Step kids and parents

[advicegirl]

My step brother is 12, my step sister is 9 and my brother is 11.I am 16. well going to be 16 in afew months.

 

My parents are driving me crazy!!!! So is my step brother, sister and my brother. See they seem to bee able to blame everything on me. If the step sister does stuff she blames it on us and my parents(My mom her dad) belive her. Its not fair. Also my mom yells at me sometimes for no reason. Last night I had my homework done and then she came in and starting yelling and said I don't do anything to help her and I should be doing stuff around the house instead of being in my room. Sometimes it really sucks being the oldest. My step brother who is 12 isn't that bad. But the youngest 2 are BRATS!!! Its like they are out to get you. Even my brother trys to get me trouble, I can be sitting at the table and he is on the other side of the room and he yells to my mom that I hit him or kicked him. She yells at me, when I didn't do anything. Then if I say I didn't do anything they say I lie or the evil step sister and my brother fake crying and of course they are given into. I don't know what to do any more. Alot of you answered my threads and I thank you very much. You guys are awesome!!! Please I need more good advice from you.

advicegirl

[mintjulep]

All I can tell you is that it gets better as they get older. My parents are still together, and were when I was sixteen, but I do have a sister who is six years younger than I am. As you can imagine, we weren't the best of friends. I am now a junior in college, and she's turning 14 next weekend. We still don't have worlds in common, but we're much better friends, now, because she's more mature and therefore easier to get along with - and so am I It's going to suck for the next few years, I'm sorry to say. I had some of the worst fights with my mother when I was sixteen and seventeen. My parents are also of the "scream at you for 'no reason'" variety - and I believe that to this day, even though I'm not sixteen anymore. They do it to my sister and they do it to each other, and now, as an outsider, I see that my perception wasn't necessarily just because I was the victim, but I really do love them, anyway. It's just different when you're not living with them anymore. I hope this helps you get through the next year or two or five. Just remember that when your siblings get older, they'll be more like friends and less like small, annoying children. They just have a little growing up to do first. And your relationship with your parents can improve, but there's more conflict when one of them is a step parent, and tons more conflict when you're just on the cusp of leaving their house. It's a struggle for power, usually. That also gets better in time.

 

Good luck.

[tphillip]

Sounds like my childhood. I was the oldest, hence the "scapegoat". My younger brother was the quiet one, or the "schemer". My youngest one was the "informant". And whenever anything went wrong, my old man would blame the "scapegoat", even if it turned out to be his fault. Talk about gettting it from all sides.

 

Unfortunately I don't think you're going to be able to do much about it. Family dynamics are extremely difficult to change and with you being one of the children you're not going to be able to do much at all. Your parents will not take you seriously because you're their child, and your siblings will continue to do what they're doing because your parents are actually encouraging their behavior.

 

So what do you do? That's a good question. For me I just buried myself in my music and was never home. Once I turned 18 and got accepted into a college 150 miles away (Close enough to visit, far enough not to be bothered on a constant basis) I left and rarely went home, even during the summer break. You're in a tough spot and there are no easy answers. If you can't get your parents to sit down and listen to you (And this means that you find a quiet time to it, and be calm, rational, and mindful of your choice of words [Do not attack and remember that you're their child and in no position to demand things]) you've have to "grin and bear it" as best you can until you leave the house.

 

From the way you describe your situation, I have the feeling there's more going on than you may realize or want to admit which is having a large hand in the way your mother snaps at you. Hopefully you can sit down with your parents and have a quiet, rational discussion.

[doniker]

Originally posted by mintjulep

All I can tell you is that it gets better as they get older.

 

 

 

Oh yea? I am a married man age 40. My wife is also 40 and we have a daughter age 7. My wife also has a son age 22 that has always lived with us.

 

Her son pays no rent, does no chores and treats our house like a hotel. He works full time and blows all his money on having fun.

My wife lets him get away with this lifestyle and encourages him to continue; it's as if she doesn't want him to grow up and be on his own.

 

I am always the bad guy when I complain, my wife and her son are best buddies and I am the ass*hole of the house.

 

I don't even feel comfortable in my own home.

[A thought]

Hello Advice Girl,

 

I am also the oldest in my family. Although, I was never the scapegoat my Mother often expected me to be more responsible than my younger siblings. As I got older I realized that even though she did expect more from me, she also applied the more responsibility/more privileges rule. So, I think my Mother was very just in her treatment of me. That said, it might not seem that it will help, but bear with me for a moment. I am not sure of your exact relationship with your Mom, maybe you are close but right now you feel disconnected...or frustrated, these are just some suggestions to help you connect with her and let her know you still love her. If not, maybe it will help you build some type of bond with her.

 

Have you ever asked your Mom to just sit down with you and share a cold soda/pop, cup of tea/coffee or something else that you both enjoy? Just so you can talk about your day, ask her what she did? How she's feeling? If she'd like for you to help with the dishes after dinner, even just putting them in the dishwasher is often a huge help. Often Mother's feel under appreciated and over worked because they are putting so much time and energy into making sure everyone elses needs are met. (not always the case, but it may be true in your situation?)

 

Find a way to get to know your Mom and the things that she likes, ask if you can go grocery shopping with her and help her pick out the things on the shopping list. If she works full time ask her if there is a weekend where you can go out, just the two of you for some mother-daughter time. Don't use this time to hassle her about how you want this, or she never listens to you! Just spend time communicating with your Mom about what's going on in your life and what is going on in hers.

 

Start volunteering to do little jobs that you are comfortable with OR if you have chores, like all of us did in my home, then do them without complaining about how no one else EVER has to do their chores but you do. I'm not saying let your siblings run all over you, but if you start demonstrating to your Mom that you can accept the responsibilties she has already given you, she might also begin to recognize that you do really love her and are old enough to not be hassled about not helping out so much in other areas. You might also be given a little more freedom-- never a bad thing.

 

After you have had a chance to demonstrate that you are really the well-behaved, responsible young woman you appear to be then approach your Mother with a request. For instance, after a few weeks say you know Mom, I have been a little frustrated lately because I feel like every time something goes wrong I get blamed. I know that you love me and want me to grow up to be a wonderful woman but I just feel that every time I turn around I'm in trouble again for what my siblings do. Is there a way we can work this out so that I only get in trouble for the things I am doing that you find inappropriate.

 

This advice is hard work to put into practice, it's taken me years to realize that sometimes all my Mom needed was my encouragement and support. And I often argued and harrassed her about stupid little things-- I was definitely NOT an angel. As I look back, and I have been out of my home for about 4-5 years now, I realize how much my Mother sacrificed to make sure everyone else was happy and healthy. I can really appreciate all that she has given to me.

 

Anyway, this is not the easiest road but it is the one that offers the most rewards! It's possible that your Mom is just extremely stressed with trying to be a good parent to you and your brother while also loving her children that she has from a newer marriage. It could be that she feels every time she turns around someone is arguing with someone else and she never gets a break.

 

Hopefully this helps you as you attempt to demonstrate your independence and responsibility, while forging a lasting relationship with an important woman in your life by seeing things from her side.

 

On a side note, my Mom and I still get together every month or so to catch up with each other. It's truly helped us make it through some tough times and horrendous arguments, especially during high school.

 

~Best wishes to you!

[mintjulep]

Oh yea?

Yes.

 

Advicegirl, by the "they" in All I can tell you is that it gets better as they get older, I meant your siblings, not your parents, lol. Sometimes your parents get worse as they get older! It's hard for them to change because they aren't "growing up" anymore, and unless they're willing to change, they probably won't perceptibly change. Your siblings are more likely to because change usually comes with the whole growing up scenario.

 

Sorry to hear your story, doniker, but I think what I said usually holds true for sibling relationships when they're ages are so different. I will add a correction, though: both siblings have to have matured emotionally, mentally, etc. before this change of heart can happen. It doesn't sound like there's really bad blood between you and your sibling and step siblings, right advicegirl? If there is, I'm sorry . But if it's just like, "God, they're pains in my ass." Then I'm sorry to say that if they're that much younger than you, they still have several "pain in your ass" years to come. Some people never grow up, as proven by doniker's wife's adult son. I don't know about the relationship between step siblings living in the same household, since I've never had any, or known any, but even my cousins (a cousin my age blamed his brother for the parent's divorce and they hated each other for years while growing up) eventually got along as they became adults.

 

Plus, advicegirl's relationship with her parents doesn't sound like something terribly uncommon, either - especially from what I've seen from my cousin's homelife (all of my aunts and uncles are now divorced. It was like a disease that spread), and even my own. It's very typical for the eldest child to shoulder blame for everything that goes on in a household - especially one with more than two children. You really can't change your parents unless you sit down with them and have a mature conversation, like tphillip said - something a lot of parents aren't willing to admit their children can do at sixteen. By the way, doniker, I looked for it, but couldn't find it. What was your advice for advice girl?

[mintjulep]

Originally posted by A thought

Have you ever asked your Mom to just sit down with you and share a cold soda/pop, cup of tea/coffee or something else that you both enjoy? Just so you can talk about your day, ask her what she did? How she's feeling? If she'd like for you to help with the dishes after dinner, even just putting them in the dishwasher is often a huge help. Often Mother's feel under appreciated and over worked because they are putting so much time and energy into making sure everyone else's needs are met. (not always the case, but it may be true in your situation?)

This could be compounded by the fact that she's raising her own children and someone else's, and possibly trying to make it one big happy family. That's a lot of pressure for a Mom! I never thought of it that way - good point.

Don't use this time to hassle her about how you want this, or she never listens to you! Just spend time communicating with your Mom about what's going on in your life and what is going on in hers.

Also a good point - you catch more flies with honey, eh?

This advice is hard work to put into practice, it's taken me years to realize that sometimes all my Mom needed was my encouragement and support. And I often argued and harassed her about stupid little things-- I was definitely NOT an angel. As I look back, and I have been out of my home for about 4-5 years now, I realize how much my Mother sacrificed to make sure everyone else was happy and healthy. I can really appreciate all that she has given to me.

I couldn't have said it better - in fact, that's exactly how I feel now. I kind of look back and think my mother and I had a great relationship, but in truth, we were at each other's throats constantly. Now that I've been gone for a while, we're great friends - unfortunately not always the ending that occurs, but we were lucky, I guess.

~Best wishes to you!

Yes, I think you just got some fantastic advice. I hope we were all helpful, but i'm pretty sure I know that A thought was

[sad-stepmom]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this with your family. I have a little different viewpoint for you as I am the step-mom. I completley understand what is going on. I cant say how it must feel, but my step kids do the same that your step-siblings are doing. I do not know how if makes my own kids feel, they mostly blow it off and try to ignore it. I try to stop it when I see it happening (the tattling, lying, trying to get others in trouble, fake crying for attention) What usually happens in our house is their father (my husband) gives into them and it only escalates things. He feels bad for them. I cant stand that, because it isnt fair to the rest of us to have to put up with their manipulation. I have always taught my own kids to be kind and thoughtful to others but it has gotten to the point where I have to tell my own kids not to put up with any crap and when the steps bother them, stand up for yourself. When they started doing that, the steps acted like we were from another planet! They could not believe we would actually have the nerve to treat them they way they were treating us!! I sat them down and asked them if they liked being talked down to, tattled on and etc...they said "no" and have now realized that if you treat someone badly, it will not be tollerated and you will get the same attitude in return. They seem to have stopped the behavior a little bit, but nothing will ever be perfect. I had step siblings as a child and got along with them great. I thought when it happened to me, it would be the same way. I was not that lucky. Just realize you are the bigger person and should you ever be so brave as to take on step-kids, you will know how to do it better than your family.

[lost_in_chgo]

As far as false blame for things you didn't do, do you have a video camera?? Set it up and tape yourself. When one of the false incidents occurs and you get blamed, play the tape back. A clear example will go a long way toward establishing you credibility. Your parents probably don't know who to believe. But to be honest, this would probably be happening without the stepkids.

 

The adults need to read this book:

"You're a stepparent...Now What?" Joseph Cerquone ISBN 0-88282-129-6 $12.95

 

It's very good at defining expectations and methods of dealing with issues with kids. Everything won't be perfect, and kids will be kids. But the book should help. The best way to approach things might be to try an honest approach with your mother and say that you are really unhappy about things and that you think reading the book with your parents might help. They will probably be shocked, but happy to be involved in doing this with you. It will also let the 3 of you bond a little bit by working as a team.

 

As far as helping out, you should. It's good for you and will show your mother that you are responsible. That alone will improve your relationship and your situation and the way that she deals with you.