PUflight Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 Ok here's the deal, my girl and I have been together for a year and three months minus a two month breakup. I am madly in love with her, and she says she's madly in love with me. She says that she wants to marry me. I do everything for her, I take her to class, I'm always here to listen to her, I make her food when she's hungry, wait on her hand and foot, do romantic things for her out of the blue, basically treat her like a princess. But she hardly does anything like this for me, she claims to not have any money, but yet she can buy herself clothes, tanning packages, etc. While I'm always footing the bill for dates, dinners, and little things she needs. And then there's also an issue of time, She's in a sorority, which eats up a ton of her time, between meetings, and the frat parties that they go to. I feel the sorority takes priority over me. Then she can go out without limits, but yet I have limits put on me, like I can't go to certain bars or can't get drunk, but yet she can go wherever she wants to or do whatever she wants to. I just don't think this whole situation is fair. If I try and confront her about it, she gets all upset (BTW one of my confrontations caused us to break up in the first place). I'm curious as to what other people feel about this, am I in a bad relationship or is this thing typical in a relationship. I know I'm supposed to be "provider" and some of my friends are involved in similar relationships. Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
RobertoPNW Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 You, my friend, are a doormat for her. Stand up and be the Alpha-Male! Link to post Share on other sites
advicegirl Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 Wow, you are very nice to her. Maybe she is shy or sometimes girls get carried away on shopping and thats where they want there money to go. Did you evr try talking to her about it? I think you should, she should understand because she does seem like she likes you. Maybe she justs has a harder time showing it. See usually in realationships guys get the girls stuff, but you guys have been going out for a while so yes you would think she would treat you the same and buy you things. Eventually she will. It might just take her a while. I hope I helped you. advicegirl Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 I think there are some grey areas in dating. Some men like women whose look is very high maintenance -- hair highlighted/dyed, manicures, body tanned & toned. Nice outfits, etc. Those things are expensive. Some men don't care about such things -- or claim they don't. If it's really true that you don't care about them, it seems unreasonable to ask you to factor those in when you consider how much you spend on her, and vice-versa. But you need to be honest with yourself: you are attracted to your girlfriend. Are these things -- probably things you've never really given much thought to before -- part of the reason you're attracted to her? Do you find women who don't put much effort into their appearance to be attractive? Something to think about anyway. I'm not someone who spends a lot of money on things like that, never have been. I'm baffled by the women who do -- to me they look very artificial and I wonder if men find them attractive. But obviously some do, or these women wouldn't go to such lengths. So you ought to figure out where you are on that matter: do you like how high-maintenance women look? If so, it seems to me that you need to consider how expensive it is to maintain that. If you're not, why are you with someone who goes to such lengths? As for the restrictions she places on you: hello? How old are you? Obviously you're in college ... do you want a girlfriend bossing you around as if she were your mother? I can see a girlfriend being uncomfortable with her boyfriend frequenting strip clubs, but regular bars? And how hypocritical when she feels that no restrictions should be placed on her. Frankly it sounds like you need to get yourself a new girlfriend. At least get rid of this one. What is your relationship based upon? Obviously not trust: she doesn't trust you out of her sight. Obviously not respect: she puts her sorority activities before spending time with you, and has no problem bossing you around as if you were her kid brother. I know some people don't like to be without a boyfriend/girlfriend, so they tolerate a lot of crap just to stay in a relationship. But how much are you willing to put up with? Surely being alone would be preferable to being used for dinner out and ignored otherwise. If you break up with her now, you'll be able to avoid all the awful Valentine's obligations that most couples seem to think are required. Think of the savings! You could go out to one of the bars that are currently off-limits to you and have a great time with the money you save by not buying her V-Day gifts and dinner. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 As long as you keep kissing her ass she will let you. If you feel taken advantage of then stop letting it happen. In love....your just a kid. I thought I was in love when I was 18 and wasted 4 years of my youth sitting home and worshipping a girl who ended up dumping me for someone else. Live it up while your young, don't be a sap like me!! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 I'm curious as to what other people feel about this, am I in a bad relationship or is this thing typical in a relationship. Sounds pretty bad to me. You wait on her like a servant, which is NOT the same as caring for her like a lover should, and she does NOT reciprocate. And then she wants to put a leash on you. I was waiting to hear that she spanks you with a rolled-up newspaper! I know I'm supposed to be "provider"... Huhhh???? Who told you that? That applies when you're married, ONLY. It definitely does NOT apply to a live-in girlfriend. You should both be financially self-sufficient. If I try and confront her about it, she gets all upset (BTW one of my confrontations caused us to break up in the first place). Yeah, because if you try to change this sweet one-sided deal she's got, it IS upsetting. Means she may need to start paying her own bills, doing her own cooking, etc. ...some of my friends are involved in similar relationships... Other confused, low self-esteem guys who think they need to buy themselves a girlfriend. You know, if you make it clear you'll only settle for a relationship that is a two-way street and feels fair to both of you, she'll leave. And you'll be without a girlfriend for a while. That will give you time to set your sights a lot higher and find a girl who loves you for YOU...not just for the services and benefits you provide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PUflight Posted January 16, 2004 Author Share Posted January 16, 2004 Thanks for the help everyone that's pretty much how I feel about everything, I get to spend a two hour car ride with her tomorrow so I plan on bringing this up. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 Originally posted by PUflight Thanks for the help everyone that's pretty much how I feel about everything, I get to spend a two hour car ride with her tomorrow so I plan on bringing this up. Thanks! I hope you're driving. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 >>>I do everything for her, I take her to class, I'm always here to listen to her, I make her food when she's hungry, wait on her hand and foot, do romantic things for her out of the blue, basically treat her like a princess.<<< Stop treating her like a princess. I don't mean switching to the opposite extreme, but I mean you should begin to treat her like the human that she is - nothing more, nothing less. She's on par with you, and that's where she has to be if you two are to work out with each other. >>>But she hardly does anything like this for me, she claims to not have any money, but yet she can buy herself clothes, tanning packages, etc. While I'm always footing the bill for dates, dinners, and little things she needs. And then there's also an issue of time, She's in a sorority, which eats up a ton of her time, between meetings, and the frat parties that they go to. I feel the sorority takes priority over me. <<< Well by now I think you already know what the problem is. You have to stop kissing her ass so much. The real question is: now that you're here, how do you get out of this gracefully? Just tell her. Just point out the same disparities to her as you've done to us. Leave no stone unturned. But be prepared: she likes being the queen bee, and I'm sure she also digs the fact that she has a drone to help her with honey. You've got to be prepared to stand your ground, and that means looking at yourself in the mirror. There's the possibility that she may not react well to your revolt, and if she doesn't, you've got to be prepared to give her her walking papers. Link to post Share on other sites
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