being emotionally manipulated

[minnieminor]

have been married for 17 years and after years of indecision finally decided early this year that I don't want to be married to him any longer. After several "chats" with husband, he says he doesn't want a divorce. Therefore end of all divorce discussions. He seriously think he can change his disrespectful attitude to me and the kids overnight! He works away 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off and I now dread when he comes home. I guess I left the divorce conversation with him too late as essentially I've made my decision and have no interest in continuing our relationship as husband and wife. We have 3 kids under 8 and the last week that he was home he was a nice guy (somewhat similar to the guy I married!). He refuses to listen to me regarding divorce and simply says he'll try harder. I have been asking/telling him to be nice to us for at least 3 years so I doubt he will change overnight (or in the two weeks till he's home again). Admittedly I have not pushed any further on the divorce talk as he then chucks a tantrum and/or starts crying about his family being broken up. NOW I feel guilty as I an no longer one person, I am me plus three little kids. A divorced friend is also pushing me to stay married as "he is SO in love with me" - he acts nice when she's around. I hate to consider what my financial situation will be like once I do manage to split but hate that I have this conflict of feeling selfish in wanting a divorce. I also figure that I'll have to move out of the house for the two weeks he's home as he won't move out.

 

ANY advice will be welcomed! I hate feeling confused just when I thought I had it all sorted.

[You Go Girl]

With 3 young children, especially, but even without them, you have to earn you way.

Earn your way to a better marriage--you have to try that first.

Then, if that fails, and only then, have you earned your way out.

You earned your way in remember...

 

Marriage counseling first.

It's not that people here don't understand or appreciate the hell you've gone through, it's that there are people here who are beaten physically, married to drug addicts, alcoholics, and cheaters.

A grumpy disrespectful manipulative husband is no laughing matter--but it's fixable possibly!

You said last weekend was the guy you married again--so he's trying.

There are people here who spouses won't try, refuse to change, are arrogantly dismissive of their spouse's concerns.

 

I vote for trying first.

Since he never heard the divorce talk before, and now he's wanting to try to change to save the marriage, isn't that trying?

The grass isn't greener....

[Gunny376]

Australian men tend to take their women/wives for granted. They even tend use and abuse them. That's because there's a dispassionately ratio of men to women in Austria.

 

That's because of the natural ratio of male to female births, compounded by all of the wars that Austria has been involved in. Thus I believe the ratio of women to men is something akin to 10 to 1 or more?

 

That without saying? Men worldwide are like Pillsbury Doughboys? You've got to kneed them, roll them, and fold them? You've got to teach them how to be the "right" man for you? You've got to get rid of all the crap their mothers and sisters taught them?

 

In short? You've got to tell them and teach them how to be the right man for you, how to love you, touch you, hold you, make love to you.

 

You've got so much invested in the one you've got, and it sounds as though he's eager to learn? Why start over?

[onedayatatyme]

I agree with YGG. If this is the first he's heard of your thoughts on divorce, it does not sound like he's being intentionally manipulative. He's in denial and he's panicking. He's not thinking rationally. He IS thinking very hard about how to save his family and keep it intact. Just because that isn't what you want, doesn't mean he's manipulating you. He's dealing with the situation in a predicatble manner.

[nobmagnet]

OP,

 

I really would go down the councelling route. If it works then you have the man you married back if it doesnt well at least you can say you tried your best.

 

May I ask what tipped you over the edge? Have you got somebody else in your life? Sometimes on here it is an affaire emotionally that tipps people into the position you find yourself in.

 

You owe it to your children to try every avenue open to you to make it work.

 

nobby xx

[SoleMate]

Gunny - the OP is in AustrALia, not Austria.

 

CIA says that for every 100 females age 15-64 in Austria, there are 101 males ages 15-64: http://www.indexmundi.com/austria/sex_ratio.html

 

In Australia, there are 103 males: http://www.indexmundi.com/australia/sex_ratio.html

 

So in fact, women are the minority in both countries, in this age group.

 

Back to OP - please try Marriage Builders. People can change, IFF they really want to. Also see Dr. Willard harley and His Needs, Her Needs. It is harder to stay in love if you're separated half the time.