend does go to the same college as me. That makes it even worse. So if you ever need to talk e-mail me at <e-mail address removed> Who knows maybe the 3 of us can help eachother get through this. Mandie*

[Pete]

There's only one way I'm afraid -

 

Don't see him any more, and leave it to time

I'm new to this, but I need some outside advice... Here's my story. It's long, but this is the short version...

 

It all started almost two years ago. I don't remember the first time that I realized I had feelings for Thomas. I do remember the first time I met him. His family had came to my church in February of 1997...my junior year in high school. His dad was going to be the new youth minster. When I saw Thomas and his brother Charlie, I thought, "What geeks!" I was leary to let them into our group mainly because I didn't want our old youth minster to leave. As time went on, I grew to love Thomas and Charlie's family. Thomas was my age (but a grade behind), so we talked a few times. He had a girlfriend, Krista, and the two of them pretty much kept to themselves. When he finally broke up with her (because she was pressuring him to have sex, and he wouldn't), him and I started hanging out more and more. Even before Thomas and Krista broke up I realized that I had a crush on him. He was all that I could think of, but I didn't want to say anything to him for fear of messing up what was begining to be a great friendship. I had never had a boyfriend, and I was so nervous around him. Once, we went on a retreat. It was just the two of us sitting outside one night, and he asked me if I was going to kiss him. STUPID ME, says no, and walks away. He was kidding about it, but I could have easily played off of it. One week at church Charlie and I were talking. Thomas wasn't there that night. Charlie looked at me and said, "You know he likes you." I just acted like he hadn't said anything. What was I supposed to say to his little brother? The next time we were at church, I told Thomas that I liked him. He was in shock, so once again, I ran away. That night, he put his arm around me, and starting rubbing my neck. This made me very uncomfortable because we still hadn't talked about what had happened that morning. So I asked him what he wanted. He just smiled and said, "Nothing." We talked about it later and he told me, "You left me speechless the other night. I've never felt that way about you and I don't want a girlfriend right now. I went through too much with Krista. It scared me because I finally found a great friend, someone who I can talk to. And then you tell me this. But then I realized that things were only going to change between us if I let them...and I'm not going to let them change."

 

As much as I was crushed by this, I was glad that he wasn't going to let it effect our friendship...or so he said. One night when we went out, I was telling him how this little boy we always talked to had given me a kiss on the cheek before we left church. Thomas looked at me in all seriousness and said, "You could have had a kiss from me." What am I supposed to think? He just wants to be friends...

 

He had always flirted with me, but it seemed like it got worse after I told him how I felt. So of course, I thought he liked me. Everyone thought he liked me. When he asked a friend of mine to our Valentine's Day Banquet (in 1998), everyone wondered why he didn't ask me. For those of you who have ever seen "Dawson's Creek", well, that's my story. By this time, Thomas and I were best friends. Where there was one, there was the other. We were inseperable...until Taryn came along. Thomas met Taryn at a party. They started talking and eventually dating. I went through what seemed like months of depression when in reality, it was only weeks. My senior year in high school, and I can't get this guy off my mind. Everyone was shocked that he had a girlfriend. At lunch one day my preacher asked where Thomas was. His mom said that he had gone to church with his girlfriend. My preacher looked at me and said, "I thought YOU were his friend." How was I supposed to respond? I simply said, "He is, but we are just friends." Well, Taryn turned out to be someone that I don't like. She hurt him really bad. That's another story though. They broke up after 4 months. I was so glad! But, by this time her family had started coming to our church. None of Thomas' friends liked Taryn. One night Thomas, another friend (Joe) and I were watching a movie at Thomas' house. Taryn called in the middle of the movie. Joe started yelling in the background, "She's no good for you, that girls no good for you." I graduated and Thomas kept telling me that he didn't know what he was going to do when I went away to college. We would spend hours on the phone talking and crying about that day that was fast approaching. The day finally came when I moved away. I talked to Thomas every night. The first month that I was gone, my phone bill, for calls to him, was over $50, not to mention the money spent on phone cards and the free minutes on my cell phone. The second month, the bill was almost $90. He complained that his was $20, for two months (not just to me). That's when the phone calls got less and less. I wasn't going to be the one to put all the money out for the phone.

 

For his 18th birthday, his parents threw him a surprise party. I didn't even want to go because Taryn was going to be there. I told my mom and she said, "Why? Because he acts different when she's around?" Mom didn't know anything that had gone on between Thomas and I. At the party, he introduced everyone by name. When he got to me he said, "This is my best friend, Marie..." He had told me before that I was his best friend, but he had never said it in front of other people.

 

Every time that I would start to get over him, he would sense it and do something to make things go back to like they were in the begining. Recently, him and Taryn got back together. He knows that I don't like her, so when she's around he won't talk to me. This past weekend, we went on a retreat to the same place as last year. It was really hard for me because that's where everything started between us...and now he was here with Taryn. It was an awful weekend, and we didn't talk the whole time.

 

When we got back I wrote him a 5 page letter telling him how I felt about always being the one to "fix" things in our friendship and always the one to make plans. I told him, "No, I don't like Taryn. But if that's the only way that I can see you, then I'll just have to deal with her being around. I'm not going to let anyone or anything come between our friendship because we have been through too much and overcome too much together." I should have never mailed it!

 

I got an email from him today saying that he didn't feel that he could talk to me until he could make EVERYONE happy. He went on and on and basically said that he's choosing her over our friendship. I wrote him back and told him that I'm sorry I came across so harsh, but I thought he should know how I felt. I told him that he didn't have to make me happy, so I made his decision easy. Here's the problem. I still like him...and I honestly think that I love him. I don't want to know how to get him, I want to know how to get over him. I've prayed about this, and read verses in my bible, and I've talked to friends. I've given it to God so many times, but I keep taking it back. I'm going home for Thanksgiving next week and I have to see him at church. I don't want to see him right now. How can I get over him and not hurt anymore? The ironic thing about this is that right after I read the email from Thomas, I read an e-card from my sister. At the bottom, she put only these 5 words: "Thomas isn't worth the pain." I know she is right, but I don't know how to get past the pain! Help!

 

I know I've left some things out...just ask if you want to know. Oh, our relationship was never physical. Marie P.S. To make things worse, he is talking about moving down here and going to my college next year...(

[Angel]

OK here it goes...

 

I am sure I know what your thinking. Here is some wierd girl who thinks she knows whats going on in my life. Well, I think I might have a pretty good idea. My life has recently been turned upside down for a guy I am sure I am in love with. Well hears my story, and hopefully I can help you and maybe you can help me...

 

My mother came running in the house one morning and screamed about how we needed to fix up the house. Today was the day a new boy would be coming to live with us. He was 19 and was coming to spend a year with us. We went through this long process so that we got checked out and it was going to be a good family enviornment. I was excited!! I had never had an older brother. It would be so cool to have someone to relate to and domeone to help me with my pathetic teenage problems.

 

I had been out all night at a cheerleading slumber when he arrived. I hadn't slept in at least 3 days and was totally dirty from the initiation earlier that morning. After I was dopped off I didn't relize but inside was the guy who would changew my life forever. My hair was everywhere and I had honey in it. I felt dumb, but he seemed to find it quite humorous. As I ran up the stairs mom yelled and said I needed to come say hi to the boys. I ran into the bathroom and washed my hair ignoring her plea.

 

When I came down I looked into two of the cutest faces I think I have ever seen. I smiled and said hello. They were getting ready to leave and meet up with a bunch of the boys, but they happened upon a hello and a I am really glad to meet you! I smiled with a fac e full of redness.

 

As days went on I found that although this bad boy was a great guy he was more then that he was now my best friend. We talked about everything. I really started to fall head over heels in love with him. After a few of my ex-boyfriends and a crushed self esteem I never in a million years thought a guy like that could go for me. One night (I am not sure if this was intended) but we were watching a movie at 12:00. When he said you know what my back really hurts from practice can I get one of your famoust massages. I said sure and as I rubbed his armed I felt this calmness that I had never felt with a boy before. Maybe it was the fact that I could never get him. I felt my body wishing he would turn over and kiss me.

 

I am not sure if someone up there heard me, but in a matter of seconds he was on his back with his face up at mine. NO matter how hard it was for me to control myself he needed to make the first move. He did and he showed me where my hands belonged. A smile reached both our faces. Before I knew it i was laying with him and he was holding me as tight as he could. I told him he didn't know what he was doing his school scholarship was AT RISk. How could I let him do something that could hurt him so badly. As he smiled he said your right. As I tured he said remember no matter what happens I 'll always love you. I smiled and turned to my room.

 

He woke the next morning and told me what we did was wrong. I said ok, but secretly the tears were fling down my face. I went back to my room and didn't come out for a day. When I did come out my face was pale my eyes red and I was dizzy from my spell. He told me he was sorry and he really didn't mean it and until we kissed he wouldn't have done anything wrong. He didn't kiss me that night but that was only the beginning.

 

One night I know that his plan was to kiss me and do stuff. We watched another late night movie. I was really excited expecally when he asked me to give him another back rub. I did and the samething started to happen until he said I am sorry forever hurting you and I promise you I love you . I felt my eyes start to tear. He Leaned over and kissed me. I just knew he had to mean it. I felt my body start to flow with his. We didn't do anything I would regret. So I felt ok. He stopped and said he was sorry it couldn't go on, he had to much at stake. I started to cry, can't you just tell me you care or was everything we did empty? He said as he leaned down and wiped my tears away that he never did anything he didn't care about. And he kissed me and went to bed.

 

After a few weeks we started to have these talkes about what we had let happened and how he new he had hurt me, but he didn't feel the same way about me. As The tears flowed. I found that he would stay up at night and listen to me cry. He knew he was hurting me using me like that and I couldn't let it happen anymore. NO matter how much I tried to forget him he would be right there and he would do something that was so sweet.

 

After a while I though I would like his friend if I got my mind off of him then things would get better. I was so wrong. He told his friend I liked him. It became this big ordeal. Soon he told me that he didn't want me to like his friend, just him. I said that it wasn't fair. I had to love him always and he could use me at his will. He told me that that was never the way it was.

 

I am so confussed I love him with all my heart, but I need things back in return. I can't tell anyone and I need to talk to someone. I think I can help you with your problem, but I can only hope you can help me with mine. Please help me to find out if it is that he really loves me or if he is just jerking with me. I really need some advice, cause doing it myself just isn't working.

 

In need of your help...Love always

 

Angel

[Sally]

Hey angel just a word of advise I think he is jerking you around I mean if

 

he really loves you he wouldn't care what happened and he is really selfish for not letting you like his friend The boy can't have his cake and eat it to.