ali

[jon]

about three years ago i met a wonderful girl. we slowly became friends as i slowly developed feelings for her. a little less than a year after we met, i aproached her with these feelings and was told that she did not want a boyfriend at the time. i took what she said literally. we became even closer of friends and i began to think that she was the girl i was truely meant to be with. i approached her again with my feelings and she told me that she didnt want to ruin the wonderful friendship we have now. well that was almost a year ago and i tried to convince myself that it would never happen. my attempts failed and my feelings got the best of me. since then a new, but close, friend of hers (ashley) developed a crush on me (i call it that because she "liked" me before ever even talking to me). very recently i wrote Ali explaining my feelings and such. this time her explanation (pasted below) was a little more envolved, yet still not to my liking. what should i do? im crazy about ali. she is everything i could dream of and more. deep down i just know she is right for me.

 

"It seams like we have had this conversaition about a million times. I really don't know what to tell you. Part of me whats to say one thing and another part of me knows that if I say it chances are you will get the wrong impression. Okay the last time that this subject came up I have told you the truth which was that I didn't want to get hurt again. This time there is a little more to it. Over this past year I have become very good friends with Ashley Denson, although she may never be anything significant to you, she is a good friend of mine. I honestly don't think I could do anything to hurt her, I owe that girl so much for some of the things she's done for me. Okay here is the part that I really would rather not say but I might as well so... There are times when I want to kill myself (not really) for not being with you. I know that we could have a great relationship and that most likely things would work out. But most of the time it's completly not like that for me. I see you as a best friend, and as of now thats how I would like it to stay. WHo knows what the future holds, and I'm sorry if once again I've hurt you, thats the last thing I want to do, but thats the honset truth."

 

Ali

[Tony T]

First, it is rather curious that this latest exchange with her on the subject took place via writing and mail rather than in person.

 

Plain and simply, this girl wants to be no more than a friend and probably for all time. You are torturing yourself needlessly and will ultimately totally and completely for all time destroy your friendship with her if you ever again bring up the subject of being more than friends. Let her bring up the subject (as if she will) if you decide to keep torturing yourself and hanging around.

 

Ultimately, if you continue, rather than seeing you as a friend, she will view you as an annoyance, nuisance, irritation, and someone to avoid at all cost.

 

Every moment you are with her you dream of being more. You constantly think about it and dream about it at night. You are very angry at me right now because I'm not telling you that the two of you could sail into the sunset and be lovers forever more. But that is not the truth and never will be.

 

You have been around her long enough, way way long enough. In every way she knows how, she is trying to spare your feelings. You are being very cruel to her by subjecting her to dealing with this subject over and over. I think you will find that this mail you received will be the last nice mail she sends you if you bring the subject up again.

 

Moreover, I think Ashley was a set up. I think the word purposely got to you that Ashley liked you so Ali could use that as a further excuse. She was running out of them. It is lame as they come, considering you have known Ali so long. I mean it comes straight from the World Dumb Institute and you don't even see through it. She had already run out of the classic excuses, straight from your post: First, she didn't want a boyfriend at the time. Second, she didn't want to ruin a wonderful friendship. Now, she had to come up with the Ashley thing. I promise you the next time it won't be so pleasant.

 

I would be extremely cautious in persuing Ashley, if you decide to. You will always begrudge her as one of the lame reasons Ali wouldn't upgrade the friendship. Again, I think it was a set up anyway.

 

Now what she wanted to tell you that she felt you would take the wrong way is that she does love you dearly, more than anything in the world, AS A FRIEND. She would do anything in the world not to hurt you because she does love you. But she does NOT love you in the kissing, sex, marriage kind of way. I know, because I have been there. If you had any idea of the anguish a lady in her position suffers because of your persistance, you would crawl in a hole and die. She is trying so hard to be kind and nice to you but one day, when she runs out of excuses, she will be very pissed at you...unless you BACK OFF.

 

Consider yourself a lucky man. You can have her love as a friend and find someone else you can have a romance with.

 

It crushes me to have to write these words because I know how you feel. I have been there myself more than just a few times. You could waste many more years waiting for Ali to come around. But, on the brighter side, one day she will fall in love with someone, get married, have children and then you won't give her much thought. I know. Every one of the girls who were friends who I had feelings for is now married and it really doesn't bother me.

 

But I will tell you this. When Ali does meet someone she wants to be romantic with, it will bust your guts if you let it, especially the first time you seem them kiss in front of you.

 

Additionally, you have to understand that when women see a man as a platonic friend or a brother, most of them would consider it incest to go any further than that.

 

There are most definitely occasions when things turn out differently, but this is not one of them. Not only has she made it very clear to you. She has gone way out of her way, short of surgery, to get her position into your head.

 

My post here probably has not moved you at all if you've even bothered to read this far. But print it out. When you've really busted your heart wide open and pounded it over every brick in your city because you insist on hanging around this girl that just will never budge, read it again and find comfort.

 

Once she does fall in love, gets married, and has a few children, you will once and for all be totally free to go find you someone that you should be looking for right now.

[magicklady]

It is time to give up on this girl and move on with your life. She is not even being a good friend with what she said in that letter. If you want her romantically and know that being friends is never going to be enough.. you need to move on so you can meet someone new, because as long as she is such a big part of your life you will never move on.. you will just wait and hope for what might be.. I have just recently gone through that and I can tell you.. it feels really good when you finally let go...

 

GOOD LUCK..

 

You sound like a wonderful guy